When he's open to "being normal/being in the marriage", I'm not really sure how to proceed. He seems sincere, but still won't talk about the affair (because it's been 'on my terms'). Should I talk about how it hurts, how there are triggers... or still STFU. I guess I don't know when it should be discussed. UGH.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
When he's open to "being normal/being in the marriage", I'm not really sure how to proceed. He seems sincere, but still won't talk about the affair (because it's been 'on my terms'). Should I talk about how it hurts, how there are triggers... or still STFU. I guess I don't know when it should be discussed. UGH.
OW withdrawal/depression is a natural occurrence.
Listen to him and wait for this part to subside. Validate his feelings and keep your boundaries in place.
He's always had depression to some degree. Last night he opened up and I did the validate & empathize thing - it was mostly about ministry related issues. He threw a zinger in - that he didn't have any support systems (i.e. me OR the OW) and so the depression is still sabotaging his efforts. I didn't respond other that to place my hand on his. He didn't recoil at least. Later, he "made a move" to initiate ML... here's the hard part. I didn't really respond. So he got up (as he does when he's frustrated) to go drink all night in the other room. Before he left I couldn't help it - I said "I have all these words, images and knowledge that get in the way. And I am hurting" He said after a long pause, "Get in the way of what?" So I said, "of us. of healing"
Then after another pause, he walked away to fix his drink.
After a bit, I walked in and said, "What did I say mean to you?" He responded, "That there are things which you want or need to talk about but can't". I said, no, we NEED to talk about them. I don't want to be negative or angry but I hurt. You need to know that I am hurting." and then I walked away.
I'm sure that was all wrong...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
"What did I say mean to you?" He responded, "That there are things which you want or need to talk about but can't". I said, no, we NEED to talk about them. I don't want to be negative or angry but I hurt.
You need to know that I am hurting." and then I walked away.
I think he may know that you are hurting.
SO is he.
His hurt is overwhelming and past the point that he can help to FIX YOU. YOU have to FIX you, not with his help but on your own.
There is nothing he can say or do that is going to FIX YOU. And I would not trust anything he says anyways.
So what can you do to start healing? What is that going to look like? Why do you need him to FIX yourself?
He never acknowledges in any way that he's hurt me. Yet he wants to pick up where we left off, sort of, and get nothing but good feelings from me. Which I totally understand and I'd like to get back to that too but like I said, all that other hurtful stuff is in the way. I've been working on fixing *me*... it's the US that needs both of us to get fixed. If that makes sense. I know he's hurting too - I've acknowledged & validated on those points w/him. ... sometimes he seems to be coming out of all that... the fog lifts a little. It's so fragile at this stage - I'm still not sure about some of this stuff. We just want to get out of it, you know?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Or am I missing something? He was at least friendly on the phone a moment ago. In being "PMA" and empathizing and all that positive stuff... do you say no to ML? Still feel confused on some stuff.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Wow. I am unsure how to say this without it coming across as unkind. Please know that is not my intention...
You want something that your H either can't or is unwilling to give you right now.
Repentance. It isnt going to happen at this stage.
It also seems that the both of you would rather hold onto your laurels at any cost instead of finding a way to compromise.
You would rather be "right" than be happily married.
Look, repetance is not going to change the images in your mind. Or the hurt that you feel.
Forgivness, whether he has repented or not, will. It will allow you to heal yourself. And it can allow you to remove the frustration and anger you have regarding the situation. If you continue to wait for him to repent before you forgive, you are holding onto negative emotions that will block any chance you have at fixing the relationship properly, and the feelings will fester within you like an infection, making you more angry, more distant, and eventually possibly physically ill.
I would really like you to understand that the healing and the changes are a necessary part of all of this. You didnt get here overnight and it wont get better overnight because you simply will it to. It is babysteps and those steps need to begin with you since you are the one who is here, not you H And not the two of you together.
I would say that your first step is to decide if you can forgive him because its the right and best thing for YOU. If you are willinv to try, then start figuring out how. If you arent, all i can say is good luck.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I've tried to make it clear that I'm willing/ready to forgive if he is interested in it. Seems like that has to happen.
I've long since given up trying to be convince him of anything, so I'm not sure if I'm sending any messages of wanting to win/be right. But who knows how clear that is at this point. I'm already at the "acceptance" stage, etc.
Repentance tells me that I matter - that it is over & there is hope that it will not happen again/any more. I do try to maintain PMA and let go of the anger, etc. So what am I missing? What would the right thing to do now?
And I'm still confused about the ML question....
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
