[BrightFuture]

Thanks LiveNow, dejavu, and Job. I did enjoy my vacation. Mostly. There were a couple of episodes when H came up in the conversation and then I had a heated argument with my mutual friend on the last day before they left. (We drove back together and they stayed at my house for two nights.)

The people we stayed with are our friends who also have the house at the vacation home place. Some of their friends came with them to their vacation home a few times, so I knew most of the people who came for dinners and BBQ. We also visited other couple who also have a house at the vacation home place.

I got a couple of guys hitting on me, LOL (one single and one separated.) The separated guy is the brother of my mutual friend. His wife left him a few years ago and he is still very much hurting and talking about her all the time. I had a very uncomfortable moment with him, but we got it resolved. I told him that I am not looking for a R or any flick, plus I would not be involved in a R with somebody who is a family member or a close friend of my friends. At least this is how I feel now. I met this guy before multiple times, with H and after the BD. I don’t know why all of a sudden he decided that he liked me so much. I kept hearing about how nice of a person I am, LOL.

It was very relaxing vacation for me, because I didn’t have to do much, I didn’t have to decide where we wanted to go and what to do. Everything was organized, or we just did what we felt like. I didn’t check my e-mails or FB until Sunday, when I got a text from my GF here. She was asking me for a favor saying that she sent me an e-mail. When I open my e-mails, I had one from H. Well, I didn’t expect any e-mails from H any time soon. He sent me the company file (I didn’t ask for that) and asked me about why the QB showed different amount on checking account compared to the bank statement. He also said “I got the mail, thank you.” (his mail I sent him before I went on vacation.) Wow, a nice guy again…

I didn’t reply to the e-mail thinking that I would do it when I get home. I was on vacation after all! The e-mail was actually sent two days after I started my vacation.

Then I received a text from him asking me to send the company payroll info to an auditor from the insurance company. He had to get a workman’s’ comp insurance in that other state where he normally works. The text was on the last day of my vacation. By then I and my friends were back at my house. I replied that I would do it on the next day. Next day I received another text from him asking me if I’ve done any changes in QB, and if I did to please send him the updated file back.

So, it was not quite “H-free” vacation. He managed to remind me about him. WTF! I’m absolutely sure that he knew about my vacation from my mutual friends. After all, they drove his car. This was another thing that made me a bit sad. I had to drive the car on the way back, because it was an agreement that I would drive part of the trip, so we could make it in one day. I was ok with that, even knowing that they might actually drive H’s car. Which they did. So, it was kind of strange to sit on the passenger side of the car, and then drive it. I have to admit that some strange thoughts crossed my mind. At some point I felt like these three years after DB were just a dream, and in reality H just has been working in another state, that’s all. I was sitting in his car like nothing happened. Isn’t it weird?

Anyway, back to H’s contacts during my vacation… Maybe it was coincidence (even though I didn’t ask and didn’t expect the file back from him), maybe he heard the rumors that I was going to be introduced to my other friend’s brother (who is single), or whatever else was on his mind…

This is getting too long. I will have to do another post about my conversation with mutual friends and some other stuff.

[BrightFuture]

So… The conversation, or I would say a heated argument with my male mutual friend on the last day of my vacation…

The conversation started with my mutual friend telling me about H’s is planning to go to the vacation home on the first week of September. This got me by surprise… I asked him if it means he will be there for the Labor Day weekend. Because I didn’t expect H to go to the vacation home until November or December. The guy has to work to make the living!

I was kind of upset about the news, because I already planned the trip to the vacation home with my other GF who is supposed to fly from another state. She was asking me about the dates and was ready to buy the tickets.

So, one word after another (mind you we had a few drinks by then), the conversation became very heated. This crazy woman at the vacation home was mentioned too. My male friend said that if I want to come over for the Labor Day weekend he will find a good rental place for me. I said that it is not what I want. In combination with that crazy woman getting in my face when I’m there, plus me not able to enjoy my place over there when I make plans (I don’t make plans in the winter BTW, when I know that H is there), I said this is not going to work for me anymore. My male friend told me that he had a conversation with H about the condo and the crazy woman trying to decorate it and do things for H in there. My male friend told H to stop that, because it will end in an ugly way. He said that H mentioned that maybe in this case he will need to file for D. So, why he hasn’t filed yet?

The subject of D was mentioned a few times and I was accused of trying to leave H with nothing. My male friend obviously trying to protect H. And it didn’t sit with me too well. I said things that I should not have said… Oh well… This is all going to be passed onto H… At the same time, my male friend kept telling me that what H did is not fare to me, that he hurt me big time and he (my male friend) understands what I’ve been going through, and he still doesn’t understand why H did what he did. Then he said that I’ve change so much in the last three years, for the better, and that H changed to… But my friend is not sure that it is an improvement for H, LOL.

I told him that at this point I don’t care if H is left with nothing (which could happen even without me doing anything, he just needs to file for D himself), I only want what I want. In this case, to use my vacation home, which is BTW is not H’s place, we still have a mortgage on both our names. H decided that he didn’t want the house, he wanted the vacation home. All this was H’s choice. I didn’t have any say in what he decided to do with his (and my) life. So, I don’t want to be responsible for the consequences of H’s choices.

I wish I would not get involved in that conversation at all. But… what is done, is done…

My male friend told me that he would call H and ask him about his exact plant for Labor Day weekend. He also said that he would try to find me a place to stay. Well, I decided that this doesn’t need to be done through the 3-rd party. So, when I e-mailed H the updated company file a couple of days ago, I told him about my plans and asked him to let me know if there would be any issue with us (me, my GF and my dog) staying in the condo. I’ve got dead silence from him…

Sorry for the ramble. I’m going to the vacation home next weekend with my sister and her kid. I guess I will find out more about H’s plans then.

[BrightFuture]

Still no word from H about the vacation home on Labor Day weekend. I told my GF to start looking for a plane ticket.

And just for another amusement… My first xh sent me an invite on LinkedIn

[vge1]

Hi BrightFuture.
What drama?!

I'll be praying for you. For wisdom in dealing with H and all your friends - especially your male friends.

Funny how the amusing idea of ex's come along when least expected.

I know everything will work out for you. You are so strong! I do admire how you can stand your ground even in the midst of all the craziness.

Vacation home or not...stay focused my friend. You need that getaway! :-)

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28!!!!

[BrightFuture]

Vge, thank you so much for stopping by and giving me some encouragement.

I’ve so busy with work and the side work recently, that I barely have time to read the threads, not talking about posting my thoughts…

I have make some effort now to remember what I wanted to post. My interaction with H is not so exciting (meaning stressful) anymore, so I just forget the details and have to go back and read the e-mails and texts again.

So, I was almost sure that my mutual friends already talked to H and told him what I said about the vacation home and the whole situation. I was expecting H to get mad and become rude again. I received an e-mail yesterday with the updated file (which I asked for for an audit today.) It that e-mail it was just a file attachments without any word, just like he would do at some point two years ago. I immediately thought that we were back at square and he started to treat me like I’m nothing again.

Then I opened my other e-mail account, from which I forwarded the info about the audit to him. He replied nicely on that one (addressing me by name and signing his name), answering my questions and wishing me luck with the audit and telling me that he would have his phone on (in case I needed to contact him for any questions.)

I had an auditor at my house at the scheduled time. It turns out that the audit was triggered by an inconsistency of a quarterly return form that I submitted in 2013. I missed one line and didn’t fill the number in. No wonder… I was under a lot of stress back then. I’m surprised I didn’t make more mistakes and didn’t miss any deadlines. The auditor didn’t find any other problems and said that we are fine and don’t have to worry about anything.

I was driving to work a half and hour after the end of the appointment, and H texted me, asking how the audit went. I replied that it was good and they didn’t find any issues. He replied “Awesome, congratulations on good bookkeeping!” I replied with some details about my mistake on the form which caused the audit and inserted some light humor in there, with smiley faces.

I got no reply to that. So, my experiment trying to engage him in more conversation failed. I don’t think he wants it. He is not ready. Or, he didn’t know how to reply. A few min later I received another text from him asking me if I had to make any changes to the QB. I replied that I did not. The end.

Sooo, just like Wonka posted on Cali’s thread, this is just plain business for H.
The good thing is that he didn’t get into nasty/indifferent mood, and I still got to go to the vacation home, as planned!

[BrightFuture]

Obviously, I’m not following all the good advice posted to me… Cannot overcome the resistance to open a line of communication with H. Or… just don’t have enough imagination… I feel stupid today…

[job]

I would send him one more email asking about the vacation home and keep the request simple. State that if you don't hear from him by a certain date, you are going to assume it's okay.

Obviously, he had other things on his mind like the business that took his focus off your question. They can't focus on too many things at once. Now that the audit is over, send him the request. He may very well answer.

[LoisB]

Bright,

How are YOU even close to being stupid???????!

Where would your H be without you for the past few years while he has been on his adolescent sabbatical? With the audit? With his housing situation? With his bills?

He!!, even with his dam mail?

I've been thinking this for awhile now... off and on, here on the boards, you get sensitive and sometimes downright angry with posts. OR, you drift into hating yourself for not being where you think you should be or not doing this or that or not getting a response.

Take what you want, leave the rest...

We've been privy to our deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings for the good part of 2-3 years now.

I think you are angry because you have done all the DB stuff. YOU have handled it like a pro and stepped away and allowed him his space and not pressured and done it ALL THE WAY IT'S SUGGESTED/ADVISED... I think you're angry because you did it all the way you're supposed to and you haven't gotten the response you wanted.

And, after sacrificing so much and being so supportive and following the advice... he still may cheat.

The bottom line Bright: There's not a dam thing you can do or not do that will change this crisis for him. YOU could stand on your head naked in the town square and he will continue on his merry way without even taking notice.

You didn't cause this. You can't control this. It's his crazy to get through and he will continue to push through it no matter if you follow the suggestions on here to perfection.

If my years with Smokey have taught me anything... it's that some individuals have a destiny with crazy and they will stop at nothing to complete whatever agenda they feel they need to complete... bar none, no matter if you are Sophia Loren with all the charms of the most perfect Aphrodite.

Cut yourself a break.

I think you are confusing the "final cut" with the big D. Maybe the final cut is more about you cutting him loose, completely to seek his own whatever.

I still see you so invested in everything he does. From his mail to his weekend antics. I know his brand of MLC has given you some hope and you've even heard words of encouragement about the marriage on here. That doesn't mean things can't still be salvaged. There's always hope. But, you seem to continue to hold yourself back from living a life free of him...

I KNOW!! YOU aren't embracing the woman you really are because you are still invested in the man he IS. Today, he is a d-bag. YOU are the prize. You are an incredibly together woman who has handled this with such grace and dignity.

I would have burned those stupid Playboys months and months ago... in a bonfire, along with anything he left in the house and I'd take a selfie to send to him with a bottle of wine showing me dropping the Playboy into the flames. :-) But, that's MY crazy.

At some point, you need to leave him to his crazy without allowing it make YOU feel stupid about yourself. That's just adding self-abuse to the list of insanity HIS CRAZY has caused in your life.

Maybe I just wrote that all to myself?

[BrightFuture]

Job, I will probably do it, after this weekend. I’m going to see our mutual friends. I’m sure they are going to fill me in about this… The way I asked him the question was kind to just let him know about my plans and to let me know if there is any conflict with his. Since I didn’t get any reply about this, I take it as there is no conflict and I can use the condo.

Heather, thank you so much for your post. I do need 2x4 sometimes, even though I disagree sometimes.

I think you are angry because you have done all the DB stuff. YOU have handled it like a pro and stepped away and allowed him his space and not pressured and done it ALL THE WAY IT'S SUGGESTED/ADVISED... I think you're angry because you did it all the way you're supposed to and you haven't gotten the response you wanted.

You are absolutely right about this.
And this:

The bottom line Bright: There's not a dam thing you can do or not do that will change this crisis for him. YOU could stand on your head naked in the town square and he will continue on his merry way without even taking notice.

Sometimes I think that I need to stand on my head for me, to get me out of this sitch.

I think the final cut and big D are actually same thing for me. I’m not sure how else I need to cut him loose. The only things that cause any communication are the things that would get handled with D, like joint property, business, accounts, insurance, etc.

I still see you so invested in everything he does. From his mail to his weekend antics.

Well, I don’t know if I’m invested. I post this because there is not much to post otherwise. I have a house that I can afford, I have a job that I like, I have family, great friends, I can travel, if I want to, I am still in good health... But, I’m still grieving. So, I’m here to get some support and encouragement to help me through this process. And H is still in my thoughts. I don’t know if I ever going to be able to get rid of these thoughts. This is why I post things I post (mail, his antics, etc.). When I don’t get much response I feel that all this is so stupid and I should not post unless I have some very insightful things to say. I’m not so good at it.

I KNOW!! YOU aren't embracing the woman you really are because you are still invested in the man he IS. Today, he is a d-bag. YOU are the prize. You are an incredibly together woman who has handled this with such grace and dignity.

Thank you, Heather. I will have to think about your first statement here. I think you brought up a very interesting point that could be the reason why I’m still where I am.

Another thing I want to mention, about me getting angry and sensitive with the posts. I cannot recall specific posts, but I know that I do get sensitive when people who just randomly pop up and without even knowing my sitch, give me some cliché advice. I’m very intuitive, so I feel when it is fake. If it comes at the time when I’m not feeling too good, I do respond with some sensitivity and even anger, like you mentioned. I’m trying to be nice though. Maybe I should not respond at all, if I cannot explain what I feel.

Well, it is now confirmed that the woman on the FB picture posted on that weekend when he was in my town, is actually the woman I was thinking about. I’m not invested… Just the fact… And the possibility of her being an OW which could create another implication with all our mutual friends. Do I need to lose all the friends who know both of us? Why he cannot stay away from the relationships with friends and family members?

[job]

If you can manage to be friends w/the people who are friends to both you and your h, then you don't need to lose them. However, conversations between you and those particular friends about your h, what he's doing, etc. need cease. The old saying goes "a dog that brings a bone, will carry a bone". What is going on between your h and you needs to remain w/you and I would definitely not want them discussing the availability of the condo w/your h so that you can go there.

Bright, I know you enjoy being around your friends, but you've got to start coming to terms that if they are telling you stuff about him, then it stands to reason that they are doing the same thing w/him. Keep your conversations on fun things and not on discussions about him or your relationship.

As for FB, I know you are curious, but it's not doing you any good looking at his stuff. All it does is make you frustrated and discouraged and yes, it is on your mind at different times.

I worry about you.