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Zeus I agree sometimes when I look back at some of my threads I think o my how can I still be doing this! And it's only been a month or less of posting imagine what 13 years looks like! No after saying that it doesn't mean I don't want to try to save my M but I am starting (very beginning) to see that I don't want to save it if it can never be healthy! Zeus the poem is awesome! You are right he isn't physically abusive but emotionally abusive and it's causing me a lot of mental anguish! It kills me to know I understand what is going on but do not have the strength to break free! I will keep pushing forward though! Only text I sent was hi! He said hello nothing more! So I will say nothing more!


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Toots im his emotional punching bag! He obviously does not respect me and when he is angry feels he can say anything he wants! I will not say I am innocent either I have done the same thing but he will hold housing against me and tell me how he can't stand me ect!

I agree toots I probably am prolonging it as I am scared of the distance fueling the affair! I'm not sure he would care if I never talked to him again from what he says!

I do not want more of the same! I want a healthy R with him! That means I have to change and so does he! I can not force him to change but I can change me and that is where I want to focus! I explained to a friend the other day if I improve and he doesn't come with me will I really want to stay not likely! Now if I improve and he improves maybe! I just need to find the strength to move.

I deserve a he!! Of a lot more! I deserve honesty trust and true love! On the other hand I will only be treated better if I earn that! So again I need to just keep working!

I promise to keep working on me! I am sure it appears I am getting nowhere but I swear I am very slowly! I committed myself last night to really use the 10 months I am being given and really focus on me so when the time comes we can work it out or I can be comfortable leaving also! Again my goal is a healthy R with H but only if it can be healthy!


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Hi 4M, I do think you're making progress. You are posting and clearly thinking about things. Recognising some of the patterns and so on. I think the big thing to let go of is 'changing him.' And I think the big things to focus on are your own self esteem, self-respect and finding the strength you need to move forward, even though you feel fearful. You only get to control you..

It is a couple of steps forward and one back, particularly in the early days - but baby steps remember?

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Zeus you are right it is a vicious cycle and I am growing very tired of it very quickly. I am starting to wonder how much longer I can take it without just losing my mind. I have been holding on to him changing. He obviously is not willing to change so I have to change. Not for him or the relationship but for me. I need to stand up for myself in a healthy way not screaming anger. I am done being his babysitter and door mat. I honestly can not take the anger, disrespect, saddness and stress anymore. I mean it! I only talked to FIL to get him to go wake up H! I am ready to take responsibility for me and the kids only. I am ready to care for myself. Go do things I want to do and spending time doing what I want to do. It is so hard accepting reality when I know this is not who he is! He can not be living in reality! So I need to give him space to figure out what he is doing and I need to decide what is best for me and D8! thanks zeus!


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HI Toots. She did call him he did not answer so she called me and said he hadn't showed up she figured it was not me picking her up as I was not there on time and he is always late. this call came half hour after he was supposed to be there. Yes it should be his responsibility but what I am learning is he is not reliable or accountable. I feel like I should just do it all myself and let him go do as he pleases for now and just leave him out of all of it. Mom of D4 does have his number she had been calling him. I believe she more wanted confirmation on who was coming. I was luckily at work so I could not react angrily and after readiing all of this I decided to put on a happy face and say nothing! It felt very rewarding! He actually said he messed up this morning and I just said yea I know she called me. End of conversation!


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GRRRRR I wish I had a shut off button to anger. I did let lose on him tonight. He informed me he was going to have OW over to the garage even though the kids were home. I said no he was not we agreed she would not be here and it turned into a screaming match. Mostly me yelling about how we agreed and him saying she was not coming to the house just to garage and me getting madder and madder. I had to cancel my plans to stay home with HIS kids she he could go out. I informed him I am sick to death of being disrespected I am sick of being the only one to watch kids and I am just plain tired of it all. He ended up coming home without OW and staying home by then I had already cancelled my plans so we ended up home together. I would assume he told her she could not come because I am a horrible person ect but O WELL! That does not even bother me. Mind reading but he either respects me enough to listen or just does not want to fight about it. Again I feel if they cared enough about each other he would just go against me. I know I handled it horribly by screaming but I am sick of him pushing the boundaries we agreed to one of them being she could not be at the house or around the kids. I also feel better for standing up for myself though. I just need to do it in a healthier more reasonable and respectful way. He also said something to me about how he doesn't like to spend time with me because then I act crazy and possessive like we are together.

So things I learned through this situation tonight
1. I can stand my ground
2. He will fight my boundaries but did respect them this time
3. I need to be more respectful and reasonable and talk not scream.
4. I will no longer cancel my plans for him
5. I need to keep even moods so we can spend time together and not be so controlling
6. I need to stop pushing him away
7. I can control my anger and let things go
8. I did not continue the fight (180) usually I would follow him around the house continuing the argument but not worth it
9. I need to stick to boundaries of her not being here or around kids otherwise He will not take me seriously
10. I deserve respect and happiness and this is not it right now!


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Yes, as you say - managing anger sounds like an important area for you. And it would be a 180 if you are able to do this. You say that you are emotionally abused by him, but you are also emotionally abusive towards him.

Your buttons get pushed by him - not taking responsibility for example - and you react angrily - and screaming match ensues.

'I know I handled it angrily BUT I am sick of him pushing my boundaries'

Accept that your anger is your own responsibility. His 'pushing' does not justify your behaviour. You can maintain your boundaries calmly and assertively. There is no need to have a screaming match. You are right about pushing him away. Who would want to return to that?

Some of the things you are learning sound really good. I think the big test for you will be the next time your buttons get pressed. How will you react then? Perhaps some reading on managing anger in the meantime may be helpful, and you can have some simple steps you will take to avoid a screaming match. Google STABEN technique. This might be helpful for you.

And bear in mind, this work isn't just about your H. This is about you, and how you handle frustrations and disappointments in your life. It will serve you well - either with your H, or someone else.

Good luck!! Toots xx


Last edited by Toots; 08/02/15 07:47 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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toots you are right I am emotionally abusive also. Something I know I HAVE to break the cycle on! That would be a huge 180! No one would want to return exactly why I have to change it. Can you give me some ideas on how to do this calmly and assertively even when he continues pushing the issue? that is it I say it the first few times "we agreed she would not be here while I was living her and the kids were here!" His response its my house I can do what I want" My response we agreed and I am saying NO! and It keeps going in a circle. Yes I must learn anger management it is something I have been working on in IC but obvioulsy am not successful all of the time. I will say it has gotten better. My other problem with fighting is I keep score or say things like I go way out of my way for you and you can't even respect me. Or I didnt get dinner tonight because I gave you all the money (He offered to give some of it back I refused and said I would be oK I could eat at home) Or I will say I do everything I am tired of being the only one watching kids ect. Its unfair fighting. I do want to do this for my R but I more want to do this to have a healthy mental health and other healthy relationships with my children and friends. Anger takes its toll on all relationships. I also need to learn to be assertive. I obviously do not hold my own and always give in. I need to set boundaries. I guess those are things I can start working on and "googling" I will look up STABEN and see what it is. So looks like right now for this week it will be to learn about anger management! Thanks toots!


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You know, drug users often hang out with other drug users, and they like finding people that have worse problems than they do themselves. When you're doing drugs, getting fired from work for being late, losing contact with friends/family, and behind on your bills...you don't feel as bad when you surround yourself with people that are in and out of jail, robbing stores, etc. You can minimize your own problems because you're not that bad.

Same too with WAS's. In some ways it makes it easier when they act so terribly...it's easy to play the 'good guy' and be the victim, to focus on their problems, to gain sympathy, because you're not doing all of those things. That's what score keeping is all about. But here's the problem- do you want sympathy, or do you want a better life for yourself?

I suggested you read my threads from the beginning one because my STBX put me through an awful lot as well...but only after I let that go was I really able to start growing myself. Until then I figured she had to snap out of it at some point. You used the phrase earlier "It is so hard accepting reality when I know this is not who he is! He can not be living in reality!"

Guess what? This IS who he is. You're the one not living in reality if you think he's a good guy that's just having a crisis. You are 100% accountable for your situation. You put yourself there. You picked this guy. You put up with this behavior. You continue to engage. You can't point at him, he has always been like this.

I know I'm a broken record, but until you let him go, detach, drop expectations, and stop focusing on him, you won't be able to look at yourself and focus on making your life better.

I think you're frightened of being with a stable man. Maybe you feel like he wouldn't need you and no one would ever choose to want you if they weren't desperate. Maybe you feel that being with a degenerate gives you permission to avoid looking in the mirror, to avoid making changes you need to make, like "I'll put up with your crap if you put up with mine". I challenge you to step up your game and take control of yourself. It's a long road, keep going.


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Zeus a better life for sure! Just have to keep digging for the strength! I understand this is who is he NOW but this is not who he was when I met him. Heck this is not who he was when we got back together this last time. I know I can not change him I can change me and see if he comes along with the changes. He has always been like this towards the end of every R just not in the beginning. You are completely right. I have to change first and see what happens if he comes he comes if not he doesn't. I need to CHOOSE a better path not more of the same. It is very hard. Especially since I have done the same for so long. But it is becoming to much. I am realizing the more and more I post on here how horrible BOTH of us are. It is not just one of us. I can only control one of us and that is me. I have to choose to move forward and up! I'm happy to hear the broken record sometimes having things knocked into my head makes me realize the truth! I am frightened of all change and loss of what I have considered stability. I know now its not stability but it is what my past has been. I will take the challenge and start reading your thread! How long did it take you to change your thoughts? Am I going to slow? I am really trying to learn!


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