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lonelee #2593983 08/03/15 06:33 PM
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Vanilla and others.. you asked about bd1 2008 I guess we didnt really tackle all the issues that were present back then.
As he says things got better for a long time and then old habits started sneaking back in. Again the communication piece was a big one.
We have been doing a much better job expressing things without being mean or hurtful but from a place of caring understanding and listening.
I use my feelings more when I express things now and give examples of what I want or like and ive noticed some changes coming from him in regards to those.

I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken.
Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.
We dont hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things arent completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better.
We both have said we dont want the same relationship we had. Again I have hope.
That is why this is so difficult.
I am not miserable (anylonger) I am coping really well and adjusting.
I have my bad days of course.

I am learning so much here but question my everymove.
I know im not playing completely by the book.
I do want things to change and be better.
I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.
I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together.
I am having a difficult time working aroubd the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him.
Not that I didnt want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.

Before coming here I made a valliant effort to rekindle and accept advances and made plenty of my own.
At that time I figured before we seperated I wanted to make lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything.
He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we prob wouldnt need to be S.
Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.
This is where one of my 180's comes into play.
I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now.
Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me.
Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough... and NO I dont want to share him and NO I dont want deseases.. and YES ive recently been to my Drs..

Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.

Last edited by Cadet; 08/04/15 12:20 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2594050 08/03/15 09:24 PM
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Thanks for stopping by my post.

I was wondering about your 180, if you were to "shut off" what you just done, wouldn't it send the message that it was a temporary change?

Rouky #2594088 08/04/15 12:25 AM
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Well thats where im confused as well.. plus hes not the only one getting anything out of it... I enjoy it , im not sad mad or depressed after.

Its comforting knowing hes still attracted and interested.. we typically share alot of conversation and fun during the time spent together.. believe me if it felt wrong I wouldnt be a willing participant.

It may not always feel right going forward but then I would stop and know that I needed to change/stop for me and my reasons.

It's not like he's making me do anything im not willing to do.
Im really confused about it..

Last edited by Cadet; 08/04/15 12:22 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2594105 08/04/15 01:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Lon,

I am going to ask a favour of you please for an eyesight challenged lass. I would be grateful for some return paragrahs in your posts. Some space between.

To make it easier on my old eyes

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/15 01:35 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2594108 08/04/15 01:42 AM
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So sorry I type just how I would speak . Return paragraphs? Not sure I understand V. ?


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2594140 08/04/15 02:44 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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You are voicing just fine, and what you say is very insightful. I love reading your words

I just need some paragraphs, as the text is very compact if it's all in one block. My eyes strobe if there are too many lines of text close together. You young folk with your great eyesight can read it.

I will take a little of your post, if I may to illustrate.

Originally Posted By: lonelee
Vanilla and others.. you asked about bd1 2008 I guess we didnt really tackle all the issues that were present back then.

As he says things got better for a long time and then old habits started sneaking back in. Again the communication piece was a big one. We have been doing a much better job expressing things without being mean or hurtful but from a place of caring understanding and listening.

I use my feelings more when I express things now and give examples of what I want or like and ive noticed some changes coming from him in regards to those.
I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken. Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.

We dont hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things arent completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we dont want the same relationship we had.

Again I have hope.

That is why this is so difficult. I am not miserable (anylonger) I am coping really well and adjusting. I have my bad days of course.

I am learning so much here but question my everymove. I know im not playing completely by the book. I do want things to change and be better. I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.

I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together. I am having a difficult time working aroubd the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him. Not that I didnt want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.

Before coming here I made a valliant effort to rekindle and accept advances and made plenty of my own. At that time I figured before we seperated I wanted to make lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything. He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we prob wouldnt need to be S. Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.

This is where one of my 180's comes into play. I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now.

Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me. Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough... and NO I dont want to share him and NO I dont want diseases.. and YES ive recently been to my Drs..

Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.


They are wonderful expressions of you. Thank you for being so honest.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/15 02:49 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2594188 08/04/15 11:31 AM
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Ok thank you I can do that.. sorry .. its like one big run on sentance..:)


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Vanilla #2594202 08/04/15 12:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Lon,

I am going to ask a favour of you please for an eyesight challenged lass. I would be grateful for some return paragrahs in your posts. Some space between.

To make it easier on my old eyes

V

Mine too!

You get more responses if someone can read it.

Us OLD posters tend to skip over BIG BLOCKS of type.


I edited a few above although my editing is not as good as Vanilla's.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2594653 08/05/15 04:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 125
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lonelee Offline OP
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I am reposting this section as i would like some insight. where i feel it is one of my 180's that i had started before my spouse had moved out. before i even knew it was a 180 or what DB was all about.


I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken.
Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.

We don't hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things aren't completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we don't want the same relationship we had. Again I have hope.

That is why this is so difficult.
I am not miserable (any longer) I am coping really well and adjusting.
I have my bad days of course.

I am learning so much here but question my every move.
I know i'm not playing completely by the book.
I do want things to change and be better.

I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.

I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together.
I am having a difficult time working around the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him.

Not that I didn't want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.

Before coming here I made a valiant effort to rekindle, accept advances and made plenty of my own.

At that time I figured before we separated I wanted to make a lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything i can.

He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we probably wouldn't need to be S.

Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.

This is where one of my 180's comes into play.
I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now?

Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me.

Also as ROUKY asked I too wondered about this

I was wondering about your 180, if you were to "shut off" what you just done, wouldn't it send the message that it was a temporary change?


Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough

NO I don't want to share him
NO I don't want diseases
YES iv'e recently been to my Drs..

Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2594697 08/05/15 06:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Lonelee

Dark is a long term consistent thing, you can not be dark one day and then not another day.

Dark is dark, it is for a long period with no contact or involvement. I have been dark with my WH since 2 May. I cut off all texts, emails and calls. Everything for the last 3 months. I do not deal, his numbers are blocked, his emails are blocked, completely dead ends. That is dark.

WH sent me an email yesterday ordering me to pay a bill of his. Response my me was never.

Now I will D or annul my M. Totally dark. That is the reality and authentic to me.

I want WH as WH gone and since there is no way WH will change. Forever gone.

That is not your sitch, you want to repair your R with your WH and to DB to grow into a W only a fool would leave.

Also my dear one, get tested for STDs they can do much damage to your body, particular to your nervous system. If you read my thread you will know that I did this recently. It is important to look after your health.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 08/05/15 06:03 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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