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Ripe,

I remember IC telling me how uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed would be for both of us. This was after I stood up to W, and things went in a different direction with the bed arrangement. Hope you can figure out a way to get a good nights rest.

Its also great your taking up more of the father role with your children, just make sure its not too firm/strict. You want to be in the middle and not too far one way or the other.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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I am feeling a bit down, so I need to acknowledge where I am right now.
Since I started DB'ing, what have my short term goals been (in chronological way)?
That:
- My W talks to me in an non aggressive way - check.
- My W smiles at me in a warm way - check
- My W comes with me and the kids in family trips - check
- My W and I share some moments together, like watching a TV series or meditating together - check
- My W touches me in non-sexual way outside the bed - check
- My W and I sleep on the same bed - check
- My W and I have small talk in the bed - check
- My W touches me in non-sexual way in the bed - check


Non achieved goals:
That:
- My W calls me on the phone to talk about anything other than the kids when I have to stay way for work.

Unexpected achievements:
My W has called me twice by my affectionate nickname.

The biggest surprise has been the fact that for the last week my W does not retract when turning in bed. Before she would immediatly move her foot, knee or arm away, which made me feel like having a contageous desease. Now she just keeps the foot or knee there, slightly touching me. I never though that a knee could turn on a man so powerfully!

She seems to be in a nice place.
Might it be that she has everything she wishes: all the space and distance she wants, in a month the divorce and at the same time a loving father for her kids? Is this all she wants from me?


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
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How can you call them your goals when they all are about what your W does? Your goals should be based on you and what you will do. You can't control her actions, so why make goals about them?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi, thank you so much for stopping by.
Maybe I explained myself poorly.
What I meant by goals were, as MWD puts it in chapter 3 of DR, behavioural signs that changes are happening.
'If my W starts to believe our marriage is salvageable, what will she start doing differently?'
The goals were action-oriented and small ones.
And from this perspective I can say I definitely see some improvement.
Does this make sense or have I understood everything in a wrong way?

Last edited by Ripe; 05/12/15 08:20 PM.

Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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Hello All.
I haven't posted for a while.
I felt a bit down and coming here just reminded me of my situation.
Then, a lot happened in a short period of time.
Very briefly, there is a chance that we can enter in peacing mode.
But right now, I would request your help:
I need a good book on depression, but one that instructs the partner of the depressed person on how to interact and deal with the latter and, if possible, help her.
Would appreciate if anyone had any suggestion.
Thanks,
Ripe


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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What happened?

This book you want, is it for you to help her with her depression or help her with your depression?

DR goes into some depression techniques, but I wouldn't give that book to her if that's what you're planning.

Last edited by Fogg; 06/09/15 05:13 PM.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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How are things ripe? Wish you would post more often so you can get more support for your sitch. Hope things are going better.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Well, here I am once more. Who would say?!
And I feel ashamed, very ashamed, to come back.
It feels as when things started to get better I immediately abandoned this forum, only to return now that things went south again.
I feel really selfish, but I realized that coming here every single day constantly reminded my of my suffering and that I was only trying to ease or forget that suffering.

Fogg, only now I see that you came to see me.
I cannot express how warm that makes me feel.
Thank you.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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A short summary.

I have been married for 12 years, together for 15 years.

Two kids, aged 9 and 6.

My family lived in a small island, where I felt like living in Paradise. My wife has born there, but she could only imagine the day we would leave for the mainland.

As I would typically do, I dragged the issue, avoided it and postponed discussing the problem. Until it eventually became a tangible barrier between my wife and me. We starting growing apart, each one taking care of its own business. I didn’t have the physical contact I wanted and needed, she didn’t have the meaningful conversations the absolutely needed.

One day, four years ago, I got a job in an international organization, requested unpaid leave and came to work in a foreign country.

Five months later, my wife and kids joined me. My wife also requested unpaid leave.

Sometime later, my wife told me she had done that as a way to try and save the marriage, as she felt it condemned if we would have stayed living far from each other. She has ever since been miserable for not working and having become a house wife.

Life lingered for two more years, not having improved a bit: each one of us, especially me, would be doing the same stuff. For not having the sex I needed I stopped initiating any contact until we stopped having sex at all.

Then, in June 2014 my wife dropped the bomb.

She would be one more year in this foreign land for the kids’ sake and their school year, but in June 2015 she would go home. She wanted the divorce.

I begged and cried.

In December 2014 she had a psychotic event. She had been depressed for a long time and, when this event happened, she was not herself for an entire week of allucinations.

We went to our homeland for Christmas and she was treated by a Psychiatrist. She started taking pills daily.

After Christmas I came back with my kids. My wife stayed with her parents for one more month.

When she joined us, she announced her firm intention of divorcing me after June 2015, that is, after the end of the school year.

From January till June 2015 I applied DB rules and technics to the best of my knowledge.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
R
Ripe Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
I received help from this forum and saw steady improvements. My wife’s coldness towards me started melting. We started having long talks while in the bedroom.

25th of May, a Monday, we talked about the upcoming divorce and all the related issues: kids alimony, splitting the assets, etc. We would sign the divorce papers as soon as we would get back to our home country to spend the summer holidays.

Two days later the day was cold. During the night, five minutes after going to bed, my wife put her feet next to mine to warm herself. We were talking about nothing. I took the chance and held her in my arms. She kept talking as if nothing had happened. This was our first contact in bed since, at least, November 2014.

The day after I did not sleep home because of my job.

The following day, when in bed, I held my wife again. This time she asked about my intentions. I told her I wanted my marriage back. She did not show any openness. She said it was too late, she felt nothing for me except friendship.

Saturday, we talked again during the night. She said she did not know what to do after the conversation of 25th May.

She told me she had had two affairs, one EA five years ago and a almost-PA some months ago. She explained it had been the marital crisis the cause of the affairs and not the opposite. She added she was a free spirit and had always felt the need to connect with similar spirits and that our marriage was non-existing at those times.

June 3rd we kissed, we held each other and slept that way.

June 11th we had physical intimacy but did not ML. This happened several times after.

She said she would give us a chance and stay abroad for one more year. She decided to renew her unpaid leave until August 2016, which she did later.

June 19th we went out for dinner with another couple. My W smoke in front of me. I already knew she had been smoking a cigarette from time to time, but this was the first time she did it in front of me. I need to explain. When we met my W smoked. Some months later she stopped because of me, as she knew my hatred for everything smoke related due to some lung cancer cases in my family. This was the first time I say my W smoking after that, although in late 2014, when kissing her, I once noticed she had been smoking.

June 23rd I said I wanted to ML to her. She said she was not ready.

We were at the beach and went for the first time to a nudist beach with the kids.

June 25th we ML for the first time in 18 months. After, she started crying saying that when things get broken they cannot be ever again glued to their original state.

June 26th we ML again. She enjoyed it.

We ML two more times after that.

July 2nd she asked me if I had already told my family that we were “on stand by”.

July 4th my W and kids flew home for the summer vacations in our homeland. I am supposed to join then in the end of August, so that we can return back all together.

At this time I was feeling great. ML had been an important sign and my W was aware of how important it was for me. I was being totally open to her and would talk for hours about my feelings. I had my wife and marriage back again and the peacing was going well. I knew we still had a lot of hard work to do and that the road ahead of us would not be easy, but the reconciliation was happening.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
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