H really did go above and beyond what I would have thought he was capable of, I will admit, he made my day.
One thing I notice about myself is that I am finally seeing the reflection of my changes through his eyes. For a long time, I was seeing those changes only with friends, and still feeling like my old self around H, to a point where I would feel uncomfortable around him because I couldn't stand that "old vibe"
But I noticed, especially on the cruise, my happiness is coming through....my place of peace and calm is staying consistent around H. I don't feel those doubts in myself, I am feeling a new found confidence and stability, not so much of the insecurities anymore. It makes a huge difference when spending time with him. Still some work to do, but I continue to feel stronger and stronger.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
One thing I notice about myself is that I am finally seeing the reflection of my changes through his eyes. For a long time, I was seeing those changes only with friends, and still feeling like my old self around H, to a point where I would feel uncomfortable around him because I couldn't stand that "old vibe".
Hey, mleigh, this is what I feel now. I don’t have much interaction with H, so I have no idea how I would feel around him. I think I’m afraid that I would be my old self around him. I guess this is part of my hesitation to start doing something different to change my sitch, like start communicating with H more. You just gave me some hope that I can be my new self and not revert back to the old stuff...
I’m so happy for you, that you had a great trip and enjoyed your b-day. And the red roses! This means something…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks for your post on my thread. Very interesting to hear from another who went into this whole thing before spouse. There are not too many of us it seems.
We are always told to take from this forum information/advice pertinent to our situation. I found I was walking a tight rope in that I needed to give H time and space but also show him that I was ready to make him and M a priority. Given my withdrawal there was a lot of hurt and mistrust on his part given the circumstances.
I sometimes blamed myself too, so I understand how you feel. But, just as we've woken up and realized everything we experienced was not H's fault, we have to remind ourselves we didn't cause it for them either.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you Cali, I DID enjoy the wine, but I get spoiled with the good stuff!
Hi Bright. It has taken me a long time to feel like the new me with H. I was worried for a while that it was not possible for me to be any different around him. Gradually, it started changing. I think part of that was greater detachment on my part.
Hawho, thank you for the reminder that I did not break H, so I can not fix him. His issues were not brought on by me. Even my family and friends are starting to voice that what H is going through must have nothing to do with me, because it just doesn't make sense. My question is, when or if H will ever see that?
Not much to update....back to the normal quiet here. No interaction with H since my Bday on Saturday.
In the last week, I have had a co-worker and my cousin tell me I look really good and happy, but that they were worried that I am getting a little too comfortable with my new lifestyle.
So I gave it some thought and realized for the first time in 25 years I am on my own with no boyfriend or husband in my life, and ya, I am enjoying the break. I don't want this forever, for sure, but I feel the need for that space right now. I would love to have my family all together, but I don't have that option right now, it is what it is, so why fight it?
I LOVE having the house to myself and just the overall freedom I feel right now. I also still sense something bigger and better is around the corner for me. Life is good right now, no complaints.
I like that it is reflecting off of me so that people are noticing it.....and I sense H is noticing it too. I figure it must take the pressure off him to make some kind of choice or decision. He can see S and I are doing well, and it gives him the chance to focus on himself and figure things out....
Sounds like something Job has posted to me before.....am I on to something there with that thought process Job?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh, Your positive outlook and energy are shining thru and people are noticing the changes and so is your h! I do believe we had a discussion about the positive energy quite a while ago, but it takes time for people experiencing the effects of the MLC tornado to understand just how much the role of positive energy plays in our lives.
Yes, you are on to something w/that thought process. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy Saturday. No plans this weekend without S, in fact, feeling quite bored!
We had an exciting lightning storm Thursday night, not something we see much in Cali. I did not have S home, but we watched it together on the phone for a few minutes while H was in the background trying to use some app on his phone to take pictures. Once again, he was missing it all with his tech gadgets. Drives me crazy!
In fact, not feeling so good about H right now....I just have these days where I can't see us back together...doesn't seem possible...anyone have those?
H TM at about 11 to plan on getting S for his night. I mentioned I need dog food, which we get from Costco but only H has a card (he is on his dad's account..eyeroll) so he asked if we all want to go, I said sure. He said he would get ready and head over. 2 1/2 hours later, no H. So I TM asking if he was ok. He replied sorry, the owner of his house had come by to go over the main bath remodel and just left, said he would be over in 10 minutes. 1 hour later he arrived.
I sensed nothing but BS, but kept my cool and said nothing. WTF could take him so long? Anyway, we went off to Costco. While there, I was looking for an antivirus for my laptop, and he was telling me about getting some backup storage and we passed up some memory sticks which reminded me that he had taken all of ours when he moved out and was grabbing random things. So I asked him, do you have all our memory cards because they are all gone? He said no and mentioned that the new camera is missing too, asked if I ever found it? I said no but that I was pretty sure he had this stuff.
He got mad, said no. So I said maybe (his klepto friend that helped him move) has it. Ya, my anger popped out, I am pissed about H taking all the memory cards in the house. So H replied, I don't think my friend is the only man that has been in jail who has been in the house, do you? Is he the only felon who has been in the house? (Referring to my friend) H was angry while saying it, so I shut up....but I did lowly mumble (because of S) that I hear a rumor is going around, we can talk about it if he wants.....
Then we both were quite, then changed the subject.
I wonder sometimes, should I bring this up so we can clear the air? But then I think, F H, he left me to work through so many bad looking situations with lame excuses, he doesn't deserve for me to be so kind.
That's when I get here....how will I ever trust him? How can I ever feel close to him again? How can I ever feel like I can believe him or even count on him? Even if we worked through this M hurdle, will he bail again the next time things get tough? I am a strong woman, I need a strong man, and I am realizing that is not H...
Over the years I have learned what some simple things are that I need in an R, not want, but NEED. H does not fit that profile and hasn't for a long time. If it just isn't in H, not who he is, do I settle for that?
I get to this place where I just can't see it, a wave of dread of accepting that and what must happen next....
Sigh, not feeling so positive about H or ever having a M with him....but I do sense I will continue to work through this to figure out what I should do. I figure this must be part of the process for me to decide my own future?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
That's when I get here....how will I ever trust him? How can I ever feel close to him again? How can I ever feel like I can believe him or even count on him? Even if we worked through this M hurdle, will he bail again the next time things get tough? I am a strong woman, I need a strong man, and I am realizing that is not H...
Over the years I have learned what some simple things are that I need in an R, not want, but NEED. H does not fit that profile and hasn't for a long time. If it just isn't in H, not who he is, do I settle for that?
I get to this place where I just can't see it, a wave of dread of accepting that and what must happen next....
Sigh, not feeling so positive about H or ever having a M with him....but I do sense I will continue to work through this to figure out what I should do. I figure this must be part of the process for me to decide my own future?
Wow ! Reading this passage was like your words were coming out of my head - seriously, you are not the only one feeling this way and asking the hard questions.
It's a quandary, but I feel that perhaps it comes down to: there is no certainties in life - we make the choices that feel right to us at the time, knowing full well there are no guarantees. Someone else could just as easily turn out to be the wrong person, we just have to hope that our judgement holds us well. I am sure not one of us here expected our h/w to board the crazy train; had you been pre warned would you have still married him?
I recently had a conversation with my h (who has popped his head out of the tunnel, panicked, but instead of running back in he is getting help of the shrink kind) he said " us getting together would be a complete new relationship; dating and getting to know each other again - the bonus is that we already know what each other looks like naked, we have done the kids bit and we have a head start in knowing the little things about each other" In a way he is right - he was not saying that the past year or so has not happened, it needs to be talked about at some point, nor is he brushing any previous m problems under the carpet - he is saying that we can't pick up from where we left off - that was a bad m, a dead m. IF your h decides that he wants you back in his life romantically then his attitude will change from what it is now - you are making a judgement on what is in front of you - the guy that is not only not on the same page, but currently not reading the same book as you.
You are a different person now, a stronger more independent women who knows what values they need and desire in a partner - this is what will see you through, be it with your h or someone new. mleigh, you will be fine, I just know it. You will know what is right for you at the time, be open to all possibilities, you deserve the best and nothing less.
Hi Lou. I have been following your sitch updates lately, congrats on your promotion! and congrats on your H waking up.
I get what you are saying and totally agree, I am basing my current doubts and fears on the current H. If he was to start coming out of the tunnel, I suppose he would be different, but I am not sure he could ever open up about his experience as your H has been doing....my H is very closed up and private, rarely shows emotions...
I wonder, will I ever be able to look at him and see someone other than the person he has been the last 2 years....not sure if I could forgive...no matter if we were ever to work on R or not. I have gotten far enough to where we can be friends and I genuinely care about him, but that is more for our son than anything. Having a child with him created an eternal bond for me, but not sure if that is all it is now.
Not sure if I can feel more than that....just going off of time spent with him recently, the cruise and my birthday, times when I should be feeling a closeness with him....it saddens me that there is just no connection and no desire for him anymore...
I need to figure out, is it because of who he is today? Is it because I did get a little caught up in his recent attention? Not going to lie, it threw me off a little. Or is it because I am starting to realize I am done?
Lots going on in my little noggin lately, and it's making me feel tired and a bit melancholy. Will work through this until I can find my balance again.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
If he was to start coming out of the tunnel, I suppose he would be different, but I am not sure he could ever open up about his experience as your H has been doing....my H is very closed up and private, rarely shows emotions...
My h is a very insular closed person, he found/finds opening up about what he feels extremely hard. Somehow (maybe the desperate need because of his life crashing down around him) he has managed to blurt out things and as I did not run a mile he has added more as we go along. I admit that some of it has been hard to hear and has made me back off - so I totally get what your saying about seeing your h very differently ....
