Lonelee, I know exactly what you are feeling. When I first came here I thought no one was reading my posts. Patience is hard when we are hurting and scared. I will read up on your situation later. Weekends are slow here because alot of people are busy doing things. I spent alot of time reading through this forum while waiting for responses. If you just give it a chance, this place will change you for the better. Stick with us. You will be OK. I am heading out the door right now, but will check in on you in awhile. Hopefully one of the vets will be here soon. Hang tough! It gets better!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi Lonelee, I'm sorry you don't feel you've been receiving much in the way of feedback, and I would really suggest staying with the forum as it is so helpful. Some tips to generate some more traffic on your sitch would be:
Post to others on their threads. It doesn't matter if you are a Newbie. You are a few months in and have something to offer others. Even if it is just your journey so far, or to offer support.
Read up on other threads and get to 'know' what is happening with people. You may want to start following sitches similar to your own - similar age and OP involved....me for instance!!!
Post regularly, and ask questions and opinions about your sitch. Sometimes if you just give an update, others will read, but not respond.
If you'd like to see an example of a poster who has quickly made friends on the site, have a look at Bob's threads on newcomers. His friendly approach and supportive comments have led to lots of traffic on his thread - particularly when he has needed some urgent support.
So, I think it's a case of putting more in to get more out of the forum, and in time you'll be so glad you stuck around and did this. I have a little corps of buddies who joined at a similar time to me - and we tend to post regularly on each other's threads.
As for your sitch, I think it is no bad thing that you weren't available to take up your H's invite. The best you can do is detach as much as you are able right now. Things will likely take a while to play out. Sounds like you are doing well in terms of GAL, which is vital.
Your H is also the right age for a MLC. Have you looked at that part of the forum at all? It's where I post now. Also, maybe have a look at the threads of Elly, Pink, Sunny B, HaWho and Raliced for some lovely ladies, who are doing really well in similar circumstances. Also, are you reading the books??
Lastly, I'm afraid I have no idea about the cookies and subscriptions query. This part of the forum is moderated by Cadet, who is busy GAL at weekends.....doubtless he'll be back in the pilot's seat on Monday and will clarify then.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This is what I understand subscriptions ard cookies are computer software terms. They are about how logging in and how all websites works. They aren't sitch terms or specific to this website. You will often see pop up messages "accept cookies" if it's a board I trust I say yes as it helps the process of viewing smoother and easier. Pop ups are different they can involve ads and I generally say "no, no, no" to those.
Please be aware this is how I understand it I am sure a computer knowledgeable poster will comment if I haven't got this right. Subscriptions are the messages and terms you agree to when you sign up to a web site, for example to receive emails, messages, to behave according to the board rules etc. they are about you and the things you agree to, often mandatory if you want to use that site or board.
Cookies are different they are about the communication between your computer and the web site, they include logins, tracking your use, the way the site is viewed etc. This is both good and bad, it helps make manageable later visits easier administratively but they remain as files on your computer for next time. If you think you are at risk of being tracked then you may want to clear your login history on your web browser (safari on iPads, macs etc) or internet Explorer etc on a PC. Google clear my browsing history name of browser to discover.
Joe is right, the weekend is slow for posting. You may find until you reach thread 2 or 3 posters won't post as they often want to know you will stay around for awhile.
Settle in, read your DB when it arrives, explore Cadets links and absorb, keep posting. When you get to be an experienced poster look back and see this place, it is your beginning of patience. I am not sure if you are off moderation yet as that slooooooows thing down, although I suspect you are. Toots is right you will find your tribe by posting to others.
Joe is excellent as a support, if he is going to check in on you he will.
Gently
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1501:04 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sorry that you are here, but there are some great people that you will get to know. Read lots of other post and start engaging on others' threads. That will help people find you and engage with you.
I just got caught up on your situation. I am glad that things are calmer and you are able to control your emotions more. It does get easier, so keep up the great work.
I am in somewhat of a similar position as you, though my H is hiding A. I was not angry at first either, but it will come. Just try to not let yourself obsess over the A as it will take your focus off where you need to be -- working on yourself!! The hardest part of DB for me has been detaching.
As far as your question about being physical with H, why would you want this when he is choosing to be with someone else? Also, think of your health. There us a good chance he us not using protection 100% of the time.
I am not sure what you are referring to with subscriptions. Cookies store website info on to your computer, cell, etc about your search/browsing preferences and can be controlled in the Internet setting section. If you share your device/s that you use for posting with H you may want to clear the cookies out in addition to the search history.
Can you tell us more about why your H is unhappy in your M? What are some behaviors of yours you can start working on to make yourself a better version of yourself? That may help others chime in more.
Last edited by BT13; 08/02/1501:19 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
That's the technical bit as far as I can on computer stuff.
The board, finding others if you go to forum list, chose newcomers and then a list of recent posts comes up for this section of the board. The threads are the top are pinned they include definitions and other essential stuff. Wonka (a super vet) has a validation cheat sheet. I suggest you read it. I will post the link.
There is search too you can select the name from there. If someone has posted to you then you can click on their name next to the post and see all posts for that poster. Some posters have a theme for their posts, for example Toots has Tootling along, I have Plain Vanilla plus a number. Including your name enables others to find you. So for your next Thread you can call it My Story Lonlee 2 or Lonelee Journey 2. Etc. threads close at 100 posts and you can open a new one otherwise your thread locks. I try to create a new thread at about 95 posts as it gives space for link posts. When you get there ask and one of us will help you link the old thread to the new one, that also helps others follow your thread. Locking stops using your posts in quotes and you will find that irritating.
There is a thread in Cadets opening post on this admin type stuff but I know it's confusing so this is to help you along.
Just a question is the OW been seeing your WH since 2008 and what is the background with OW? What connection work, ex wife.
What happened in 2008 exactly at that bomb?
What actions did you and WH take in 2008 to repair your R?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1501:26 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
OK! I am back!! Sunday morning golf with 4 hours of sleep!! Wasn't pretty!! I see you have been given great advice while I was gone. Toots is correct, posting to others helps draw them to your thread. Even just a simple message works. I don't do enough of that myself.
I can see you are paying way to much attention to H in my opinion. I think azzork asked the perfect question, are you OK with your H sleeping with another woman? Being unhappy in your marriage does not make it OK. To me there are steps to take when people are unhappy. Finding out why, counseling, workshops and doing the work. Once you have tried everything and nothing works, than you start looking at separation and divorce. But you DON'T bring another person into it.
Your health is at risk. Are you willing to risk your health? Are you willing to share your husband? Are YOU ok with your situation?
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi Lonelee, I'm in a way in the same situation as you. H having an affair for 2 years, saying he wasn't happy. Nor was I, but he refused to communicate. We even went to see MC while his affair was going on ( when we went I didn't even know another woman was on the scene, but now I can see why it couldn't work!).
I'm not an expert but from where I stand why would he come back fully to you when he has sexual intercourse with you and her? So far there is no consequence for his actions! My H knew that if he went back to OW, we'll be done (that's what I thought but my heart says differently), and I knocked him out 4 months ago.
On the other hand, you are putting your health at risk. Get yourself check and stop sleeping with him. He is having the best of both world, why would he change the dynamic?
Oh my goodness thank you everyone!! I didnt see that you all had posted at first because it went to page 3 . I was looking under my post for replies. I feel so much better seeing everyones replies thank you. I do not have time right now to address the questions and concerns but I will.. promise. A few quick things though to give more consideration. No H hasnt been seeing her since 2008. They began talking again about 6 mo ago. She is married as well w/ kids and GC . He wasnt seeing her often before when we were together and maybe seen her once since seperation. He told me yesterday its been 2 months and im pretty positive that is acurate just because I know what hes been upto because ive seen him on weekends and he would need to travel as she is out of town . Thank god. I also told him that if he wanted me to give up on us and move on that he could be honest with me , that I am a much stronger person than before and he said he wasnt ready to make that decision right now. I am content knowing that for now he isnt saying hes completely over me. I have hope. I did tell him he runs a risk of waiting too long that I may not want him back later on. It does depend on what happens in the future.. I will adress more later today .. getting a life tonight so depends on my arrival time back home. Haha... thank you all again.. I really appreciate your time questions and suggetsions even tho I had to throw a fit to get some.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
What are subscriptions and cookies? And when someone reccomends you read a thread or someone elses posts whats the best way to find them?
Cookies = Expiring (deleting) the cookies set in your browser by this board may be useful if you suspect that they are damaged or the board is malfunctioning for you.
Expiring these cookies will do NO harm, but it will log you out of the board. Once you log in and start using the board again, new cookies will be set automatically.
My suggestion is leave them alone.
Subscriptions = I am not sure they are used on this forum, as we use UBB software they are listed by the forum software and maybe other UBB forums have a use for them. Some places have pay area's to access certain information.
Bt13 and others agian thank you.. Bt asked about H unhappiness.. I think there maybe some depression\mlc going on. His job is very stressful he has high profile job and serious responsibility with current job and it has been just over 2 yrs .. so some adjusting still. We never fought .. prided ourselves with that however we also werent communication our needs wishes and wants well at all. Over the last 4 mo of dealing with this that has gooten way better. We had only touched the surfaces but never really got to nitty gritty .. I know for me I held grdges and resent ment. I would express that I wanted to feel like I wanted to have SR with him and that would make him mad. I wasnt saying that what I needed was more loving support.. flirting.. dating and such for the closeness that was missing for me. I didnt realize that for men that was their way of wanting closeness and intimacy .. so we both wanted the same things just not expressing things in the right way. That is something I am working on is better communication and saying how I feel not holding things in. Not that there is a lot of R talking happening currently but if something were to arise I know honesty is best good bad or otherwise. There are other stresses in our lives as well.. we have D23 with a child unmarried with a loser of a boyfriend so we have helped them financially and emotionally.. We have D21 that has a drug addiction... very very stressful... thankfully she is doing well and is in recovery a much improved sit there. Thankfully S20 went off to college.. only financial stress and the loss of having such a great young man around as one of our positives.. I wonder if maybe that was a big loss for my H too as we were very active with all of his sports in hs and then there were none. My mother is elderly and in last year had major stomach surgery broke her hip and needed to be moved from home to NH.. very stressful for me..H not too supportive of my situation. H brother is an addict living with his mother w/ a son following in his footsteps and is not in our lives really . So no brotherly support or friendship. H mom babys the brother and this causes friction. Both B and N have been in the news wth arrests and serious car accidents in last 4 mo my H is chief of police.. So id say weve had our fair share of stressful situations that have definetely added to our current sit. Im not sure how much he believes these have contributed but I think he agrees some. I also know that H has not been motivated in the last year to do hoobies.. exercise or go out much with our friends. Depression /mlc more than likely and I have been reading the threads . I am also reading DR. When I looked at all things combined A , stress level , his unhappiness I had to agree that his leaving prob would be a good thing for him mentally and that I hoped he would be able to enjoy and make good use of his time away.. where ever that leads us. H has no tv or internet only his iphone.. I suggested he write a book. Haha Im sorry for such a long post but felt it necessary to share more per some suggestions above. I havent even got 1/2 way through the other ones. More to come. Thanks all.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
