Heavy is spot on Prowl. It's time to be there for your sons and make that your only priority. BE THERE FOR YOUR SONS.
Your WW is allowed to throw whatever chit she wants in your face about another child, how cruel, and useless to speak with you about. I'm sorry about that too, but it's nonsense. Think of it that way.
And like both V and Heavy said, her family will side with her. You don't even know if they like him or not, there are dynamics in families that no one knows. Zues told me I may get the truth about my situation years from now. You may too. Right now you aren't getting the truth about anything so create your own truth for your kids.
That truth is "Dad is freakin ROCK. No matter what happened, he was our ROCK.'
That's your truth.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Agree with the rest about the family. Family will take the side of W and even ignore her faults because they "see" her happy. They want her to be happy so how she got there is of no importance. This desnt mean she is happy or will be happy in the long run, shes just consumed in the new relationship feelings and those chemicals make her think this is the right path.
Keep being there for your children and improving yourself and ignore what W is doing. You have the chance to build yourself up to find true happiness while she seeks it out in the wrong places. It will backfire on her even if you never see it.
Focus on you and those boys, they need you right now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
She's basically told me she should have left the marriage years ago but stayed because she didn't think any man would want her with 6 kids. She's saying she's finding lot of great men that don't care how many kid she has and they are men that she has more in common with and she feels safe with.
She then asked of we did get back together if I could handle her being friends with men she kissed or "done other things with". I told her if she chose us I would deal with that when it came. She said she is unwilling to give up some of the men friends she's made and asked how I would feel if she wanted to do lunch with "OM". I told her I would not be okay with that. I asked her if she would want me having lunch with my EA from my past. She didn't say anything.
This morning she have me the whole "we need to start off as friends again, as right now were not even that" I don't like being down graded to a friend. Currently my job may be in jeapordy as I can't focus and have been a mess. She's concerned about that and I think it's the only reason she's being kind today.
I've been laying down all day and just listening to my heart pound in my chest. It aches and it hurt. My whole body hurts. I just wish she would love me enough to want to come back. That I meant enough to save our marriage. I don't feel very worthy of anything right now.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
Prowl, I am going to give you some advice here, take it for what it's worth, but hopefully it will help. You are dealing with a Wayward Wife which is a whole lotta crazier than a Walk Away Wife. I dealt with one, heck, I am still dealing with a Wayward and it's been almost 8 months. You will get through this, you will overcome this, BUT you really need to follow Sandi's rules. I know they are hard, I know they are difficult, but trust me man, they DO work. When my WW left, I was living in our downstairs bedroom like a hermit, throwing up in a bucket from cancer treatments, crying myself to sleep because my family, my career and my life was slipping through the cracks and I couldn't do anything about it.
Originally Posted By: Prowl
She's basically told me she should have left the marriage years ago but stayed because she didn't think any man would want her with 6 kids. She's saying she's finding lot of great men that don't care how many kid she has and they are men that she has more in common with and she feels safe with.
Ok, we all know how that made you feel buddy. She knows you are hurt, she knows that you want to make this marriage work, what she is doing here is seeing your reaction to her words. Next time she says something like that do NOT engage her! Do NOT ask her anything. Do not do anything! Just say "Oh, ok" get up and walk away! You are giving her the reaction she wants, she knows when she makes comments like that it's hitting you right in the heart. DO NOT LET HER DO THAT!
Originally Posted By: Prowl
She then asked of we did get back together if I could handle her being friends with men she kissed or "done other things with". I told her if she chose us I would deal with that when it came. She said she is unwilling to give up some of the men friends she's made and asked how I would feel if she wanted to do lunch with "OM". I told her I would not be okay with that. I asked her if she would want me having lunch with my EA from my past. She didn't say anything.
Are you serious? I thought you were a cop or something? Do you realize by saying "yes" to that, you are just letting her cake eat? That now she can always say "Well, if things don't work out with Doug, Steve, Jerry, etc, I know I will always have Prowl at home!" The correct answer is "ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOT! ARE YOU INSANE?" and left it at that! Do you want to be her husband or her gay guy confidant? I mean, really man, have you even read anything here yet?
Originally Posted By: Prowl
This morning she have me the whole "we need to start off as friends again, as right now were not even that" I don't like being down graded to a friend. Currently my job may be in jeapordy as I can't focus and have been a mess. She's concerned about that and I think it's the only reason she's being kind today.
Ok, so your life is a mess, your wife is toying with you, you are uncertain about your future. What is one thing that you can focus on? How about your job? You put the hours into getting where you are in life, why would you let your WW ruin that for you? All she is going to do is use it as ammo down the road! "Oh, Prowl, I would consider getting back together with you, but you got fired and are homeless." You need to GAL (Get A Life) Prowl, you NEED To focus on something other than your WW. Focus on the job! Focus on the career! Focus on your future without her!
Originally Posted By: Prowl
I've been laying down all day and just listening to my heart pound in my chest. It aches and it hurt. My whole body hurts. I just wish she would love me enough to want to come back. That I meant enough to save our marriage. I don't feel very worthy of anything right now.
And in her eyes you are not! You are a neutered man in her eyes. Would you want to be with someone who has been crying, moping, etc for the last month? I am not trying to be a jerk, because I did the SAME THING! BUT you have got to snap out of it!
I look at my WW like a parasite. She feeds off the negativity in my life so she can make excuses to anyone who will listen on why she left. "Oh, Eye-Tie cries all day because he misses me, he also lost his job and hides in the basement away from everyone (these were all things she had said about me, sound familiar?)!" But guess what? I read Sandi's rules, I talked to people on these boards, one day she came home and I was dressed nice and said "Hey, great, you are here, I will be back later (we were in separate bedrooms by then)" and went out the door. Know where I went? To a movie by myself. You know what is only sadder than that? Eating dinner by yourself (which I also did), you know what was even worse? I ordered an entree to go AND bought an extra movie ticket. Know why? We had a joint bank account, I knew she would look. Guess what it looked like? It looked like I went out on a date. Know what I told her when I got home? NOTHING! Even when she asked, I just smiled and didn't say anything!
Soon I started looking for a church, found one with a great support group, I started finding new hobbies, I focused on my kids, etc. Don't get me wrong, I miss my wife. BUT I don't miss being married to who she has become. But whenever I do, I immediately find something else to do to get my mind off of it.
You have GOT to GAL, put the best foot forward and focus on you, Prowl. This is what people have been saying to you for a while now, buddy.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Heavy here - you need to buck up man. Be a man and stand up. The weaker you are to her the more she will walk on you. Women are like that. I can say that because I am one.
Ignore her and whatever nonsense she says. Just get up and walk away, leave the house, go out, you do not have to listen to any of it.
If you argue with her, she will argue back, so just leave until she calms down. Or you could agree with her and say "You know what, you are right, this is not working out or "I don't let anyone talk to me like that." and calmly and confidently walk out.
I know you are strong Prowl, and even though you are hurting more than you ever have been in your life, you cannot let her destroy you. Wayward wives are just friggin mean. I know cause I am married to one myself. Anyone on the board here can verify that they are just MEAN.
I had all the kids last night and my oldest son decided that I needed to know what else was going on. He told me that OM has actually been staying overnight. She will farm the kids all out to sleep overs and bring him over. My son saw his car late one night and then my son came home around 6:30 and his car was still there. My W has made it so no one can get into the house unless she opens the door. That allows her and her OM to i'm sure get dressed and act like everything is fine when the door opens. My son has also caught them numerous times making out on the couch.
But the latest news I gathered was that he himself is currently going through a divorce. I don't know if that is code for "still married" but that does help things. I just don't have any idea on how to get a hold of his spouse.
Last night my son and I drove by the house at 12:30, just as her and him pulled into the driveway. They jumped out of their car and ran into the house. My son jumped the fence and went in through the back door. He caught them trying to hide in the bathroom. She then came out and approached me while on the phone with the police. remember we have a RO on each other. I was at the curb so I wasn't breaking anything.
we ended up leaving. She called my this morning. and told me I just pushed her further into his arms by making him have to "save her" from me last night. The wuss stood behind the front door and peaked out. Real big hero.
Anyways I'm just F'ing exhausted... The boys tell me she has a picture of them framed and on her desk. She never had one of us. It's worthless fighting for someone who is so in love with someone else. Maybe they are soul mates? maybe they do belong together... She obviously really wants to be with him.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
No more driving by their house. Stay the hell away from W and OM. The OM is nothing. An annoying gnat.
They are in the flush of an A and their heads are messed up. Look at how your W is 'farming' out her parental responsibilities. She is not being sane or rational here.
You need to be the rock to your kids and be the sane one. If you go batchit, then the kids have no strong adult models.
Stop this chit. Want to stop feeling "exhausted", then stop looking in W's direction (both literally and figuratively).
What are your GAL plans for the rest of this week and weekend?
And I do have to say this: Be the real grown up. Don't have your son see you driving by the house like a Peeping Tom. What sort of example are you setting to your kids? Most importantly, what kind of cop are you? By exhibiting those kinds of behaviors, it doesn't reflect well on you.
Detach. Focus on YOU and the kids. It's the only thing that you can control.
Prowl, listen to Wonka. This is what we all are trying to tell you, buddy.
The more you sit around and think about what "she" is doing, is more time wasted that could be better spent on "you". Her head (and probably OM's) are NOT in it for the long run. This is exciting to your WW because affairs are "taboo".
I look at it like this. When I was younger I had a Beagle. She was probably the greatest dog I ever owned. Smart as a whip, loved kids, completely house broken by 9 weeks. BUT her fault was that if she got off her leash, she was gone. The more you chased after this dog, the faster she would run. And she was a jerk about it too, she would actually lay down to catch her breath and allow you to get within a foot of her then she would take off again. I chased that dog all over my neighborhood countless times. Tried every trick I could think of to get her to come to me, nothing worked. Treats, meat, whatever, I did it. She would just run. Then one day I just said "screw it" and didn't chase her, she took off and realized that I wasn't chasing her and came back. She then took off again when I reached out for her, so I didn't. Eventually I left the door open and she just walked into the house after being "gone" for 5 minutes. See the similarities between my stupid beagle and a WW? The more you chase, the more you beg, the more you offer, the faster and harder they are going to run. BUT when you stop, it is no longer a game. I quit chasing my WW a few months ago (probably shortly after joining the forum) and it made a huge difference across the board.
Take everyone's advice. Set up a GAL plan, do something out of character, do whatever it takes to get your mind off of "her" because right now, buddy, you are NOT on her mind. Right now she is NOT the woman you married. Right now nothing matters to her other than the chase and the game. So don't play! GAL! It will help, it will make you feel better and you will be happier man. We are all here for you.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
