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Original thread (Because my lame jokes can't remain unread, you all have no idea what you're missing! :D) http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2593838&page=1

I think I belong in this section and the newcomers section scrolls too fast for my post to remain at the top for very long with the time frame I post.

Update:

She confessed that OM isn't making her happy like she thought "it" would. She finds herself more unhappy than when she left. She continues with she'll be returning soon. I'm left spinning. Calls and texts me fairly often now. I am unsure how to proceed. I feel like this is progress? We've been able to have conversations now without her turning into the screaming spew monster from Hades. Even manage to disagree in healthy ways.

This time last week I was feeling like I will give this a little while longer before adopting the last resort technique. I have seen improvement with what I am currently doing. Shutting up and listening, giving her space, and doing a lot of my own things. Honestly, our day to day interactions have improved greatly. I've been able to reflect on some of the things she said, I'm jealous, controlling, and critical. I can see why she has felt that way and I continue to work on those.

Unfortunately, due to financial issues, I have had to drop down to therapy once a month. Would love to have a chat with him, but I don't see him till next week. Wife is speaking of our future more and more. Remains living with OM, hence the spinning. She has told me that if I want to walk away from all of this, she won't blame me, that is probably going to be hard on me. (Because the previous five months has been a walk in the park? :p)

I'm open to any and all input.

Thanks for the support folks. smile

****Joke****

In my studies, I've covered a lot of math ... a LOT of math. As a result, I can do math at a molecular level. My cells multiply by dividing ...


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Cadet, you work so hard around here. Thank you.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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Late ....

Just caught up on your sitch a bit.

So is there anything that you know of that happened in your W's past (childhood) .... was there some issues there, I ask because if this is MLC your W will go through some tunnels. Looks like she is temp checking you currently to make sure you have not moved, to make sure her option #2 is still just where she left him. She will have to address these past issues before she will come out of it. Otherwise I worry you make it easy for her to return, with no boundaries, and she will rinse and repeat this mess as she still is doing her own thing ... just realizing that its not what she thought it would be.

I would be concerned she comes back to early and to easily before she actually does the work ... sounds like she went off the tracks, can you think back to when? Not that it matters, they all have different time lines but for me reading about the stages and realizing it all started about 2009 for me helped me track where she was some. Plus the fact prior to learning more about MLC I just assumed things went bad after my father died and I went through those emotions .... turned out this ramped up the temp for W as he was the first person she actually knew who passed ... a few months after that there were serious changes that I was blind to due to my own deep seeded grief.

Keep in mind the approach is the same, I do think here we are a bit more detached, a bit more patient ..well we are asked to be anyways .... yours truly was not very good at this part ...lol.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy


So is there anything that you know of that happened in your W's past (childhood) .... was there some issues there, I ask because if this is MLC your W will go through some tunnels. Looks like she is temp checking you currently to make sure you have not moved, to make sure her option #2 is still just where she left him. She will have to address these past issues before she will come out of it. Otherwise I worry you make it easy for her to return, with no boundaries, and she will rinse and repeat this mess as she still is doing her own thing ... just realizing that its not what she thought it would be.


There are some serious unresolved issues with her father. She confessed to me that she is still angry with now, as he battles cancer. She isn't sure if she will ever forgive him.

I have similar concerns with her returning. I don't want to go back to the old marriage at this point. I have given this a lot of thought just today, I think you're psychic. OM lost his job and she may find herself without a roof over her head. Months ago I would have been excited -- that she may be returning. Today I have felt a lot of dread. I do NOT want her to return under these circumstances. I feel like I can survive one of these, I don't want to return to the status quo and wait for another bomb to drop. She needs to finish her journey.


Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

I would be concerned she comes back to early and to easily before she actually does the work ... sounds like she went off the tracks, can you think back to when? Not that it matters, they all have different time lines but for me reading about the stages and realizing it all started about 2009 for me helped me track where she was some. Plus the fact prior to learning more about MLC I just assumed things went bad after my father died and I went through those emotions .... turned out this ramped up the temp for W as he was the first person she actually knew who passed ... a few months after that there were serious changes that I was blind to due to my own deep seeded grief.


I have also given this some thought. She and I both returned to school about the same time. She finished her associates shortly before I finished my own. Towards the end of it, she had to change majors because she was unable to complete the math requirement (woman is SMART, but she is very right-brained. Arts, not so much in math). She was really torn up about it. Then she finished her associates and stopped working on school. I think the combination of the two finally pushed her into her tunnel.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Keep in mind the approach is the same, I do think here we are a bit more detached, a bit more patient ..well we are asked to be anyways .... yours truly was not very good at this part ...lol.


I am SLOWLY getting better at this part, and "good" is one of the last words I would use to describe how I have been with it.

Cali, thanks a lot for taking the time to respond.


Edit -- The other color made my eyes hurt when I read it.

Last edited by late30s; 08/05/15 08:38 PM.

M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: late30s
Cadet, you work so hard around here. Thank you.

Thank you now you have lots of homework too!


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Thanks, Cadet!

I have been diligent in doing my homework. I started it long before I ever posted -- long before I ever registered. I did find some new things in the links that I missed before.

I am currently seeking advice on my "approach" as it were. Currently I remain kind with her, this is for me and it is also for her. Initially it was my kindness that made her notice me, convinced her to marry me. Even with OM, she says she is there because he is nice to her. I have recently read some links on this site that would say this is the wrong approach for me to have. When all of this exploded and I started evaluating myself, I came to the conclusion that I am a kind man -- I always have been and I refuse to let ANY circumstances turn that into cynicism. I want to keep that part of myself. Other parts are free to go ... jealousy, controlling behavior, being overly critical, and clingy.

So at the moment, the basic game plan is to remain kind, not initiate contact, give her space, not discuss the R, and to keep myself busy. Logically I can see the need to set boundaries, but I feel that now is not the time to do it. I feel like at this point in time, I need to let everything play out, A included and once we move on to a point where she is also interested in salvaging our relationship, make my boundaries clear then. I understand that point may never come, but at the moment I am able to wait it out.

Advice / comments / 2 x 4s are all welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read.

"There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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Originally Posted By: late30s


Logically I can see the need to set boundaries, but I feel that now is not the time to do it. I feel like at this point in time, I need to let everything play out, A included and once we move on to a point where she is also interested in salvaging our relationship, make my boundaries clear then. I understand that point may never come, but at the moment I am able to wait it out.

Advice / comments / 2 x 4s are all welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read.

"There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."


Late

Why do you not feel now is a good time for boundaries??? .... and before you answer I am guessing it will have something to do with your W's reactions. STOP!!!

Boundaries are for YOU ... if not now when? When the A is over and she starts coming back to you ... or when A is over and she moves on to OM2? Yes ... that A may play out, but if she does respect you , or learn to respect you I am not of the opinion a W will return.

Read up on Boundaries ... but do not be afraid to put them in place at any time during your sitch .. the sooner the better IMHO because she will test you on them.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 08/06/15 10:40 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thanks, Cali. I always appreciate your input. I have been mulling this over all night. A big part of my apprehension about the boundaries is I have always related those to some grandiose speech -- I feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries at this point, without a big speech. I worry, I have had a terrible habit of jumping from one extreme to the other, when the middle ground would most likely provide the best solution. Something clicked tonight. I will get by without her. That doesn't mean that I have given up, but it is the first time I have had this realization in earnest since BD.

Minor update / journal entry.

I was scheduled to work both jobs today. I got to my night job and it was slow, so I was put on call for the evening. Once I left the store, I reached out to some friends and went and played cards with them. Didn't text or call W at all today. Big step for me, in the past I would have reached out to her to try to get together. I work a lot and spend the rest of my free time with my kids and with my friends. I don't often have free time in the slightest at this point.

Seen W about ten hours in the last four weeks. I have decided that I will no longer change my plans in order to accommodate W. My kids respect me, my friends respect me. I don't want to cancel any plans I have made with them in order to spend time with someone who doesn't respect me.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 103
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Update:

This weekend was strange. I had reached a point where I wasn't contacting her at all (still there), but she reached out to me on Friday and asked if we could get together. Told her what my plans were for the weekend. She decided she was going to come over early Saturday and spend the day with me. I went and did my thing Friday night (I play a card game every Friday).

Saturday rolls around, at this point I have already decided that I would keep my schedule free for most of the day. Wife texts me at noon, says she wants to wait till about 3 and spend the night. Asks me if that is okay, I tell her sure. I picked her up and she proceeded to tell me that things are only getting worse for her. She may not be going back there at all. Tells me all about all the things she is going through. I enjoyed a STFU smoothie and listened. She seems to be heavy into depression and withdrawal at this point. At one point she asked me why I was interested in her. This is the only time I spoke up throughout the conversation. I asked her if she truly wanted me to answer the question or if she were simply wondering aloud. She told me she wanted an answer. I gave her this answer:

"I have seen the good and the bad parts of you, I have known you all my life and I feel like the complete package that you offer is good. In addition, I have had to ponder pursuing other relationships, think about other women and while they may certainly have something to offer, they are unable to give me a complete family. That is something I can only get with you."

I'm sure there are better ways I could have put that, but it is how I feel. Other women certainly have other things to offer, but she is a good catch in my opinion and has the added bonus of helping to restore my broken family.

We ended up talking for about two hours, most of which was her telling me about what was going on with her. After that we went to visit an old mutual friend. We were there for a while, came home, watched some netflix and went to sleep.

Sunday we watched more netflix, watched a movie, and just hung out most of the day. Toward the end of the day we talked a little but, thirty minutes or so. In reflection, I realized there was a part of our relationship I felt I had failed in. I had an A thirteen years ago. I never made it clear to her that she was my first choice. I felt like I should rectify that, with the worst case being, I am not haunted by it later in life.

I ended up taking her back to the apartment. She tells me she is seriously considering getting out of there and working on our marriage. I'm not sure how I feel about that. This is the first time she has really acted that way. She has told me this before but I felt like it was more of a keep him hooked kind of thing, it felt different this time.

Moving forward from here I intend to keep up with no contact initiated by me, listen to her when she wants to talk to me and see where things go. I will continue my GAL stuff because I have enjoyed hanging out with my kids and my buddies. I no longer invite her along, but I do mention what my plans for the day are if she asks about getting together. My plans don't change any longer.

I'm still reeling from this weekend. I had accepted that things were done between us and was starting to really distance myself from the situation. I think she is psychic and knew I felt that way, even though I never mentioned any of it to her.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Any and all advice or comments are welcomed. smile

Last edited by late30s; 08/10/15 01:33 AM.

M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
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