Has anyone gone through a separation or divorce after both husband and wife have experienced extreme trauma?
We lost a son (accidental death) three years ago. Three weeks later, we got hit with a natural disaster. My wife and I’s relationship deteriorated after that, and I’ll take much of the blame. Among many things, I never really forgave her for what I felt were personal attacks after our son died.
My wife handed me divorce papers three weeks ago (no discussion of divorce before that, although we were in counseling). Three hours later, she had left for her family’s house four hours away, after spending only 15 minutes with our kids (ages 19 and 20, one about to enter college, and the other transferring to a local college after flunking out of another). She told them that she would never come back to our area, but they could visit her at her family’s house, where she plans to live permanently. She also told my youngest that she wouldn’t be accompanying her when she started college.
This departure is uncharacteristic of my wife, for whom her kids were her life.
I have PTSD and I’m sure my wife and kids do, too, especially my youngest child, who witnessed the accident. They were very upset when my wife left, and really could use their mother’s support right now, even though they are theoretically adults.
I decided that I couldn’t be what I’ve been in the past any more, especially what I became after our daughter died – an automaton, impatient, relentlessly driven to fix everything (that’s called hypervigilance, typical of PTSD). So I’m taking new steps to manage this with a new therapist, including starting a new type of treatment (EMDR) aimed at trauma victims which I recently learned about.
I hope that none of you have experienced the loss of a child. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand what it is like. I’d known people who had experienced it in the past, but didn’t understand how devastating it really is until I went through it myself. Out-of-body experience is how one close friend who went through it described it.
My wife has told me not to call her, and I haven’t. She hasn’t called here at all since she left (one child has called her, while the other, unfortunately, refuses to, despite my urgings that he do so). Right now, I’m waiting it out, working on getting better, on managing my life and increased workload (my wife worked for me part-time, in my home-based business), and helping my son as he starts at a new college (he has a learning disability).
And, of course, I’m lost and confused, among many other emotions.
Just curious to learn if anyone else has gone through something like this.
I just filled out all of the divorce paperwork sent by my wife's lawyer,and have scanned close to 1000 pages of financial records, as requested (and we only have a net worth of $300K - our assets are IRA's and some home equity).
My wife is behaving oddly. She hasn't even been in touch with my son, who lives with me and commutes to college, since she left 3 months ago. I asked how he was doing through this, and he says OK, but also says he's mad at her about this lack of contact (he won't call her). He's also mad because she's contacted our daughter (away at her freshman year at college) only once since she got there. My daughter did make contact with my wife after a few days, at my urging.
I'm actually up and down about whether I would want to get back together with her, should she change her mind, which I think is unlikely, anyway. I wouldn't close the door, however, but at the same time, I have to look out for myself as the lawyers go to work. Has anyone been through the negotiation stage without getting both sides angry? My wife told me when she left that she didn't want to have contact with me, and that all questions should be directed to her lawyer, so I don't know whether to expect high conflict or not. It sounds like the recipe to end any possibility of reconciliation (even if I'm wishy washy about that).
Have any of you experienced a mother having no contact with her kids after filing for divorce?
My daughter pressed my son to call his mother, and he finally did last week. He hadn't had any contact with his mother since she left four months before. My son was getting depressed, and he was pretty angry. This call did lift his spirits, but he is still hurting from this, obviously.
My daughter also spoke to her mother on that call, for the first time since early September. She was also angry that her mother hadn't spoken to her brother.
My wife has yet to initiate a call to one of her kids since she left.
Sorry folks, but I wouldn't take my runaway wife back. She's been gone a year, and is sitting on her butt, not working, living with her mother, brother and sister 4 hours away (none of them work, either, although her mother is 83 and retired, and has earned time off).
My kids have seen their mother twice for a few days each (she won't visit). They will see her one more time for a weekend before college starts again. My son has been commuting to college and living with me. A year ago, my daughter left for her first year in college two weeks after her mother ran away, and six weeks after she broke down and told the two of us that she was feeling guilty that she hadn't been with her teenage brother when he died, because then she could have prevented it (she couldn't have, but that's how the mind works).
This year, I discussed potential treatment options with my son's exasperated therapist, who said, "His mother left 6 weeks ago, and hasn't even called?"
I've dealt with four car accidents (two on the same day), a 75 mph speeding ticket on a 50 mph winding road, trying to determine if my son has a drinking problem (turns out he doesn't, but I had to monitor him closely to determine that), my daughter being transported to the hospital for alcoholic poisoning, which I had to follow up with three calls to the Dean and a rush visit to the college to ensure she was OK, because it turned out that was her third alcohol-related offense (I determined she was adjusting OK, and not drinking any more than anyone else at her school, one of the nation's elite schools). The day after she was in the hospital, I received a threat from my wife's lawyer that they would go to court if we didn't have an acceptable offer in hand in two days (I was too busy, and my lawyer shut them down, telling them it would be six months before a trial could be scheduled). In addition, my son, who has a learning disability and memory problems, was just deregistered from all his classes for not getting some forms in on time, and I had to fix that last week, along with getting my daughter set up with a specialist for some minor surgery before school starts.
My wife ordered me to have no contact with her outside of her lawyer, and is disconnected from our kids, so she is unaware of these problems. I can't involve her - she's too disconnected. Besides, she would be apoplectic if she learned about any drinking, because she is so opposed to it. My son felt that he turned on him and blamed drinking for him flunking out of his previous college (which was true, but I didn't tell him she told me that). He really flunked out because he has a learning disability and he was in a hard program at a hard college (he now has a B+ average in a different program at a local college.
Although I can take credit for many of the things that went wrong in our marriage, even if my wife would come back, why would I take back someone who:
- Exploded at me constantly for every detail as I went through the agony of running our son's funeral. She even blew up at me when I asked her mother if she had had a good night's sleep.
- Refused to help with flood repairs.
- Never said anything kind about my relationship with our deceased son, and spent three years telling me that he was my least favorite child while digging hard to come up with examples to prove her point, such as a time (once) when I didn't say hello to him.
- Handed me the divorce filing with no prior discussion, spent 15 minutes telling our kids she was leaving for good, and driving away three hours later.
- Pretty much cut off our kids, both of whom have experienced multiple trauma.
- Kept insisting that our son was murdered, even though there wasn't even the slightest indication of any foul play after a thorough police and fire department investigation and the medical examiner's inquest.
***
You know, the workload is a lot, especially since I've been doing my wife's job, too (she worked for me half-time), and I'm doing all of the parenting.
I'm losing half of my money, and may even have to pay her alimony (probably not, but its a possibility).
I get rid of her negativity. And there is no one to punish me for the death of one of my kids, when I was 80 miles away when it happened and was in no way responsible for the accident.
Parenting alone is tough, but it would probably be worse with her here.
***
Yes, this is hard on the kids. But if she was here, my son told me that she would have blamed him for the car accidents, and assumed he was drinking (I got to the scene each time, and he wasn't), gotten angry at our daughter for her drinking, and that she and I would be fighting over these problems (he told me that he feels that his mother thinks he is an incompetent person, unfortunately).
Divorce stinks, but I think in this case, marriage is worse.
On the plus side, this summer, I've squeezed a little time in with my daughter, who is learning an extreme sport that my son and I are involved in (and she is nimble, and will pass us both within a year). I'm getting my first vacation in five years in two days, and we're going into the wilderness with our club to participate in this extreme sport.
In case you're wondering why I've had no vacation, here's the scorecard:
Summer, 2011 child dies, followed a month later by a flood. 2012: Heavy workload, plus flood repairs. Summer, 2013: Took daughter to 20 schools (perhaps this was kind of a vacation). Summer, 2014: Wife ran away from home with no warning.
I still have to figure out how to manage the workload, but I figure that I have to get a vacation, especially a cheap one like this. I'll figure out how to manage the workload eventually.
***
In case you're wondering, I talked to my lawyer today, which always gets me mad. The family court system is terrible and unfair, and may make it difficult for my kids to finish college, even with the incredible financial aid that my daughter's wealthy school provides (my son's costs make up for it).
I spent a year helping my daughter choose a list of schools that provided exceptional financial aid and developed a plan to get into one of them. My wife refused to help, and kept telling me that the way colleges select students is wrong and unfair (I din't create the system, but that didn't stop her from complaining to me about it).
I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time. I think you were correct when you wrote that only those that have lost a child can understand the pain. I can't imagine the loss you have to deal with.
I hope that you can find peace. I'd suggest that part of that peace might be to let go any anger you have toward W in how she is handling this loss and not keep a scorecard. You are doing an amazing job of being there for you children and moving forward. Let the anger go.
I'm praying for you.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
