I am still real confused at time and sometimes angry at H because he comes over to house and mows yard, and does things, fix breakfast for S and asks if I want some but says nothing else about us or R or anything.
I know I should appreciate it but it makes me feel weird like and confused. If he wants a D then ask for it or if he wants to be at home then talk about it but coming and doing things and then leaving makes me upset.
I am better if he doesn't come at all. Any suggestions?
There are going to be times that you won't hear from him and the more you send messages to him, the more likely he's not going to answer them. You are pursuing him. I know you want him to know about your son, but step back a bit and be still for a while. If you remain still and quiet for a bit and allow him to realize that you aren't calling or sending messages, he just might get curious and contact you. Unless you have an absolute emergency of any kind, be still. Okay?
If you have truly accepted that he's gone, then let him go. I'm not saying divorce him, but leave him be. Live your life as if he's not going to return. Live your life to the fullest and be there for your son. Right now, you are the strong and supportive parent that your son needs. His father, well...he's out to lunch for a while.
Can you pretend that your h is on a trip to Mars and can't contact you for a while? This may help you detach more if you can think in those terms.
I think I just found my answer to my last post in this one from you Job. There is nothing to do other then let him come and do what he is going to do (I never ask and today he said to me why didn't you call or text me and ask me/) I said because you don't answer text or calls. He said yes I do. I said nothing.
I don't because I don't want to ask him for anything.
I need some input on why they do this where they come and maintain home a little and then disappear is this to appease their guilt? Does it mean anything?
There are no standard answers to why they come and maintain a home and then disappear again, but here are my opinions:
1) it's a routine and something they don't really have to think about what they are doing; 2) it's a good way to stay connected to their former life; 3) it's a good way to keep an eye on what you are doing; or 4) it could very well be guilt.
I wouldn't sit and try to analyze why he's there doing the usual house maintenance. I would be happy he's doing it and be sure to thank him. Now, if it gets to the point you don't want him there, then you will have to tell him and set your boundaries...but remember, if you tell him you don't want him mowing the grass, then you'll have to do it or hire someone.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here's my take as a former recovered MLCer badass...
We touch and go because we are attracted to comforting beacon from the Lighthouse that shines through the darkness. Then it becomes too much for us and we retreat. Remember our coping skills are broken and it takes a long time to get our chit together.
Wonka: Does this mean anything then? Because he asks me to make a list of things that I want done but I feel if I do that may make me look needy or appease his guilt for leaving and like eat and have his cake too?
Since your h has asked for a list of things that require attention, then yes, it could very well mean that he feels comfortable coming there to do them. Evidently you aren't putting a lot of pressure on him and he feels comfortable there. Make the list and then he can pick and choose what he wants to work on.
Would I put a lot of stock into his behavior right now? I would continue to keep my expectations very low or on zero because who knows what tomorrow may bring.
Be thankful that he wants to do things around the home. Many just up and leave and the spouse is left w/a mess of unfinished projects, learning to mow, fix toilets and leaks, etc.
One more thing...please try not to over analyze his behavior? Why? Because it's going to drive you nuts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I suspect that H is suffering from the MLC Swiss Cheese syndrome because MLCers forget many, many things. The list is to help him keep track of what needs to be done. That's a positive in my view. Does that mean he'll do everything on the list? Who knows. Time will tell.
You would want to keep the to-do list short because MLCers can't handle too much information at one time.
I am definitely keeping my expectations at zero. It seems as if this whole thing has turned into some sort of distant friendship like one that you know someone but not very well like an acquaintance. Fine by me at this point I couldn't handle anymore then that I am not sure at this point if I want anymore then that with him.
I have a meeting with my attorney on Thursday. I have tried to be patient but I think my patience has run out. I think at this point a need a clean break mainly for me. I think if I know its done I can move on but with it lurking there for some reason I can't get past it.
I know I will be ok at this point which I didn't know a few months ago so everyone here has got me to this point. Going forward it will be hard but I have basically been on my own for 7 months now and I have realized that H is not the person I want in my life with the way he is.
I have come to realize the trust that was broken with his lies I don't think I can get back because I don't think I will ever trust him like I did and I really need that with whoever I will be with or maybe I will be by myself and I am ok with that too. I have lots of family and friends that my S and I hang out with every weekend.
Wish me luck and thanks to everyone who has supported me and made me realize that I needed to find my own life. I have and will continue to do so.
Maybe down the road we can patch things up maybe not only time will tell.
