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Hello fine folks. I know I should probably keep this as short, and to the point as possible, but I have literally nobody to talk to, and I need to vent.

My wife and I have been living together for 10 years, and married officially for 2. We have a son, and daughter who are 7, and 3 years old.

Im a stay at home father. She is a very responsible career woman. We have both cheated on each other in the past. Me twice, and her 3 times(that I know of). We worked through it. We have had lots of ups, and downs. Our children love us so very much. She has been an amazingly dedicated bread winner, and everybody tells me what a great daddy I am to be able to play the role I play (even though I feel bad for not earning the money).

SO anyway about three weeks ago I noticed she was clearly hiding her phone from me. Just when Id come to bed she would immediately turn it off, and even lay on it so I couldnt see it. I just made a mental note, and said noting.

A couple days later we had plans to go fishing. She dropped my kids, and I off at the lake, and said she had to go to one of her stores to handle an issue at work. I was suspicious.

When she got back her hair was messed up, and she was just ready to go home. She seemed in a bad mood, and a little crazy to be honest.

On the ride home I asked her if she had anything in her life she needed to admit. She rolled her eyes, got mad, and called me paranoid. That night she was being funny with her phone again, and I couldnt be cool anymore. I asked her if she was cheating again, and she blew up on me, and announced that she didnt want to be with me anymore! Our kids heard her, and started crying. She packed them up and left.

About an hour later I started getting text messages. Here are some of them.

Her: I went to my dads house. I cant be around you right now.
Me: Im so confused, and hurt baby.
Her: Im going through things too. We need to discuss some stuff.
Me: I can forgive you for anything if you will just not lie to me.
Her: I am so sorry.
Me: For what my love?
Her: I dont know what the hell is wrong with me I just cant keep this up anymore. I feel like a need to explain and maybe we can figure something out.
ME: I would appreciate an explanation.
HER: Im going through things, and I love you, but I cant keep hurting you this way.
ME: So you ARE cheating?
HER: No but I dont want it to happen either.
ME: You are thinking about it?
HER: I just need more attention from you. There is nobody else. dont worry about that.
ME: Ive heard that before.
HER: I want this to be civil. I know you love these kids, and I wont keep them from you. I wanted to spend time with you, but you are always so tired, and angry. We have both been unhappy for a long time now. Maybe we just need to seperate for a while and see if i really want to divorce you.
ME: Dang baby I wish you would come to your senses. I love you so much.
HER: Get a job, put the kids in daycare, stop playing xbox, and smoking in the house, sleep in the same bed as me EVERY night, and stop yelling so much, and then MAYBE I can "come to my senses".

I was so confused, and wanted to KNOW why she had been hiding her phone, so I hacked into her email, and found out she had a profile on a dating site. On it she was proclaiming herself divorced.

I think I literally had a minor heart attack. I was all alone with no wheels, and in the middle of the country. In my sorrow I hacked her profile and deleted it.

At this point she starts texting like crazy.

HER: How dare you hack into my stuff?
HER: We are separated!
HER: Its not what you think anyway.
HER: RESPOND TO ME DAMN IT!!!
HER: Im so sorry
HER: I deserve death and hell
HER: You are an awesome daddy, but you neglected your wife
ME: Even if thats true I dont deserve this.
HER: i know Im just crazy I guess.
ME: I hate myself for how deeply I fell for you.

I couldnt sleep that night at all. My mind wouldnt turn off. The next day she brought the kids home, and went straight to work. That night when she came home she said she had a surprise for me. It was a used car. She said shes sorry she left me stranded with no wheels.

At the exact time I was about to let that gesture soften me up her phone rang, and it said ALEX on the screen. She got all wide eyed, and started trying to hide it, but I had already seen. She then said "ok Matthew Im not gonna lie no more. There is somebody else, but I havent even met him. We are just talking".

Heart break all over again. I started asking why, but she just got in her car and left. The next day I called her at work, and learned that she was on vacation. I started calling her but just got no answer. Same with texts and emails.

Then after she had been missing in action for 4 days I get a set of picture messages of her, and her sisters, and their father at the beach. She starts telling me about how much fun she is having, and how she misses me and the kids. She tells me shes so sorry she hurt me again.

I had been home with the children for this whole time wondering where she was, or if she was even allright. My kids were so confused, and obviously worried sick. I had to be strong for them, but I still cried a little, and my son would tell me "cowboy up daddy. Cowboys dont cry remember". What a blessing he is.

When I got the kids to sleep I wrote her a love song, and emailed it to her. She texted me that it was beautiful guitar playing, and singing, and it made her cry. She said she hates to see me so hurt.

When she finally came home after a total of 6 days gone I saw she had dyed her hair blonde, and got a tattoo on her breast.
I was stunned, and basically in shock. I was disgusted, and didnt want her at that moment. Then she reached out and took my hand and I just melted. What can I say? I love the crazy woman.

We talked that night and she confessed to having gone on one date, and that nothing happened because there was no connection. I dont believe anything she says anymore. She says she loves me, but dosent want to be with me anymore. She says she dont feel connected to me. She says this other dude is a gentleman, and isnt trying to get in her panties like I always do.

I have been soooooooooooo sad, but Im done crying, and trying to talk to her. Im done writing songs for her. I want her to want me, and only me so bad. I want her to stop this, but she seems unwilling to. She came home late last night drunk as a skunk, and wanting to have sex. I was disgusted. She got mad when I refused. This morning she was still mad when she went to work.

Im sorry for the long post. Im desperate for advice, and/or compassionate guidance because I have literally NOBODY in this world. I have no friends to talk to. My life revolves around my family. ALL I do is tend to these kids 24/7-365. Somebody please help me.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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mattdad Offline OP
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Thank you for the response cadet. I see that I have broken so many of those rules already these last few days.

Its easy to say GAL, but the fact is that we live in the middle of nowhere, and I am always broke unless she gives me money. There is nobody else to babysit, and she CANT/wont do it. Every time the kids are alone with her the either hurt themselves or brake something expensive. I dont see any possible way to GAL to be honest.

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Matt -

You can still GAL. Stop smoking, start exercising. Perhaps there are things around the house you can start doing more. Explore cooking, gardening, etc. These are all things I've done and my W has noticed. You don't need to be elsewhere to transform yourself.

I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation. I've been with my wife 22 years. Stay the course, you cannot change her thinking. She needs to understand what she will lose. you sound like you are a great father, as am I.


T:22 M:17
Me: 44YO Her: 42YO
1 son 13YO
BD 5/16/15
Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15
Her: ILYBNILWY
Joined: Feb 2015
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I feel your pain, but there has to be a way, you need to man up and look for a job, leave the kids with her, unfortunately that's part of the pain we must face when kids are involved.

But you need to look for a job and have her figure out to pay for a babysitter, don't just wait around! That's part of GAL

I will pray for you!


M35 W33 S14 D12
M14
ILYBNILWY 07/14
BD 7/14
S 5/15

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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I have put in applications at every place I can in the tiny little town we live near. Hopefully I can get hired on at the grocery store, gas station, or Dairy Queen. God that is so pathetic that this is what Ive been reduced to.

I was a champion bull rider, and all state football player. Guys I use to rodeo with have gone on the become wealthy. I could have done it too. Now Im hoping a freaking gas station in a tiny town calls me for work.

Im starting to think maybe I shouldnt fight for her. After all I am ripped, and handsome, and she is fat, and unattractive. I WISH I could stop loving her.

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mattdad Offline OP
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I have stopped smoking, and playing video games. Im actually very surprised at how easy it was when faced with her betrayal. I dont even WANT a cigarette no more. I have been working extra hard at keeping the house cleaner. Its not like I dont understand that Im flawed too. Im working, and I know she is noticing because I heard her tell her dad that I am being so perfect that it has her thinking.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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mattdad...i'll post my own thoughts later...but 2 things I think are CRITICAL.

1. Read Sandi's thread about WW's vs. WAWs. It is in Cadet's homework links above. MUST READ.

2. Read BEClem's last post. This gives you an inkling of how far aliens have abducted your former partner (it's over when they say it's over. PERIOD. The sooner you think that way the better.)

3. Get a DB Coach. Use a phone that doesn't show on her bill so she can't see the number which will lead her to this site. Clear your history, etc. But a DB Coach is a must. If you don't have money since she's the breadwinner ask family or friends. Seriously. It's less expensive than a lawyer (which you may need sooner than you think).

If I seem negative I'm not. Prepare for the worst, only then can you work towards the best. Denial will not help you deal with your sitch.

Keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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It sounds like your M is very toxic Mattdad. Honestly I feel for your kids to be stuck in the middle of this.

There's one way you can start fixing this - not cowboy up but grow up. You're ripped and handsome and she is fat and unattractive? That is how you publicly speak about the woman you are fighting for?

You say all you do is tend to your kids 24/7 365 but there's time for smoking and video games?

Take a deep breath, get some perspective. Some real perspective. Your wife is dating and on dating sites, dying her hair, getting tattoos, and disrespecting you. You just disrespected her here in your last statement. You both sound like you've got a lot of growing up to do.

You can't fix her, but you can start being respectful of yourself. Start reading threads on here, start reading all of Cadet's threads and every book that a vet recommends on here. EVERY single book. Then put those books into action. Consistent action.

The changes you make will appear to be bullchit to your wife until she's seen them for so long they are the new normal. Become the gentleman because you want to.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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