I have not been on DB in months but wanted to update everyone that my wife and I have agreed to divorce. After more than one year of dealing with my wife's affair and her continued lies and dishonesty, I need to move. She has continued to refuse to provide any transparency and finally just said she is unhappy and wants a divorce.
I am making my focus my kids and myself (I have been for a while). We are going to use a mediator to keep things amicable and will put the kids interests first.
I have lots of emotions right now. I am sad but also relieved. I know that God has a greater plan for me. I will be in a honest, loving, and passionate relationship, with or without my wife. Or as I know now, without my wife.
Thanks you to Starsky, Train and everyone who has been there for me for the past 12 months. I really do appreciate all of the kindness that you have shown me.
Thank you Shodan
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Sho, I'm sorry to read this. What has been going on lately?
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
Shodan, I'm sorry to hear that. Has your W continued to have contact with OM then? As you know, ultimately it's you who gets to decide whether you want to stand for your M or not & I can understand either way. You've been there for a while and it's tough!
Keep posting & letting us know how you are doing. It's always good to hear from a former poster, even if the news isn't what you wished for..
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I actually think she has moved on to someone else but who knows. I don't really care at this point. I know this is the right move for me but of course, I know my kids will not like this. But the past year has been so unfair to them...she is very moody, never tells anyone where she is, does very little with the family. My kids are noticing things and it has gotten to a point where we need to just cut the cord and get one with it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My sitch has gotten movie level comical at this point. I discovered that my wife is having a second affair. She has my EZpass in her car and I finally logged in to see where she has been...so many lies. Nights she was supposedly working late or out with friends in the city she actually had taken an exit 20 miles west of our town. Days she supposedly went for a run with a friend in the city and ran some errands she was out there as well. One night when she supposedly drank too much and stayed at her friends she actually was out there as well.
I showed her the records and per usual, she denied everything. No really explanation but that I did not know what I was taking about. She is a different person.
I lost my temper a bit, called her several four letter words and told her to leave us. go off, do whatever she wants, but leave our family. We/I deserve so much better.
my advice to anyone in my sitch....LISTEN TO STARSKY AND THE OTHERS....I should have stood up to my wife long ago. Instead, she has moved on to affair #2.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Also, most counselors advise not to be specific with the kids until there is an actual physical separation. A general statement that Mom and Dad are trying to figure things out, it's not their fault, and they are loved is good.
Treat the divorce as a business transaction and leave it to the lawyers.
More later ....
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I started looking at condos/apartments last week. I told my W that I would move out. She wants the house and has said that she will go with a lawyer to get it. I know the court will award the house to her, so to keep things amicable for the kids, I agreed to move out but we will work with a mediator for the rest of it.
I texted her a few times with things that I was seeing and she commented that our situation su$ks. At night, we would talk and she would ask if this is really what I wanted. She is having second thoughts and wonders if this is just what people go through. She then commented that she thinks she needs some time to herself, effectively a separation. She said that she wants to miss me. She needs those feelings to really put the effort in.
I told her that since she wants the separation, then she should move out for a few months. I am continuing to look at places for me, but the options are poor. Either very expensive temporary housing or I need to rent a place and furnish it. I want to be near the kids so I can share 50/50 in the custody but my town has few options for condos/apartments.
In parallel, I am continuing to focus on me. I have made great strides and while I would prefer that my M work out, I also am 100% fine if it did not.
Advice/feedback?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Sorry to hear it turned out like this for you and your family. I’ve been following your threads since September and can say I went back and read every single post to your threads due to the similarity in our sitches.
A definite “thank you” goes out to Starsky and all the others who offered good advice throughout your ordeal. I know Starsky helped me realize I had to decide what was and was not acceptable in my marriage. I used his advice to clearly set my boundaries and I would live with the consequences of standing for something. I knew it was something that had to be done, but it is hard knowing it could lead to D and alternating homes for the kids.
I said all that to say the XW and I signed the final decree just this month. We did mediation and had the agreement in place by the end of February. She cheated, repeatedly, and I got to move out of the house. Go figure. I too thought it was best for the kids and their stability that she stayed in the house. None of this was easy, but I hope I can help since I’ve recently survived a similar ordeal. If you have questions, ask away.
I will say the whole concept $ucks but it does get better. I moved out in March and started the schedule with the kids. It’s not easy on the kids, and they have ups and downs, but they’re doing fine. But, as soon as I was out of the house and away from her, I could see things clearly. I got my appetite back and could actual sleep through the night without chemical assistance. Keep exercising and focus on your health and the kids. The boys and I go for a walk almost every evening I have them.
To keep this short for now (too late) I’ll end with this. I too was expecting an amicable D. But don’t expect that to happen with sunshine and lollipops. I had to fight like hell for my lopsided agreement. It was a grind the whole time. I was in the same frame of mind I think you are in, you really don’t care about the stuff, and you’d give it all away to have an intact family. But Sho, that’s not the hand you and your kids were dealt. Don’t expect amicable from someone so selfish that she repeatedly crapped on your marriage and family to have her affairs. All the lying and cheating doesn’t just stop. My XW just got angry at me for wanting a fair shake. I experienced the same alien takeover of the person I thought would never betray me and my family.
Your marriage just turned into a business transaction, a horrible business transaction. Sorry bud. I’ll keep you and your kids in my T&P.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
Guys, guys... Why are you moving out of the family home when it's your wives who want to split? Have you checked with an attorney that it is certain the cheating S will get the home? Why not stay in the home and file for full custody, if the WAW is showing little interest in the children for a full year?
H kept saying that his ex was a good mother (at least she's *that*). She was not, she was/is mentally ill and has damaged their children severely through her abuse. I think he felt it would just be too harsh to say she was a lousy mother and should not have custody. His children have paid a high price for this.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, Just to clarify, I didn't just give up the house, and I would not suggest that should happen in these situations. With mine we shared a bed up to the day I served her the papers. She asked me to leave the house during the D. I told her she should be the one who leaves since she abandoned the marriage. She would only leave if the kids went with her. I disagreed. At that point she set up a bed in the extra room. There she stayed (the nights she was home) until I moved out.
I did the DB thing even after I filed for D. I decided to give her a chance to come around up until the moment we walked into mediation. I even told her that was my plan regarding our marriage, that filing for D was not me giving up. Step into mediation, then it became all business. Remember that whole amicable thing? She acted like she didn't really want the house up until that day. I had a few pre-planned scenarios and in most she kept the house. I wanted the kids half time, that was my concern, so I used the house to get it. Being a male in Texas, 50/50 is the best I really hoped to get. The XW is crazy, I don't know who she is anymore, but she still seems to care for the kids, so good for them. I hope she levels out, maybe she has.
So she has the house. Good for her. I just want off the note so I can get me a fixer upper and put my energy into literally rebuilding a home. That will be therapeutic for a guy like me. Life rolls on. I think Sho is right, God has a plan. Problem is, people have free will.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
Shodan, I have not logged on in months and I just saw your update. I am sorry. I feel somewhat of a bond with you since we were going through our situations at the same time. I know how horrible it feels to watch your wife become an "alien" that you don't recognize. For what it's worth, what finally snapped my wife out of it was my depression lifting and her seeing me moving on as well as being pursued by other women. I genuinely decided to move on, gave her zero attention and was starting to live a fun life without her. That is when her "feelings" came back. I let her twist for weeks without responding and she eventually agreed to everything and anything for me to give her another chance. We have been piecing since April but I am finding it hard to fully give her my heart and trust. I have found that there are no easy roads out of this mess.
I wish you strength, peace and happiness. Youre a good man Sho, you will find it.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
Onguard, Thank you coming and giving an update. It always help to hear DB working. I am happy you made it this far. Hopefully you can get through the peicing now.
I would like to read your story. Can u provide a link.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Thank you to everyone for their kind words. The past few weeks has been pretty crazy.
First, my wife started seeing a therapist and told me that she does not want a divorce. She said she hit rock bottom and realizes that she has been awful these past several months. Seeing me look into apartments made her realize the gravity of the situation. She told me that she knows that she needs to work hard to earn back my trust.
Second, my wife gave me the code to her phone. This is not full transparency clearly. When she gave it to me, I said thank you, kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I need to think about my next steps on this piece.
So, she says she wants to work on the M. I am staying the course, focusing on me. If this does work out, I know it will be because I truly dropped the rope and focused on me. For several months, I paid this lip service but did not man up and actually do it. Now, I have the confidence and strength to lead but I did not when this first happened.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Here is an update...this morning I logged into her phone and saw an email forwarded by the OM (her ex from college). He sent an email thread to her from Dec 2014. Nothing in his forward email, but the email thread from Dec 2014 was pretty detailed and "romantic", full of soulmate and I love you comments. I went to our room, told my wife that I had checked her phone as I said I would, and I saw the email. She said he must have sent it b/c he is blocked from her phone. I told her that she needs to send him a no contact letter, that we will both will approve. She agreed to do this. I told her that I would find a good template and we would sent it tonight.
I then asked what had spurred his email...there had to be some trigger. At first, she said that she had not seen him in months but then finally admitted that she has been seeing him again recently. He apparently is separated from his wife and moved in with his parents about 20 miles from our house. She had called him ~two weeks ago to break things off. I reiterated again why this needs to be done via letter/email, not on the phone, and that she is not to see him ever again.
But of course she became defensive again, said that I had "broken" into her phone, which is not something she would ever do. I told her that I checked her phone as we discussed that I would do and said that she has a lot to do to earn back my trust and if she has an issue with that, then we need to stop this process now because it will not work. Trust and honesty is the bed rock of all relationships. Without it, we have nothing.
so where are we...she left today saying that she wants to make our marriage work. I said that is good but there are parameters in which she needs to live and if she cannot do that, then I want no part of our marriage. We are at the beginning stages of potentially repairing our marriage. I cannot control her, only myself.
Thoughts/advice?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Hi Shodan, wel she's not 'all in' from what you post. She's in contact with OM, she's being defensive, she's telling lies, being critical of you. For all of those reasons, I don't think you should be pressing ahead too far either. Why would you want a R on that basis?
Has she agreed to actually send a NC letter to OM? If she willingly does that, I think it is a step forward. I also think she needs to sign up to letting you know of any further contact - or maybe taking steps to forward anything else into a mutual box that you both have access to.
The thing that seemed to make a difference in your sitch was you being willing to be all done and look for appts etc. That seemed to shock her back in - but she sounds a way off - 'what will it take for us to repair this; I'll do anything....' And is anything less than that okay for you?
Hopefully a vet will stop by and give you some better advice than I can though....take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This morning, I may have backtracked a bit. I woke up to find a text from the OM (I had checked her phone). I deleted the text but then told her about it since she told me that he was blocked. Clearly he was not. She told me she had to reboot her phone, so perhaps doing that undid the blocking.
I then asked when she was going to send the NC email. She said that she wants to do things her way and would rather let it "die on the vine". She said that I am pressuring her and pushing her away. I told her that I am not going to share her with anyone, so if she will not send the NC email, then I will move out and we can start the divorce process.
Of course, I would like to trust her and how she wants to proceed but how can I trust someone who cheated and lied. .I don't want to pressure her but then again, if she cannot send the NC email, (1) how can I trust her and (2) what does this mean about her feelings for the OM? To address #2, I know she fell in love with him and probably does not want to hurt him, but I have no sympathy for that. If she is serious about us, she should want to do this.
Ultimately, on one hand I know that I need to separate and move out. On the other hand, I want to be patient and let the repairing process work itself. Repairing a marriage takes a lot of time.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I would love some feedback from others if anyone has it. I am a bit torn to be honest. My wife is "trying" but she still is not obliging by my parameters. She needs to send the NC letter but would rather let it die on the vine. Am I crazy to think that this could work out without following the steps? Should I be patient and focus on me, being a leader, being a man? I know actions speak louder than words. OR should I move out b/c she has not done everything that I have asked? I am tempted to say "while I appreciate the changes you have made, seeing a therapist, giving me access to your phone and email, etc., this still does not work for me. I will be in a committed and honest relationship with or without you. At this point, I don't want to be in this relationship with you. I am moving out,..."
Any thoughts or advice?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My W had no problem sending the NC letter so I am unsure what the hang up is with your W. But mine was a very short lived EA so it didn't take as much to get her out of the fog. And she only sent it after the OM kept trying to contact her. He was blocked on the phone and FB and only I could see he was trying to make contact.
Have you had contact with the OM? Does he know you are aware of the A? At his next attempt to contact her maybe you respond to him from your phone that your wife's attorney will be sending him a cease and desist letter if he continues to try to contact her. And that all messages are forwarded to you (maybe a lie, but WTH it may work). I realize this is not DB type advice where your W is suppose to decide to do this. May let someone else weigh in on this strategy.
Last edited by mvgfwd2; 09/08/1504:13 PM.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Sho, I keep pulling for you man, but this screams of $uck. I like the no contact letter, better yet from her attorney, and if she won't do that it's a serious red flag. While we have attorneys brought up, suggest that the only way you'd feel comfortable moving forward is with a post-nup that basically lines up how the D decree will read should it come to that. It would lean in your favor of course, but if she's truly committed to fixing things, she should have no trouble with that concept. However, you can't get a no contact letter out of her, so the post-nup reaction is probably a foregone conclusion.
I called my XW's first AP, left him a firm but polite message that he would want to call me back and not mention it to my now XW. Oh, they freaked and she was pi$$ed. She wanted me to leave him out of it (Me!). DB1 was married with 2 daughters.
And realize there are apps designed to hide messages using the data feature instead of standard phone texts. Ask me how I know.
There's a saying about having your cake and eating it too. She only shows effort when she's losing cake. Right now she's eating cake and has Sho too.
You are not crazy. You laid out your boundaries honestly and now you want to stick to them. Good luck buddy. May the Starsky be with you.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
I would love some feedback from others if anyone has it. I am a bit torn to be honest. My wife is "trying" but she still is not obliging by my parameters. She needs to send the NC letter but would rather let it die on the vine. Am I crazy to think that this could work out without following the steps?
No, you're not crazy at all. All of us classic conflict-avoiders have that as our first instinct (I did!). We'd also be WRONG.
Yes, you should enforce your own core boundaries here. I think if you don't, you'll regret it. Besides, isn't it precisely that strong stance that has re-attracted her to you to begin with?
If it's "a" the right thing for you to do, and "b" simultaneously effective, isn't your course of action clear here?
Hi Sho, as always I bow to the wisdom of Starsky and Train. I guess my comment would be - what does 'die on the vine' look like in practice?
Does that mean still being in touch? The odd email? text? meeting up? Would you know about any of this?
For me, the period before BD where H was having an A and I didn't know has shown me one thing. I don't want to live like that. Nope, no, no thank you...not where H is secretly in touch with female friend(s). Never again for me.
So, would whatever 'dying on the vine' means, be ok with you? My other thought would be - if she doesn't want to send a NC letter, how about routing stuff from his number/email to an open account that is fully available for you to see? I'm no vet, but might that be a way through the impasse?
However, it may not be the NC letter itself that is the sticking point here - more your W's unwillingness to do that, and what it says about where she's at.
I agree that the strong and decisive stance was attractive and you should channel your inner John Wayne my friend.
Good luck with whatever you decide....rooting for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My waw was, at one time, head over heels in love with her ap. He broke it off with her but she was pining for him for months afterward. Big time. Finally, MY feelings began to change. MY love for her started to fade. All of a sudden I genuinely did not care what she was doing and simultaneously felt confident that I could be happy without her. I realized that I was her plan B and I refuse to be anyone's plan B.
I never moved out of my home but I did ignore her completely and began to live my life to the fullest without her. I stopped asking for transparency from her. I didn't ask where she was going or where she had been. I didn't contact her unless it had something to do with our kids or business. And then I kept it to a minimum. I ramped up my workouts and poured myself into my business. I took trips to see friends in Arizona and Florida. I updated my wardrobe. I went to the Kentucky Derby with friends. I made plans with my kids. When we were in the home together I ignored her completely. After about 2 weeks she began to show signs of interest. Her calling and texting increased. Her attempts to get my attention at home increased. I did not bend.
Finally she sent me an email of total capitulation. An "I will do anything and everything" email. I told her that we could start to have date nights once a week and see how it goes. And I will tell you that it has been one hell of a roller coaster since. We are piecing but we are far from out of the woods.
Sho, in my case her feelings had not died completely. Once she felt the reality of losing me forever it caused her feelings to return with a vengance. It took time for her feelings for her AP to die as well. I made up my mind that I was going to walk away and never look back unless she did a complete 180. I believe that was the key to getting her to feel in love with me again. She saw me strong, happy, confident and genuinely moving on without her. I was driving the fun bus and she was not on it. All of a sudden the reality of losing me and the great life we had built with our family and friends hit her like a ton of bricks. Again, this is how my situation evolved and yours may or may not unfold the same way.
If I were in your shoes I would definitely take a strong stance. As Starsky pointed out, it is the right thing to do and it is the thing that is most likely to work in getting her to pull her head out of her A$$. You need to walk away and mean it. She has repeatedly crossed the boundaries of your relationship and is still undecided about you and your M. If she contacts you then you can decide if you want to work on the M. But, it has to be her idea to make it work, not yours. You have held it together for long enough. It is time for you to let go of the rope. I would go no contact unless about kids or finances. I would GAL to the highest level possible. Do what you love to do. Become the best possible version of yourself in every way. Have total confidence that you are a good man and an outstanding catch for any woman and that you can and will be happy without your waw.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
Per usual, thank you to everyone for this great support and feedback. I really appreciate it. I consulted with a few lawyers today, re-engaging in a process that I backed away from last year. I know that I need to take a strong stand. What I am trying to figure out is what is that stand specifically. On one hand, I can give her the ultimatum (send the NC letter, go completely transparent or I am out) OR I can go dark, work on me, be manly, be a leader, etc. The latter is more passive while the former just gets straight to the point.
My third would be to file for D, which is an offshoot of the first option except it just assumes that she won't meet my parameters, so I am done asking. I am just moving forward.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
You don't have to file the D just yet to show how serious you are. Just "accidentally" leave the L business cards somewhere. It shows you are taking action independently. And go dim/dark and work on yourself. Put the meeting dates with L's on your calendar. If she asks just say you are figuring out your options.
Ultimatums and talking about what she needs to do are not very strong actions and you did that already. She doesn't believe your serious. Time for actions, not words.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I'd like to add that filing for D is an all-in move, and not something to be done as a bluff. It's the nuclear option. It's something you do because you've tried what you believe is reasonable and you are sticking to your morals and boundaries, and the situation is not acceptable to you.
Do not do it expecting her to snap out of the "fog". If she does react and want to save the marriage, then it's an all or nothing proposition as well. No half measures. You need to know what the road home looks like beforehand. In my mind, the list would start with: admitting to the A's (has she really?), send no contact letters (I like post-nup too), and change her phone #, e-mail, FB, everything that ties her to A's. That's just to start with. You might even have it written up. Do not share it with her unless she comes to you wanting to avoid the D. This is just for you, to know what the beginnings of reconciling looks like to you should it come up. You can't back down unless it's on your terms, and I wouldn't call that backing down.
I got this sort of advice back before I filed. It gave me pause, but after discussing with the few friends and pastor who knew of my sitch, it was the only option acceptable to me. Some people can tolerate their way in a M that lacks respect, faithfulness, and honesty. I am one who cannot. That's your decision, don't make it lightly, and don't expect it to snap her out of the "fog". What I've learned in the last year or so is that, odds are, she will not.
I had that understood in my mind before filing. My XW seemed stunned the first couple days but never backed off the A's. After she talked to an attorney, her entitlement never hit the brakes and was shiftin' gears. So much for amicable.
In a way, my XW made it "easy" for me. I felt horrible at first, but I do not regret my decision today. It's what I had to do. I believe one day my boys will understand. Good luck and God Bless, Sho.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
I'd like to add that filing for D is an all-in move, and not something to be done as a bluff. It's the nuclear option. It's something you do because you've tried what you believe is reasonable and you are sticking to your morals and boundaries, and the situation is not acceptable to you.
Do not do it expecting her to snap out of the "fog". If she does react and want to save the marriage, then it's an all or nothing proposition as well. No half measures. You need to know what the road home looks like beforehand. In my mind, the list would start with: admitting to the A's (has she really?), send no contact letters (I like post-nup too), and change her phone #, e-mail, FB, everything that ties her to A's. That's just to start with. You might even have it written up. Do not share it with her unless she comes to you wanting to avoid the D. This is just for you, to know what the beginnings of reconciling looks like to you should it come up. You can't back down unless it's on your terms, and I wouldn't call that backing down.
I got this sort of advice back before I filed. It gave me pause, but after discussing with the few friends and pastor who knew of my sitch, it was the only option acceptable to me. Some people can tolerate their way in a M that lacks respect, faithfulness, and honesty. I am one who cannot. That's your decision, don't make it lightly, and don't expect it to snap her out of the "fog". What I've learned in the last year or so is that, odds are, she will not.
I had that understood in my mind before filing. My XW seemed stunned the first couple days but never backed off the A's. After she talked to an attorney, her entitlement never hit the brakes and was shiftin' gears. So much for amicable.
In a way, my XW made it "easy" for me. I felt horrible at first, but I do not regret my decision today. It's what I had to do. I believe one day my boys will understand. Good luck and God Bless, Sho.
Sorry for hijacking this convo but I have a related questions. My H moved out (maybe with OW) and shows no interest in stopping A. Working with my DB coach I have see a couple of signs that he has not completely detached from me.
In July I filed for a legal separation so that I could get him to move out and protect my assets. Those were my personal boundaries. He countered filed for a divorce but little action has happened since until last weekend when he called to say his L said I need to file my financial forms. I'm filing those but letting him make the next move.
I have gone mostly dark and am GAL. Should I be bold and move D forward?
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
If you already have an active divorce action, then the pace with which it moves forward -- and who's moving it -- I don't think would constitute any sort of a "bold" move. Besides, as we noted above such legal moves should NOT be done as a mere tactic or even as a sole strategy -- it should only be done if you truly ARE done, and can no longer abide the unrepentant infidelity in your marriage.
He says it's ok to move at my pace. Only filed for the separation because H wouldn't end the A or leave the house. Morally and emotionally I couldn't live that way. H filed for D. Forcing him out was my bold move. I think all it did was move us to D quicker.
I believe OW recently moved from a other state here so maybe reality won't be so good.
Last edited by beckyb; 09/14/1502:07 PM.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
It has been a while since i posted. My wife did send the NC to the OM. He is blocked from her phone as well. My wife is seeing a therapist and frankly has turned back to her old self (for the most part). We have gone on date nights, walks and have planned a long weekend together without the kids over Columbus Day (she planned it). We are having fun but also talking about what happened, what lead our marriage down that path and what we are changing.
Now for the challenges...yesterday my W received a call from a friend in town who saw my picture on a dating site. When my W and I decided to D (before she came back asking to reconcile) I was on a dating site for maybe two weeks. Before my W and I decided to reconcile, I decided to get off of this site...regardless of where my relationship goes, I need to work on myself. When my W and I decided to reconcile, I told that I had been on these sites but that I had closed the accounts.
Unfortunately, her friend, who is divorced, saw my picture and just last night (one month later) decided to tell my W. Apparently, this woman's ex had cheated on her for a while and she never knew, so she did not want the same to happen to my W.
I was with my W when she got the call...she was very calm, feigned ignorance and just said all marriages have problems. When she got off of the call, she did not want to talk about it, but she had tears in her eyes. On one hand, I wanted to say "this is what happens when people have affairs, things get messy" but I did not say that. I assume that she is on one hand angry that this got out and also knows that she cannot really say anything to me b/c she had the affair. I asked my W what she was feeling but she continued to say she did not want to talk about it, but did wonder how many people know about this.
I told her that our road to recovery will have set backs and challenges The only way though the challenges is through it, not around it. We did not talk most of the night; in fact her behavior reminded me of when she was a WAW, so my heart and chest started hurting again. At night, instead of sleeping on me as she normally does, she slept on the other side of the bed. And this morning she left for an overnight business trip but avoided talking or being with me before she left.
I wrote all of this to get my thoughts on paper. Perhaps some of you have advice or a helpful viewpoint. I know that I did nothing wrong. I was on the site(s) for two weeks, connected with some women via chat but never saw or planned to see anyone. Even if I had, my W did say unequivocally that she wanted a divorce. We were meeting with lawyers and I was looking at apartments. And she did cheat on me. But, I also know that she probably is super embarrassed by this and never thought that anyone would find out.
I know that I cannot control her or her actions. I know that I need to lead her emotionally and show her the path to our marriage recovery. I assume all marriages in piecing struggle with set backs and perhaps issues such as this. I know that I need to just let it go and let her come back to me when she is ready to talk about it. But it is hard to go from a good amount of very positive interactions and feelings to the exact opposite.
Thank you for letting me vent
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Hi Shodan, it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong and I was glad to read you had already told your W about the dating site and that you had closed the account.
But, I can see it must have been uncomfortable for your W and it is an example of a consequence of her actions coming home to roost I think.
As you say, you guys can talk it out. However, I think it is fair to let her know basically what you have posted and how you feel about it too. Yes, you may be sorry that she felt so uncomfortable - but I don't think you need to apologise for your actions.
She may want to let the friend know that you and she were going through a rough patch at the time.
Sorry, I'm not sure if this is much help. Hopefully someone will stop by with some more input for you. Best of luck with things and pleased to hear about the overall progress xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, thanks for your kind words. I think my fear is that she will use this type of issue go the other direction and throw in the towel. But then again, if that is what she wants, I cannot stop that.
I am also mad at myself, not for getting on the sites but for letting her reaction to her friend telling her get to me. I am having the same feelings that I had when she was wayward. I got those under control by focusing on me and not her. But for the past few weeks, we have been focusing on us. She has been focusing on us. But I stop doing as much for myself, or at least mentally focusing on me. I need to stop worrying about what she thinks and just be the leader of this family. If she wants to come along for the ride, then she can make that decision.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My wife returned from her business trip last night and was for the most part fun and pleasant. I sense a bit of a cloud over her, which could be from the withdrawal. I do continue to struggle withe PTSD related to the affair. Different things can cause me to get anxious and develop the pains in my chest. I feel like we are in a lull in our recovering/piecing, but I am sure that is normal.
Any advice from a vet or someone who has gone through this stage would be helpful. I assume a lull is normal. The road to recovery is a long and winding one, but it would be nice to hear from someone who can validate that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Hi Shodan, you may find it helpful to read Caliguy's thread in MLC. He and his W have been piecing for a number of months now and he regularly posts about how that is going.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Shodan. I read your thread here and saw your post on Cali's thread.
Something that seems it needs to be said. You do not seem to be fully engaged in YOU at this point. What you noted about not taking care of you as things were closer between the two of you, seems to be indicative of that.
It seems to me that the balance of control will be in her favor if you don't do the work on you. That's not a good thing for a leader of a family nor as her partner. The balance of power can't be uneven like that. What I saw was that her anger at what she heard caused her to withdraw and almost seemed like a punishment to you. I may be misreading that, but that's not a healthy way for things to be.
One of the things you may notice in Cali's thread is how he want from accepting of those unhealthy behaviors in the past to not accepting it. He teaches his spouse how to treat him and accepts no less. I think that makes him more attractive to her, because it's honest and forthright and strong in nature. It's not malicious, but firm in standing up for himself, what he believes and what he needs.
In long-term relationships, we as humans have a tendency to make compromises as a way to keep the "balance". After a while, those add up and we come to realize how unbalanced things have become. It almost feels like she is begging you to take a stronger stance for yourself. It doesn't happen overnight, but don't get to a point where you have twisted and bent so much you can't recognize yourself. You always have you with you
You might do well to re-read those areas and see if any of that applies to you and your situation.
Best of luck!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just caught up on your sitch .. even went back a bit to re-read and refresh what I thought was accurate (I followed you from day one .. not always posted as I felt you were being lead along the right path). Sometimes I have gone back and re-read my own thread and given myself advice I would give others … strange how that often mirrors what others were trying to tell me. I think AJ hit on something Train and Starsky have been trying to get through to you … maybe I can hit that same nail and try to drive it in a bit further.
Reading your sitch .. your W has atleast been consistent in one thing .. lying and denying the A. Was not till YOU started to push for separation and D did she show movement, (As Sandi and Stasky mention time after time here .. the WW does not stop till she FEELS the sense she is about to lose something) but you did not set strong boundaries and she continued the contact, to me this was her giving you a crouton and you believing it was a stuffed turkey. So now you have the NC letter (Which from the vibe I get you did most the work behind that) and OM is blocked from her phone … as far as we know. (I touched on this with my reply to you in my thread and will revisit this in a bit). I have yet to see you post where she has shown remorse, admitted the A was wrong. Your M issues … what were they? What did you do that you could work to fix … what are the issues she needs to work on … the A is simply a result of the M breaking down and for your and her sake you have to look at what lead you ‘here’ right?
All this ^^^ and the theme of your thread …..respect. You have to work on you as AJ mentioned and rebuild your sense of self-worth. I know .. I had to do the same and its tough after your world was shot to he$$ in a hand basket and all you thought you knew about yourself was ripped away … thing is no woman loves a man she does not respect, and how can your own W respect you when you do not respect yourself? (You may be saying to me .. But I do respect myself right now) The fact you have not set boundaries and your W continued the contact .. sorry I am not buying the phone reboot excuse…she is not all in and still might not be. Might sound cold and harsh but I am telling you .. it’s the truth and something I feel the LBH better learn regardless of his sitch … its important for a man to know his self-worth and what he will tolerate and absolutely not tolerate … this is Non-negotiable and does not come from a place of punishment, it’s a take it or leave it mindset because you understand your value, she is of free will to be with whomever she wants … but so are you.
My issue with the ‘transparency’ topic, she is only sharing with you what she allows you to see. In todays world of smart phones, emails and apps … pretty simple to continue on if one would choose to do so … one could simply go further underground if that’s what they really want to do. As I said in my post to you on my thread .. I refuse to chase that cheese, if my W decided to contact OM … her choice and one that would cost her any shot at a M with me. But this was listed as my boundaries when she came to me not wanting the D, and wanting to work on the M … that being said I learned this the hard way … she broke up with OM several times over the 1.5 year A … I was not strong enough at the time to set my terms, I was just happy to have a shot and save the M .. in a sense I was happy with table scraps, I then started to rebuild myself .. as AJ said certain things I would no longer accept .. how she treated me, talked to me, all those things I did put up with to ‘keep the peace’ well .. no more .. if it costed me my M so be it because that M was nt one I wanted back .. I learned a valuable lesson: When you place your W on a pedestal and worship her .. she becomes a Queen, and over time she starts losing respect for you, this was the mistake I made in my M, we were not Equal .. I put her needs ahead of mine and I had to learn how to restore balance.
It takes time .. but I think you need to figure out what you need, how to regain balance and respect. Do not be afraid to state your needs .. this might upset her, she will spew here and there .. she will definitely test these boundaries .. but if you hold firm from a place of strength and resolve, she will respect you.
