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Hi Bea, thanks for posting. I had hoped to settle financials without a D, but H won't agree to this. He doesn't think we should do one without the other, and in the UK there isn't any legal leverage to resolve financials alone - both of you have to agree. My only leverage would be to file for D.

In truth, I have lost my fear of D, but I would still prefer not to have to file.

One other strange thing I forgot to mention. I woke up the other morning to find a missed facetime call from H at 10.30 the night before. I can't imagine he would think it ok to call in that way and at that time, so I'm assuming it was a mistake or a pocket call.

Interesting that others have wished they hadn't let things ride. I think there is a 'sweet spot' between vigorously protecting your own interests and standing for your M. I need to think about this some more. At this point, if we resolved financials in the way he has suggested, I would be very comfortable. If I leave things and he significantly erodes our assets, that would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Thanks for your insight Bea xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Toots, we all have to make our own decisions and live with them, and each case is different. Like you I could not separate assets without divorce - and so I waited it out. They do not become more generous!!

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Hi Toots,

I'm glad you've had a good weekend and have so many GAL options. It must be a nice problem to have.

That is a strange call from your H, pocket dialing is the most obvious answer but of all the contacts for it to use it seems odd.

Just reading what you said above about the divorce and at the same time not being able to imagine being with your H again, which I can see would be strange in itself given the amount of time that has passed.

I know it gets said a lot but the divorce is about paperwork and although it obviously has a big emotional aspect it doesnt really change anything in terms of any possible future with H. Whoever your next R is with its going to have to be built afresh.

It does change your financial situation though and give you a bit more legal protection. Apologies if this sounds a bit callous but without the financial settlement you are effectively paying a monthly subscription to stay married to your H. Reminds me of an unused gym membership.

As ridiculous as it sounds but i think you can divorce and still stand. I guess it depends on your view of what standing means and whether you see a difference between waiting, standing or simply not closing the door.

Anyway I hope you have a good week.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Hello Toots!

Thank you for your post in my thread. I’m playing “catch-up” on many situations and it sounds like you are handling your situation well. I am so happy that you are in "GAL mode." Yay! Isn't it refreshing to get out and do something you enjoy?

You are such a caring, inspirational woman. I know your support means so much to me and others, too.

I truly believe that things will work out for the best for you. smile

All God's blessings...

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Hi Toots. Get posts above. Jim has a great point re the D and still standing. The financials are always a worry and you shouldn't have to dip into your savings every month.

I know you are an intelligent woman and will do what's best for you but if I can just advise to keep money and your feelings seperated In time you will look back and this time will be a bad memory , don't let it be any worse re money

Take care Rd xx

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Thanks Bea, Jim, Bob and RD. I'm still pondering things, and for sure I'm getting closer to the point of filing myself. I'm conscious that H will have had a couple of logistical things to sort out prior to filing, and perhaps that delayed a little. I actually feel that if/when D papers arrive, I will be somewhat relieved.....and perhaps distressed....but relieved too. I feel if we get a further couple of months on without any action, I'm going to have to go for it myself.

The other thing I have decided is that I'm going to arrange to get STD screened as V has done recently. TBH, it never really occured to me, but now I know that it could happen, I feel I should get screened at some point. Certainly before I considered being involved with anyone else. In my sitch H was sleeping with OW, who had a partner, who was sleeping with - possibly no-one....but I don't know the guy so who knows!!!

For me, I'm still working on anger release, noticing what makes me angry. Mainly I just feel bad when I think about that time before we S, when I didn't know what was happening. And also thinking about OW brings anger forward. I'm just making an effort not to hold that in, and I'm still primal screaming in the car which helps.

Been working away last couple of days and all busy. I'm off tomorrow, so that should be nice. Nothing planned, other than yoga in the evening. But I plan to clean the flat as I have a couple of friends coming over for drinks on Friday night. Other than that, a nice pampering day....

Love and best wishes to you all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Toots glad your having a relaxing day today. Your post seems a bit comfused ? or wandering ?

You ssem to want the D papers because its a movement more than the stagnation you are currently in. Does this mean you are still not really moving forward with your life ?

Following your sitch , your GAL is impressive, your work seems to bring you satisfaction and you have good friends and family around you. I know first you have to be happy with who you are and it seems you are but the loss of H still weighs very heavy on you.

Your screaming in the car makes me smile, I imagine anyone watching would see this attractive, well groomed lady, who from a quick glance , would seem to be ok suddenly burst into a screaming fit !!!!!!

The STD check is needed but also horrible to even think about and it's only going to fuel your anger about H and OW. I think the thing to remember here is H was going to do what he did regardless of Toots. I know none of us are blameless in our sitchs but at the same time we were / are all prepared to work on it and our WAS weren't and did things that most of us wouldn't have.

Again Toots, I envy the next man in your life, if that's H then great ( for him ) but who ever he is , he will be a very lucky man.

Have a good day, Rd xx

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Hi RD, thanks for dropping in. Did I sound confused & wandering? Oh dear crazy . I guess I am just at the point where I have accepted we may/will D and I'm okay with that. So, part of me says 'bring it on; I'll be just fine.'

From an emotional and 'standing' perspective, I wouldn't choose to file myself. But from a financial POV, I may well need to soon - purely to get our assets divided. Standing is one thing, being daft is another - and I don't think I'm daft!! I feel clear in my own mind - but may not be expressing myself very well!!

I rang the Sexual Health clinic this morning. They just do drop-ins, not appointments. So, I'll work up to that one!! The clinics aren't at the most convenient time for me, so I'll need to shuffle something.

Other than that, all is well. I'm suppressing a little urge to poke the bear these days, as I haven't heard from H for a while. I guess you are right RD, the loss of H does still sadden me. Does it weigh heavy? Not heavy - but it does still weigh. I'm generally happy with my life - bar the loss of H - I just need to work on making that smaller in my mind than it is now. I do feel I'm heading in a good direction and will get there.

Take care xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Toots

Truly I just bit the bullet and went to be tested the same day. I didn't give myself time to think. It's important and I was going to face it. Better to know. Especially with the Fishwife POW/OW and as Gg described cooties.

It was very matter of fact, you are a number only. It's OK to do, then go out and treat yourself to a piece of cheeeeeeese cake and a tipple. Another thing on the LBS checklist.

I recommend that every LBS does this if there is an OP and they have had intimacy with their significant other.

At the end it was the thing that cut the rope for me, I have no idea why but it did.

Imagine I am with you when you go, breathe and smile. It's ok.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/05/15 01:02 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Toots! I have been so wrapped up in myself lately that I have dropped the ball and not been around for my DB friends much. So sorry for that. I was reading back through your thread and the post from 7/17 rang so much truth with me. The more I read of your sitch, the more I think we were married to the same man. I don't think my XH cheated in our bed, because he never had the chance, but I know he cheated and he is not willing to own up to it. I have let it go, knowing that Karma will eventually come calling and whack him right square in the head.

I so enjoy your posts and your comments on my thread. I know you are an amazing person who is on her way to soaring high. smile Much love to you, wonderful lady. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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