Thanks Deja, Bea and Jim. Bea, that's very interesting about your H wanting a daughter. Must have knocked you sideways that one! It's certainly helping me to see how many others have had a similar experience with MLCers wanting children. Ugh, being born to a MLCer at the most selfish time in their lives - not a good start! Deja and Jim, thanks for your kind words too. Jim, I agree about the empty and lonely comments - just looking for something to fill the void. It must be a horrible feeling.
Well, I had a nice weekend - nothing exciting to report - just busy and pleasant. I'm off work this week, and tomorrow I'm setting off on a little trip with a friend to the North of England. Now, I'm excited to be going away because BD and S meant I missed our holiday last year, and I'm still getting into the groove of 'single' holidays. My friend has a lovely S7, so I'm hoping we'll get some sunshine and fun time on the beach. This may be optimistic in the UK, but a girl can dream can't she? My friend just texted 'bring your wellies - It's pouring down here.'
Feeling pretty calm & balanced within myself. Had a little phase of worrying more about my sitch and struggling to get off to sleep, but that seems to have settled down now. As per usual in my sitch, I don't know where things are up to with H. I have been dark for a couple of weeks, since I gave him some unreasonable behaviour grounds in order to file.
I know he is away for a couple of weeks from early August, so whether he gets organised or updates me before then - we'll see. I haven't been worrying hugely about it, but it has been on my mind. I realised I was EXPECTING to hear from him before he goes away. But, I'm letting that go. I may hear, I may not. It doesn't really matter either way.
Other than that, I accepted the next invite from my social group - a llama trek in August...looking forward to that one. If I'm MIA for a few days, don't worry about me. I'm not sure about the WIFI situation where I'm going, and may take a little break from posting anyway. Best wishes to you all xx
Last edited by Toots; 07/27/1508:18 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Last year my MLCer also told me he wanted another child. I did not yet recognize that he was in MLC when he asked.
My H did not really enjoy the baby/toddler years. He is much better with older kids. I think he wanted another child to distract himself from all he was going through at the time. I think they grasp at any band-aid they can find.
I live with my MLCer and I am learning to try really hard not to think too much about what he says he wants. It changes with the wind. He has no clue what he wants. And, he has no clue that he has no clue.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi RD, yes I'm away at the moment & have been pretty busy - but do have WiFi! Had a lovely couple of days with my friend and her S7. Been on the beach, to a castle, out for dinner, out for walks. Hopefully a boat trip tomorrow and then travelling back on Friday.
Will post more of an update then, but thanks for checking in xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Had a great little trip with my friend and her S. We crammed a lot of things into a few days, and it was such good fun. Nice to be away, have a change of scene and be busy & not thinking of my sitch. Just got back this evening after a looong drive, where I got held up on the motorway - it's good to get home again.
I was reading U-turn's thread today. He was debating his decision to file and why he hadn't done so thus far. Part of that was about it all 'being on the WAS' - they left, they filed etc. He was questioning his motivation and I must admit I do the same. Part of me just doesn't want H to be able to say I decided to file - as though the whole thing was almost a mutual decision. Part of me is also just stubborn, and part of me still hopes something might be salvaged. I'm going to see what happens in the next couple of months, and then I think I may be at the point where I will need to think about filing myself, just in order to get financials resolved.
H and I haven't had any contact for a few weeks now. Not since I sent him some suggested grounds to use for filing, and we had quite a pleasant/positive exchange. I'm still a bit twitchy that he will just go off on his trip with no update and no action - but I just try not to worry about that, and I'll decide what I'm going to do when I'm ready.
On the plus side, I never would have taken this nice trip with my friend and her S had H and I still been together - and we did have a great time. Also, when I was away, GAL dates were rolling in from various people and I didn't have my diary with me. I'll need to get the bookings in ASAP - don't want to miss out!
Have a good Friday evening everyone xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I recall getting to this point. Truth is ... was not so much I thought there was a chance for my M, I did not see reconciliation as an option at all to be very honest. For me there was the fact I would not allow her to bait me into filing, if she wanted out then by all means ... I even was set to gain financially if we did ever D I would have been FAR better off.
Truth is I asked myself .. would my life change? No ... I mean yeah I would be 'free and have some extra cash .. but not enough to really amount to anything. And with the religous side ... I opted to just trust things would be more clear later.
In U-turns case .. I think his W would be more than happy to fake the M and the family scene to save face .. her OM is married and has the happy FB front for all to see ... U is stuck and there is really no option left for him at this point, they never separated, so he can not really even go NC/dark/dim ... truly stuck and I think this is really his last move, and he is doing it for him, not for a reaction .. took some time to get there.
For you ... what does D provide? I was not even ready to date so I just seen no purpose .. M or D I went about my days the same.
I'm so happy you had some fun and enjoyed yourself during this so deserved vacation.
Toots on the filling issue, I think that at some point it's not about what your H wants or don't or what he does or doesn't.
It's about you and your priorities. Like Cali's comments. During this journey we have been learning to be a better person and to respect ourselves.
So you do what make sense for you and you alone. In my case I filed to protect assets, my kids and myself financially and I am very glad I did.
My XH is in a bigger mess he was before and I think he may have a long way to get to his perfect life he was dreaming about.
My life is not perfect, but I gathered myself together and I have been able to move forward and stand in solid ground.
I really didn't gave a dime for the fact that he asked for the D or not. At some point was only about my life.
Now. It is also that I believe that D is not the end of a R. I have been told about a number of couples that did the whole D and after some time decided to get back togheter. I was just yesterday with my bank manager and she was telling me about her aunt that did the whole D, sold house, spent a fortune with lawyers and after two months of the final deed, they decide to star all over again.
So who knows... my point is that whatever decision you take, do it thinking only about yourself. You H is sick, living in some dream world right now. He can't stand even for his own decision to D you.
Why? Because he is an idiot putting titles to his insecurities and fears and is very afraid to face himself and his own life and get some help to put things straight and in a good health prrspective.
He did many mistakes and is not able to bend his pride and admit it to himself and all the other people he is hurting in a way.
You are a strong and honest person. If it gets to the point and when it gets there that Toots had enough and thinks that it is in her best interest to D. Then she will stand tall and say... this is what I want and I am doing it for myself.
Now I see that my XH did not think I would serve him. He tough he could have it his way, separated and living his single life with me doing the heavy lift. Now he is tasting his own making and it has been very bitter for him.
His fantasy of a fantastic life have been awaken with a devastation left from the D. By my side, I had worse days and I am getting to a more peaceful time with myself and my life.
Think about yourself and you will know in your heart when you had enough and don't want to live in limbo land no more.
I love you and wish the best for you. Will you file or not, it's only when you decide thinking only about yourself and we will be here to support you one way or the other.
Probably today you will be hugging mum and dad too, do give one hug for me.
Cali and Pink, thanks so much for stopping by, and for your wise words. Cali, you are right and I guess the only difference is financial for me....more below on that. Pink, in your shoes, I think I would have filed for D too. Having kids in the mix makes a big difference, and I think their security is a prime concern. For me, I only have me to worry about!!
I guess right now, I like the option of remaining open to any and all options as I just read on Gwen's thread in MLC. In truth, I simply cannot imagine being with H again. Cannot imagine it at all. But in the face of little or no encouragement from him, and his recent destructive choices, I guess it isn't surprising to feel that way.
Next week it will be a whole year since he and I have seen each other and we have only spoken half a dozen times by phone since then too. There is a great deal of distance there. And ours is a weird situation where the M didn't slowly degenerate and become unhappy (although I can see in hindsight we had some significant issues, which I didn't realise at the time.) But in the main, we had a loving M right up to BD.
The financials are a ticking clock situation. If I owned a property outright, I would be comfortable with my current working arrangements and earnings. But paying rent means my salary doesn't cover all my living costs, so I'm dipping into savings - which is fine, and I'm lucky to have them to dip into! But, they are finite and will run out in a year or so. At which point, I need either some kind of � settlement with H or to increase my earnings. I'm not going to make a big decision just now, but I'm conscious that the point is coming where I will need to take control if nothing is happening.
Anyway - on to nicer things. I had a fun few hours at the charity bookstore yesterday, then was invited out to dinner with some friends and had a nice time. In the meantime, I got an invite from another friend, which I had to turn down! I then had texts going to and fro with another few people to try and get dates in the calendar. GAL has taken on a life of it's own just lately, and it's a juggling act - I'm not complaining at all!!
Hope my lovely DB friends are having a good weekend xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots, I am not an advocate of divorce, at all, but dealing with a MLCer is tricky, and in some ways the earlier the financials are settled, and signed off, the better (if you can do this without a divorce, well and good)
In most cases I have seen, the MLCer who does not come around from crisis fairly quickly, tends to get meaner both emotionally and financially as they move deeper into crisis. Very often we discover they have spent joint money, or even hidden assets. Proving this is much easier earlier rather than later.
They may be saying one thing and doing something else!
I let things ride and very much wish I hadn't, and I suspect there are others who here who would agree.
You sound great - just continue to remember you are dealing with someone who has lost all their former sense and is not about to recover any of it soon (or ever!)
