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dwh15 Offline OP
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Welcome to Part 2 of my thread. Link to Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592593&page=1

So I thought the TM conversation about money was done. Nope. Here's the latest, plus the pieces from the last post.

WW: I hate to bother u with this. But is there anything new on money situation? I'm struggling.

Me: Nothing new. I know it's hard. I'm struggling too.

WW: OK. May I ask if I can count on any of it when you do get it?

Me: I'm not comfortable making any promises right now.

WW: So you're saying it could be zero for me?

FYI, the money she's talking about is a pending payment from my old employer for severance. I haven't replied to her last TM, and not sure that I should. What more can I say? Seems like she's baiting me into an argument.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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DWH

IMHO .... your money is not HER money .... not at this point, she chose to leave and move in with OM2, let her put her BGPs on and figure it out. If she hurries up and files it will still take time ... time is good for you ... You did not choose this life, this life chose you.

When my W left, she emptied the accounts, so my golden reply whenever she hit me up for $$ was 'Check that Savings account .. last I looked we had $XXXX.XX in there' (knowing she used it for her condo) .... that bought me a few months then she told me there was nothing there so I emailed her the withdrawl that she signed with "Yeah I seen that"
After that I only transfered my S's School amounts (half to be precise) into the joint account and I then replied to any requests for funds with "I'm sorry but I am not funding your A nor your single lifestyle"

Thats what I did .. not saying it would work for you ... but I would not feed her cake, her choices have consequences ... she should look for work ... granted when/if the D goes through you might have to pay .. cross that when it comes.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I agree with Cali.

You do not have a job, your resources are reducing and you need them for your life and that of your children. The payment is also pending and not yet yours in your hand. That's none of WW business now.

You haven't yet got to decision maker 3 choices, decide if and when you get there, it's far too soon to consider what may be.

Time to use broken record technique.

"I am saying I am struggling too and I am not comfortable promising you anything."

Expect an emotional blackmail technique or two, but stand firm. My WH is the same demands for money. I pay only what I owe, no more and no less.
V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/29/15 10:53 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Yep, do the broken record technique!


M35 W33 S14 D12
M14
ILYBNILWY 07/14
BD 7/14
S 5/15

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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dwh15 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for the feedback. As an update, I never replied after that last TM from WW. As the night rolls on, we get to 6:30pm, and still no word about taking the kids. She normally has them by 7pm and has communicated something to someone. I figured she was busy throwing a tantrum, so decided I was taking the kids swimming at the Y. So we left at 6:30pm and stayed around an hour. Kids had a great time.

When I check my phone, I see WW has tried calling twice, and left a TM saying "I'm trying to figure out what's going on with the kids. None of them are answering their phone. And you're not answering."

Well, of course we weren't answering. We were in the pool! I figured with no update from her by 6:30pm I wasn't going to feel guilty doing something fun. I get sick of putting all my plans on hold waiting to see if she MIGHT be having them over. So anyway, I TM back a reply:

Me: "Sorry, took the kids swimming at the Y. Just leaving. Be home in a few."

WW: "U can bring them over"
WW: "I've been trying to reach someone for the last two hours"
(This isn't true. I had no TM until 6:45pm. Same with all my kids, so it was actually 1 hour)

Me: "No idea about the kids. I don't have a text until 6:45"

WW: "Never mind just call it a night"
WW: "Thanks for the communication though"
WW: "Just would have been nice had somebody kept me in the loop"

That last part cracks me up. She's the queen of last-minute cancellations. Barely ever any notice on her plans. But she's mad that I didn't bother to communicate. So I'm sure she's saying all kinds of choice words about me right now. And I don't even care. I'm sick of caving into her temper tantrums. When she wants to discuss things like an adult, then we can talk. The way she's been acting lately, I'm honestly not even sure I want her back. I hope this doesn't last forever. But I'm proud of myself for finally growing a backbone. She dug her own hole.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
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dwh15 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

When my W left, she emptied the accounts, so my golden reply whenever she hit me up for $$ was 'Check that Savings account .. last I looked we had $XXXX.XX in there' (knowing she used it for her condo) .... that bought me a few months then she told me there was nothing there so I emailed her the withdrawl that she signed with "Yeah I seen that"
After that I only transfered my S's School amounts (half to be precise) into the joint account and I then replied to any requests for funds with "I'm sorry but I am not funding your A nor your single lifestyle"

Thats what I did .. not saying it would work for you ... but I would not feed her cake, her choices have consequences ... she should look for work ... granted when/if the D goes through you might have to pay .. cross that when it comes.


Thanks Cali. I love your response to your WW about the savings account. I completely dropped the money discussion with mine today. Never replied to her last text as I didn't feel like getting into a pointless debate. She didn't send any other texts regarding it but I'm sure she's royally pissed. And I think she feels she's somehow paying me back by not taking the kids tonight. Makes no sense to me, but the kids are fine with it and so am I. In fact, I prefer they be with me. They are all getting REAL used to not seeing mom. It's really sad and I hope things don't stay this way forever but I feel like I'm the only responsible parent they have right now, and I am not going to prioritize the feelings of WW over those boys. I'm assuming this is typical WW behavior and she will calm down in a few days, and probably come back nicer than ever, as if nothing ever happened. But I'm finally getting to the point that I don't let her emotions control how I feel. In fact, I'm actually in a pretty good mood for a change. Taking kids to a zoo tomorrow. More updates soon.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
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dwh15 Offline OP
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So lots of communication from WW today. She tries calling around 11:30am, which I let go to VM - no message left. So I get kids around and head out to the zoo. On the way there, WW calls again, and I had S18 pick it up. They spoke for a minute and S18 says "She wants to ask you about prescriptions". He hands the phone over and I find out WW is stressing because she's getting very low on some of her Rx meds and with no current insurance, the prices are crazy. She called all over town and found the best deal at Sam's Club, and mentioned she could get an extra 40% discount if we became Plus members. Now, I normally would have wished her a good day at that point, but since this is of some interest to me and the kids as well (none of us currently has insurance), I said I would look into it. I told her if it made sense, I would pay the $30 upgrade fee, but would not be helping her pay for her own meds. She thanked me, and that should have been the end of the convo.

But then she just had to bring up the money issue again. Asked if I planned on giving her any more in August, and would I please let her know, so she did not have to keep nagging. Now remember, I have already said no more money on at least 2 different occasions, which she never seems to recall. So I explained again that at this point, I did not plan on giving her any more. Then she launches into how I'm doing it on purpose to hurt her and keep her away from the kids since she doesn't have money to do anything with them (that's BS because there are plenty of free things she can do with them). At that point, I was getting annoyed and said I would let her know about the prescriptions. Then we both hung up. I continued on to the zoo, where kids and I were enjoying ourselves. But WW wasn't done with me yet. Now come the barrage of TMs. See next post for the details.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
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Around 20 minutes after arriving at the zoo, I get the first of many TMs. Convo below:

WW: S15 and S10 aren't spending time with you either...R they? U see it however u wanna see it. I want my kids and now feel like u r trying to discourage them from coming over to me. And them plan a swimming trip during my scheduled time. No FYI even considered out of respect.

Me: The swimming trip was not so that the kids would not see u. Nobody had heard a word all day so by 6:30 I assumed u did not have plans. I wanted them to have something fun to do. I'm sorry. I should have let u know. From now on, I will confirm on your nights b4 making plans. I do want them to spend time with u. They need mom. If u want to see them tonight I'm sure they would love it.

WW: From what I can see you are making your life seem so much more appealing to the kids because you know I can't compete with your money or free time.
WW: You want them to choose u so they will tell the judge they like it at dads house because he has all the toys and money. or maybe or maybe not...Maybe its a competition to u. So S8 is so afraid to stay the night because he's so worried dad will go do another fun thing...Worried he will miss out.
WW: Why would they wanna come over to my no air conditioned house. No money to do anything. No fun toys here. I'm sure it's quite unappealing.

Me: I'm not trying to compete. I'm trying to build memories with my kids. I've got time now to do it. It does not mean I'm better or more fun. I'm still not mom. They love u and love time with u, no matter what u guys do.

WW: Then your front is "I want u to see the kids...They need u". I can't help it I have to work. S8 don't wanna stay because he would have to get up early to go back to u because u don't want OM to be there in the morning because I would be at work. U made that unappealing for him too. Keep the air going so they don't wanna come over to my hot house.
WW: So in ur eyes if u don't give me any money my hands r tied. Instead of spending the time trying to have fun quality time with me, even though I try to hide it, they spend time with me stressed about everything and quiet and cranky cause I can't afford what u have or give. When they finally choose to spend time with me.
WW: I see what you're doing.

That was the end of the ranting. I didn't reply to that last group of TMs. But then about 90 minutes goes by and she sends this.
WW: But I am glad that the kids are enjoying themselves. I truly mean that. Please tell them that I said that and that I love them.

Me: I know u love them. They know it too. Having a good time.
(I attached several pics of the kids having fun at the zoo)

That's the last I've heard from her today. Notice that even though I offered the chance to take kids tonight, she never took me up on it. And she could have easily had them last night and only lost an hour but she chose to throw a hissy fit instead. So plenty of WW drama and I'm not sure how I did, since it was all on the fly and totally unexpected. Did I do OK?


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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I say you killed it. Good job

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dwh15 Offline OP
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Thanks DNTWNT. It's all just such crazy talk I never know how to reply. Notice how I'm bad for doing fun things with the kids. And even for running my AC in the house. It's been hi 80s all week here, why wouldn't I run it? But since WWs AC is broken, I guess I'm supposed to suffer here as well so it's "fair"? Ugh.

The part about me not wanting S8 to be alone with OM in the house when she's not there is true. I was adamant about that. I said that he was free to spend the night, and I would even be happy to pick him up in the morning so she didn't have to take time to bring him home. But somehow I've made the idea unappealing because S8 doesn't like to get up early. How does she come up with this stuff? I guess the only positive is that she did seem to calm down eventually and sent that one last nice TM. Guess I shouldn't be surprised by any of it, but makes me realize I've got a LONG road ahead.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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