My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

So upset with myself right now. Yesterday I dropped off D12. Wife has started a new job as a waitress, we met at her workplace. She was excited to see me. Asked me to come inside so she could buy me a beer. I accepted. She also bought dinner. It was nice, I appreciated the gesture. So in my all-knowing wisdom, I decided it would be a good time to talk about some R stuff afterwards.

By and large our R talks have been limited to how I have contributed to our current position, but in another stroke of genius, I decided to start discussing things I want to see from a future relationship. She was no where near ready to hear any of this. All I managed to do was to push her further away.

I'm furious with myself. I have been doing a good job of detaching and giving her space. I have seen steps in the right direction. So I take a few baby steps and decide it is a good time to LEAP ahead. At this point I am backing way off and cursing myself.

So frustrated with the backsliding. I have seen real progress in my relationship with her. So I mess things up.

Sorry -- journaling / venting.

Hope everyone is having a good week.

[CaliGuy]

I had a backslide last night too .... just own it, learn from it .. NO R TALKS.

Keep going.

[late30s]

Cali, thank you so much for the steady support. Between what you have shared of your sitch and the responses you've given me, you have been an absolute godsend.

[late30s]

Just saw this on another thread. (Can't recall which )

Writing a letter to W to get it out of my system:

Dear W,

When all of this first started, I told you I did not want to be "just friends". That hasn't changed. You have expressed interest in working on our marriage to some degree, but we continue to work on a marriage with three people in it. I understand that you have many things to work out and there are things that you feel you need to see from me in order to start working on our marriage. I remain sorry for my part in creating this mess.

That said, I can no longer tolerate being your second choice. It is too painful for me. I thank you for not taking me up on some of my insane offers when you first left. From here on out, I can't have you in my life so long as the OM is in your life. If you find yourself in a position where you truly want to work on things with me, I am open to discuss it. Thank for all the good years and I wish you luck on your journey.

Sincerely,
H

[CaliGuy]

Late

I have done just this ... wrote a letter to my W, its still in my drafts labeled "A letter to never send" It was cathartic at the time I wrote it ... and I took a look not long ago and tossed in some updates/edits in a different color just to show myself the progress.

I also have a reminder to write OM, never have done this as I think I just out grew that need, he was a POS who did not deserve the head space I gave him, sure as heck doesnt deserve any at the moment

Maybe do just that .. write a big one, with the intent she will never see/read it .. as you will never send it. Get it all out ..... it really was and is a healthy option. You do not have to post it here ... but if you feel the need to purge .. do it.

FWIW that letter, you are on the right track, firm in not being a cake provider, owning your own contributions to the M, understanding there can not be 3 people in a M.

Now just keep doing that mirror work, push through .. it gets better.

[late30s]

One thing that has really started to stick in my craw. W continues to insist this isn't an affair. Goes so far as to attempt to convince me of this fact and gets really angry that I don't agree with her. The part that I don't get is this;

It was an emotional affair at least eight months prior to her leaving. Possibly physical. It ramped up October of last year, when they started discussing moving in together. She left 02/19/2015 and moved in with him at the latest by 02/22/2015. 3 days to go from our marital bed to his. If it isn't an affair ... what is an affair?!

She did tell me a number of times before she left that she wanted a divorce. Many times I convinced her to give it some time, let me finish school. Things will improve. Each time she agreed. Now she tells me that my refusal to let her leave is why it isn't an affair. At no point did I force her to stay. Beg and plead, yes, but I didn't force her to stay.

[CaliGuy]

One thing that has really started to stick in my craw. W continues to insist this isn't an affair. Goes so far as to attempt to convince me of this fact and gets really angry that I don't agree with her. The part that I don't get is this;

It was an emotional affair at least eight months prior to her leaving. Possibly physical. It ramped up October of last year, when they started discussing moving in together. She left 02/19/2015 and moved in with him at the latest by 02/22/2015. 3 days to go from our marital bed to his. If it isn't an affair ... what is an affair?!

She did tell me a number of times before she left that she wanted a divorce. Many times I convinced her to give it some time, let me finish school. Things will improve. Each time she agreed. Now she tells me that my refusal to let her leave is why it isn't an affair. At no point did I force her to stay. Beg and plead, yes, but I didn't force her to stay.

Late

She insists its not an affair because she is trying to justify in her head that what she done was necessary .... heck even better than its YOUR fault.

I have told this story a few times, and it fits for your situation here. Next time she pulls that ... its truth dart time.

It was Oct14 Halloween, W and I agreed to take S trick-or-treating .... I had PMA going, lost weight, new clothes ... all that. Just learned OM was back in the 'on again' arena and was trying to just deal with it and enjoy S and the night as he was not going to be doing this stuff forever. In between houses as S was in line for candy W and I were going at it. That was when she informed me OM was not her "boyfriend" and I asked how I should refer to him, POS was out and not BF was too ... she then went on to say and for the record its not an A, we are seperated.
I got calm, stone cold calm ... and I siad, "Yes we are separated I will agree with you, we are separated because YOU chose to leave. YOUR AFFAIR is disrespectful to me, our M, S and our family" She then fired back with Spew "ITS NOT AN AFFAIR I LEFT YOU" So I again .. calm and smiled like I just had an epiphany "Oh ... so you mean to tell me that in my next M, when I go out with the fellas and decide to get housed, I can call my next W up, inform her its over and bed the hot little waitress that night and its all good ... thank you for sharing that loophole I had no idea of when it comes to marriage"

I walked up to S, told him goodnight and left.


This was the LAST time she ever tried to tell me it was not an A, later on she finally did admit it , admitted it was wrong.

Late, there are times you have to stand up to it, spew be damned ... do not allow her to rewrite history nor justify her actions ... do not judge nor cast stones out of hurt but simply set her straight on such things.

[late30s]

So one thing I have been giving some thought to recently. What do I *need* in a relationship? Going to list here:

*All of these go two ways IMO, meaning anything I ask for, I intend to give as well.*

Loyalty -- Not just fidelity. I expect my partner to take my side in anything. At least make that show in public. Discussing it with me in private and pointing out what a stubborn donkey I am is fine.

Honesty -- Be truthful with each other, even when it [censored]. I would rather hear the truth and start dealing with something bad now.

Respect -- Respect each other. Respect the relationship. Accept that each person is their own individual fully capable of making their own decisions. This may include giving space when it is needed. Discussing things you may not want to talk about or dropping things you want to talk about. If it is me and I don't want to talk about something, I think that it is fair to provide a time when we CAN talk about it. Be respectful in arguments.

I'll probably add to this list as time goes on, but these are the big non-negotiable ones for me.

[late30s]

Thanks, Cali. I like that bit and I will file it away for later use. I'm sure I'll need it.

And you're spot on, she often tries to paint it in such a way that I am responsible for it. I don't buy in to it, but she does try.

[late30s]

Took your advice and wrote a letter last night, Cali. It was helpful. Thanks for the advice. No plan to give it to her or to send it to her at this point. Just for me. I'm sure I will revisit often and make small corrections.