When is kindness enough?

[Ripe]

And then I started feeling something was not right.

My W would not call, write an email or send an SMS. All the contacts we had I initiated them.

July 26th I phoned her.

She told me she felt she had made a mistake by deciding to stay one more year abroad.

That the Psychiatrist told her she could drop the medication if she were in a stable environment and working, but being abroad was stressful and so she should not.

That she felt like going to her boss and ask him to reconsider the leave he had granted her until August 2016.

That she had decided during a moment of vulnerability to stay abroad with me for one more year .

That she needs to be selfish and thing about her needs.

That she needs a time for herself, to look to her inner self, to be free in her choice.

That she feels exhausted as this suffering has been ongoing for too many years.

That she thinks her feelings will not change and she needs a new cycle.

That she will stay for now in seclusion and that she will announce me her decision when we meet face to face in August.

To her sister she said, two days ago, that she needs to live.

And that’s it.

Since then we haven’t had a single contact as per her request.

[Ripe]

The end of my marriage is coming.
I have never felt so sad in my life.
Not even when in June 2014 my W announced her intention of divorcing me.
When I started DB’ing I had something to cling to.
I was working on me, improving myself with an aim in mind: to get my marriage back.
A different and improved marriage, but still my marriage.

In June we started reconciling.
I had done it. A second chance was being given to me. My efforts had paid off.
I knew this was only the start, a new beginning, that things would not be easy, but my W and I were doing a conscious effort and started reconnecting.
My W even decided to stay abroad with me one more year.

But know it is obvious I failed.
And I don’t know what to do from here.

[Ripe]

All right. I need to take a step back.
One deep breath. And another.
10 days have passed since the last time I spoke to or emailed my W.
We haven’t since said a word to each other according to her wishes.
Not even in the darkest moments after the bomb was dropped we were so absent from each other.
What happened in June, our temporary reconnection, should not have happened.
Now I can see clearly it was a mistake: my W was not ready or committed.
The only way out for me, the only way to get my sanity back is to do what I did between January and June: to try and detach.
To take advantage of this opportunity and time she has given me.
And now that I think for a second about it, I have to admit I don’t like this person she has become. She is not the person I married and she not at all attractive.
Maybe when the decides what she wants to do with her life, maybe when she starts enjoying life and the daily gifts we are given, when she gets out of her fog.
I cannot do anything for her right now.
I worked on me and she noticed, she reacted to the changes.
It was not enough because her desperation, her disillusionment are too big.
I will now keep working on me, but for my own sake.
I have however to admire her decision to come back in September so that our kids won’t be too far away from their daddy. I respect her for that. If I would be in her shoes most probably I would not come back.

[Zephyr]

Ripe,

Yes Yes Yes take a step back. and a deep breath and another.

How have you failed? are you still trying to be the best man you can be...How is that part coming? are you focusing any energy on yourself or was it all on you-wife relationship.

This is not an easy journey for sure. This is not a simple task, to look at yourself and decide that there are things that you are not happy with. You can always find things to work on to make yourself a more complete person, one that likes what he sees in the mirror every morning. if you can not do that EVERY DAY than you know what needs to be done.

Start over with your lists, determine what you can change, what are your desires, what can you do today/tomorrow/forever that you want to do with your life. This can be things you've never done before...or others you've forgotten you loved to do and just didn't.

You have time now that you didn't think you did before, call it a new lease. First things first is learning that you are worth loving with all of your heart. that is going to be the first step in really detaching yourself from this situation. How can you get there...will you try...that is what you need to focus on RIGHT NOW.

I am really sorry that this turned so fast, it is a reminder to ALL OF US that detachment is absolutely the key to moving forward. We will be here...rooting for you!

[Ripe]

In another thread I saw mentioned this TED talk “Rethinking infidelity” by Esther Perel.
I have just watched it and am about to cry.
Her final words are memorable:
"Today in the west most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages and some of us are going to do it with the same person.
Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?"
My W and I, back in June, would talk endlessly about this. One thing we knew for sure: we hated our old marriage and would never go back to it ever again. We had our eyes wide open and knew exactly what we didn't want. And we decided we wanted a second one.
My W now started replaying the same cassette (boy, I am old)
during our last conversation ten days ago: "I am exhausted, to many years of suffering have elapsed. I don't think what I feel for your will ever come back. I want a new cycle to begin."
Too bad my wife allowed her fog to redefine our marriage in a negative way, that the legacy of our marital crisis will not be the reconstruction of a stronger and more solid one but the destruction of a family.
I will now move on.
And I can say, Zephyr, that I have made the biggest change in me that I could do: I started expressing and sharing my feelings.

[kyrie]

Dear Ripe,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I also have to thank you - it helps so much to see what you've done, reflect on your steps and learn from it. It helps you and it helps us. What happened to you in June helps give me perspective on where I am now...
It's so hard to know when to open up and let those good feelings happen. I wish it were clearer! But your experience and sharing it here helps others. Thank you.

[Ripe]

I need to learn from my mistakes.
As soon as my W and I started getting closer I got my hopes up real quick and real high. I was in wonderland. As a matter of fact, this was what I had worked for, right?
And so, I missed the signs, clear signs that my W was not deeply committed.
First sign: fifteen days after we had initiated our long talks about our marriage and sleeping holding each other, my W asked me how would the financial outcome be for her if we divorced. I got mad and asked her: “You are really committed to our reconciliation, aren’t you?” In turn, she got angry at me. I later realized she had never asked me such a question before. This was the first time.
Second sign: Five days later she smoked in front of me. Since before we started dating she had never done so. About one year ago she told her friend it was one of the most import vows she had made to me.
There won’t be a next time, but in my next life I will ask how devoted to reconciliation the person is before handing over my heart in a plate.
*
I have one question: can we say we are really detaching if we understand we have to let go but still hate what that other person is doing to our family? And feel like we will never be able to forgive her?

[Ripe]

But I have to say that there were positive signs also. Maybe these did not allow me to see the warning signs.
Although chronologically not the first one, it was the strongest: the sex. My wife knew what it meant to me, knew it was my love language. The fact that we ML several times (but I cannot forget her reaction after the first time) convinced me we were on a good track.
There were also the talks. I think I never spoke so much in my life. I calculate that in one week we talked for more than ten hours only about our marriage. At some point she told me: "I did more therapy talking with you these days than in six months with my therapist". Other time she said: "My therapist will be so surprised with our reconciliation when I tell him."

So, when we separated at the airport I could never imagine this was the last time I would be saying good bye to my family still intact.

[Ripe]

The walls of divorce are getting closer and closer.
My marriage does not have much time before being inexorably crushed between them.
My family flew home back in July.
My two kids and STBXW are spending their holidays at my mother’s house.
One of my kid’s birthday is on the 24th August and mine is on the 31st.
On the 22 August I am flying home to enjoy my vacations, until 5 September.
On 5 September my family flies back for another year abroad.
To return was the plan when they flew home in July. At that time we were peacing.
As I have mentioned before, my STBXW stopped contacting me as soon as she landed.
July 26 she told me our June reconciliation had happened during a moment of vulnerability. She thinks she has suffered for too long and is seriously considering divorce.
We haven’t spoken or written ever since, which for me is a clear indication she is really going for divorce.
Nevertheless, she has, quite surprisingly, decided to stay abroad for another year. She has told her sister this time she will ask me to leave our home and live elsewhere.
Because of this, for the last week I have been thinking how we would interact between my arrival on the 22 August and the return on the 5 September.
My mother’s house has no spare rooms, so we would need to sleep on the same bed. Would we be conducting ourselves in a normal way, as if nothing serious would be happening soon? Would we be doing a normal “family life”, pretending?
From moment to moment I would feel differently.
I would tell myself “yes, do it for the sake of the kids” and ten seconds later “no, I cannot stand being in the presence of this woman who is about to destroy my family, I cannot share the same space with her”.
Well, my wife has written me last night and made it all clear.
She asked me to cancel her ticket for the 5th September and to book another, only for her, on the 25th August. Yeah, that’s right, one day after my kid’s birthday.
So, now there can be no doubts about her intentions.
She is only staying at my mother’s until we throw the birthday party and only for our son’s sake.
Obviously she does not want to be together one second longer than necessary.
I knew this was coming, but it hurts so much to see it in black and white!!
*
I still have one problem: how to live under the same roof with this woman on the 21, 22, 23 and 24 August?
Any thoughts?

[Fogg]

I have one question: can we say we are really detaching if we understand we have to let go but still hate what that other person is doing to our family? And feel like we will never be able to forgive her?

Detaching/forgiving doesn't mean you don't care about the person or agree with what they are doing. It doesn't mean their actions don't hurt us or we don't have anger over it. Detaching is stopping those feelings from consuming our lives and stopping us from living. Theres a detachment thread that's useful to read(in the welcome post homework), but GAL is the key to detaching. You cant remove or force away your feelings, but you can control how long you dwell on them. GAL lets you get out and live, which can fills your mind with happy feelings, that can replace the dwelling of the negative ones.

Forgiving doesn't mean you agree with their actions or support them. It doesn't even mean they will fix what what they have done, which is why I think we say we cant forgive someone. To forgive simply means giving up your right to punish someone for their actions. It can still hurt us, its just controlling what we do as a result of what they do.

Keep posting Ripe, people will see your thread and offer advice. We all sometimes have too much to handle in our own sitch's so looking at others is a challenge.

I would also suggest reading others threads. You can find a similar situation and use the advice given to them to help. I've found much of my own help that way. It also gives people an incentive to look at your thread and post when you comment on theirs.