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I haven't posted in a few days.

Doing well with most of DB except still too emotional. H is so withdrawn and after days of the silent treatment I just lose it. Although my "losing it" is not as emotional as I used to be, definitely more controlled, but still more emotional than H can handle. I need to be tougher. Made a lot of progress but still more to go.

Pretty sure H has a drinking problem. He is cruel to me when he drinks and after the last episode I could feel a very big shift in my emotions. I am losing respect for him. I feel disgusted by him. I NEVER thought I'd feel that way. That should help me detach, but its more of a withdrawal than detachment. I can't get into specifics in case he ever stumbles across this forum. But he has serious issues that have nothing to do with me. And there is nothing I can do to help him with this, actually anything I do will actually make it worse.

I will continue to work on myself. Continue to GAL. Continue to manage my emotions, and be the best partner I can be. Maybe it will be easier now that I am not feeling "in love" any more, I don't feel desperate any more, just sad for him. I still love him. I still want to make this work. I do not want to be divorced, do not want to break up my family, but you know what? It's not up to me. I will only focus on the things that are up to me.



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You you doing Photoka?

Originally Posted By: photoka
I still love him. I still want to make this work. I do not want to be divorced, do not want to break up my family, but you know what? It's not up to me. I will only focus on the things that are up to me.


^^^^This sounds like good progress! It's going to take a lot more time, but once you get over the initial shock and loss, it does get easier with time to see that which you can control and that which you cannot.

How is detachment coming?


Me:36 W:30
M:2.75 T:7
BD: 4/2015
ILYBNILWY: 5/2015
W Moved Out: 5/2015
W filed for D: 7/2015
jedi #2593021 07/31/15 02:48 AM
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Thanks Jedi. Detachment is going very well. It is like a huge weight off my shoulders. Although the detachment "with love" part is not quite there, I am doing a little more avoidance than I probably should, but honestly I am busy with GAL and having fun. Going out a lot, and then when I am home I am really engaging with my children on a much deeper level and sustained level than I have in a while. I was always able- even on the darkest days- to plug into them for a few minutes at a time, but now I can give them an hour or longer attention, play a game, be silly, play at the pool, etc, and really just be with them without getting distracted by "what is H doing", checking my phone, etc. Going out with my friends more than I ever have in my life (and talking less and less about my problems ), taking singing lessons, going for walks, just keeping busy and actually enjoying it.

H seems to be noticing and checking in a little more, but very little. Last night he actually said "I feel like I don't know you anymore, you are a different person." I said "same person, just handling life in a healthier way." I am not doing it for him. It is amazing what one drunken night filled with extremely stupid comments did for my perspective. He needs to work this out - he is seriously messed up and it is NOT me, its him. I hope he figures it out.



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I have a dilemma. Doing great with all aspects of DB but feeling disgusted with H. I am GAL, validating, detaching, 180's, but I just cannot keep a smile and pleasant attitude around him for more than 5 minutes or so before I need to leave the room because I can't fake it any more. I know I need to stay pleasant. How do I do that? Will it come with time?

It feels a LOT better than feeling desperate and in love, so its a better problem than I've had up until now, but still a problem.

I have also stopped pursuing completely. He is taking the smallest baby steps towards reaching out, but very small, plus then I am usually running out, because of you know, can't stand him. How are we ever going to put this marriage back together?



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My therapist advised me to attend al-anon meetings. Which is probably a good idea. I think H is in the beginning of a drinking problem, not an alcoholic, but definitely has a problem. Meetings are wednesday nights. I just asked him if he was going to be around Weds night to take care of the kids while I go out. He said yes and asked where I was going. Do I tell him? I said a meeting my counselor recommended.

Part of me doesn't want to go because it has to do with him and his problem, now that I am GAL I'd rather spend that hour or so going out with friends and doing something fun for me. But, on the other hand, I am an avoider so maybe this would be good. I guess I could go to a meeting or two and see if it is helpful? Anybody been to one before? H was never really a drinker until late fall, since then he drinks nightly and has had several extremely intoxicated evenings during which he said the absolutely worst things to me you could imagine, and then claims to have forgotten the next day. The binge drinking has slowed down a lot, but there was a VERY bad night last week- the one that completely shut down my feelings for him.

Any advice? Should I tell him where I am going? Should I go at all?



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I am doing well, getting better at validating but it is SO hard when I don't agree with him, but I have Sandi's cheat sheet on my phone so that helps. I am doing better.

Had a productive conversation with H yesterday about what I think is our biggest issue- his parents involvement. He actually brought it up. I told him that I have disengaged- that for the last 6 months, and in particular the last 3 since it took me a while to "get it right" I have taken myself out of the problem. That I still hear things and I am not taking the bait, it stops with me.

No matter what happens with our marriage, his parents will be at our children's graduations, weddings, special events, etc, and I do not want let a grey cloud over my head at every event in the future, and I hope that my "letting go" will prevent the cloud from being there for him and for the children. Sadly, the cloud has been there up until now for all events, holidays, memories, there was always some drama going on. Always. I am letting it go. All of it. It isn't worth it. I wish I did this 20 years ago. H acknowledged that there are problems with his mother.

I was shocked- in the last 6 months he keeps saying it is all me. He acknowledged that we need boundaries. again, shocked- for 25 years if I mention the word boundary he acts as though I said FU. He also asked if he needed to step in since I am still dealing with stuff. And I said no, I've got it, and I said that I don't think we are ready for that yet, that we should work on our marriage and he should work on his depression and then when we are stronger we can work with our counselor on these issues. He asked what boundaries I thought we needed (umm, hasn't he been listening for 25 years?) and I said lets put that on the back burner and take care of him and us and deal with the rest later. The only thing I will take a stand on right now is when it effects our children's safety. (for example the inlaws don't believe in seat belts in cars and this is an ongoing battle.)

He held my hand briefly yesterday, hugged me, and asked me to go out to dinner with him next weekend. Again, the conversation was initiated by him, very heavy talk, but I stayed non-emotional, expressed myself AND validated him. I ended it by saying "thank you for talking to me, I am glad that you felt like you could share your thoughts and feelings with me, thank you."



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Photo,

It's interesting reading your updates above, in an odd way it sounds to me like you no longer really have any interest in reconciling at this point. You definitely seem to have detached, maybe actually have gone well past the point of the typical definition of detaching as discussed here.

Is it just the depression and recent drinking thing that has made you so over H, or is there more to this? I just re-skimmed your sitch but I dont see (or I missed it), but has H been to IC or even started to work on him at this point? I know you've mentioned it above, and I agree, that nothing else matters now other than for H to start to reflect and work on his own issues.

Regardless, you sound like you're in a great place emotionally right now, so congrats on that accomplishment!


Me:36 W:30
M:2.75 T:7
BD: 4/2015
ILYBNILWY: 5/2015
W Moved Out: 5/2015
W filed for D: 7/2015
jedi #2594293 08/04/15 04:31 PM
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Jedi, I do still want reconciliation. I still love H. But I have lost respect for him and gained respect for myself which changes my perspective. He is in IC. He is extremely stuck in "victim" mode and very dependent on his parents emotionally.

In the last 8-9 months I have experienced : my daughter had an emotional breakdown and was in a partial hospitalization program for 9 weeks, my husband had a depressive breakdown and first vented for months how he "hates" our daughter, then switched his hatred to me, he also told his parents he wished they were dead, my husband had an EA, my In laws have ganged up on me and vented hatred and some seriously twisted emotions on me, my husband started drinking heavily and raging at me. I have heard my husband, daughter, and now my 11 year old son express suicidal thoughts. I have spent countless hours listening to everybody, driving people to counseling, reading every self help book available, doing 180's, GAL, taking care of my kids, praying, reaching out in positive ways to friends, pretty much holding everyone together and taking care of myself and acting with love.

I am NOT saying I didn't contribute to the breakdown of our marriage- I am NOT saying H does not have any valid points- or that I handled the sitch with my IL's well, I am a flawed person and I am seriously and very humbly working on myself. I carry a lot of that on my shoulders and I do NOT let myself off the hook.

But. I am not a martyr to my marriage either. My daughter's mental health is slipping again (she is still way better than she was) and I can see clearly how when her mental state slips, my H's mental health slips even further. I can see clearly how when H gets off the phone with his father he withdraws from me. I can see clearly how when H drinks, he vents rage at me, mostly blames me for his mother's health issues and my daughter's health issues.

There is no forgiveness in his words or actions, only hurt, there is no willingness to work on himself, only blame. And meanwhile, my daughter is slipping again, my 11 year old son is depressed. I need to take care of my kids. I don't need a 46 year old kid, I have 3 actual children who need me. And I need some kind of life and some breathing room where I am not blamed for every freaking thing that has gone wrong in the world.

I have never stopped loving my H. I can't imagine that I ever will. But he has nothing to offer me right now. It is sad to see him struggle, it is sad to see him cope in unhealthy ways, and to withdraw and drink and smoke and isolate himself. But these are the choices he is making.

Last night we were invited to a friend's house for a campfire. H decided to stay home because he was tired. I went with my children, my daughter cuddled up to me on one side acting silly, my youngest son cuddled up to me on the other side, my other son running around the yard with my friend's children sharing tales from boy scout camp and we all spent close to 2 hours laughing and just being together. Silly kids jokes and just general small talk. Came home to H sitting on the sofa, he looked like he had been crying.

I do want to reconcile, but with who? This new depressed H who hates me? Or the old H who tbh was a good man but not really emotionally checked in even when things were going well? I am hoping for a new H in the future, who has kicked the depression, has taken himself out of the victim mentality, and who wants to spend time with me and the children. That is my hope but who knows if it will ever happen? He is in IC, is on antidepressants, has once again agreed to stop drinking, has broken up with OW. So maybe in time he will heal. But as for now I am detached.



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I didn't realize how much I wrote! Thanks to anyone who has the patience to keep up with it. On a side note, the more I think about his EA, the more pathetic it is. They bonded over their "victim" status. They bonded over discussing how terrible their spouses are, and how disconnected they both are from their parents due to bad childhoods. They encouraged each other to reconnect with their parents, claimed it was "much more than an EA but a therapeutic partnership" (really, those are their words, not mine, therapeutic relationship over bottles of wine in fancy restaurants while lying to their spouses, yeah right). Well, I don't know how that is working out for her, but I sort of wish in a twisted way that I let her have him so she could be dealing with my IL's now. I am sure that would have lasted all of 5 minutes. And I'd love to see how she would relate to my OCD daughter. I really wish I let him have her, one day in reality would have busted that bubble.

I really am doing better emotionally but I am so sad over all of this. All of it, the EA is the least of it to tell the truth, just pushes my buttons but I know the issues with depression and my IL's are the bigger issues. Continuing to work on myself. I get it.



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An old friend is back in town to visit. She just posted on Facebook how happy she is to get her favorite drink from her favorite restaurant. Its the place H and his EA used to go together. An innocent Facebook comment just brought back all the pain and turned my stomach. This will never go away, will it?

He's passed out on the sofa right now, since walking in the door at 5 pm, apparently too exhausted to barely even say hello.



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