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Tad,
Everyone has given you good advice. They aren't getting married until next year and a lot could happen during the year. Your future DIL may decide a bit later on that she wants the wedding elsewhere. There have to be some inexpensive venues in your area that would do nicely...but again, it's a year away and things can change.

I know you don't want to go to your xw's house for the wedding, but you have to keep in mind, this is your son's wedding and he wants you there. If you don't go, it will put a damper on the festivities for him and his further wife and you will regret not participating in his wedding.

If, and I mean if, they do hold the wedding there, you can go, mingle w/family and friends, i.e., put in an appearance, and if you don't want to stay, then leave Nothing says you have to roll out the red carpet and kiss your xw's feet. You can be cordial, i.e., smile, nod or whatever and continue mingling.

Tad, there comes a time when we have to sometimes bite the bullet and do things that we do not want to do for the sake of our children. There are going to be a lot of different activities that will involve both you and your xw and her husband over the years to come.

Tad, anything can happen in a year. Try to keep an open mind on this matter for now. Life is too short to worry about something that is a year away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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FTR we will both be going to a wedding around the same time,
my sons is scheduled for fathers day next year too.

What a fathers day present!

I guess I am just in a different place as I don't really care what ex does as long as my kids are happy!


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Tad,
And one more thing...you are not under any obligation to have lunch w/your xh and her husband. If she wants to discuss the wedding, then she should be discussing it w/your son and his new bride to be. After all, you aren't the one that is walking the bride down the aisle.

If she wants to discuss what the expenses of the wedding, again, this should be directed to your son and his new bride to be. Now, the rehearsal dinner may be another story as the Groom's family usually takes care of that...but that's a year away and doesn't need to discussed at this time.

Tad, you've got this. Please don't allow this woman to ruin your relationship w/your son or future daughter-in-law.

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Hey Tad. You and I go back a long way, don't we? smile So, I am just going to say what I feel.

While I understand how hurtful all of this was and still is, there is no way anyone or anything would keep my from my son's wedding. Ever.

Here are some of the reasons why. I love him deeply. I want him to be happy. I want to be a part of one of the most important days in his life. It's about him. I can go on, but, you get the idea.

The other thing is this, T. You are still giving her all this power over you and your life. If I were you, I would walk into that wedding looking fine with my head held high because you have nothing to be scared of or ashamed of.

What a gift that would be to your son...to show him how to deal with life's tough stuff with dignity and strength and to show him that you are ok.

The meeting in the restaurant is not necessary, though. Forget that if you cant do it.

But the wedding, Tad...you will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me on that.

She took enough. Don't give her anymore. Not one bit more.

You can do this, my friend. Have the attitude of who cares what they are doing. Not your problem. You are there for your son who loves you and wants you there. Whatever they are doing, is on them.

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Thanks everyone.

I've given this a lot of thought and like what has already been said by some, it is still a long way off and I'm not going to worry about it now. I've got other issues to deal with at the moment like trying to get myself out of the house on my weekends and having a social life.

My "friend" at work told me to "not let her take this away" from me too. She's taken everything already.

S29 is coming over on Sunday to "discuss the wedding." I'm sure he has already told XW that I don't want to do lunch or the wedding.

It would be best for everyone if I don't do lunch. Trust me, they don't want me there. I know for a fact it wouldn't go smoothly because if we did do lunch, I will also be "clearing the air." I've got so much that I would love to say......I'd go nuts on both of them.

Going though.....I'd have to see pictures of them, all of our old furniture....it would be pretty rough.

I also wonder if XW wants it at her house just to rub things in my face. I'd bet money that she has a motive/agenda. It could also be her way of making S24 and S26 finally meet OM. So....I'm sure she has a plan.

I sure miss my little rats.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Perhaps she has a plan or maybe she just wants to be hostess. I think you are right about it being a long way off and lunch is not required. Listen to your S and be non-committed because you don't have to decide anything right now.

Hang in there.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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I know how hard MLC is and how much it hurts

But I don't know how hard it must be for you to have to see your XW and OM
because my XH is still in NC

but

I think I would want to do whats best for my children and being supportive at the wedding wherever it is will support your son, his fiancee and her family.
I would also want my kids to see and know first hand I wish X the best and work on forgiveness even if I have to fake it till I make it happen
It doesn't mean I would want to be best friends with x or his wife.
but I also don't want to be tied to them by resentment
just my thoughts..but Im sure you will make the right choice
and
I wish you the best
Peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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tad, I can only imagine the confusion in your situation.. Like you, I would be thorn. I don' t understand your son' s choice. Money should NOT be a reason for anything, in my opinion. There is more then your xw and you in this, there are his future bride' s family as well..
I' ll give you a bit of my story.. Last week, my XH took my youngest and his current woman' s daughter and visited MY sister and brother-in-law. they walked the trails that they have on their property. HX found out about my brother' s condition ( he' s dying.matter of days now ). I felt bretrayed by my sister and yet, I, myself, kept contact with my brother' s XW. am I betraying him?? Weird.. Every situation is different and the way we look at things vary from situation to situation.

I' m in a period of confusion to.. Wish I had an answer for you and me.

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Thanks Gwen, Peace and Exquisite.

The latest:

S29 informed me a couple of days ago that he is NOT getting married at XW's house after all. They've decided to have the wedding somewhere else, but still plan to have the reception at her place. So, I guess I won't be going to the reception. frown

When he told XW that I didn't want to go to the wedding at her place she actually said to him:

"I don't blame him."

"I don't blame him."

THIS actually surprised me. She actually doesn't blame me for not wanting to go. La-dee-da. Holy cow. The fact that she would even say that shocked me.

I also informed my son that I didn't want to do lunch. Actually, my exact words were: "She's sh*tting rainbows if she thinks I'm joining them for lunch." So, that isn't happening either.

They've decided on November for their wedding. I'm hoping I can convince him before then to have the reception somewhere else. Personally, I think this is XW's way of forcing my other two sons to meet the douchebag OM. It is an issue she has been pressing for years now and neither one of them have given in. We'll see....

As for me:

Still having trouble getting out of my house. I don't really have a problem with going somewhere to grab a bite to eat, but other than that, I can't seem to do anything. It is so difficult.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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I'm sorry you are not going to your son's wedding reception. That is very sad. To miss it because of your ex and OM shows how much power they still have.

"I don't blame him" was not a sympathetic musing. It's a passive aggressive "whatever". She doesn't care whether you g or not. But I can put my money on the fact the most important person in that day, YOUR SON, does care.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you need to know this will be a decision that will affect your son, his new wife. They will remember this.

I'm not speaking out of my butt either over here. I wasn't going to let my 3 year old daughter go to my ex's and OW's wedding. By the people on these boards, I was convinced to let her go four days before. I'm glad they pushed me to it, because as awfully painful it was for me, the resentment she probably would have held for putting me before her would have been a big cross to bare.

But it's your decision and if you think are making it for the right reasons I am no one to convince you otherwise.

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