Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Hah! I was able to quote you as Yoda. laugh


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Nice. Quotes are always fun.

Quote:
Always good to get to those core things that one must work on... regardless of your sitch, these are healthy to rid yourself of right ... for YOU ... do not worry about the effects they have on W, while what she has done may have put this all into motion...changing for her is not the way to go about this.
I think that's a great list and I highly encourage you to check on it regularly. But I cannot stress enough how important it is that those changes are for YOU, as Cali mentions.

I can tell you the other side of it. I cared very deeply about my family. I cared very deeply about my ex. But looking back I can honestly say that with ex, I was never controlling nor jealous. With the kids? I was a parent and at times a little harsher than I liked. I cared too much at times to the point of being...selfish. I didn't always have the mindset of letting them grow through things, but rather tried too much to protect and lead. Not always, but at times.

At bd, ex accused me of being too harsh with the kids. Mind you, that was after all the other accusations faded. During that time, she did accept her actions...for a while. Then suddenly, she was painting herself as the victim. I recall she went through "personalities" trying to find one that fit and along with that, she tried many accusations. When one didn't fit, she "erased" that and tried another one until she left. Then the anger returned, except through her husband (OM) and her. Interesting to say the least.

What I'm getting at is this. During this process I had to challenge everything about me. Everything that wasn't what I wanted, dropped to the ground. I became much calmer without ex around. I became less controlling of the kids and more supportive. I wasn't bad prior, but there was plenty of room for improvement from my view. In the end, I made changes for ME. Not for anyone else. At first they were about ex. But that didn't last long. I quickly realized that wasn't the path I wanted to be on and come hell or high water, I wasn't about to let her take my identity beyond that of wusband.

Shift the focus from "I do this because of her" to "I make these changes for ME" sooner than later. You are right that she is going to do what she is going to do regardless or you actions. It's not like fishing or building a house.

The only thing you really need to do where it concerns W is to try and leave the door open for her should she decide to return. And try to encourage the relationship between her and the kids as best you can. And never, ever say a disparaging thing about their mother where the kids can hear it. They'll figure it out on their own (likely already have) and are responsible for their thoughts about it. And it's never encouraging to have somebody you trust talk bad about your moms. Most people would happily throat punch you if you talked about their moms like that. Treat your kids with the same respect smile

Other than that, you are free to focus on you and just you. Buckle up - it's quite a ride.


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Update:

W and I are talking less and less. I don't see her often, generally during the hostage exchange.

That Software Engineer door cracked open a little more for me this week. I had someone interested enough in my resume to schedule an interview with me. I nailed the interview. Answered all of the technical questions and tossed out a few bad jokes. laugh

The lady in charge asked me to send her some more of my work and told me I have a "Pretty good" chance of getting the job. Even if I don't end up getting the job, it was a great boost to the ego to catch some interest. At this point I feel like it is only a matter of time until I get a job in the field.

Wife was very upset I even got the interview. Cried to me that she has to go borrow someones internet in order to apply at McDonalds and that I am getting interviews in my dream job. Wasn't really sure what to say to this, told her it sucked she didn't have internet and that my excitement over the interview was for me, had nothing to do with her.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Nice job. Is that a career move or have you always been a software dev?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
It's quite a career move. I spent most of my life in pizza. I was a GM for 9 years. I decided that I wanted a more economy proof career and went back to school. I have been slowly working towards my BS in Computer Science and find myself with five classes remaining. Demand seems high enough that I am seeing the door to that career path opening more and more. I know far too many languages and I am not too far from a degree in mathematics as well.

The field is fairly lucrative and I enjoy the work. Getting a job in this field will be a huge step for me.

Stop me if you've heard this one ...

["hip"]. ["hip"]
hip, hip, array laugh

Last edited by late30s; 09/04/15 03:56 AM.

M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
I think that's awesome. And whatever you do, try to get the double major. Totally worth it as a foundation for the next step you may want to take later.

And yes, that's a very hot market. What may be more interesting for you later is your background as a GM and customer service - both skills most programmers sorely lack smile You'll be surprised at how quickly you'll need to make choices about what you like the most about your new job(s).

I say jobs in plural because don't be quick to move, but don't be afraid either. A job hopper is not a good thing in most cases, but getting the good jobs (not measured by pay necessarily) can take a little movement. Good jobs to me are the ones that line up with my personal passions and I've taken both pay cuts and significant raises over the years to pursue them. (I'm not a programmer, although I've played one on the internet. I work in that field though and once had a job teaching programming).

In your neck of the woods, it's a hot market for that skill set. And if you like that kind of work, so much the better!

Go get 'em.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Update:

W was with me all weekend. Went fairly well, I brought up R stuff a few times. I am so frustrated with myself for it. Why is it I can do almost everything else, but have such a hard time not talking about our R?! I brought this up to me therapist and he suggested it was because my needs aren't being met in the slightest and so when I suppress them, they eventually force their way out.

We talked about our past quite a bit this weekend. By and large I kept quiet about it, listened to what she had to say. Found a few pearls to stash away and I had a chance to make some progress on her issues with my A some 13 years ago. This has been an ongoing thing for her. I honestly believe that it was the biggest mistake I ever made. It caused nothing but pain for every person even remotely close to it. I want to move forward though, and I can certainly accept that we need to move beyond this at her pace, it just seems like over a decade is a bit long. For a long time I felt like we had moved forward but part of me feels like all the animosity has resurfaced in an attempt to justify her current A.

In speaking about my A, I told that I had in fact affaired down. That with the exception of a few months of intense fog on my part, she has always been my first choice for a life partner. This was the first time I felt like she had heard me when it came to that I hope that it sticks. She also told me that she affaired down. Which was surprising to me, anytime she mentions OM it is to try to tell me how great he is. I have done my best to nip the comparisons in the bud, but it was nice to hear.

Her puppy is staying with me for a little while. I believe this is in preparation of the coming eviction she is facing. She wants puppy to be acclimated to the other animals here so I can take him while she continues her journey.

The eviction will be served on Thursday. That will give it another thirty days or so till she is homeless. Currently they are both unemployed and I don't think they have any real job prospects. As the eviction looms closer, she seems to be pulling deeper into fantasy land. I was hoping some of you wonderful folks would be able to offer some advice as to how I proceed? How I interact with her?

My current game plan is to continue along my path, help puppy if he needs a place to go and to refuse her a place to stay until she can show me some proof that OM will not be an issue and that she is willing to entertain the idea of rebuilding our M. I find myself somewhat conflicted here though, I don't want to see her on the streets, but she may very well end up there. She has a brother and a sister in town. Brother is FURIOUS with her over what she has done. If he were to take her in, OM would not be welcome at all at his house. Sister isn't as furious but seems to share the same sentiments towards OM. I don't think her sister will have room regardless. All of her friends have turned their backs on her, I don't think she will get much help from them.

Any and all input is appreciated at this point.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Yeah, getting past an affair can really hurt or help a relationship. Hard to say which until after the race is run. You're not done running the race, so no way to tell how either of your actions will work out.

My suggestion for your W and the coming eviction? I suggest you not let her back nor try to help her. You can do both compassionately but firmly. I doubt seriously it is in either of you best interest to be together at the moment.

As much as you'd like the past to be reconciled, that's really what MLC is about isn't it? Reconciling one's past. If you can step past the idea of liking it to be over, what are some other steps you can take? One suggestion is to really be a better listener. You can see how hard it is, right? And as much as I imagine the affair hurt her, I doubt that's the whole story at this point as to what she needs to reconcile in her past.

Yesterday is yesterday, and what she does or doesn't do is up to her. You on the other hand need to focus on you and what you can do. This time apart might be a good thing for you smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
L
late30s Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
Originally Posted By: AJM
Yeah, getting past an affair can really hurt or help a relationship. Hard to say which until after the race is run. You're not done running the race, so no way to tell how either of your actions will work out.

My suggestion for your W and the coming eviction? I suggest you not let her back nor try to help her. You can do both compassionately but firmly. I doubt seriously it is in either of you best interest to be together at the moment.

I agree here, but I am worried. How do I approach it with the kids if she finds herself homeless? So far I have been their rock. I have been reliable for them. I don't know how to tell them that their mother isn't welcome back here -- even if she is homeless.

As much as you'd like the past to be reconciled, that's really what MLC is about isn't it? Reconciling one's past. If you can step past the idea of liking it to be over, what are some other steps you can take? One suggestion is to really be a better listener. You can see how hard it is, right? And as much as I imagine the affair hurt her, I doubt that's the whole story at this point as to what she needs to reconcile in her past.

I will take your suggestion to heart. Some others that come to mind coincide with the direction Late2.0 is headed. Less critical, firm control over my temper, healthy outlets for anger and jealousy. And above all, kindness.

Yesterday is yesterday, and what she does or doesn't do is up to her. You on the other hand need to focus on you and what you can do. This time apart might be a good thing for you smile

I can see the good in it too. The hardest part for me is the lack of progress. Forward or backwards. I like to be able to solve problems, get a game plan together and attack them. This stagnant, patient approach is grueling. There are days when it saps all of my endurance, all of my strength.

AJ

You are such a wise man, sir. Thank you for taking the time to pass your wisdom on to my situation.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 123
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 123
Originally Posted By: AJM
Quote:
I do NOT want her to return under these circumstances. I feel like I can survive one of these, I don't want to return to the status quo and wait for another bomb to drop. She needs to finish her journey.
Late, I read your posts. I get it. I've been there. I made the mistake of allowing/encouraging her to come back too soon. I hope you don't do same. It really is that painful for all concerned.

She should come back for the right reasons - i.e. she wants to be there, not because she is out of options. Otherwise, it's temporary until you both do the work. Seriously.

Looking at your posts, I think you know that. I think you also have a good head on your shoulders and realize that this is not a quick hit item and takes time. Lots of time.

I have no regrets, but if I had it to do over again, I would have picked the other road where she didn't come back so soon. She wasn't done. Still doesn't seem to be all these years later. Maybe she just doesn't have the tools, but that's how it seems.

Focus on yourself and the family. Evaluate her for her maturity and use of tools. Evaluate yourself as well. If she comes back too soon, it won't end well. And don't be fooled - they can be very persuasive. Very smile

Take your time and take the space to learn about you and make the tools you need to be better. It's hard when the momentum swings back and forth, but it's worth taking the time.

The spew is a good indicator of where she is currently. Blaming you for her actions is a good sign that you BOTH need to work on some things before she returns.

Have I said it enough times?? smile

Things don't have to end this way, but they do need to be repaired. By both of you and for the right reasons. The alternative is not pleasant...

AJ


I agree. I believe my husband started his MLC in 2012. he left me and I believe he came back home too early. Yet, here we are again and this time it is much worse.

Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard