You're not hurting her by being this way, she is just temperature checking to see if she still has you on a leash, and placating you so you won't look out for your own interests (and the kids'). She knows that she has gone way out of line and overstepped her authority by taking the kids, and she knows you could go get them whenever you want to.
If you respond to any pleasant behavior like an eager puppy, she'll pull away again. She thinks she knows exactly who you are, what your limitations are, what you are able to and what you can't do, and how she can play you. Prove her wrong, it's the only way you have a chance to get her to reconsider anything. Right now, she does not care about your feelings, only about her own.
You are not supposed to detach from the kids. Call them as often as as much as you like. They should be with you at least 50% of the time, she's the one who left. She does not get to dictate your interaction with the kids.
"Questions:
1. Immediately stop all contacting throughout the day.- Do I not call to say good night to kids every night?"
Call them as much as you like, preferably get them home.
"2. Immediately withdraw his physical presence from her as much as possible.- My youngest Son is turning 2. I will need to have a small party or take them out to dinner or something. How to handle this?"
No need to include your WAW in this, I wouldn't. Get the kids and have a celebration with your friends and family.
"3. Do not recognize her birthday, Valentines, anniversary, mother's day, or any other holiday by giving her gifts.- What If she wasn’t cheating? Just ignore the day and don’t say a word period? No Card or acknowledgment? Nada?"
I wouldn't. Maybe a happy birthday - text.
"4. What if the mother is helping her financially to keep them at her house. MIL is like that. It's like nothings changed for wife except she is with Mom enabling her to eat cake. How do I approach this and breakdown walls by detaching/180/etc?"
You can't control this, but you need to discuss your own financial matters with an attorney.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am feeling a bit better, but still miss the hell out of her and my boys, especially being a family. I will be seeing my boys this weekend.
I hate this and it just plain stinks. I gave my life and all I do and I saw a thread by Amy C. and that is what hits home minus the affair. It follows:
AMYC:
The biggest turnaround for me came in the middle of my bedroom floor one night after I came out of MLC. Every night for two weeks I was there. Crying and praying. Sometimes just laying there devastated. I began to see things, our life, through my husbands eyes. I saw how I had contributed to the failure of our marriage, OUR financial problems, our eventual drifting apart. I came to realize I'd never really been a good wife. I'd taken care of the kids and the house but not him. Not him very well at all. I'd never been a real partner. I hadn't worked and therefore the entire financial burden had fallen on him. We had bought a little house on an acre of land that he push mowed for 3 years straight and I never so much as took him a glass of ice water. We were together but the division that existed had become clear to me. I had developed a sick false sense of entitlement, too. So even before MLC, I was far from a good wife. When the MLC hit, I was atrocious. I was adulterous, self-righteous, blamed my husband's drinking for every single thing...It took me having to go through quite a hellish journey before I realized the level of stress my husband had been under for years. He gave me everything as best he could and I spit in his face for the most part. After the MLC and in the growth period since, I have changed, grown up, owned up. In the midst of it all my heart found it's way back to my husband, who at one point I would cringe at thought of touching.
Frank:
Now I hope and pray my wife has a change of hurt and actions, but only God knows.
"Have the two of you had some type of contact every day? If so, this needs to stop. Don't use the kids as an excuse for contacting every day. People can work around it. Has she even had time to miss you? My guess is "no".
I wish my kids Good Night practically every night I can. Is this ok? I don't speak to my wife or if I do for a few seconds not even more than 2 minutes and it's only about the kids and my plans to see them.
What is this work around you speak of? Because I don't think it's bad to wish my kids good night, but maybe my wife hearing my voice isn't helping (my kids put me on speaker with the cell phone. My boys are 9,6,2.
Thanks You and any input and suggestion is appreciated.
There's nothing wrong with speaking to your kids. That's great.
What you want to avoid is using kid topics to initiate needless conversation with your wife. "Did D behave for you today?" "Did you all have a good day?" "What did S eat tonight?" Etc.
Mahhhty...my wife said she left b/c I don't respect her, we were late on the house payments and inconsistent money flow (business is bad)But I got a Job. Drinking but I stopped. I was mean when we argued. Now it could be anything I say.
Hello fdu! One thing you need to understand is that right now your W is DONE. You should be all means seek to change yourself, to right all of the wrongs from the marriage. But you have to do so with NO EXPECTATIONS. Everything you do your wife will view as "too little too late" and she will see it as your attempt to manipulate her back into the M. In other words, right now you can do nothing right. She has convinced herself you are the enemy. You've got to fix yourself for yourself, not for her. You've got to stick to your changes LONG TERM. Change for a month and revert back and she'll think "yup, same old H." But change for months and months and eventually she will start thinking "wow, he really has changed" and she -might- be interested in a relationship with -that- you.
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Since they have left I have been trying to tell my 9 year Son Daddy's fixing things in which my wife said she needed.
Do NOT talk to the kids about your sitch!!! The ONLY thing you should tell your kids is that you and their mom BOTH love them very much and that regardless of what happens, you will both ALWAYS be there for them. I think if you're honest with yourself, the reason you said that to your S is you hope he will talk to your W about it and try to tell her you're changing. DO NOT DO THAT. Do you read Sandi's rules every day? "Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse." Your W will see it as manipulation, she sees you trying to "rally the troops" behind you and against her.
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I have done the first 2 and working on showing the respect, but she seems like she is bitter and angry causing issue to fight. She says she loves me but it hurts to be with me and it's over.
Like I said, change for you, not for her. Because -right now- she is done and it makes no difference. You're in a marathon, not a sprint!
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We will be going to counseling that I have to schedule.
Now isn't the time for counseling. Counseling is just pressure, and pressure is the last thing she wants right now. Invest in a DB counselor for yourself instead.
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She says it's over and that she doesn't want to try no matter what.
Listen to her. Empathize with her. This is her reality right now and it will be for many months and maybe even years.
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It hurts so much to hear her tell me it's over and there is no chance at all of us being together.
Many marriages here have been saved, and believe me, EVERY LBS has heard their WAS say this. Remember Sandi's rules. "Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared."
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I don't understand how she can be so cold and not feel their pain.
She is "acting as if". Keep reading DB, read it over and over again. Your W is very scared right now, inside she's in great turmoil. You won't see it on the outside because she's wearing a mask. She knows she's hurting the kids and it's tearing her up. But she thinks it's the right thing to do. You've got to give her time to see and accept the new you. LOTS of time.
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I really wish my wife was missing me and having second thoughts as I am thinking that she is over me and doesn't care.
She IS missing you and she IS having second thoughts. But she will never verbalize that to you.
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In the beginning of the breakup I would tell her your giving up on us and the family
Don't say things like that! You're making it all HER fault, but in her eyes it's all YOUR fault. You need to see things from her point of view. Fix your problems and leave her to fix hers.
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She needs to breathe and it hurts to much to love me. Personally I wouldn't throw away my family without trying together as a family.
She feels like she tried and tried and tried and you did nothing. So now she's done and it's too late. Again, you have to try and understand what SHE is going through and what SHE is thinking. Because right now you are only concerned about you, and guess what, she sees that as the same selfish attitude that landed you in this breakup. Much of DB'ing is about understanding the psychology of the WAS and countering their thinking through actions on your part. You've got to quit thinking you are the victim and she's the bad guy. This is the person that loved you and raised kids with you, there are reasons she left and you've got to address those. You've got to feel empathy for her, not anger.
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To me it sounds like she's being guided by her mom or individual therapist.
As long as you keep saying things like this you will never start making the changes you need to make. You think your W can't think for herself? That she is being manipulated into this? That is a very disrespectful attitude. Quitting drinking, that's easy. Changing the way you think and your attitude towards her? That is very hard, but THAT is what will get her attention.
Thank You AnotherStander. I'm grateful for you taking the time to respond and guide me into the right directions not to mention educate me. I will work hard at doing what I need to do.
Today my wife asked me what my plans are with the boys. I told her that I wanted to take them to the All Star tournament we go to as Father and Sons annually. It started last weekend and ends this weekend. She said no staying over. She doesn't trust me because I was late on the house payments and the power was shut off while I was out of for Business training. She was to be home, but choose to stay at her mothers house. She could've paid it but didn't realize to pay it...my fault now that it was shut off. She said I lost them and that I have to earn them back and she wants proof that I'm on track. She wants pay stubs and proof that I am doing what I am suppose to. She said I have to pay her mom back for buying the boys shoes because one of them their shoe broke while they where on vacation. Well I haven't been around my boys and I didn't know my sons shoe broke. It's as though she wants to pile drive me into the ground for not providing. I told her that I have and will always provide for my boys. She again said I lost them and I have to earn that back. I told her there is no us (maybe I was wrong?)I tried to get off the phone but she was blabbing away,so I let her talk and i said I had to go cause I don't want to argue and never want to argue with her anymore it's not worth it.
I am so exhausted and just want to smile again and be happy.
"Have the two of you had some type of contact every day? If so, this needs to stop. Don't use the kids as an excuse for contacting every day. People can work around it. Has she even had time to miss you? My guess is "no".
I wish my kids Good Night practically every night I can. Is this ok? I don't speak to my wife or if I do for a few seconds not even more than 2 minutes and it's only about the kids and my plans to see them.
What is this work around you speak of? Because I don't think it's bad to wish my kids good night, but maybe my wife hearing my voice isn't helping (my kids put me on speaker with the cell phone. My boys are 9,6,2.
Thanks You and any input and suggestion is appreciated.
Hold up, look again at what I told him. Did I say it was a bad thing to speak to the kids? I gave him specific advice based on his stitch and the problems I was seeing there. I was telling him to stop contacting her every day, and don't use his kids as an excuse to contact her. He has not detached and if he can't get through one day without talking to her, he may never detach. It doesn't mean it goes for every single person on the board. Whenever you are reading another member's thread, bear in mind that you may not be facing exactly the same struggles as they have.
"People can work around it". I meant that whenever people truly want to bypass each other, they can have a schedule for the kids, without all the "excuses" to contact each other every day to see what's on the agenda. I realize that is what a lot of the technology aged patents do it throughout the day, but most is out of habit or poor planning/organization. I'm saying in some cases it would not be absolutely necessary, but some LBS's will find anything for an excuse to stay emotionally attached, even their kids. Again, that would be for each individual to figure out of himself.
I may sound like the bad guy telling folks not to use their kids as an excuse to contact their S. People may feel defensive about it, but they shouldn't......if they see what I am really saying. I have seen people on here do it time after time, and later some H's would admit they were doing it. At the time, they were so attached and disparate, they would use the slightest child related excuse to call the W. Thing is, she sees right through it.
Does that clarify things better?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I do understand better. Thanks for clarifying. I am not calling to speak to wife, but sincerely my boys. Maybe there is a hint of connection after thinking about it but not intentional. I can see a big clearer that I am doing things for myself and my boys, but there is also to show my wife I am changing which goes against me doing things for myself and my boys. I am forging forward as best I can for a better me regardless, yet it is happening at a pace of 70/30 and the 70 is for me and the boys. It's a gradual progress that I have to mentally embrace. I just love her and its [censored] its like this but I know I will endure whatever comes my way.
I don't know what the future holds and not knowing whether I will be with the mother of my children is a remainder that I have failed somewhere at being the better me or good enough to love or be with. That is just a lousy feeling. I know that I am not a bad man or person nor will I sit here and sulk in my misery because there have been and are many woman that want to be with me that have told me and are telling me, but it's not right when it's not right. I am also not saying my wife is wrong in what she experienced as it was her own experience. I am sorry for my failures and I know I will do better and I do know that I will rise like the Phoenix and be the new FDU 2.0 for myself and my three boys!
This is what my wife sent me after she had asked to send what my plans are with the boys for the Little League All Star Tournament near us. She know that it's an annual thing I do with my boys.
*** First of all, you need request permission to take the boys for the day - not the weekend. Second, you must "ensure" that you can demonstrate Respect for me. Third, you need to "ensure" me that you are sober and capable of taking all 3 boys. These mood swings of yours are not earning you any points. I do not trust you to conduct yourself in a manor that demonstrates respect for me or anyone else. You need to think about how your selfish words and actions are negatively impacting the kids and stop immediately. Any time you spend with the kids must be EARNED by you. YOU are not calling the shots here. ***
I am so pissed off! CRAZY thing is: 1. She has always know and acknowledged that I am taking the boys to the tournament. 2.How can I demonstrate respect for her when she isn't around and I have conducted myself proper and gentleman like. I am the one having to dislodge from her tirades on the phone. 3. How can ensure that I am sober? I am sober and have been for (35) days. I think she doesn't believe me when I told her a while back I will stop and I have. Almost like she wants me to have failed to prove her reasoning to leave. I told her like in day 2 on my stopping drinking that I can get a home tester. She refused that I do that and said it wasn't necessary. 4. Mood Swings? I honestly am lost with this cause I rarely speak to her. I can show trust if she can't see me or I'm not around her. Someone please tell me how to do this? Thank You. 5. Again, I don't know what she is talking about b/c I am speaking with my kids and telling them I love them, miss them and they will be ok and good night. Seriously this is what I am saying. 6. Time spent with the kids must be earned? 7. She is acting tough by her saying she is calling the shots? Gosh I just want to say something but it's unbecoming.
Is ok if I ask her what the hell she is talking about and to explain? I want to know so I can understand and also work at it? Not for her but my kids. At this point, she is looking like she is nuts to me making things up and trying to be hard and strong.
Please help and advice b/c I just want to fire back. I don't know whys she is acting this way!
