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Joined: Oct 2014
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Jellyb

I have seen you about the board with some beautiful inspiring posts which I am enjoying reading.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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JellyB Offline OP
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Hello Lady V,

Trying to reach out of my introverted cave, and connect more. New goal of mine. Since I am feeling so much better,I thought that while I don't have any sage advice to offer and I can offer some kind words of encouragement.

I feel a longer post is coming about where I am at, but I'm still formulating some ideas and feelings .

Catch you soon lady V

Jellybxxxx

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It's working Jellyb.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Jelly - I am finding really hard to break away from my introverted ways. I have not done well meeting new people - I sure hope to do better (I met my S21's potential future FIL the other night - which was a social stretch for me to do on my own without WW. It went well, but I feel so awkward trying to make light conversation - I'm sure that sounds completely weird to most people here).

But anyway, thanks for stopping by my place earlier, I hope you are doing well and also hope to have an update from you.

Cheers


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Big hug Jelly B!

Looking forward to reading your update.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Thanks Lady V, U and PP for stopping by, so lovely to have visitors.

Ok so here goes! Update:

Health: Well I am about 95% back to full health. I can walk fairly upright now and the wounds are healing really well, , the scarring may not be as bad thought it would be. Although the skin on my stomach looks like a crime scene and is generally a mess (I'll explain more about that later). I am getting to the point where I need to get back exercising. The weight I lost is slowly creeping back on.

Living Situation: Well as I said previously have been living in my sisters spare room since the BD. Well I have been flat hunting. OMG Auckland rental situation is appaulling and the cost. I am reluctant to go flatting again with others at age 43, but it seems like the most finanically sensible decision to make at the moment. It will allow me to keep saving for a deposit on a house. (This is a new goal - Have decided that it's time I set myself up for my retirement just in case I end up becoming a the crazy essentric spinister lady)!)

Work: Well, I have completely stepped out of my comfort zone and applied for two positions within my workplace. Both feel way outside of my area of confidence. While I didn't get the one I really wanted, the feedback from the interview was positive, I was told to apply for a similar position when one becomes available, that is more specialised and I would likely success in getting it. The other position I did get, and I start that on Monday next week. It is a pilot project related to how the govt is going to respond differently to Child Abuse and Child Protection in NZ. I am really excited as the social work practices are going to be new and ground breaking. This position could potentially set me up for a new role once the project is over.

I am super excited about this change in working environment, as my work had been a significant point of tension within my relationship with ex. I felt like my career had stalled in the small town I had been living in with him. The opportunities and development just were not there. Since I have been back in my home town and back in my current workplace, opportunities have been coming left and right. And now I feel able to take them up.

I am not sure if I should be to ex for letting me go or what. Something to consider a little longer. I know that he feels that this is one of the reasons he felt he needed to end things between us. He feels that he was letting me come back to a place where I could be more successful and have what I wanted. Hmmmmm, that thinking doesn't make sense to me still.

GAL: Well my introverted nature, means that I am still enjoying the quiet life. I am quite happy reconnecting with friends still. I know I need to push myself to take up some new things. I brought a really nice DSLR digital camera just before things went pear shaped with ex. I had the intention of doing a night class in photography. So this is one of my GAL goals for the coming months.

I also want to get back training on my road bike. I feel like I need to pick a cycling event. I think this is the only way I am actually going to get the focus I need. Some spring and summer weather would certainly help but that's a long way off. I just need to harden up and put my BGP's on and do it!

It feels ridiculously odd but I have dipped my toe back into the dating pond. OMG, am I ready for this!!!!!!

I forgot how dating triggers all my insecurties! All my triggers that occured in my relationship with ex, come up via dating. So I have decided to use dating as tool for healing and recovery. I can already feel some small (and I really mean minute changes) in how I am responding. Just less worried about what they are thinking about me, and need to seek approval. Trying to let go of being too accomdating and saying what my preferences are.

Big trigger is around my physical appearance. Well I am going to say this out loud, and it freaks me out to write this out. But this is growing. I have been a fatty since I was about 10 years old and my weight esclated to the point at at 28 years old, I was about 340Lbs. Well I have worked hard to get down to 187lbs. The weight loss has taken it's toll on my skin ( thus way my stomach looks like a crime scene with the recent surgery). Well the idea of dating again and potentially exposing myself physically,FREAKS me out completely!!!

Just telling someone you are attracted to is hard enough. The shame and embarassment of how I let myself get that big. So not looking forward to having to explain it again.

I have to acknowledge that I get a bit annoyed and frustated(and it is wholy unwarranted) about people being worried about dating and finding love again with someone new. I just don't get their anxiety. I think what have you got to worry about, your're attractive inside and out and have alot to offer. You don't have to explain why your body looks like a bus crash! (please know that I realise this requires alot of unpacking and letting go).

Mental health: I have been putting off going back to therapy as I don't want to spend the money. I generally feel good. I am depression free at the moment and the freedom of that is amazing. I feel the most like my best self, it has been some time since I felt like this. At least a couple of years. So I am enjoying it.

There is an update needed about feelings about ex and where that stands but I think I'll save that for another day. Enough said above I think.

Well there's my open book on where I am. Exposed!

Thanks for caring, reading. Sending you all my love, and some glorious light to see you through your journey.


xxxJellyB.

Last edited by JellyB; 07/31/15 05:01 AM.
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Hey Jelly, thanks for the update and thank you for sharing.

I'm excited you have an interesting new opportunity! I know my career has been a great outlet for me, something that has met many of my needs and allowed me to provide for my family as well. I'm glad hiring managers are seeing the value you bring and that you'll have a chance to play such a rule within this important project. Yes, with any new job comes a few negatives to be determined, but the overall sounds just fabulous! And you're right, money does matter, keep on this road and you'll have enough to buy a whole room full of cats wink

I don't put too much weight into the 'you'll be better off back home' business. WAS's are grounded in selfishness and are all about justifying what they want, this sounds like rationalization and ways to reduce guilt to me.

I'm still mulling over what he said before about wishing you'd set stronger boundaries or had not been so easy to take for granted. There's some interesting feedback there, and I know I had the same feelings at times about WAW...and while I never left and thought I valued her, there were times I treated her poorly and felt I was being noble for accepting an undesirable package. My frustration was she followed the path of a stereotypical SAHM...she let her appearance go, let the house go, and most importantly she put 100% into the children and completely neglected me. I was really frustrated and in turn put 100% into work and my hobbies, and our M fell apart over the last few years. There are no excuses to how I treated her. I can just relate to the idea that it's hard to value someone that doesn't know who they are and value themselves. Sometimes it's better to have a little conflict that is worked out through validating each others feelings and collaborating vs. being a pushover that makes the other person feel lonely because they're the only one with a personality (we talked about this before).

The reason I bring that up is because as you know if you start thinking of yourself as damaged goods in any way, be it your history with your weight, your surgery, or your introverted nature...you might attract the wrong type. I'm not just thinking of people that run you over, I'm thinking the codependent type that want to be a 'rescuer'. I've learned about the abusive rescuing triangle, start by rescuing, then get resentful that you are rescuing, then get abusive because of the resentment. It's a mess. You don't need a rescuer, you need a partner.

The hard part in that is that you have to break that potential cycle before it starts, and the way to do that is to put more value in how you see yourself. I know this is hard to do, and I can speak to it because I have the same battle. For me it's not weight or skin or scars, but as you've followed my posts you'll know that for me I am concerned that women will find my sexual desires as disgusting as you fear they'll find your body. The perception that guys start at all the beautiful people on TV and shrink away from a real woman with blemishes...I have the perception that women are so feminist and liberated that they'll punt me the minute I don't fit their ideas on how I should view sex and besides they don't need a man because it's 2015 and they won't settle...

That's a very high level description, it's more complicated than I can sum up in a few sentences. And I'm not saying it's exactly the same, I understand appearances are more visible so from a social perspective. Just know that as a guy I don't care about any of that stuff. I actually think the fact that you were able to overcome that challenge to this extent is pretty inspiring...and while I hope you stay healthy and take care of yourself, I wouldn't walk out on a woman if she gained weight back either. While looks can dictate attraction when you're in a group of strangers to some point, it's not 1/10th as important as who that person is, and once I'm with someone that matter (treating yourself with respect does, and that means taking care of yourself at least a little). When STBX treated me lovingly she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me...now I don't see it anymore. I'm confident that most men would have selective vision and see you as a beauty queen once they got to know you, and anyone that would run and hide you're better off without.

I know you know all of this, and that it can be tough to overcome social stigma. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing. The acceptance on these boards has been very helpful for me to start growing more confident in these areas. And I'm glad you're talking about it so we can get to know you better.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Hope you're having a good weekend JB. I've wrote a book recently and couldn't help but feel some parallels. Thanks again for sharing and being part of the family. Take care and talk soon.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Oct 2014
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Jb

If your tummy is a confidence downer have you thought about having remedial surgery?

I have had that on the collapsing Swiss cheese jaw.. Dental surgery for my confidence.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey there Jelly
I'm so glad you are finally feeling good. I'm sure that is a relief. Keep healing.

It would be scary to go flatting with others - I have never lived with a stranger like that - aside from WW for the last 18 months. I hope for the best. I have been looking in a minor way for houses/apartments that would work in my budget and work with my two kids that live with us yet. It is tough. I am trying to keep my house, but am having some distant second thoughts on that - this house is haunted by a lot of memories that I think will always rattle their chains at me - I can always decide that later I guess.

I hope you stumble into something great.

when I was looking at bike trails here on google maps, I happened to scroll all waaay over to Auckland - a lot of bike trails there - looks like a great city - do you like it there? (does there happened to be a shortage of architects there - I can pack up and leave.)

What a great opportunity with your job - the way you write here, it sounds as though they would be privileged to have you. What a great thing to help others this way. I wish you success.

That is brave of you to talk about your insecurities. I can tell you that the things that you may be insecure about do not matter to most men and especially not to to the right person. My W is severely scarred from a "poorly done" reconstructive surgery she had when she was 20 and child birth was not easy on her as well as weight changes throughout and I can tell you that I have always thought she was the most beautify person and was never reluctant to tell her that and was always proud to stand by her side.

I am sure we all have our insecurities, I know I do - I could go on and on, zues has talked about his. I wish I had great advice with this, but I think many of us are the same - but we don't talk about it. We all seem to be hardest on ourselves, most judgmental to ourselves - it's really a shame.

Good for you getting out there and dating a little - I'm sure it is both a confidence boost and challenging all the same (that will scare the bejeezus out of me - can't even imagine). I understand your frustration about other people's insecurities, but I assure you their insecurities are real too (I can vouch for that) and these insecurities you feel about appearances are not warranted especially you are with the right person - trust me (I know you know this). I know I have contradicted myself here, but hey - I've never been accused of making sense.

I hope you are having a great weekend. It sounds like you are doing well.

Cheers


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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