I'm in my new place. No cable but I have a hotspot in this place so I can access the internet just using my account info. Not bad!
I have no furniture, but I put together a microwave cart. Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. I've been waiting for the national grid all day 1-7 my ass! It is after 8:30 and they keep saying--20 more minutes. F them! But I am in my place. It is all mine. It feels good. Mr. Softee already found me. This place is crawling with kids. I pick up mine in an hour (hopefully the gas company will get here before than. It stinks because I wanted to get me a bottle of wine, but I have been waiting around all day and now the liquor store is closed. Oh well. Tomorrow.
MOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Just checking in. I've been busy getting my place together. Job hunting. Running around with the kids--luckily I have my d12 for 2 weeks straight due to a prior commitment out by my parents. So I haven't really been living in my new place consistently because I am back and forth between my parents home and mine so much.
I still have very little furniture and home feels more like hotel living for the three of us then home.
And then something happens that reminds me that this is my new life. Not just temporary. And reminders that my old life still is going to play a big part of it slaps me in the face. For example, last night S13 and I went to the local pizza place and ran into a former teacher of his who is also a coworker of H. And I started reading into her reaction to me with all of the questions running through my head. Does she know? What does she know? What does she think? All of those stupid insecurities that come to mind as I try to figure out my new role in that community.
Through the years I was first and foremost faculty wife, then parent, resident and briefly employee. But I always represented myself more as faculty wife. I am relieved to be out of the bubble, but I will never be completely out until the kids graduate--or if for some reason they end up not being able to go to the school anymore.
I also was invited to a party through parents of my daughter's friend. Not faculty related. Just parents. And I had a great time. I was surprised. I didn't want to go. I didn't know how I was supposed to be now that I am no longer faculty wife. So I allowed myself to just be myself and it was the best thing I ever did. I think I might be able to survive this without having to hide from school related engagements. If anything, maybe I will do less hiding now. I don't have to play by anyone's rules but my own at this point. It is freeing and terrifying all at the same time. But I am realizing that people respond to me better when I am just me, rather than H's wife. Maybe part of it was that he didn't have a great reputation among many.
I went out with a friend who is also a faculty wife/parent, and she commented on how people were saying that I look like I'm free now, and how H was holding me back. Now I am shining. That is good to hear, especially on days like today when I am feeling kind of lost and sad. Last night I dreamed that H and I were having a nice, comfortable moment and I started begging him to tell OW that he wants to be with me and he is done with her. He played along, but when he got on the phone with her he wasn't saying what I wanted him to say. He was leaving options open, which made me feel more desperate. I woke up in tears. Missing him. Then remembering the awful things he has done the past few months and I was horrified all over again and glad to be out of that life.
The loneliness is tough though. I ended up going on a few dates with someone I met who lives out near my parents. He is nice and funny and we know a lot of the same people. But I feel like he was trying to move things too fast. And this loneliness I think is causing me to send mixed messages. I want the companionship and attention, but not the responsibility for someone else's feelings. And my normal MO is to start feeling responsible and end up getting caught up in something way too quickly--more out of obligation and security rather than because it is right for me. I would like to be able to date, but I don't know how to do it without feeling obligated to commit. It's almost like I was let out of one cage only to crawl into another. I talked to my therapist about it and will continue to explore how I can manage that.
I do like who I am when I am just me. Not someone's something--wife, girlfriend, SO, you name it. I can be a bit head in the clouds and eccentric, which is why I think I always tended to anchor myself to someone really quickly. To keep from flying away. And for some reason the men I meet always seem to want to tether me. I just wonder why I always let them. I feel it starting to happen with this person I met. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings, but I am no where in the same vicinity of where he is in what I want from this. I want to date--but not just one person. I don't want any talks of the future. I don't want an obligation. When I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and then I feel bad--but I also don't know if I am being totally clear. I say one thing, then do another. I really have a lot of work to do on me.
It's funny how men and women respond differently to my news that I am getting divorced. Both talk about how I am going to be ok, and better off, but they describe it differently. For women they respond by saying, "you are free. You will show him by taking advantage of everything life has to offer." Men say, "You are a young and beautiful woman. You'll find someone else soon." It is so funny how women see getting divorced as a chance to be free, and men see it as a chance to find someone new.
I think I prefer to be free--until I feel a little lonely. It's nice to have familiar arms to count on for physical affection, but not at the cost of my freedom. I have to learn how to be me--to like me--and to never ever let anyone stifle me ever again. That could take the rest of my life. LOL
So even though I have been a bit sad the past couple of days, for the most part life is getting much better. I put on 10 pounds since being removed from my home. I think that it is mostly happy pounds. The overwhelming stress that kept me from eating is over. Plus being with my parents meant an endless stream of food and wine. I thought that being in my own place would ease up on that a bit, but I started counting calories again I realize that I am doing some binge eating--so there is still some stress it is just having the opposite effect as before. I would like to lose at least 5 of the pounds I regained, or at the very least not gain anymore--so I am trying to stay on top of it by logging it into My Fitness Pal.
WEll, that was some long update. Catch up with you all later.
Last edited by mustardseed; 08/17/1505:11 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Glad to hear you are doing well. On the dating, it is a very confusing time & it is good you are taking it slow.
On the men & women consoling you: they are both right, and both wrong. You are free in one sense, but not in others. Yes, you will find someone if you choose to, but no that isn't your concern right now. You are finding you and what you want your life to be. That is what what is a good thing now, and you are doing it!
Keep sprouting!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Glad to hear you are doing well. On the dating, it is a very confusing time & it is good you are taking it slow.
On the men & women consoling you: they are both right, and both wrong. You are free in one sense, but not in others. Yes, you will find someone if you choose to, but no that isn't your concern right now. You are finding you and what you want your life to be. That is what what is a good thing now, and you are doing it!
Keep sprouting!
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am finding me. I don't want to be in a relationship until I know how to do it without losing me. But at the same time I miss having someone. Even if we were pretty distant from each other the past couple of years, just knowing he was there was enough. Now I feel like a huge piece is missing. Maybe I need to have that missing piece heal before I try filling it again. Because maybe the key isn't to fill a hole, but to not have a hole to fill in the first place. Feeling complete without being partnered. Boy do I have a long road ahead of me.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I had a very nice three weeks. I got to have my children for three weeks straight--sometimes just my daughter, sometimes just my son, and sometimes both of them. I loved it. My son seems to be coming around a bit. I love that I got to bond with him one on one. It is a lot easier with my daughter. I also got to have the dog for a full week.
Dropping them all off yesterday was very difficult. But I decided to show H my sunshine throughout all of our exchanges. To let him see me sprouting. It isn't too hard to do, but it is confusing. Because I realized I can either feel love or hate for him, nothing in between. So when I show him my sunshine I feel loving and then I have to remind myself what he did to me, so that I don't start wanting that marriage back. And I am so confused. I do still love him. After everything he did to me--I still love him. And the only way to overcome that is to hold on to the anger and hate him.
When I have to drop off the kids I always try to find something fun to do after. This time I planned a movie outing with my aunt. I knew that the movie night was arranged by her church--but I didn't realize that the movie itself was a Christian movie. It was called "The War Room". And it was quite heavy handed, but also so on point, and pretty funny and well-done. It really was what I needed.
The thing that made me sit up an pay attention was when the spunky old woman asked the MC if her relationship with God was hot or cold, and the MC responded "somewhere in the middle" so the old woman gave the MC a cup of luke-warm coffee, and said, no one likes luke-warm. It was early on in the movie, and it was exactly what I was just complaining to my aunt about. That I wish I could just not care and be "MEH" about seeing H--but instead I run hot and cold. Love and hate. Both extremes. And I think my answer in that movie was that I can't have luke warm with him. And hate is getting me no where. And love hurts more than anything I ever imagined right now. But I can't hope for luke warm. That is the wrong goal to have.
I am completely unclear on all of my goals at this point in time. I am still very much in limbo and still very much confused about just about every aspect of my life. I think about the man I met last month. He wants to get together again, and since I have been pretty busy with the kids and the dog, and everything I haven't had to think about if I should or shouldn't pursue that. I am not looking for a relationship--not at all. But I like the company. I just don't know if it is a distraction or a GAL. I really feel like I don't know anything right now.
So that movie inspired me to create my own war room. I don't really have a particular room or closet available like they had in the movie, but I can still do the work I need to do at my kitchen table (my beloved grandmother's kitchen table that--when brought into my new home made me feel like she was right here with me).
I just finished my first prayer. All I can ask for today is clarity, because I have no idea what I want--and therefore no goals in mind. So the first thing that I need is for those things to be made clear to me.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
In exactly one week my kids go back to school. I will not have them that day. I am having a really hard time with that reality. H said I can come see them after school--maybe he will agree to let me take them back to our new home for the afternoon. I just cannot believe I won't be there to see them off. The first day of school is so important with establishing the routine and tone for the year, and I just feel like it is all going to be so chaotic. I don't like the visitation schedule that is in place for the school year, it made sense for the summer but not for school. And it won't be until mid-September that we go to court again. It [censored] that he gets to see them every day because he is their teacher, but I need permission to see them on days that are not mine.
Also, OW had to contact me about some things coming up that my daughter was chosen for. Having to interact with her on a parent/teacher level knowing that she is the one who did all of this to my family is going to be really difficult. I am not looking forward to this year. I had to deal with her last year with S, but I was still home. She was still the one who had to lurk in the shadows on the outside. But now they have figured out a way to push me out. Civility won't come easy, but I will find a way. They will not win.
My heart feels heavy today.
Time to come up with a game plan for how I am going to make that first day of school a positive experience for me and the kids.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
