Looking for advice and comfort

[ILYNOT]

For example she is out of body wash and has had to come ask me to use mine, my first thought is to stop and get some for her. Thoughts?

Why would you? pretend she is your neighbor, would you buy body wash for your neighbor?

Let her get her own stuff and stop letting her use yours in a nice way.

[CaliGuy]

Hey all
I have a question. I have been trying to stop doing nice things for her (doing laundry, doing all the cleaning, laying out meds, cooking, etc) these are things that I did help with before but I should have helped out with more. My coach said it was ok, but I have read on here and from some of my friends that I shouldn't be doing those things anymore. For example she is out of body wash and has had to come ask me to use mine, my first thought is to stop and get some for her. Thoughts?

PT Just caught up on your sitch ... sorry you are here.

I have seen here n there that a coach's advice may conflict with the typical responses on the board, maybe your coach picked up on something that you shared and have not done so here.

But yeah .. my initial reaction was "Why? she fired you from being her W right?"

Detaching is tricky .. even more so in the same house, that roomate approach is a good one but you did confess you wear your feelings on your sleeve so its going to be pretty tricky for you. I cringed you gave up the MBR, she is having the A not you .. you should have booted her out .. but what is done is done right? My advice ... get so darn busy you just do not have time to do her laundry or all the cleaning ... seems to me she has it made with you taking care of her at home while she gets her rocks off with OW/OM (can not recall if you listed a gender)

Good on you for doing your thing and competing in the Spartan race (You stud you) ... but go back and revisit that ... see how she pursued you when you were GALing?? So .. do more of that stuff right?

Curious here ... if you could put down your stats/sitch on your siggy, I am wondering about the age thing ... and also her reaction to her friends death being a bit more intense this year ... not that there is a MLC in full effect but maybe she is chasing the "what could have beens" due to that a little.

[PT33]

Thanks ILYNOT and caliguy for the reality check.

We have been having good interactions and conversations, but I dont know what that means. If its just fake or her trying to be "normal".

Not sure if she is having A, because she has denied it multiple times. I just assume that she is because things just don't make sense. I guess it is possible that she could be having a MLC.

I am gonna start leaving things for her to do and start planning things to do when she is there on Sundays

[PT33]

hi guys
Its been a tough week. Not seeing any changes, feeling pretty down and hopeless. I'm trying to do everything in the LRT. Pitty party over here today

[CaliGuy]

hi guys
Its been a tough week. Not seeing any changes, feeling pretty down and hopeless. I'm trying to do everything in the LRT. Pitty party over here today

What are you doing GAL wise over the weekend??... .do something new and out of your comfort zone .. even if its just an hour.

[PT33]

I try to do things, but it is so hard. I am trying to time it so I do them when she is going to be home. But I get this pang of pain because I want to be there with her.

She will be gone tonight and I will probably just get dinner and hang out with my sisters. Usually we workout and get something to eat Sat morning and she leaves by 12 for the day. Sometimes she spends the night sometimes not. Usually Sunday was out day to do things together per what the couples therapist said awhile ago. But not sure if there is a point to that anymore. I think I just need to find something to do on Sunday. Its just hard because thats when we wud do cleaning errands etc

Caliguy how did you do it? It looks like your happened over a long period of time.

[CaliGuy]

I try to do things, but it is so hard. I am trying to time it so I do them when she is going to be home. But I get this pang of pain because I want to be there with her.

Ok .. that part ... nope. You GAL regardless of if she is home, away, walking nekkid through the donut shop ... what she does and does not do should never effect what you plan to do on any given day. Its called GAL ... not GAL#aslongasWishome

She will be gone tonight and I will probably just get dinner and hang out with my sisters. Usually we workout and get something to eat Sat morning and she leaves by 12 for the day. Sometimes she spends the night sometimes not. Usually Sunday was out day to do things together per what the couples therapist said awhile ago. But not sure if there is a point to that anymore. I think I just need to find something to do on Sunday. Its just hard because thats when we wud do cleaning errands etc

She fired you ... make an very concerted decision to do something that does not include her .. this is for you .. not for her. Do not tell her what/where/when you are going .. strap on the Nikes and JUST DO IT. Don't even be cold about it ... be happy with a bounce in your step ... be the fun girl .. just go GAL .... I would suggest something out of your comfort zone ... heck one time I went to a block party, I knew NO ONE but I went anyways ... guess what .. had a blast.

Caliguy how did you do it? It looks like your happened over a long period of time.

Ugh ... did you just call me old?
Yeah, my BD was Sep13 ... yup .. almost 2 years ago. I fumbled my way around for about 10 months before I found this place and it was another 3-4 before I seen any movement.

Thing is PT, its new and strange .. DBing is a 180 from what we typically have felt and did. If we did it right none of us would be here right? Right now ... focus on you .. control you ... let her be her, love her enough to give her that gift. I look back and that 2 years of 'time' I was given was truly a gift, I wish I had not wasted so much living in my W's head and worried about what I was doing and how it impacted her ... when I started living for me .. I felt alive.

[PT33]

Caliguy
Of course I am not calling you old!!! I did sign up for a tiling class at home depot next weekend. I am trying to find things I am interested in...even before I met her I liked just working out and hanging out at home. I have never had a huge social circle just one or 2 friends. I would occasionally go to the clubs, but I am not a huge drinker and I am a horrible dancer.

I think it might be easier if we weren't living in the same house. In the back of my head I keep waiting for her to tell me that she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. The month of july is over and I dont know if you remember I told her to take the month of july to see a therapist. I started DBing the beginning of july and had some good results (I left for 4th of july weekend, told her I was going with some friends to san diego) and stopped doing the things that pushed her away (talking about R/M, physical contact, crying). When I did these things she started to hug me, came into guestroom and wanted to cuddle, concerned about me. Then I went and did the spartan race by myself.

I totally get what your saying about focusing on me, I am trying. I'm sorry I am all over the place. I have so much to say

[Wonka]

PT,

I know it is really tough to stuff down the things you really want to share with W. Hence Cali's STFU Smoothies are now discounted in 3 awesome flavors: cherry, chocolate, and vanilla.

Drink 'em up by the copious amounts. Then you'll be a really cool cat like Jodie Foster.

[PT33]

HAHA your funny wonka.