I reacted this morning. But, I think, in hindsight, it was a good thing because it gave me the energy to push towards a settlement.
I've been stressing about this pretrial hearing. I have no intention of taking this ridiculous situation to trial There is NO money to argue over.
He's already agreed to 23 years with half his retirement.
Anyway, I reached out this morning after little contact yesterday... and told him we need to settle the pretrial situation today. All I suggested was contacting his atty to see what we needed to do. Didn't mention anything else.
He finally responded with:
I will do 23 years retirement but child support until 18 if I choose to continue to send money after that, it's my choice. My atty said that's what the judge will order.
It was sorta outta the blue after the "I'm looking for a job and yadda..." And, it pi$$ed me off.
So, I asked... "What about you missing us and looking for a job?" That was quick.
Matt: Well, it's still there. But, if we can agree on this we can do away with the pretrial hearing with a separation agreement which will take it's place for now.
Me: Age 19 and finish it. Me: Anyone who argues over helping to support a 12-year-old girl that he hasn't seen in over a year is not someone I want in my life. Me: On second thought... I will take support til 18 if it means an end to this nightmare.
I contacted his atty through email and told him I agreed to the two terms of blah, blah, blah and he could mail a divorce settlement to my address. I said I was not agreeing to paying out any money.
There.
No response.
Yesterday, my mom and stepdad cosigned a lease for D21 so she could have a safe vehicle to drive. My old Jeep had three rust holes in the frame. It's such a relief to know she is in a safe car. Matt, to his credit, helped with insurance... but, he didn't help or find help with the cosigning. He said his credit is terrible.
When I told D12 and D21 about his looking for a job in NY... they both were adamant we divorce. D21 said she appreciated how he has called her and been available and helped with the car insurance, but he is still, obviously, a little boy.
My girls have been through enough with this man. Caring for him isn't enough anymore.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It is likely true that the judge would not order any child support or college support after 18 - very few states do that (Oregon comes to mind). Should be written to continue through her senior year of high school if she turns 18 mid-year, that's pretty standard I think.
Take it and run. No need to get pissy about it. Just get it done. It's rotten but that's how the system works.
This is not your problem to fix, honey.You can tell him that anything's possible in the future, but right now you need the divorce finished (let's face it, you really couldn't afford to start this process from scratch again in a few years, could you?). If he wants to fix things he can prove himself to you AFTER the divorce. (and listen, you are COMPLETELY within your rights not to want him back!). Be careful you don't get sucked back in; let him give you a year of living sober, proving himself, no other women etc before you even CONSIDER reconciling. (And that's what a GOOd guy who GENUINELY wanted to make amends would be willing to do. Don't settle for anything less.)
This is not your problem to fix, honey.You can tell him that anything's possible in the future, but right now you need the divorce finished (let's face it, you really couldn't afford to start this process from scratch again in a few years, could you?). If he wants to fix things he can prove himself to you AFTER the divorce. (and listen, you are COMPLETELY within your rights not to want him back!). Be careful you don't get sucked back in; let him give you a year of living sober, proving himself, no other women etc before you even CONSIDER reconciling. (And that's what a GOOd guy who GENUINELY wanted to make amends would be willing to do. Don't settle for anything less.)
