Another question. I dont' want to read anything into this that is why I am asking professionals.
When H first left, he did not see the kids regularly except dd15 because OW had her claws in her so she thought everything was better there until...Anyways. H went 6 weeks or more without seeing them, asking about them, talking to them, anything. (I have a calender that I keep track of all of this). He would acknowledge them only if they made first contact. When he did come over, OW was non stop blowing up his phone, pissing him off to the point I would say something innocent and he would leave. He wouldn't stay 20 minutes if that. If the kids called OW was in the background as loud as she could to get his attention.
Fast forward to now. He comes over once a week to see the kids. He is here a minimum of 1.5 hours. OW has put the rule down that when he is here he is not to talk to her and she does not talk to him. She does not approve this "family time or playing house" as she calls it. He is more willing to help and do things for the kids. He has started to ask me how the kids are doing and whats happening with them (Never did that before).
Another odd change. Before he left he used to get furious if he was TM"ing on his phone or on the computer and I was anywhere near him. After he left, whenever he was around and he picked up his phone and I was near, I moved away from him, went to another room, whatever. Now if I do that he tells me to relax and not worry about it. He said that it bothers him that I do that.
Like I said I don't want to read anything into this. These are all "complaints" I have expressed to him on several occassions and always got blown off. Kind of like now his actions are meeting his words?
Last edited by little1; 08/02/1502:18 AM.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
Little, no one here is a professional on the board, we are all posters like you. Sandi, MrBond, Wonka, Starsky and many others are vets (very experienced posters) and like you I am a newcomer and have several months experience of DB. It is a peer to peer board, more experienced posters help less experienced posters.
Each one has their own views and abilities, for example I have no experience of MLC or Piecing so don't post on those issues. Abuse sadly is something I do have experience on and I have fostered children, had losses and illness and a very wayward husband who has compulsions, so those areas I feel good to post on.
Yes detaching is a major tool which will help you manage how you feel about H.
So what is detaching? Firstly it isn't unattaching. You can still stand for your M and your WH. It is about doing that which works for YOU and letting go of the outcome. It's is DBing for yourself irrespective of the result on WH. Please do what is required for yourself and your children and not because it has an effect on WH.
The Triangulation is not the affair, it is in my opinion the dynamic of this particular affair, not all affairs are triangulation. Most As are secretive and the WS tries to separate the OP from the spouse. This type of interaction is specific to certain As where the S has the OM or OW involved emotionally with the S and visa versa. A cruel dynamic. My WH always kept his liaisons secret. Triangulation is where there are three people interacting, in my case my WH kept his A secret so there was no triangle, I never interacted with is OWs. I trust this explains further.
Your WH has chosen this OW over his family and his W. That is the choice he made. Whatever the dynamic between them is it works for them. It's good to know that is how it is, but it isn't your sandpit. You have your own sandpit. Detach let them get on with their R. Think "WH don't bring your shoddy affair here to me, I don't want to know about it".
WH has his own R with each of his children let them work it through, you have no control over WH. It would be usual for a WH to see his children out of the house. Can you be completely absent when WH is with the children?
It's none of WH business what you do because at the moment he has sacked you as his W; although he is trying to hold on to you as well as having his OP. WH is having his cake and eating it, you could be strung along like this for a very long time. By detaching from what WH does you will regain control over your life. Make your own choices irrespective of WH views. For example if you want to stay on your computer whilst WH visits with the children you can do that because you chose it. In doing that you are detatching (doing that which works for you) irrespective of the outcome. You do this for you because it is best for you. When you interact with WH you do so because it works for you, and in ways which help you, not because it interferes with OW.
Whatever you do will annoy and irritate OW, just being you and the cheated spouse is enough. Being on the planet is enough to irritate. Not your concern, detatching from it, then you are not reacting to OW as she is reacting to you. Do a 180, forget OW as much as you can do. if it helps give her a name for your personal use only in your mind, a private name. On the board I have seen OWs called The Duck, the scuzzy, the Fishwife (mine), Ratbag, Pond Scum, Grubber and Nasty Piece. Yours might be the Mouth! It may help you detach but is for your use not to be shared with your children or WH.
Your WH behaviour is partly to keep you hooked as you pull away he chases as soon as you draw closer he pulls away. The more you detatch the more he chases, he has too because you are detaching. The less mind space you give OW and his A then the less the washing machine mind. You might say to yourself "WH you left your W and children, we are entitled to better than that. Until you behave decently there is no space in my thoughts for your behaviour"
You say that you are spending a great deal of thinking time and energy on your WH and his R with OW, energy you need for you. Trying to figure out why he does what he does or says what he says, I doubt you ever will know, it makes sense to him but his brains are scrambled eggs whilst he is addicted to OW. If it wasn't this OW likely another one. Do what works for you. Detaching will help you. You can still stand for your M. Attach to yourself instead of analysing and concerning yourself with your WH. Using your thoughts time and energy means less of those for you and is not detaching.
Be like the brave horse free to run, gallop as he chooses rather than being reined to a trainer. Be you attached to you, doing what you want for you. Detach from the rein of WH actions, you can still stand, like the brave horse who chooses his field to graze.the brave horse makes a choice.
One poster here found the image of a cat useful. The cat comes and goes and chooses its home. It stays where it is happy and well fed. Cats don't go for walks like dogs. Be like the cat, independent making your own choices for you and your children. Detach, I strongly recommend it.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1507:53 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Little, I think that is an excellent post from V. Please read, re-read and read that one again. And if you make your own plans based on her advice, I don't think you can go too far wrong. It takes courage to face the fear that you will drive him further away. But truth is, he couldn't be much further away anyway - so what do you have to lose??
Good luck my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
When I said professionals, I didn't mean like with degrees, so I chose the wrong word completely and I do apologize.
V--Thank you for taking the time to explain things so I understand them. Sometimes it takes me a bit.
Toots--I actually screen shot all of V's posts so that I can read and reread them when I need the strength.
Work on detatching. Alot more. Put Mouth! (OW) out of my head. I did it once I can do it again. I saw one person on here said he gives himself a certain amount of time a day (10 mins I think) to think about his sitch. I think I will do that. It is time for me. I do stand for my marriage and I so fearful I will drive him away but that's the chance I am willing to take for me.
I have stopped running interference between him and the children. That is his problem o deal with and fix, not mine. If he cant handle what the children say to him then too bad.
For this week and next I have a 3 day weekend each week. That will give me time to get my head clear, my meds going, and my GAL working. I know I need Me time, but I am spending as much time as I can with my kids. I really think I like the idea of the flower gardens. Dd18 is not an outdoorsy person so she and I spend time cooking.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
Little There is no need to apologise dear one, the first two paragraphs were more by way of explanation. Sometimes I explain for my own clarity too and also casual lurkers may misinterpret so often it's a question of reviewing for my own sake. Your thread is active on issues which concern a few posters, lurkers and visitors. I think this important to know, what we discuss may affect others.
You are inquisitive seeking answers which is absolutely the way to be. Clarity and knowledge will help your inner self guide you. I suspect you are seeking answers that many others are silently questioning. It is a very powerful thing for yourself. That is why your posts are attracting responses. It's a very good thing.
Have you read Pink or Mustardseeds thread yet? There are some excellent interchanges on both. Zelda has some insightful posts too, as she felt her sitch was in piecing. You are welcome to visit my thread and say Hi. You can also travel to others threads to ask questions too.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/1512:35 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi everyone. Just checking in. Not much going on. My ad's are starting to take affect which has been really helpful in keeping my mind out of washer machine mode.
I will post more .tomorrow
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
Little, the quiet times are when we reflect and grow, they are always worth you reviewing. They are as important if not more so than the frantic stuff.
Very important musing, reflecting and relaxing time. The time in which we can do our greatest healing. They ate often the spaces here on the board that we can go deepest into ourselves and have the most informative feedback. So in these times it's important to be your most authentic self.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/1501:48 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well the last couple of days I have just been letting my mind rest. I have come to realize that my marriage as I know it is over. I am not giving up or losing hope but I am slowly letting go. I know I have a long way to go yet but I know it will get easier.
Itd drives me nuts to hear how he bought all this stuff and they are going on all these trips yet me and my children can't do anything due to lack of money. But I have learned to smile and tell him good for him. I know I am starting from scratch and there will be bumps in the road but I will fight my way up those bumps.
I have been reading andrereading the replies on my post and I find great comfort in them. Thank you.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
I do have a question regarding the types of affairs you posted a few pages back. I was looking at it and I was wondering something. I knew about this affair from the start. I made some mistakes regarding that and I accept them.
The scallywag texted him constantly. Literally the only time she didn't was when he was asleep. At one point Itasked him to tell her to back off, he did, she didn't. It got so bad that I asked him to split up with her to give us a chance. (he left the next morning).
Here's my question. She was/is that pushy. Will that play a factor in their downfall?
I know it's probablys omethimg I shouldn't be thinking about. It is one of those that popped into my head
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
