The most exciting part is knowing I can save myself...that I can control my own happiness (with some help from modern medicine, of course). The hardest part is knowing it's up to me to save myself--that I have to find my own happiness.
So, Claire - how are you setting about doing that?
(Oh, and btw - on the postpartum depression - make sure you have had your thyroid checked, thyroid problems often appear postpartum and hypothyroidism is one cause of depression).
Take a poster board and make a collage of things that you want to attract to your life - whatever moves you. Put it up somewhere that you can see it every day. Then make a list of 100 (yes, 100!) things you would like to do in your lifetime. I know it's hard, just come up with 100 things, however wacky. (I did this many years ago after reading a book that suggested it - put it away and forgot about it. Found it about 12 years later - and much to my surprise, one of the items on it was "play in a band". I didn't even remember putting that on the list, didn't remember EVER wishing for that - but somehow, in the intervening time, I learned to play the drums at 53 and now I play in a punk rock cover band! So don't be afraid to put down outrageous things. )
As for finances - check out the Mr Money Mustache website, it'll give you great ideas for how to live better on a budget. Essential for saving yourself, I think.
Would it make you feel better if I tell you that periodically I get extremely resentful that my income is wayyyyy less than that of my XH? That being said, let me tell you how it worked itself out. Sure, he can afford more and better stuff than I can. BUT I HAVE THE GIRLS. They are loyal and love both of us, but they see me as the go-to parent. I wouldn't take a bigger checking balance for that, so...
Also, my XH has been fabulous about child support and paying for things that he could legitimately say aren't his problem. And he's paying for our D21's school (private engineering university) and not asking me to help (which I do in smaller ways). That's a financial commitment she and I both appreciate, and it's his way of committing to her happiness.
Through the years I discovered that keeping score was holding me back from being the happy person I wanted to be. The day I dropped that game became the day that I was truly free.
Besides, I know that he is envious (not sure if I mean that word exactly) that D21 calls me during the week all the time. He understands it, but he wishes he got more than he does. She *does* text him and call occasionally, but I'm the mom. You can't put a price on that. And I don't take advantage of it either. I just know it is what it is.
I love the idea of a vision board (I've got one myself) and I just might have to make that bucket list as well. Make decisions that make that vision board come true. Yes, there will be setbacks. Yes, there will be a learning curve - to think differently. Daydream. Visualize. Imagine. Those are all empowering actions.
Hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I appreciate your feedback so much. A vision board sounds perfect for me. I made a list of things I wanted to do before my next birthday, and even if I didn't get to all of them, the list making was helpful. ..and it also got me thinking in a new way.
What makes me happy? Well this past week I had the chance to visit somewhere really beautiful for work. Driving through the mountains made me happy! And I rode a bike-- need to do way more of that, maybe it's time to buy a bike. And I ate really delicious food. I'm a foodie. It was awesome.
So-- more outdoors More travel to beautiful places More delicious food.
Those are on my vision board for sure.
Having a budget will help me set saving goals. ..maybe for a bike tour of Tuscany! !
Thanks for pushing me forward even when it seems like I'm crawling sometimes. The support from this board means so much to me.
Posting here to try to hold myself accountable. I'm torturing myself on a number of fronts and wanted a place to lay out some thoughts.
1-- i have financial fear, big time. we have a meeting scheduled to start figuring out the financial settlement. i'm scared. the real estate market here is crazy. if i can't stay in my home, i don't know where i'll end up. that is my biggest fear-- and I have so much anger and resentment that my child and I are in this situation.
2-- i don't want him back. i don't find him attractive. i realize more and more that i am happier now in many many ways, that there was so much missing for me in our M. And at the same time, i still hate being here so much. I hate being alone. I hate having to co-parent with him. i hate being reminded of what i used to have, of the dreams I used to have, and how it all blew up. I hate thinking about him being with this younger woman who I had always suspected he had feelings for.
3--I hate that it still bothers me. i hate that I'm still having trouble moving on.
I had and at times still have financial fears. It is normal. Wait until your settlement happens so you will trully know. Dont borrow trouble from the future. I spent so much time being angry and fearful. It didnt change anything other than becoming severely depressed.
I learned to imagine a big Red Stop sign when those thoughts came to me.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks Rick. I appreciate you stopping by. I'll try the big red stop sign!
Didn't sleep well at all last night. And then, this morning, STBX bailed on visiting D because... it was raining... and also he has to leave a little bit earlier than expected for his business trip. "I hope you understand," he said.
No, I don't understand at all. So I sat on it a bit, drafted a few different responses just to get them out of my system, and finally wrote, "Yeah, I can see how it would be a pain to come over here in the rain." And took a big sip of STFU.
And when he spoke to D on the phone, and she asked him why he wasn't coming over (like I told her he would), I didn't say a word. I just hugged her. When she said, "Daddy I want to see you," I didn't say a word.
And then, I reframed it for myself. How lucky am I? My D cuddled with me in bed this morning, I got to spend some extra time with her, and she is in camp (and I don't have to work today), so I have the whole day to do whatever I want. I know that someday, when this is all settled and I have fully moved on (or mostly moved on), I will be grateful that I am not his spouse anymore. And I am so thankful to the universe, and myself, and everyone who has supported me--including you all here-- that I am strong enough to be a loving, consistent, compassionate parent for my D.
No, I don't understand at all. So I sat on it a bit, drafted a few different responses just to get them out of my system, and finally wrote, "Yeah, I can see how it would be a pain to come over here in the rain." And took a big sip of STFU.
yeah, Claire, I had a few sips of that myself today. And what got me through was the thought that STBX may or may not regret his parenting someday--but I never will. I've done what's right by my kids in spite of him. So have you.
1-- i have financial fear, big time. we have a meeting scheduled to start figuring out the financial settlement. i'm scared. the real estate market here is crazy. if i can't stay in my home, i don't know where i'll end up. that is my biggest fear-- and I have so much anger and resentment that my child and I are in this situation.
Please don't have a discussion with him alone about the financial settlement until you have thoroughly discussed it with your lawyer. You need to know exactly what is feasible in your state for a woman in your position, start out asking for MORE than that, and be able to negotiate it to a fair conclusion. (If you don't ask for a bit more, you won't have anything you can "give up" in negotiations).
Many women make the mistake of having these financial discussions without benefit of legal advice, and agreeing to settlements that are much less than what they could get.
Also, be realistic about what you can afford. For instance, don't negotiate to keep the house if you'll just end up in foreclosure in 3 years. Child support in most places is pretty much by formula. Alimony may or may not be available depending on your income, his income, and the length of the marriage. You should get half of any assets accumulated through the marriage. Try to negotiate things like him paying your child's health insurance if his job offers good coverage. Try to get any alimony in a lump sum if that's feasible. Make sure to have a life insurance policy on him to cover his child support payments. There are TONS of financial things to consider and you need to speak to your attorney first.
Also check out wife dot com, a website that included some helpful financial advice for me when I was getting divorced.
