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Cristy #2593019 07/31/15 02:43 AM
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little1 Offline OP
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Saw H today. He came over and took dd18 to dmv. She TM'D and asked if he would. He got dressed and came right over. That is the first time since he left he has done that. That and started to spend time with the kids. When he got here (and even when they got back) I went into the bedroom and did "busy" work. Both times he followed me and talked. Mostly about work but hey it's a start. I listened. No questions etc. That's why I went in there because I know I will want to ask questions and that is what sent him running back.

When he takes the dd's off for whatever, I do not quiz them on what is said etc. I figure that's their time and they might stop it if I do that. Dd18 did actually say something today. She said "Dad looks defeated." .When I asked her what she meant she said he looks sad and broken. I asked where she heard that. It's not a phrase I ever use. She said that is how her friends describe her and she said it wasn't untiltodayy, looking at her dad, that she understood what it meant. I told her ok and let it go.


I never hear from him at all after seeing him. This evening he has been TM'ng off and on. Again small talk but still. Plus I know the scallywag and her adult daughter and grandchildren are there so.

No expectations. No pressure. I can't help him but to shine the light. Otherwise he is on his own.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593020 07/31/15 02:45 AM
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little1 Offline OP
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I did cry today though.

After H left, ds2 stood in the window and cried saying daddy please come home.

All I could do was hold him and cry while he did.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593041 07/31/15 03:33 AM
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Stay strong little1, but know that strong doesn't mean a lack of tears. Quiet the opposite. The board has cried a river of tears in our situations and there's nothing more healing, so let them flow.

Sorry you're having to go through all of this, especially with someone so you in the picture. My heart goes out to you. Keep posting like you've been doing and sharing your journey, the people on this board are lifesavers.

Big hug to you,

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2593227 07/31/15 08:45 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Went to the doctors today and she refilled some and changed some. Just waiting for them to be filled.

H is distant and short with me. Apparently yesterday he was asking to spend some time with just me, but I can't speak idiot code, I completely missed what he was saying. Today when he said I missed what he was saying, I asked why he didn't just come out and say it and he got short. I stopped talking to him. What could I say?

I keep reading the threads and all and it seems I mostly see WAW. Is there one from a husband who walked away and came back or at least what they, the H, went through. I am just kinda curious. I know this is about healing and working on me, but I would like to know the other side. I know everything and everyone is different but sometimes it helps.

I have never seen him like this. And never for this long.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593232 07/31/15 08:55 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Oh yeah I forgot.
I went to the pound today, just to look and adopted a dog. Thought maybe it would be helpful for me and the kids. And I saved her life. smile


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593263 07/31/15 10:02 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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When I said I have never seen him like this. And never this long that should be clarified.

He has been depressed before but not this long of a time.

The way he is right now I have never seen at all before. Hi have never seen him this low.


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593284 07/31/15 11:42 PM
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Ts just an all around bad day. I have this awful feeling of dread come over me and I just cant shake it. I want the pain, hurt, and thoughts to stop. I don't understand and I wish I did.

How could Dec 2013 we were happy and he was telling me he loved me to Jan 2014 she's in the picture? How can he walk away from his children and seeming not care? I am so scared that there will be a knock on the door and I will be being served with papers. How could a man who despises liars, 1. be involved with a liar. 2. be such a liar. How can I be that lighthouse beacon to show him the way when for the last month it feels like he is only talking to me out of pity and I really don't want to talk to him when I feel that way. Why does it feel this is never going to end and the OW won? Why does everyone say I am the lucky one. I still have contact with my H and papers are not filed.

Yes I want my husband home.
Yes I want my family together
Yes I believe we can move forward
Why can't just once I get what I want instead of everyone else getting what they want first?


Sorry for the pity party


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593509 08/01/15 10:17 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Today is better than yesterday. Feeling a little better. Not great but I will take it. Iwhave been reading the threads again. I like seeing other answers and suggestions and whatnot. Helps with ideas and guidance.

I have come up with some GALS I think.

1. Stop smoking...started meds yesterday. I have wanted to do this for a while and had talked to H about it before he left.
2. Clear yard...then I can do my original plan and set different plant beds for me and the kids to work. Like dd15 has a cactus garden.
3. One night a week meet a friend at our coffee house for a couple of hours. Then expand on that.
4. One.Day a weektake ds2 to the train park to play on the train then to the regular park

How do those sound?


Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593525 08/01/15 11:18 PM
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little1 Offline OP
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Journaling.

Someone please tell me when the aliens are going to drop my H off. I don't understand. The man I love with all my heart, who can't lie, and hates liars is one. He looks me in the face and lies. He looks his father in the eyes and lies. Keeping tthat in my mind has helped me to work on detaching and letting go. I am not giving up on him or us. But if I don't back away I will lose my mind. But at the same time it feels like I am giving up and I don't want that.

I find it kinda of humorous that I feel like the other woman minus the ML. He talks to me and hides his phone. Deletes messages. Passwords his phone. Changes all passwords regularly. Why? I know now that he is cake eating and I have to pull away. I am already in the back of the bus so I should go ahead and get off the bus. But then I think about what V said. The closer and more cooperative H and I are the more the real her will emerge. This will burn it self out. That I do believe.

Need to create space. Need little1 space. Working on that. Fake it until I make it.

I read Sandi 37 and the things I should not (and don't) do, I see him doing instead. It's like he is the one pursing but I don't know. I would just like some movement.

Last edited by little1; 08/01/15 11:20 PM.

Me 44
H 46
3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

My fight song "roar"
little1 #2593536 08/02/15 12:28 AM
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Little

Yes I do think in some sitches closeness of the W to the WH will seriously interfere in an A, destabilising it. OW do have an advantage they are the fancy cake whilst the W is the plain Vanilla. I have done this with my WH on a couple of occasions but OW are numerous and easy to chase and catch. It is much better to let the A burn itself out that will give you time to work on you.

Triangulation is exactly the dynamic of W to OW conflict,. That tactic has a very great price to pay for you, don't play, take yourself from the game. I am advocating pleasant ordinary interaction with WH that is usually enough. WH has to be ready to come back and be aware of his actions. From your description WH returning would cause you great problems and he is by no means atoning, he is playing the triangle in this orchestra. Don't be fooled, you say yourself WH lies.

I also maintain if this OW goes there will likely to be a vacancy. Try to work Sandi guidelines too as you are becoming someone only a fool would leave, this gives you strength.

Please reread about triangulation mainly because many WH like that dynamic and I think your WH is one. Detach and get some peace.

You DB for you, this is to help you to become. As you develop and grow within you will be the seeds of change then your dynamic with your WH will change. My greatest concern is control by your WH and any other person.

My greatest hope for you is independence and freedom to live your life and speak your mind. I see the small green shoots in your posts. I can see you beginning to reel from the effort, it's very tiring to have so much contact with WH. It depletes energy and positivity.

Breathe deep blue breaths of peace and rest your mind and body.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/02/15 12:30 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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