My story - W was with OW

[Shuley]

Thank you Wonka-

From here on, I am going to implement these rules to the letter. We are supposed to go on an annual camping family vacation in a couple days. I already told her that I wasn't going. It breaks my heart because we go every year with a group of friends and that is also the place where we spent our honeymoon. But not only will it be very difficult for her just to keep the campsite together without me, we won't be around each other so maybe that will help. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to go and also practice Sandi's rules, but I doubt I could put up the act that well for 6 days. My son is bringing his best friend so that takes the pressure off going to be with him. This is on my mind every minute of every day.

[Shuley]

Wonka or anyone else. Question. What if we are seeing a marriage counselor? We saw one on Wednesday. Should I not schedule another appt? I think progress was made. My thoughts are to let her schedule if she still wants to go but drop it. If she does, I guess that lifts the no R talk rule, obviously. But can I be genuine with my feelings at the MC session?

[Cadet]

Go to the marriage counseling if she wants to go but dont be surprised if it turns into divorce counseling.

You can always get up and leave.

Keep posting and reading and post on other peoples threads and more advice will come.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

[Wonka]

Shuley,

A couple of questions:

-What's up with the OW? Is she completely moved out?
-Any contact between W and OW still ongoing?

Now to the family camping vacation. I am puzzled as to why you said you were not going. Sometimes it is okay to do this type of events (1 out of 5) because you want to leave a POSITIVE memory of it in W's mind. We read many stories of WASes returning back to the M and the LBS because of their positive memories of some interactions. They do see the contrast between the LBS and the OW/OM.

It's something you want to be aware of during the DB journey.

As for MC counseling, there are three sides to the process.

-WASes who are in active in an affair attend MC so they can check off the box "I've tried everything" while still having the foot out of the door
-WASes attend MC sessions to let the LBS down easy and work on a path to divorce
-WASes are conflicted and confused so they look to MC as a resource to guild them (BTW, the percentage of WASes going with this third option is quite low)

If your W goes to MC sessions and broaches D talk, then you can state that a D isn't want you want and will not participate in the sessions for she's blowing up a family unilaterally. Also tell the MC outright that W had an affair with the OW. A lot of the times WASes just won't tell the MC the full picture. Don't be the passive party here.

Hope this helps.

FYI, I am very rarely around DB forums over the weekend. Will check in on you next week.

[Shuley]

As far as I know, the A is not ongoing. But she told me 2X it was over and she would not go back to OW and than did. Also, I cannot believe a word she says and so I say "as far as I know". She works with the OW. So even though contact there is minimal, since there is some contact I cannot be comfortable that the A is over. At this point, if she did, I would just file for D. This OW is an alcoholic and has attempted suicide and been involuntarily committed to a mental ward in the past 6 months. So, in order to protect my son and myself I would do mt best to cut off the W if she chose to be with her.

My decision to not go on the vacation was to give myself and her both space. Also, to give her a glimpse of what life would be without my help. I was the one doing 80%-90% of maintaining the household in every way the past year so I though maybe if she struggled on her own, she might understand what I do for the family on a daily basis. I want her to wish I was there and get some alone time for myself.

I have not made the final decision, she is still waiting for it. Not sure what to do now?

[Shuley]

Things going better. W stated she wanted to work on marriage because it's too special not to fight for. We've been having talks about what we believe the problems are when she wants to talk. One MC session and another next week set up. One thing I did tell her during one of these discussions is that she has focused a lot over the years on the few reasons not to love me and very little on the many reasons to love me. that hit home for her, she agreed. She's spent two nights in the last few days back in bed with me - her choice. No funny stuff, just sleeping and a little spooning. When sleeping arrangements have been discussed I tell her she is welcome to sleep wherever she likes. However, I do think it confuses our son - but that's okay. We have him set up with his own counselor to share his feelings. I was happy to wake up this morning with her spooning me. I am VERY cautiously optimistic and realistic knowing we still have quite the uphill battle.

I've been leaving her alone and being upbeat, cheerful and pulled back. I started GAL in many ways years ago. I'm still hitting the gym almost daily, playing soccer, watching movies, eating right, keeping in contact with friends, etc. (I'd be lying if I said I was sleeping well) It seems to be working, I can tell b/c she seems more depressed than me! I'm not "acting" either, I really believe I will be okay. If we don't make it, it will be very painful - the hardest time in my life. But, I'll make it - thank God for my boy. My W, son and therapist (and Wonka!) all thought it was not a good idea for me to go to the annual family camping trip in Yosemite, so I'm going. I plan to hike half dome one day and spend quality alone and together time - hoping to heal.

I am going to have a positive attitude that things will work out, however the more I work on accepting whatever comes, the more prepared I am for the worst.

On a funny note I got DB book today and am surgically attaching Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point" cover on it as a decoy so I can read it on the trip.

[Shuley]

correction: "My W, son and therapist (and Wonka!) all thought it WAS a good idea for me to go to the annual family camping trip in Yosemite.."

[Wonka]

Shuley,

Whatever you do....DO NOT BRING DR book with you on the trip. I don't care what you said about the cover. Leave it at home and in a very, very good hiding place that W will never find it.

I am dead serious about this. I have seen far too many M's implode after their WASes discovers the DB site or the book. So sad.

Hopefully the MC is a solutions-based therapist...is she/he? Does she/he talk about solutions instead of allowing you and W to re-hash past hurts and dredging up painful things with no movement in sight?

[Shuley]

Okay. Advice taken. I guess I feel anxious to read it and I read a lot on this trip every year. I will call my therapist and ask him that. I know him very well but not as a MC. I used to see him individually. It boils down to a lack of trust which led to her pulling back and leaving me emotionally. She can trust me, I know of that. But I cannot force her to, that wont work. I need to ask him what kind of exercises,etc help with that regard.

[Shuley]

I just read the article about forgiveness. It is brilliant and perfectly describes what I am certain is the basis of the boundaries my W built between us. I might email it to out MC and ask him to give to her, making it his idea. Eliminating it coming from me and making sure she doesnt trace it to DB DR. Any thoughts? Good idea, bad? I really want her to read it.