Yeah too late, I caved in the first 20 minutes was "light convo" turned into convo about her EA turned PA. Fun times to talk about that. Luckily I didn't turn into some blubbering mess and didn't start pointing out our relation good parts...etc
I just listened asked her qustions and she wanted to talk about a plan going forward. I told her her I'm not moving out and I dont want to sell the house yet, I'm fixing it right now and maybe later I will. I thought it was best for our kids if they at least had one constant in their lives. She thought it was best if he stayed in the hosue with the kids. I told her I'm not moving out I'm not the one with the A and I'm not the one who wants to leave the marriage. She made a comment about maybe she would just leave on her own then to which I had no reply.
So Not the best way to have spent my 1.5 hours last night but she just wouldn't let it go and wanted to be able to get some crap off her chest I guess, really nothing she said wasn't something I had either found evidence about or already guessed was true.
So now...what next? I get back home tonight, do I just keep doing the rules? until she moves herself out?
Oh and I made 0 demands of anything really, didn't say she had to stop her A didn't say any of that told her if she still wnated to D we could get it done quickly.
Yesterday was odd, she called while I was still doign Army duty complaining about some of her medical condition stuff. I was distant which she sensed and asked me if she shouldn't call me about that anymore I told her I don't know I don't want her to be suffering. So we talked for a little bit about that. Once I got home I took a little nap and then took the kids to see the new mission impossible movie. Thigns with her were back to "normal-ish" like post me leaving. I'm still following the rules and still trying to focus on myself and the kids.
This morning she made some comment about "why aren't you crying anymore?" and "dont change just because I wanted you to change" I just replied "I didn't"
I think she is just super confused why I didn't come home raising hell or being upset on the phone...etc
Right now I'm living my life like I want to, find me again before becoming her caregiver.
It sounds like your W is checking to see if you still love her. Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of detaching. And I believe you may be in shock. I went through many periods during and after where I believed I was fine, only to end up a mess periodically. It is ok, and you're blessed with a clear head right now. Perhaps an angry one, but clear. The anger says your values are deeply violated, and is a nice defense against more hurt right now. The emotions rolling in afterward, when there is no more drama to deal with, are the hardest.
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to draw her back or not? If you don't know, that's ok, too. When in doubt, do nothing different!
Being detached by itself may not be enough to draw a spouse back, it is that, with a combination of attraction and hope she will feel for you.
I was able to draw my WH/STBX back through a lot of the DR method, and I sometimes wish I hadn't. But it was detachment/opening my heart to validate and empathize after he'd had some space, while striking a balance of dignity and 'I'll be ok without you' attitude. The last thing I said to him before he put his ring back on was that I understood he did what he felt he had to, I understood why, and all that was in my power was to do what I could for me and our M. That I'd be at peace either way. With that kind of acceptance and compassion, he seemed to find hope we weren't adversaries and things could work out. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the abuse I'd been under for years, the increased compassion and empathy during piecing alternately inspired him to also try or walk all over me like a doormat without my reactive anger in place. Maybe he just used me and never actually came back to piece, but I'll never know.
I was a caretaker for my WH, post accident. On oxy. Your thread stuck out to me for this reason. Arguably my STBX had borderline personality issues since the beginning with a volatile defensive/aggressive temper, aimlessness, unemployment, suicidal and depressed feelings, theatrical, unpredictable moods, irrationality...I loved him dearly and am still exploring my need to fix, teach and save him. It was his decision to push me away and tell himself outrageous lies about how I was an enemy that didn't care about him. It is your W's decision, and I hope you find steady peace knowing you can only do so much and you are doing it!
With the DR method, as Sandi points out, they come charging like bulls when you seem balanced.
It is hard to be a peace when you know you are on the other end of needless destruction, and I understand how hard this must be after all you've tried to be for her and your family. Thoughts that have brought me peace:
- There is nothing you can do and nothing you did do to cause her to think and feel how she does. Her choices, her issues. Doesn't mean you're perfect, but you're still here trying, and that is all any healthy relationship can ask for.
- Spouse is a separate person with a right to live their life however they choose, to love us or not. What they do is not our business. Vows don't mean anything to them anymore, not part of their current value system. This is their choice. Doesn't mean you're not worthy of being loved, or that you lost their love because of who you failed to be - love takes work and it is their choice to sustain or give up.
- It is ok to hurt. The hurt itself doesn't mean that the past is worth returning to, was good for you, or that the pain will go away with reconciliation. A whole tube of toothpaste, once squeezed out, doesn't go back in. Grieve and hurt however you need to, be kind and loving to yourself. Your best way forward is rational and detached, not reactive to the emotions and pain.
Wishing you strength.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Nothing spooks them more than when you act 'normally'. It means they are losing control of the situation. They want you to be in torment; a brutal mess of snot and tears, begging and pleading for them to return. Hey, we've all done it, no shame here, but when you start to get stronger, realising that the WAS leaving isn't going to kill you, standing up to them, they don't like it. Good man - keep going!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
It sounds like your W is checking to see if you still love her. Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of detaching. And I believe you may be in shock. I went through many periods during and after where I believed I was fine, only to end up a mess periodically. It is ok, and you're blessed with a clear head right now. Perhaps an angry one, but clear. The anger says your values are deeply violated, and is a nice defense against more hurt right now. The emotions rolling in afterward, when there is no more drama to deal with, are the hardest.
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to draw her back or not? If you don't know, that's ok, too. When in doubt, do nothing different!
Thanks I think I have been in shock for a while and I don't know if I want to draw her back or not but I'm sick and tired of her popping my balloon every time she pleased. I have 5 more coaching sessions and hopefully by the end of that I'll know better.
Quote:
- There is nothing you can do and nothing you did do to cause her to think and feel how she does. Her choices, her issues. Doesn't mean you're perfect, but you're still here trying, and that is all any healthy relationship can ask for.
Exactly...someone in a caregiving support group told me "not my circus not my monkey"
Quote:
- Spouse is a separate person with a right to live their life however they choose, to love us or not. What they do is not our business. Vows don't mean anything to them anymore, not part of their current value system. This is their choice. Doesn't mean you're not worthy of being loved, or that you lost their love because of who you failed to be - love takes work and it is their choice to sustain or give up.
I keep hearing this and one the one hand I agree on the other hand it makes me so mad at her that she gave me up on us. "love is a choice"
Quote:
- It is ok to hurt. The hurt itself doesn't mean that the past is worth returning to, was good for you, or that the pain will go away with reconciliation. A whole tube of toothpaste, once squeezed out, doesn't go back in. Grieve and hurt however you need to, be kind and loving to yourself. Your best way forward is rational and detached, not reactive to the emotions and pain.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry that you pulling your husband back just resulted in more pain. I'm going to go take a look at your thread now.
Nothing spooks them more than when you act 'normally'. It means they are losing control of the situation. They want you to be in torment; a brutal mess of snot and tears, begging and pleading for them to return. Hey, we've all done it, no shame here, but when you start to get stronger, realising that the WAS leaving isn't going to kill you, standing up to them, they don't like it. Good man - keep going!
Yesterday, my mind was all over the place during the day but I ignored her most of the day and what do you know. Texting and calling several times. I just told her I was in a meeting when I finally responded. (Should I not even justify myself?)
When I got home from work I was upset but nothing to do with her, got some bad news about a potential new job which I was really looking forward to. I wanted alone time but then it turned into her trying to talk to me time about my being upset.
This turned into a discussion about "us" after she found a letter she had written me many years ago on the floor on my side of the bed. She asked me why I read it...etc So I did...laid most of it out being very factual and non-emotional. A few comments she made at the end was like "oif we tried again it would just fail again" I told her I don't want to salvage our old relationship that is what got us to this point to begin with I want to start a new relationship with who we are now. I don't want to throw away our history but I don't want to repeat it. Not really sure how she felt about this last thing because we got interrupted by some company but we were talking for a good..almost 2 hours with little negativity...etc. She did ask me why I would even still want her.
Today she called and also sent a text telling me she'd like to talk if I had time. I waited a bit and tried to collect my thoughts trying to prepare myself for some onslaught or something. Surprisingly it seemed like she really just wanted to talk?
Goals right now: 1. Do not get hopes up, things can change as quick as a blink! 2. Stay detached 3. Work on myself still, work on knowing myself better work on getting out and improving myself 4. Be there for my kids.
Nope, you don't have to answer to her for your actions.
Quote:
I wanted alone time but then it turned into her trying to talk to me time about my being upset.
From now on, find somewhere else to go before going home, until you are not upset.
Quote:
This turned into a discussion about "us" after she found a letter she had written me many years ago on the floor on my side of the bed.
Some of these things could be headed off at the pass, if you know what I mean. Stop being pulled into these R talks. Stop explaining yourself. Let her think whatever.....b/c she will anyway. She is just setting traps.
Quote:
She did ask me why I would even still want her.
Script!
Quote:
Goals right now: 1. Do not get hopes up, things can change as quick as a blink! 2. Stay detached 3. Work on myself still, work on knowing myself better work on getting out and improving myself 4. Be there for my kids.
Good goals. Now, how do you plan to achieve them?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Talked with a coach today that really helped, she encouraged me to keep doing what I am doing as she seemed pleased at what progress was being made.
Things I need to do:
1. Get out of my own head, when I feel like obsessing aobut the A write it all down for 5-15 minutes but dont beat myself up too badly about it 2. Continue self-growth, pick one small thing, do it record feelings about it at the end of the day and repeat. 3. Stay detached even though things may seem up. But not too detached.
