M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Its been a few weeks since I contacted the attorney and stbx was supposed to go in to meet.like I predicted, no word and I'm pretty sure he never went. We've been friendly and he let's it go. I'm going to push for it. I'm contacting her tomorrow. I need it over to truly move on. I'm also really mad because my kids asked that he not have his girlfriend over for the weekend when they are there period that lasted two weeks and she's here. I'm sure she does not care what my kid wishes does't, comes anyway and he doesn't say anything. H probably doesn't day kids don't want her there. I don't get it how she can be so desperate to drive 3 hours every other weekend to be up here and he does not go there to see her.She had 2 young kids herself. I feel bad for my kids I told them that if they wanted me to pick them up I would and maybe then he would listen to them. But they never want to hurt his feelings. They don't care about mine they just care about his. She ruined our family but that doesn't matter. I'd rather see him with someone else.
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 08/14/1502:44 AM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm not surprised to come here and read that nothing has been done with regards to the lawyer, etc. They get miffed and state that they are going to do something and then it is swept under the rug in many instances. Your h is content w/the way things have been going...so why would he rock the boat?
The ow is "madly" in love w/your h, i.e., and wants a getaway to spend time w/him. She probably thinks he's so busy can't get away, so she comes to him or maybe the people in her life do not know about him and she wants to keep it that way. There could be all kinds of reasons why she would drive 3 hours to visit w/him.
I'm sorry about the visiting arrangements and she's there. He's not going to say anything to ruffle the ow's feathers. I hate to say this...but until she's out of his life, she's going to be there and either the kids don't go when she's there or they will have to find a way to deal w/her presence there. I know...it's not fair, but she's a part of his life right now and unfortunately, he's spineless won't say anything to her. BTW, he'll listen to what the kids say, but will tune it out the next time she comes to town.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job, yes, I do expected him not to do anything about the divorce. It's funny I really don't think it's about money, like my girlfriend tells me because he pays me the agreed support and I have the house and we split everything already, which isn't much because he didn't want anything.
As far as the girlfriend, she has introduced him to her kids, they call him Uncle M. Her family does know about stbx but her ex h supposedly is a little violent and she keeps him away from her house I guess. Although he has been there. As far as "madly in love" I think that's an understatement. She comes up here he works all day, does kids things in the evening( mostly with her sitting at home), and goes back to work in am. She has to be madly in love to see him in the evening for the few hours while he's awake because he goes to bed early. He's used to getting up for on his 3 days or 4 days on at work. I asked stbx if he was bringing her to my S 15 football game Saturday and he said no. So again she's up here to sit in this house while he is out doing whatever. I don't think she'll ever give up her hold on him. And why would he want her to if she just sits around and hangs out and wait for him? It's just like being married to him except when he's with the kids I was with him lol. I found out that gf was following my d 15 on Pinterest so I blocked her. Then she changed her photo to one oh her and stbx. thinking. Was going to bother me lol. To my surprise I felt nothing just thinking it was a bad picture of my stbx lol. I do have to say I looked at her Pinterest page and she has many many posts of being in love, wjat love is , and things about long distance relationships how they're hard but they work and it's worth every minute. Lol
You are correct he is content the way things are and nothing will ever change. I am going to contact the attorney today and get it started because I know he thinks I will never do that. Wrong watch out here I come. I don't expect that to change anything with us but I need to finalize this and move on. I can't say I would never want to reconcile my stbx because deep down I do still love him but it's time to move on.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, I didn’t realize your kids are 15 already. They must be very good kids to say that they don’t want to reject their Dad and hurt his feelings. You should be proud of them and yourself. There must be something you are doing to set a good example for them.
As for the ow being “madly in love”… I don’t know… After reading about her abusive h, I think that she is just the type of person who would cling to anyone who doesn’t abuse her. She will probably try to hold on for as long as she can. I don’t know about your H though… He might get tired of this eventually.
I can relate to you feeling nothing and thinking about the bad picture of your H. I had similar moments. I still think that I’m going to be hurt at first, if I see some romantic pictures of my H with some OW, since I didn’t have to experience this yet. But, I think I will get over it pretty quickly. I hope…
I admire your determination to finalize this and move on. I have to do this at some point too, as my H seems to be in the same “happy” mood as yours, thinking that this will last forever…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you for the kind words. Yes I have great kids and they love us both equally even so they know what happened with their dad and his gf. I might have confused you by saying her ex H is violent. Not towards her although he like my stbx is an alcoholic. I don't believe he ever was abusive to her. He just is not the greatest guy I guess. I guess my d 15 told my stbx today that she was going to stay at her girlfriends tonight because he had his gf there and said he told her that he wouldn't bring her around anymore and she's here. I guess he didn't say anything when she said that. I did find out that she drove the kids to school this morning. and went school shopping today for school supplies. I told the kids that was nice but I will be donating them to the school and buying them myself because I am their mother not her. I didn't need to see the notebook that she bought them everyday to be reminded of her. My daughter gets it but my son unfortunately doesn't. Which is funny because he was the one stole the number out of his dads phone and texted her messages to stay away from his dad. I know it's difficult for them and as far as stbx getting tired of it I don't know but you think that someday she would being the one who always had to make the effort to see him. I just need it to be over so I'm going to be the one that has to finalize the divorce I guess. Who knows maybe it will shock him into reality. I doubt it though. He seems pretty content who wouldn't to have somebody just do whatever they want and you be able to do what you want to do. Lol
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I really can't understand how someone who you've been in a relationship with for 20 years can be as cruel as they are, to bring the GF to my sons football game and tell me to get over it and move on and I should not care. Really? I know it will never happen but why can't the people who hurt us so bad ever feel the pain they have inflicted on us? It is just not fair. Yeah just move on like that like you just don't feel anything anymore. oh and I emailed the attorney to find out if he had contacted her and what the status was.
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 08/16/1503:37 AM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Just catching up with your situation. The tarot reading sounds fascinating, amazing the accuracy of some of her comments.
Personally, I think he is hurting a ton which is why he lashes out at you. However, you didn't cause his hurt and you can't fix his hurt. He is just upset that his life and his emotions are so out of control and he has no skills to fix them. It does feel unfair to be his target for the lack of fulfilment in his life. Continue to lead your life with honesty, openness and integrity - you will know that it really isn't you causing his anger and chaos.
Make sure you are ready for the divorce and not just doing it to "force his hand". I am still working thru this one. On one level I am ready to move on. On another level I want to shake him awake. I don't understand how so many of our mutual friends state with certainty that if he does this, he is going to regret this one day. Why can't he see this?!?
I admire what a great job you are doing with the kids. My D15 is getting frustrated with her dad and not taking his calls/texts. I know part of this is normal teenage behaviour. Teenagers start to seek more independence and use their peer group to help give them independence and support.
Keep inching the divorce along if it feels right. Slow down and take w breath if you need to.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Yes, the tarot cards trading was very interesting. I've never done it before. I would like to try it again to see what they say and if they match up. Kind of wish they would have said it's over don't try move on. Yes he goes back and forth one nice day, one mean and nice again..He has always tried to get along after an argument I do have to say. According to him and from what he said in the beginning he had no plans to bring her to the game until my S15 said she could come when I said I wasn't going. I know he likes her. She's nice he said. He's obviously forgotten...my bad for thinking he wouldn't! As far as a divorce yes I am doing it to shock him, but also it's time to finish it. Maybe that will help me move on as well. I just do not like him telling me to move on and get over it like you're just supposed to flip a switch. he never experienced the pain that we do. I truly believe he will never want to reconcile. he shows none of the signs that he did the first time we split up seven years ago actually now 9 years ago. my great working with teens is a whole nother bag of worms. It's funny that my d 15 now who has always been pro dad, is not wanting to be around him when she is there. I'm sure that is murder and jealousy and not for me lol Thank you for taking the time to read my sitch!
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 08/16/1503:07 PM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I guess stbx never went to attorney like I thought and she never responded to my request of an update....
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
So, what's your next step? Are you going to file or sit on the thought of filing for a while?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He filed already. it's just at a stand still. Maybe she will push him since I emailed. I'll send another soon and then ask what's my next step.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP I have not read your entire sitch, just the current thread so far. I was curious how long it has been since the last missed Court date, and if you two are using different attys?
I understand how you feel about OW showing up places, my H never thought that was something that I should have feelings about either. My heart breaks for your kids.
We have had every court date postponed since he filed in June 2014. The last one was canceled with no new date last October 2014. We have agreed on most and are using the same attorney. The attorney is the one who says we can't do something we agreed to. My stbx also seems to not follow through.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
not sure what it is that you want to do that you can't, so I can't comment there. It seems odd to me that no new court date exists and after all this time the case was not dismissed. If H doesn't follow through and you stop contacting your atty I am sure that it will be. It just depends on how long it takes the court to notice that a dead case is sitting on their docket. From what you say it has been almost a year. ( the court may have had catch dates that you don't know about) Again I do not know your full sitch, but rather than a divorce decree perhaps a dismissal will shock him? I can't help myself for being hopeful. you need to make your own decision.
Yes I know it's a bit odd. Stbx hired her but we are both going to use her since we agreed on most items. The attorney has an issue with my support being able to go back and review his pay. And to pay the kids child support as long as they're in school after 18. I cannot make attny do anything because stbx hired her. I too was wondering how long before it's actually dismissed in the court. I was told I cannot file on my own now because there is already a case open? Last time stbx and I talked about it he was just going to agree and be done. Nothing has been done as far as I can see.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Tuesday is my stbx 40th birthday. I found out today while I was at my sons football game that my sbx mother in law, sister in law, brother in law and of course the new girlfriend they're giving him a birthday party tonight. I had not taking the kids to get his gift yet. I thought long and hard about it and decided to go to the mall to get the football jerseys the kids wanted to give him so he could wear it tonight and watch the game. I also had an ulterior motive she would have to look at him wearing it all day knowing that I got it for him and dropped it off at the house with the card and of course that the three of us signed. I know that was being a little devious but oh well. Stbx told my son to text me right away and say he loved it and thank you very much. She has him on a bit of a lockdown and he cannot text or call when she's around. Stbx does the same and buys gifts for Christmas or birthdays Mother's Day. I did want to get it for him but yes I do have to say I use the opportunity to stick it to her. I just wondered how many others buy gifts for their acts on behalf of the kids and if that's normal?
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 08/23/1504:40 AM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Today my stbx came to pick up the trailer so he and my son can go cut/split about 3 cords of wood for the winter. Usually last 2 years. Nice of him!
I kind of had a flashback this last week when my girlfriend's daughter broke up with her boyfriend. I felt like she was living my life. Her boyfriend had a rough upbringing. They are 22. He likes to party, drink too much and hang out with his friend. He is verbally abusive to her as well. I had to tell her that is life with an alcoholic even high functioning is unhealtjy. She is young and does not need that in her life she can't change him, alcohol always win over our relationship. It was really sad as I was telling her this. She like me is a fixer and thinks that she can fix him.
I am also very codependent and grew up with an alcoholic father but she didn't. And I think it is easier for her to see now and end the relationship unlike me.
Also adding that my stbx was raised in an alcoholic family i to think he is codependent. Which makes sense as to why he always seems to come back, want to text,help out, etc and now go to get wood. All of this when he has a new "the love of his life" for the last almost 2 years. Maybe since she's long distance and the only sister on weekends he still needs a fix? I don't know? Yes unless I figure out my codependency issue and how to stop it will continue. Most of the "love" he was there but I just can't let him go and be a part of my life. My father left when I was young, alcoholic and verbally abusive and I guess that has affected me I don't want to lose stbx as being a part of my family. I am okay with the not being love heart but I don't want to lose him as a person in my life.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
The other day I had a text conversation with Stbx. It ended up making him mad. He yelled and called me the usual names. And I stop texting him and ignoring him. The next day text me good morning blah blah blah blah blah. I answered and one or two words. He obviously didn't think I should be mad?? Then the day after that he went to the football gamemail with our service S15. I texted I hope they had a good time and to see when they'd be home. He texted I'm sorry for getting mad the other day..
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I wish I could understand my stbx mindset and had a crystal ball. I continue to live my life and no longer ask or imply there will ever be an us. Almost 2 weeks ago we had an argent and again I asked when the divorce will be done. He again said you have to agree to 2 items. I said "fine I will'! He said he'd contact her that day and get it done. And like all the other times nothing! I have emailed the attorney and she ignores me, since it his attorney we are just both using her. I guess I need my own to get it done? He says is very happy and in love with his girlfriend and I can see that true. So why not divorce me? We have no relationship we barely talk. Its been 2 years. H came over yesterday to pick up the kids I talked to him for a minute with the dark black tunnel in his eyes. he really does not want to talk to me I asked him a few questions about a job interview he went on. He told me a little bit about it but it looked like I was giving him a root canal. As usual he never asks about me but I don't expect it. Not much is changed in his life he works about 7 days a week 12 hours a day. That says he's happy?
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 10/16/1505:08 PM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I would suggest that if you want the divorce finalized, then you need to get your own attorney. It's very evident that he's not going to do anything about it and since the attorney is on his dime...they aren't going to speak to you.
Is he happy? I seriously doubt it...but that's not your problem.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She agreed to do both sides since we agreed. Well originally agreed until she said we couldn't do some things we wanted. She used to reply to me but no doesn't. Yes I guess I will have to get my own attorney to finalize it. Since he doesn't seem to want to. Which I don't understand he's the one that left for someone else and wants the divorce the divorce. Now I have to spend money to get it done. She has the retainer and has not hit the limit yet so I don't know why she doesn't want to get it don hit the limit yet so I don't know why she doesn't want to get it done. I guess she's been paid so she doesn't care. He doesn't have to spend any more money.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Hi Not again please. I'm sorry to hear you are still experiencing barriers. I would agree that you need someone who acts for you alone, and who will move ahead as you (and no-one else) instructs. It's probably best to accept that you'll need to make a small investment in your own best interests and to move things forward.
From now on, this can free you from the current L, who will become your H's L if that's what he wants. I would be clear with everyone about your choice, so there is is no ambiguity. Once you have selected your L, you can just advise H and the L that X is now acting on my behalf in this matter. I think once you take control in this way it will end the understandable frustration you've been feeling.
Good luck with things xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your comment, I agree. It's probably holding me back as well since in my mind I wonder why he doesnt finalize it. One of the other reasons I have not pursued it is for insurance reasons. It looks like if I want to get it done. I will have to do it myself. For some reason he does not want to do it. You'd think after being with her for 2 years he'd want to get it done! He always says he wants it finished and behind him but does nothing!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
This is typical MLC behavior. They lack the energy and have the attention span of a gnat. There are a couple of reasons he doesn't want to finalize it: 1) expense; 2) it will be the end of any caking eating he's been doing; 3) he still wants to keep you on the back burner as Plan B if things don't work out w/the ow, even after all of this time; and 4) he doesn't want to come across looking like the bad guy if he pushes it through. If you do the work, he can then cry and moan that you were the one that pulled the trigger and ended it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
All is true I'm sure but the expense, as its already paid and no cake eating here!😆..never even tried!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
It's been a really log time since Iv'e been here. I am still married only because the paperwork hasn't been signed. We are supposed to be.
STBXH is now living with OW, she has moved here with her kids and living with STBXH. I still would do what it takes to have my family back together but it looks like it will never be.
Here is where I would like feedback. My STBXH is finally getting a job we sacrificed for. They do a background check and will interview me. I have the power to make him not be able to get the job. They will ask me if he was ever abusive or drink excessively including drinking and driving. Which he was. Do I just say nothing, or do I tell? I so want to be honest and have him not get the job for spite that we all sacrificed everything for years while he was in school/training? Or let him be happy and move on with his new love? I will not get any benefit of his new job maybe my kids will?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm sorry to read that the ow and her kids are living w/your h. Maybe this will help "the lust" bloom to sag and reality to set in. The fantasy of the "affair" is over and done with. At this time, you don't know what the future will hold, but who knows...he may wake up down the road and want to reconcile and ultimately you will be the one to decide yes or no on that...but again...that's a long way down the road, if ever.
As for background checks, you will not be the only one interviewed. You will need to be honest and advise them that you are separated and soon to be divorced. I find it interesting that they want to speak to the spouse. When I have background checks done, they talk to the neighbors, people I work with and my references because they know spouses will lie or tend to color things a bit, especially if they are separated.
So, if they come out and ask you about abuse, drinking and driving...you can honestly state that you do not know what he is doing since he's not lived w/you for quite some time. In the past, he enjoyed a drink or two and then leave it at that. If they ask about abuse, you can honestly say he has a temper and needs to let off steam. You do not need to elaborate unless they ask more to the point questions...but keep in mind, they will be speaking to others as well to determine whether he's going to work out for the company or not. They will also check for arrest records as well.
Be as honest as you can be without coming out and lying...this isn't being spiteful. They want to know what type of employee he is before hiring him. They don't want someone who will be a liability for their company.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry to read that the ow and her kids are living w/your h. Maybe this will help "the lust" bloom to sag and reality to set in. The fantasy of the "affair" is over and done with. At this time, you don't know what the future will hold, but who knows...he may wake up down the road and want to reconcile and ultimately you will be the one to decide yes or no on that...but again...that's a long way down the road, if ever.
As for background checks, you will not be the only one interviewed. You will need to be honest and advise them that you are separated and soon to be divorced. I find it interesting that they want to speak to the spouse. When I have background checks done, they talk to the neighbors, people I work with and my references because they know spouses will lie or tend to color things a bit, especially if they are separated.
So, if they come out and ask you about abuse, drinking and driving...you can honestly state that you do not know what he is doing since he's not lived w/you for quite some time. In the past, he enjoyed a drink or two and then leave it at that. If they ask about abuse, you can honestly say he has a temper and needs to let off steam. You do not need to elaborate unless they ask more to the point questions...but keep in mind, they will be speaking to others as well to determine whether he's going to work out for the company or not. They will also check for arrest records as well.
Be as honest as you can be without coming out and lying...this isn't being spiteful. They want to know what type of employee he is before hiring him. They don't want someone who will be a liability for their company.
Yes, I agree was am happy they are living together. It is finally reality. And he has to live with her kids full time. He is not very accommodating so others children.
This is a background check for Fire fighter/Paramedic. It is very extensive 200+ questions, lie detector and interviews with friends, family etc.
Thank you for your advise, I will keep in mind and do my best.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Of course be honest but restraint and brevity are your friends.
If he is not having to deal with you then that is of benefit to you right now.
Does him getting this job help benefit you? If you are married you can get insurance - is that a benefit for you?
The business of life and marriage have a different set of rules than matters of the heart. As time has gone on I realized I could not fix or manipulate things to change emotions. MLC is real and irrational and all about emotion. My only measure of control has been to keep my cool and conduct the business side of things with razor sharp focus. Each decision that has benefited me on the business side of life has ultimately helped me cope better emotionally. Do I wish it were different? Of course but this is my new normal.
The bonus of being focused on the practical is that it promotes detachment and strengthens you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
