Co dependency H Affairs O my Must DETATCH

[SunnyB]

4, let me be really crass here. He doesn't have to speak to you or acknowledge you before leaving the house, arrange for picking up his daughter, or make birthday party plans for a kid that's not even his. Yet he gets sex. From both you and another woman. Is that ok with you?

Im not saying you should or shouldn't ML. It's your choice
But go into it with your eyes wide open, dear, and make sure it's getting you a step closer to where you want to be.

[rdy2chg]

Sunny you are right he doesn't do much to help anymore and I'm not sure I understand why except that I allow it! I was sleeping and I am sure that would be his excuse he didn't want to wake me but in the past that hasn't been a problem! As for arrangements for pick up yes he could have messaged her also I usually pick her up and drop her off so I do most of the communicating with her mom. Again I have allowed it as to have control and be co dependent to feel needed helpful ect. Am I ok with him sleeping with us both no absolutely not im working towards being strong enough to say no but also scared of pushing him away further. Living through fear. I am not sure if it is getting me closer to where I want to be which is having a happy healthy family with H or if it is more of the same and allowing him to cake eat. I am sure more towards the second. I will keep working towards becoming stronger so I can say no. I certainly do not feel forced and in a way enjoy it but it is certainly not the same as it was before! I'm not sure how to explain it. I am working on detachment not letting his roller coaster affect me and his actions affect me this shall be a long hard road as I am very co dependent! I am excited that I found the co dependent no more on you tube as an audio so I can listen to it until I am able to afford it. So far I feel I am reading my own story except my H is not an alcoholic! I need to take responsibility for my actions to and how I allow him to do what he does just like I said before I allow him to not do the communicating because I just do it!

[SunnyB]

4, you've been acting like a second mom to his kids. Are you babysitting them while he's out with OW? I think it's time he stepped up for his own children. I know you love them, and I'm always one to put the interests of the kids first, but...they have a mother and a father and you seem to be picking up the work load that they aren't. Am I off base? How do you feel about what I wrote?

[rdy2chg]

Sunny spot on! I only watch them a few hours on Saturdays while we sleep right after races usually! He hasn't normally gone out with OW if we have the kids. R did in the beginning but I put my foot down. Now this month I did watch them twice while he went out but only because I do not want them in the middle of this and he will do that because he is sure they are going to be together and he loves her blah blah but due to his actions I doubt it! She has not met family in the year they have been together still ML with me I still live here she still lives with ex husband ect. We have not told kids we are not together as everything at home is the same except kissing holding hands and ILY we still cuddle on couch and everything else is run the sAme! I also tend to pick up for the mom of oldest also doing all activities the running ect! I feel he should step up but I also feel that puts the kids in a bad sitch. I do not want them confused or hurt. I am not sure since im planning to be here another 10 months it's a good idea to tell them or let them be around OW as the two older ones are smart enough to ask questions! Unfortunanly I feel protecting them is more important. Partly because I do not feel this A will turn into anything but if it does than he can explain when it's time for me to leave. I am getting scared it could work as it's been a year and he is spending more time with her in the weekends! Please don't feel i don't agree I do if I was planning to leave soon I would be all over letting him see what it's like. I could ask he does more of the communicating though let him have more responsibility

[Zues126]

4my...I know you're not being physically abused...it is just hard to see how you allow yourself to be treated. It reminded me of a poem that is about abuse. This was written to be a wake up call to those in a bad spot that are too scared to make changes. It stuck with me over the years. Though your sitch is different I hope it helps you in your journey towards finding your strength.

Please read this poem out loud. It is much stronger than if you just skim it. Thank you.


I Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today.

By Paulette Kelly

[Sotto]

Hi 4my, I would echo what Zeus and Sunny have said. Both are very wise. I'm glad to know that your H doesn't hit you, but what do you mean when you talk about being his punching bag? What makes you feel that way?

I also would think carefully about ML. I understand your fear of distance. But by staying close, you remain part of a dysfunctional set up - and you enable your H to both have his cake and eat it. He continues to get some needs met by you and some met by OW. Why would he change? It's likely that you may actually prolong the situation, as there is no loss for him just now.

My other comment would be that I'm concerned the pattern of serial infidelity is a tough one to come back from. Even if you survive this round as a couple, what does the future hold? Probably more of the same if you just keep trying to win him back.

Why do you feel that you deserve so little? Can you dig a little deeper into that? Don't you deserve a R with a faithful partner who truly supports you in life and vice versa? Until you respect yourself some more, and your actions reflect this, it is unlikely that he will have much respect for you IMHO.

I truly hope that you use the opportunities this forum offers to change your own life for the better, and open yourself in the longer term to a more healthy relationship - either with him or a new partner. We are all here for you and will support as best we can.

Take care, Toots xx

[rdy2chg]

Off topic I will answer both posts but I'm really struggling with anger today! Mom of D4 called me saying H hadn't showed up she needed to get to work! I finally got. Hold of FIL and asked him to go wake him! I swear I'm being pushed closer and closer to just throwing my hands up! How do I address this without a fight! Again im so sick of the irresponsibility? He went out fishing and when I got up at 245 this am he was texting OW and on computer then over slept to get D! Fuming!

[Zues126]

You should be fed up. Here's the scenario:

You can't live like this
He won't change
The more you focus on trying to make him change, persuade him to change, beg him to change, bribe him to change, tempt him to change...that's more of the same, back to you can't live like this.

Your move. You want to talk to your FIL or H some more to try to get him to change? Or are you ready to accept this is reality and do something different like take care of yourself?

[Sotto]

Hi 4M, his responsibility for picking up and looking after his daughter is his alone. I don't think there should be any need for you to get hold of people to go and wake him up. Maybe next time this happens, you can give Mom of D4 the number and she can call him direct. It sounds as though you are making it your problem and it isn't IMHO.

If he wants to stay up until all hours, then be late to pick up his D, that's his to own, in my view. This is where it really helps to detach and let him plough his own furrow. You may not agree with what he is doing, but he has fired you as his spouse just now, and these issues are his to manage. And if his ex is angry with him, so be it. You don't need to be angry, because it isn't your problem, right?

I hope this helps, and I do think it is a shame for D4 to have been disappointed by Dad not being reliable.

Take care, and maybe go off and do something until you feel calmer. You have regretted letting your anger get the better of you on other occasions recently, so best avoid that if you can.

Toots xx

[SunnyB]

What Toots said. Let H meet his responsibilities to his D. You don't need to be in the middle of it.