Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[CaliGuy]

dwh

Great job in handling this the way you have .. reading it really looks like you are finding your stride here. As far as the dreams ... I have some NASTY ones, especially currently as I am processing things a bit differently ... I was told (by my W ironically via her IC) that dreams are a way our brains process through information ... so having these dreams in a way is your brain dealing with them for you on the subconsiouc level ... not sure if I buy into that fully ... but after the real nasty dreams annd my next day a wreck like yours ... I tend to move a bit further and have a much better few days afterwards.

I did want to offer some advice on the TM. And given the fact you might actually file .. this might be a good time for you. I set a very firm and hard boundary with my W. She would blow up my phone TM wise, and I realized I was just feeding gas into the fire .... when we would argue I thought by TM atleast I would not get interupted .... but tone and intent are often misread in TM, especially in heated topics ... I just could never make any progress. So I told W I would no longer discuss serious issues via TM nor phone. Those conversations would be done civilly and in person. When she would start to spin-and-spew I would one time tell her I would not be talked to in such a way, if we could speak civily then we can finish the conversation, otherwise I had better things to do than rehash the past and argue pointlessly.

This took some time, but I am so glad I did it (With the help and suggestion of the vets here) Even now, W knows she can not spew in my direction as I will just not have it ... its not constructive and does little good. We can discuss hot-button topics civily .. or wait until a time we can. She also knows now that TM is not a good medium for such talks nor spew as I will just not respond to it .... during the boundary session she did hit a record high 28 TM and 8 missed calls to which no replies were given, they will test you.


Thought maybe this might help you in the months to come ... as like Sandi said ... she is going to pull out all the stops to squeeze you for what she wants and ensure that her fantasy A she has dreamed of in her head stays on track ... fortunately you are not on that crazy train any longer.

[dwh15]

dwh
I did want to offer some advice on the TM. And given the fact you might actually file .. this might be a good time for you. I set a very firm and hard boundary with my W. She would blow up my phone TM wise, and I realized I was just feeding gas into the fire .... when we would argue I thought by TM atleast I would not get interupted .... but tone and intent are often misread in TM, especially in heated topics ... I just could never make any progress. So I told W I would no longer discuss serious issues via TM nor phone. Those conversations would be done civilly and in person. When she would start to spin-and-spew I would one time tell her I would not be talked to in such a way, if we could speak civily then we can finish the conversation, otherwise I had better things to do than rehash the past and argue pointlessly.

This took some time, but I am so glad I did it (With the help and suggestion of the vets here) Even now, W knows she can not spew in my direction as I will just not have it.

Thought maybe this might help you in the months to come ... as like Sandi said ... she is going to pull out all the stops to squeeze you for what she wants and ensure that her fantasy A she has dreamed of in her head stays on track ... fortunately you are not on that crazy train any longer.

Thank You Cali. Regarding limiting the serious conversations to in-person only, I would like to find out at what point did you do that? It seems to go against the LRT techniques and min contact, to make the W miss what she has. But I agree how things can be mis-communicated, especially via TM. I'm thinking that the pending convo regarding D is one of those topics that simply has to be discussed in person. I figure that I'm at least 5-6 weeks away, by the time I get a job and have to confront WW for the expectations on money. Right now, it's been nearly 5 months since BD1, and around 4 months since she officially moved out. I know that she is really struggling with her emotions about missing the kids, and how she is going to support herself. I think that is good and part of what she needs to go through. But I don't want to initiate too much personal contact too soon. It's still hard for me to see her so not sure I'm ready for it yet either.

[CaliGuy]

Thank You Cali. Regarding limiting the serious conversations to in-person only, I would like to find out at what point did you do that? It seems to go against the LRT techniques and min contact, to make the W miss what she has. But I agree how things can be mis-communicated, especially via TM. I'm thinking that the pending convo regarding D is one of those topics that simply has to be discussed in person. I figure that I'm at least 5-6 weeks away, by the time I get a job and have to confront WW for the expectations on money. Right now, it's been nearly 5 months since BD1, and around 4 months since she officially moved out. I know that she is really struggling with her emotions about missing the kids, and how she is going to support herself. I think that is good and part of what she needs to go through. But I don't want to initiate too much personal contact too soon. It's still hard for me to see her so not sure I'm ready for it yet either.

Was actually to the contrary. Electronically we are FAR to available ... when ever they need to speak to us .. Boom... Instant right>? So after I set that boundary .. granted she tested this and I would not respond. In fact I was given a pretty good guideline on TM responses and incorporated them with my "no Business talks" approach.

Typical TM/Call : Reply 1-2 hours
TM/Call concerning S(kids): 15-30 minutes
TM/Call Emergency: Immediate
TM/Call Serious Discussion- No Reply
TM/Call that was considered "Temp Check": Pick battles/No reply.

I would not initiate any of this. She fired me .. no need to call the office ... nor return their calls when they realized things were not working as smooth without me there.

Granted I would give in here n there but as soon as I felt uncomfortable or that I was not grounded with my emotions in check .. it was time to end the discussion ... and thats another nugget .. always be the one who ends the discussion, this often does not get enough play here but the simple psychology behind it leaves them wanting more, pursuing you mentally regardless if they act on it or not.

[HeavyD]

That is so right about the telephone conversations, there are always long pauses on our convo's. Now that I realize that these pauses are in a way pursuit behaviors, I have stopped doing them. I end the conversation first.

OK then, thanks, talk to later and then just hang up.

[dwh15]

Great advice guys. I actually did end the call first when talking to WW yesterday, but it was one of the first times. She often beats me to the punch, but I'm learning. Need to start counting sentences or something. I know I always felt terrible when she did it to me. And of course, after I ended that call yesterday, I got the barrage of TMs, to which I replied a total of 3 times. Compared to something like 12 TMs from her, so I was proud of that as well. The techniques mentioned here and in the books are so powerful, and work so well, it's almost an unfair advantage. But I'll take any edge I can get in this war on my family.

Cali, I'm going to read up on your sitch tonight. I know you've been at this for a while and I'm just in the early stages; it's really overwhelming to think about it. But I'm committed and hopeful that I have at least a chance. I know I should be focused on me and the kids, but today has been a tough one for whatever reason, and I'm really missing my W. It's been a struggle to not reach out to her, but I stick to the plan. Thanks for the support.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I'm going to read up on your sitch tonight. I know you've been at this for a while and I'm just in the early stages; it's really overwhelming to think about it. But I'm committed and hopeful that I have at least a chance. I know I should be focused on me and the kids, but today has been a tough one for whatever reason, and I'm really missing my W. It's been a struggle to not reach out to her, but I stick to the plan. Thanks for the support.

HA... bring a snack lunch ... I think I have about 18 threads (no joke) and I have been here now a year. It was a long process, my W was MLC ... the approach is the same but there are some differences. I do think had she been a typical WW I would have pushed harder than I did. I made mistakes along the way .. but the personal growth was well worth it all.

[dwh15]

Just noticed a post on WWs FB about going to some party and riding with OM on a Harley to get there. Then of course all her biker buddies "like" the post. Puke. Then what really cracks me up is she's suddenly got all these single loser friends from high school "liking" almost every post she puts out there. I mean, these guys are in dead end jobs, look like they're in terrible physical shape, but I can only guess that they somehow think they have a shot now. Guess they're waiting for the current A to fall apart so they can swoop in to be the next in line. OMG, it makes me sick. Sometimes I wish she were less physically attractive. Don't know why but seems like it would make it easier for me to handle.

I know I'm hurting myself by even looking at her FB stuff, but it really pissed me off. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to run to an attorney and file, while hurting her as bad as I can financially. How do people find the strength to put up with this for months on end?

[PigPen]

FB will break your heart dwh! I've been on 4 times since BD and on all 4 occasions something has kicked my butt and made me swear to never go on there.

It's a time waster anyway. Live your real life, let her FB friends "like" her on the internet.

[dwh15]

So my S8 decided to spend the night with WW for a change, but as usual had to call and speak to dad before bed time. The poor kid always struggles so much making the decision, like he's betraying me if he stays with mom. It breaks my heart, but I talked with him for about 5 minutes and he seemed in a good mood. Then he handed the phone back to WW and we spoke for about 5 minutes.

I said he seemed in good spirits, and she seemed surprised. She thought he seemed very conflicted, as usual when he stays. We spoke briefly about plans for the next day, and what time I wanted her to drop him off. We're heading to my mother's tomorrow to take their new boat out on a local lake so told her I needed him here by 2pm, which she was fine with. Then she asked about whether I had a chance to look into the Sam's Club membership upgrade for prescription discounts. Told her I had and it actually does seem like a good deal as a couple of S15's medications can be had for big discounts w/o insurance so I informed her that I would be upgrading just for the purpose.

She then started talking about the cost of her own prescription and how she wasn't sure how she would afford it. I could tell she was going for guilt again and waiting for me to offer to help. Mentioned how she wasn't sure how she was going to afford it and didn't know if OM would give her the money for it. I said that maybe he can do it just for this month, and suggested she consider looking into public assistance. Told her that I'm also looking into for me and the kids, as I have no idea how long before I'll have insurance through employment again.

Then, she asked about my recent job interview, which S18 must have mentioned, since I had not said a word to her about it. So I gave some high level details but overall tried to not sound optimistic, even though I'm feeling that way. I'm pretty sure that she's hoping for me to hurry up and land a new job so I'll start funneling money her way again. So she wished me good luck, and then, right as I was looking for a way to end the conversation (always be the first to leave), she says "OK", with that distinct tone of voice letting you know the conversation is over. Darn it! I immediately jumped in and said I had to get going, asked her to keep me informed about dropping off S8 tomorrow, and wished her a good night. But wishing I would have ended the call just a few seconds before she got out that last "OK". Gotta work on that technique.

So overall I feel it went fine, but sort of bothered about how little she really seems to care. I've been sitting around obsessing about her all day, and I don't think I cross into her thoughts at all, other than when she worries about money. Guess that's typical, but it hurts. I'm proud of myself for staying calm and not taking the bait when she was fishing for help on her script, so guess overall I did fine. Hoping for a good night sleep and a fun day tomorrow with the family.

[Vanilla]

I have absolutely 100% blocked WH and anyone else on Facebook. The only one of WH family that is not blocked is his niece who WH doesn't contact much because I really like her a great deal indeed. I do particularly love WH sister and decided to leave contact to her but she isn't an FB person.

I don't post to FB other than to keep in contact with a couple of female friends, I am much more linked in and that's very business admin. I also had my FB identity stolen so I use a fake birthday.

Dwh it is very difficult phase but I see no reason why you should fund WW and her A, There is an OM when she went to him and he took her in he knew her sitch so they can provide or she can go get a job. Sounds like you did well on the cono. Stick to admin if you can and just be pleasant.
V