Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
THREAD 1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583949#Post2583949


THREAD 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592862&page=11

Hi Sunny! That is a question I am not sure exactly how to answer. I guess I always thought it was because I loved him but now I am learning on here it may be more a need than want. I will have to dig deep for that answer. The crazy thing is I told myself I would never live like this. I continue reminding myself that this is not what I want to teach my daughter. I feel like I am doing ok with GAL. I have been out more in the last two weeks than in a year. A friend and I are committing to going out anytime we are asked no matter what. I am no longer just going to sit at home waiting on him. Its not a life. I will also be doing more with our kids. No more just sitting around. Something makes me think he is enjoying me being gone all the time though. BUT he has not had to watch the kids yet due to my plans. I guess I hope if I change he will change also but I already know I can not control him or if he changes I can only control me. I have been trying to live this week as If he was not even here live as if I was living alone. Working extra hours cleaning instead of asking for help ect. I think emotional well being will be better achieved if I can completly detatch and not pursue. Today my goal is to get all of the cleaning, housework and budget for next month done. If I have time he asked me to come to garage but I will only do that after I get MY stuff done. No more making time for him. I will only have time for him if I HONESTLY have time. I need to get kids registered for school and all that good stuff also. Zeus told me to make small daily achievable goals. So getting stuff done and not going out of my way for him is a goal. I did send a few pursuing messages today but I will NOT send anymore messages period even if he texts me first. I have the kids at home so he will need nothing unless he wants me to do something and then I will decide if I should do it or not. Is it in my best interest? Unless it is at home or in a town I want to go to answer is NO!

Last edited by 4mykid; 07/30/15 06:31 PM.

M:34
D:12

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
Cadet is there a way I can add all the links to the very first post I made like Matt did? I will continue to link them together at the beginning and ends of each thread but I thought it was convienient to be able to go to page one and click on the tread you left off on instead of searching? I hope that makes sense?

Last edited by Cadet; 07/30/15 07:06 PM.

M:34
D:12

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
Cadet is there a way I can add all the links to the very first post I made like Matt did? I will continue to link them together at the beginning and ends of each thread but I thought it was convienient to be able to go to page one and click on the tread you left off on instead of searching? I hope that makes sense?


It seems like you did that above - good job


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
4, love is a grand thing but love in and of itself is not a complete relationship. What if you loved serial killer? What if you loved a meth addict? What if you loved a guy who beat you daily? Or abused your kid? Or disrespected you by carrying on affairs over and over and over? Where's your line?

Good job on making a plan and sticking to it, accomplishing goals is a satisfying feeling. And keep on with the GAL and who cares if he enjoys it or not? It's not for him, it's for you. Keep it up.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Agree with Sunny, keep on this road. Sunny is right...love is a choice, and it doesn't always make sense to make that choice.

One thing too- codependency doesn't always mean you need him directly. I've found a greater need is to depend on HIM NEEDING YOU. Somehow when he needs you your life has a purpose, a meaning. And the worse he is, the MORE SURE you are that he TRULY needs you. And that if you're forgiving, love him unconditionally, never leave, accept the abuse...that somehow even while he treats you like garbage you are fulfilled because ONLY YOU would have stuck by him...and that makes you feel special and important and needed.

BS. Not only don't you need him, you don't need him to need you either. And while I cherish M, you aren't breaking your vows from protecting yourself from someone that has broken theirs first and is destroying your life. You must keep taking care of yourself.

Again, on the right path. So here's another one to contemplate- if you KNEW WAH didn't need you in any way...do you still feel you have value? What more are you here to do besides be a loyal punching bag?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
Sunny I should have set that line long ago! I guess it is time to set it now. I want to save my R I am hopefully being given 10 months to work on me and figure out what I really want. We have agreed if the kids are in school I will not have to move and they start school end of August. So I am being given time. I need to break the co-dependency and see if this is what I truly want instead of needing it. I need to keep pushing forward. I work tomorrow so I will not text unless he texts first. He is going fishing with his friend and we will have no kids tomorrow so I may honestly just stay home and relax after working so much this week! It is actually what I WANT TO DO! I will make sure to stay positive and not text throughout the night also. Just get on here read threads and watch you tube videos!


M:34
D:12

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
Zeus. I agree I think it is more my thinking of he needs me. He needs me to help with kids pay bills ect. I have always thought like that. And also felt I am the only one who will put up with him. I would bet there is someone else out there who would. Looking from a realistic point he probably does not need me he would figure something out because he would have to. I would still have value as his friend even if he did not need me. We have always been the best of friends when we are not together it is so weird. I would have value in his family no matter what. So no matter what I will always have value even if we are not together but I would not be his punching bag either. Maybe the best of both worlds? I do feel like I am making very small steps forward. I mean very very very small!


M:34
D:12

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
4mykid - are you saying that your H has hit you and been unfaithful multiple times? I'm so sorry if that is the case, and I also wonder whether this is a M you want to try and save if so. Is that the best thing for you my friend?

Have you read V's thread on abuse?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
Toots no he has never been physically abusive just unfaithful several times! I only want to save the M if it can be healthy! I have 10 months to change me doesn't sound long but I need to kick it in gear! Get myself healthy and just see what happens! So far he maintains we will probably not/most likely not/very slim chance that he will even try again he is ver condos ten but i try to remember I should not believe him!


M:34
D:12

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
R
rdy2chg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 326
Well we did text today but only because he called and I was at work. He was not very chatty. We ML yesterday and today he is barely talking. It is a weird cycle. Seems to always be that way. Guilt? I am working towards emotional detatchment/independence. I did not allow myself to get upset tonight when I was napping and he did not even say he was leaving. When he asked what time his D needed picked up I text her mom and waited an hour before responding. I have not even told him about birthday plans for my D yet. I just made them on my own! That is a big step! I always want his opinion for everything. No R talk since Monday! Keep pushing forward!


M:34
D:12

Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard