Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Nt, DR says to start with a beginner's mind.

I can't speak for Starsky, but he is who advised me during my H's A, and I've read years worth of his "stuff." I struggled with when and how to drop my "truth darts" and my "speeches" when my H was wayward, too. I always thought I was just supposed to pick a time and do it. Wrong. There will be a time and a place for you to state your non-negotiable core beliefs and boundaries with your H. But "grand pronouncements" aren't the way to do it. Initiating R talks is THE biggest DB no-no. Your H will open the door for you to express your boundary. You just need to wait for that time so that it's natural. And don't state a boundary unless you're willing to put teeth in it and stand by it. And don't repeat a boundary because that only weakens it.

My H is not the jealous type. Never has been so I don't know if going out with friends and telling him to not wait up for me would actually have any impact.
Please look back at what I wrote. I didn't say I thought it would impact HIM. In fact, I pointed out that YOU cannot change his mind. *Anything* I'm advising you to do is to help YOU and your PMA, which MIGHT end up being attractive to your H. (He's certainly going to be more attracted to an upbeat, happy you than one who is moping and criticizing and cornering him with grand pronouncements.) The more and longer you practice living your own life and having fun, the more authentic it will become and the more you will live your way back into YOU. And that YOU might end up re-attracting your H.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
He might like that I'm moving on with my life.

Again, this isn't to get a reaction out of him. That's trying to control him. And you can't control anyone but yourself.

I *will* add this: A lot of times, based on what I've seen, a cheater will amp-up their detachment in proportion to the amount of pressure they feel from the LBS. So if you don't pressure him, chances are he might back-off a little on being so defiant and reactive. You getting out of the house some is one way to take pressure off of him WHILE giving you something to do to keep your mind off things.

Maybe he will like you "moving on with your life." (Odds are that he will at first and as long as he's in the fog of an A.) But what are your alternatives, Nt? I only see one: NOT moving on with your life and waiting around at home, smothering him, staying in his face, waiting for him to "pick you." And I hope we would both agree that that's not going to move your relationship ANYWHERE good. And even worse, it's not going to put YOU in a good place. We can only take so much rejection. And the more available you are to him right now, the more he's going to reject you. He might throw you bones. But he's saving the meat for OW.

He doesn't have a reason to change that dynamic now. Wanna know why? Because he has you BOTH.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
N
NtGvUp Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
Should I stop inviting him out for bike rides, meeting up with friends and family, and shopping? Do I stop acting like a friend with him? Should I offer to pick him up at the airport?


Technical question: my envelope is flashing for private message but when I click on it it says private message is disabled. How do I get my private message?

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: NtGvUp
Technical question: my envelope is flashing for private message but when I click on it it says private message is disabled. How do I get my private message?

Private messaging IS disabled.

You can try going to MY STUFF and
then click messages as I believe there is a welcome message to read from the forum.

Mine says
Quote:
Welcome to our forums!
Please take a moment to review and update your profile and preferences to take full advantage of our features.
You can do this by clicking on "Edit Profile" and "Edit Preferences" in the My Stuff dropdown.
Please do not reply to this message as this is just an automated welcome message to thank you for joining our community


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
N
NtGvUp Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
Thanks Cadet.
Good to know smile

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
N
NtGvUp Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
Should I stop inviting him out for bike rides, meeting up with friends and family, and shopping? Do I stop acting like a friend with him? Should I offer to pick him up at the airport?

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Originally Posted By: NtGvUp
Also, it would be more difficult to show I'm GAL and doing 180s if he isn't here to see it.

What's the consensus about moving out vs separated living?


GAL helps show H that you are moving on but the main point is to show you that you can move on with or without him. Its to help you cope with the loss and find yourself. Its a huge distraction that lets you live in the good of your life instead of dwell on the uncontrollable negatives.

Originally Posted By: Train
People differ in opinions on whether it's best to live together or apart during LRT. I think it depends on the "case." If you can effectively DB while he's in the house - in other words, if you're strong enough to get your own, personal groove back while he's having an unrepentant A right in your face, day-in and day-out - then I don't see a down-side to him staying in the house. Like you said, then he could see your 180s far more often than if you're living separately.


Yes, very difficult but its possible to do. It takes a huge toll on your sanity being right in the middle of it, where you can see certain things. I dont think anyone in the very beginning just after BD could do it. It something that just develops after enough suffering has taken place.


Originally Posted By: NtGvUp
Should I stop inviting him out for bike rides, meeting up with friends and family, and shopping? Do I stop acting like a friend with him? Should I offer to pick him up at the airport?


I would say most of this is pursuing, so stop it. If he can handle destroying his M and having an A, he can handle his transportation from the airport. Its would be one thing if he asked, but don't go out of your way to offer doing it.

You don't want to act cold to him, just be friendly. There is a distinction between being a friend and friendly. You want to have those friendly encounters where you can chat(if they come up) but you don't want to be doing small talk with him whiles hes talking about his GF. Theirs a balance that needs to be found. For right now focus on being the friendly neighbor and working on you.

More importantly you need to begin to move forward with your life. You have some great advice above on where you should be, re-read it. If we can see the neediness your H can see it also and he does know you will do anything to keep him.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
N
NtGvUp Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
Thanks Fogg. I've re-read everything a few times.

I'm reading a book about Codependency. Hopefully it'll help me to detach and GAL. It's tough. We've been together 28 years and grew up with each other.
As far as living together, i'm still on the fence. We've been doing it since the BD which was 6 months ago. We get along great otherwise and he's been discreet about his phone calls with her so it's not in my face.
If he moves to the basement, there will be more separation than if he's in the spare room. On the other hand, he may tell me he's moving out when he gets home. Everything is up in the air right now.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
As far as living together, i'm still on the fence. We've been doing it since the BD which was 6 months ago. We get along great otherwise and he's been discreet about his phone calls with her so it's not in my face.

I'm confused. Earlier today, you were asking about how you could bring up the "speech" (per Starsky) about not being willing to live in an open M when I had told you not to bring up relationship talks. But this ^^^ sounds like you ARE willing to live in an open M, as long as your H carries out his A in your basement or where you can't see it.

Can you clarify?

Why are you concerned at all about delivering the "speech" about not being willing to live in an open M when, in fact, it appears as though you ARE willing to live in one? confused


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
N
NtGvUp Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 30
The OW lives across the country. I can only do what I can when it comes to getting him to leave her. If I give him the "speech" then he will know where I stand and hopefully in time will stop seeing the OW.

BTW, he has no intention of leaving her. He thinks he loves her and has found his soulmate. I know that the affair has to run it's course. He or she will realize sooner or later that they can't keep it up long distance.

Is it better that I not give the "speech" or any relationship talks at all?

Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard