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FLman Offline OP
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My partner of 6 years left me for a man who is married and has kids.

I know it at least was an emotional affair. I was struggling with family health issues (my side) and I wanted us to move closer. I wasn't as supportive as I should have been with her job. I can see how I made her feel unsupported and alone. I didn't mean to, but I could see how my actions contributed to her behavior.

She just went home to visit family for a few weeks. Before that, she discovered the other man. She was mad and accuse me of violating her privacy and trust. I do believe she made the worst violation of trust.

We we sent a few emails back-and-forth. Mine was the last, calling her out for her lack of care about how she treated me.

She's away for another couple weeks and she wants me moved out by the time she arrives.

I know she's still seeing this married guy, As crazy as it sounds, I do want her back. Or at least I'd like to try again. (If she does it again, it's on me).

I'm not sure what to do. Do I send her another email trying to ease back from blaming her? Do I tell the other man's wife in the hopes she keep it anonymous and ends the affair?

Do I just ride it out?

I can provide more info if needed. Already read divorce remedy.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Are you two married? (you call her your "partner"). Whose name(s) are on the mortgage/lease? I certainly wouldn't be the one moving out if she is the one having the affair, but I think we need some details than what you're providing here in order to properly advise you.

What did you do to violate her trust?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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FLman Offline OP
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Thanks Cadet

Thanks Starsky309...

We're not married. I was planning to propose soon.

After a few weeks of not being able to get her to change her mind and take me back I looked on her computer and discovered the OM - that was violating her trust.

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Originally Posted By: FLman
Thanks Cadet

Thanks Starsky309...

We're not married. I was planning to propose soon.

After a few weeks of not being able to get her to change her mind and take me back I looked on her computer and discovered the OM - that was violating her trust.



Did you already know at that point that she had been the OW in a previous relationship? Sounds to me like you were just being wise, and protecting yourself considering her past track record and her suspicious current behavior.

btw, you should stick to one thread -- easier for people to follow you.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: FLman

After a few weeks of not being able to get her to change her mind and take me back I looked on her computer and discovered the OM - that was violating her trust.


Wait a cotton pickin' minute...buddy.

You violated her trust??! Nuh, nope. It's the other way around. She violated YOUR trust by stepping out of your R and acquiring OM. To be clear, you have done nothing to violate her trust at all.

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Absolutely agree with Wonka. It isn't unreasonable to take due steps, based on suspicions, to ensure that your boundaries aren't being violated. You took those steps and they were.

I think the only times this kind of behaviour becomes unreasonable are when you do that kind of thing all the time with no grounds for suspicion. Don't buy in to her perception of this.

I would think very carefully about entering into marriage.....and would firmly backtrack on any potential proposal until or unless you are absolutely satisfied that things are resolved. That isn't likely to be any time soon would be my guess.

Keep reading and posting, and take care of yourself :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Toots
I would think very carefully about entering into marriage.....and would firmly backtrack on any potential proposal until or unless you are absolutely satisfied that things are resolved. That isn't likely to be any time soon would be my guess.


AGREE 150%!! You did nothing wrong! Obviously something was off or you would not have to check the computer! It's intel! Good for you!! This is just my opinion, but you 2 are not married! This is no way to start a marriage. I would be cutting all ties and saying adios!! Have a good life! But that is just me.


Me:44
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BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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I agree too, and said pretty much the same thing on the other thread.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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FLman Offline OP
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I agree re Trust Wonka & Co.

I sent her a validation letter, while pointing out her behavior hurt me.
She wrote back that she sees how her actions really hurt me. She explained that while it's not much better, she planned to break up with me before she met him. She kept it an EA while we were still living together despite his advances (from what I saw it all checks out).

I still want to try to get her back (if she does it again, then shame on me). So what's my next step? Do I email her back and keep validating (I totally see how I neglected her feelings for 1.5 years)?
Do I tell the OM's spouse to get him out of the picture?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Hello FLman,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

What are you wanting to accomplish by telling the OM's spouse? If your goal is to reconcile, telling the OM's spouse will do the opposite and drive your partner further away.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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A few questions, how old are you? And what ties do you have to the relationship? Finances, house, car, bills, pets?


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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FLman Offline OP
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Thanks. I'm 35 and no financial ties to the relationship

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Thanks Joe46. I'm 35 and no financial ties to the relationship

Cristy -

By telling the other man's wife I hope to remove him as an obstacle. I know the fundamental problems are with me and her, but he's making it much harder to engage her.

He not only meeting the needs I should have but I can see from his emails he's an operator and is doing all he can to keep her away from me.

If his wife tells him it's me who told, I know I'm screwed. But if I can get her to A. end the affair and B. says she found out another way, I can get him out of the picture.

I realize that's a tall order and I cannot predict how the wife will respond.

I just feel like I have no shot until he's gone. We're not even living together now.

As for what I can do now, other than focusing on myself, is respond to her letter and validate more?

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FLman

I would consider yourself as having had a lucky escape in that you are not married to her with no financial ties.

Why the hell would you want this person back to even consider marriage with when she has already treated you like this?

She wants out, she has told you point blank, so to save yourself from more pain let her have what she wants. Let her go and move on. You are young with a full life ahead of you. There are a million women out there who will treat you a whole lot better than this one has.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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FLman, Ontheup said what I was thinking. I know it hurts. It is scary. But this is no way to start a marriage. Stick with us on this board and the people here can help you through this. Detach from this situation. If I was in your shoes, I would cut all ties with her. No communication. I would than go GAL BIG TIME!! I am not saying run out into a relationship or go hook up. Go have some fun with friends and family. I am assuming you live in Florida because of your screen name? If so, what are you worried about? I would be hanging out on the beach checking out the ladies in the bikinis!!!

Follow the steps on here and read all the welcome posts Cadet posted, read self help books, speak with a IC. Become the best man you can be and be patient for the next special lady that comes along. You will be fine. NOW GET OUT ON THAT BEACH!!! Suntan Florida ladies!! I would join you if I didn't have to work! But I am there in spirit!! We could get Wonka to come too maybe!! LOL!!


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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