He is hurting himself and choses to hurt himself. Through this whole process you must have learned that you can't own other people's issues. that's a major form of co-dependency and very harmful to YOU.
....and just for the record, I don't mean to come off sounding cold. I understand addiction well, I lived with a drug addicted mother. Yes, it is a disease. But he does have power over his choices outside of the addiction. Either way, you cannot take the blame. You cannot say YOU are hurting him. He hurts himself, the drugs hurt him, but you do not hurt him.
I agree w/the ladies. He's got to fix himself. Get this divorce over and done with and go on w/your life. The girls want the divorce to happen because they have been thru h@ll and back not having a father there and seeing what you have had to do in order for all of you to survive.
I also agree that he needs to prove to you and himself that he can stay clean and sober for a year. Let's not have another Kourtney and Scott scenario playing out. HE HAS TO DO THE WORK! You can't fix him and I hope you think about all that he's done to you and the girls before you feel sorry for him again.
I know you are feeling guilty, but let's step back and think way back. Did he feel guilty when he walked out the door and left you w/peanuts to live on? Did he feel guilty that your house needed repairs and he wasn't there to help or send money to help? Did he feel guilty that you left your home and moved away? No! In fact, all he complained about was how the house looked when you vacated it....messy! He certainly didn't feel guilty when you had to sell tools, etc., in order to survive.
So, no, do not feel guilty for standing your ground. It's time he man up, do the right thing, and both of you get on w/this divorce. It will never get better unless he seeks professional help and stays sober.
Do not settle for less. You've come too far to settle for peanuts. You are the prize and don't you ever forget it.
You can feel SORRY for him - it must be terrible to wake up and discover you made such a mess out of your family - but definitely don't feel GUILTY. He fired you from the job of wife, remember? And he sure didn't make any effort to come see his girls, both before and after you moved. HE needs to do the work to win his way back into the good graces of you three. He likely won't be up to the task, but getting the divorce done has nothing to do with whether you give him the chance to do those things. The divorce is just business.
Hey Heather. I know its hard to see someone we love struggle. Yet it is that struggle which can cause great change.
His addiction is an illness, but, it doesn't give him a free pass on his actions. He still has to own those. While I try not to let what happened to me taint my ability to feel sympathy. I do use it to help me see what I need to see.
People with addictions tend to play on those of us who have great compassion. Not saying he is doing this, just saying it is a possibility.
I want you to listen to what he is really saying. He doesn't really want your sympathy, nor does he want you to question what he is doing. My guess is that he isn't at all sure he can follow up on quitting drugs and you questioning it makes him angry.
He will do what he will until he figures it out and the truth is he may never do that. Either way, it is his to own. It doesn't work otherwise.
So, its ok to feel badly for him. Just don't allow those feelings to change what you are doing. You still need to follow your path.
If down the road, he has shown you that he has changed, then you can make your decisions from a place of strength.
It's been 48 hours of getting drawn into his addict's mind. NOT a place I want to be.
The first thing he said to me after not speaking for months... "Hello Mrs. Berry."
Last night, I was exhausted and my head was spinning and I was hit with the sadness of who he could have been. Where we could have been... if he was able to be honest.
His atty got back to me yesterday with a settlement proposal agreeing to the terms I set.
HOWEVER, his atty says I have to go to the pretrial hearing. Now, his atty is notorious for forcing unnecessary hearings.
According to Matt, I have to go to prove I'm not signing this under duress.
I feel as if I'm walking into a trap. And, I have no intention of paying court costs on a hearing.
I sense Matt is trying to force my hand to get us to Ohio.
I was thinking I could hunt around for an atty here to just witness my signing the document.
There was one point about the tools which I need to have clarified.
I feel sick and distracted... He is an energy sucker.
I will fill you all in on the things he said yesterday. I asked about his roommate and he said he is still living with her ONLY because he can't afford to live elsewhere.
He also soundly blamed me for not seeing D12 in over a year. It's because I moved her to NY and his truck can't make it that far.
Granted, this is AFTER I told him that he isn't someone I would date right now. That I'm really careful about who comes into our lives because we've been hurt enough.
Gotta go. I will touch base later.
Also, played tennis for an hour and went for a long walk.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Why not ask if a notary can witness your signing the settlement agreement? It is far cheaper and it's legal because they have to sign, date, stamp/seal the document. If you have to attend the pretrial hearing, why not ask if it can be done via telecom. I don't see any reason why this can't be done this way...but what do I know about Ohio laws. It doesn't hurt to ask.
How many times do you need to clarify the tools issue? That should be a moot point by now.
Oh, I'm no surprised that the ow is still there. She's not going anywhere for a long time. She's got it made.
As for now seeing h is daughter because his truck won't make the trip...well, that's a poor excuse as there are rental cars, buses, trains and planes that can take you anywhere your heart desires.
As you can see, it's still all about him. He's not worried about you and your daughters one bit. It's still about what he can get from you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yep. It's still all about HIM. The center of the universe, the Master of his Kingdom, Self-Will Run RIOT, etc...
I will allow him to continue digging his own grave. His choice.
I haven't reached out and I've heard nothing. My clarity is back. Albeit with some anger at his efforts to manipulate and belittle me.
He belittles like an artist with a chisel.
He brought up the newspaper I published alone 15 years ago. He reminded me how I was always late getting it to press.
He also made it clear he is full of rage and projection towards D21... Giving her no credit for all she has accomplished without his help. And, was digging for me to give him some sort of gratitude for his paying of her car insurance... even though that's ALL he has done.
Then, told me some lies which I knew were lies. He said his mother printed the picture of D12 from "someone's Facebook page"...um, that's MY FACEBOOK page and she was directed there by him after our last conversation when he asked about the newspaper FB (my new FB and the newspaper FB are connected). He acted as if he had no idea how she had come across the picture even though he sent a text to D12 telling her that he saw her photo on FB and thought she was beautiful.
I don't think he remembers all he has done and said. I genuinely think he is in some strange hell of his own making filled with years of smoke from all the grass.
Not my fault. Feel angry about his attempts to blame me about not seeing D!12. I think about all the cars I rented and the trips I took on our Jeep with more than 200,000 miles... trips to two states away for a job interview and... you all remember. When I didn't have a decent vehicle to drive, I figured it out. Like grown ups do when their kids need them.
I just listened. And, when I went silent because I couldn't think of another thing to say to this stranger, he ended the conversation by telling me he looks forward to seeing me at the hearing. _________________________________________________________________ I have had a perfectly lovely two days. REALLY lovely. Exercised hard to release some of the anger. And, I'm liking my body again. It feels different being in my body.
D12 and I went rummage sale-ing and we bought $50 worth of old necklaces and rings. I also bought a sweet painting. I also bought some pretty rings for $4 and $8 which I had been eye-ing at a gift shop for months. I have missed having something on my ring finger and now have some pretty, fun pieces to wear.
D21 called me last night.
She vented about her trip to Ohio.
My family is still my family and even more so. My mother is worse than ever.
She had D21 in tears by grilling her with questions about my life and my decisions and the possibilities of the future. "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER?"
My mother is still the piece of work she has always been. D21 fell apart after dealing with them for the two days in order to get the co-sign on her car.
There were terrible things my mother said and she said my family is judging me as harshly as ever, analyzing every decision.
How is it that my family continues to judge me now that I've made so many changes in my life... changes they wanted me to make.
My instincts tell me that they were comfortable with the old Heather and can't seem to embrace the new.
My mother wants me to open my arms to Matt and allow him back into my life, no matter what she says to my face, because then she feels justified for the years she put an abusive man first in her own life. She needs me to stay stuck.
After talking to D21, I was so proud of how she handled the situation, drove off in her new car which she is paying for :-) back to the life she is creating for herself... Her anger came back after spending a few days in Ohio.
She is enrolled in school, has EMT classes scheduled, has a new apartment she found and figured out and is a supervisor at the retail job she has.
My mother, of course, made sure to tell me that D21's success is due to her LEAVING ME.
I guess that's the party line in Ohio from my mom and dad and everyone. I'm bad news to my girls and they would thrive away from me.
D21, however, gave me the nicest compliment... "Mom I couldn't have done all of this without your example. You showed me how to be brave. You are the reason I've been able to put things right."
And, yesterday, D12 told me that I'm the best mom in the whole world. She told me how lucky she feels to have me.
I feel that God has given me space from these maniacs to gain some perspective on my own life. To see who I am without their endless analysis and chatter.
I feel more convinced than ever that we need to keep moving forward. We haven't found our sweet spot yet, but we are close.
I am applying for copywriting jobs in and around Asheville. I purchased these two great books on writing copy for businesses and I think that's what would be relatively easy for me--compared to what I'm doing now--, allowing me to parent how I need to, with a solid income, not a journalism income... I feel I have a direction. I just need to gather my strength for this next adjustment, a final adjustment where we can create a solid support system around us of people who embrace us as we are... minus the judgment.
I see a new life ahead. I have a clear picture of it. I just have to reach out to it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
