I certainly would share that news w/him. I don't think he's moving to your area. I think he's trying to soften you up to drop the settlement or put it on hold. He knows you well and knows how to push your buttons to get what he wants.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think he knows what he wants. I think he is uncomfortable and realizing his family has left him behind. He's tried for months and months to reach out to the girls and they aren't interested in having a relationship with him.
It's been 3.5 years and I DO believe he has achieved some clarity.
I can't imagine life with the addict OW who is on disability for some pysch issue is wonderful.
I do give him credit for being honest-for him, this is fairly honest-I don't think he is with it enough to be sneaky about settlement right now. I think he simply wants to feel less uncomfortable and his addiction has reached a point where he experiencing some bottom out, but he's not there yet.
He says stuff which makes it really clear to me that he isn't dealing with a full deck.
I don't doubt he really misses his family and wants to be closer. But, the thing is...he is missing what we had and WE aren't there anymore. We have moved on. So, he is missing the fantasy of what was, not what IS.
How tragic is that?
For all of you starting out... they do have regrets. They do miss you and the time you had. What you had was real. Don't doubt it. It just takes them years to see it and, by that time, you may not want them in your lives.
I simply can't imagine the work he would have to do to become the man I look for now.
I don't even date guys that smoke.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And, yes Job... he's trying to manipulate. Not out of some sneaky plan though... He's trying to manipulate to FEEL better. It's still all about HIM.
He is trying the old stuff. HE tells me he misses me and so forth and it buys him time to use his drugs and wait on getting the help he needs. His family, in his mind, is still waiting for him.
It's all about buying time with the drugs. Sadly, what used to work with me, doesn't work anymore and he is feeling this reality that he may have lost us forever. All of us.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
That aside, let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he really does miss his life. Should his regrets, without promised and actual action of change take you off your path? Nothing should take you off your path, and your life. Nothing should change for you and your D12. You need that settlement money. He should no longer have the power to dictate your decisions on such matters. Your choices for you and your well-being should not have him in the equation, quite honestly. When/if he decides he wants to make the necessary changes, quit drugs, rebuild a his life, then sure, you can consider at the time if he would make a welcomed addition to the new life you built for yourself.
Stay clear and focused, please. You have done a lot for yourself and D12 to rebuild your life. Keep building it.
Yes, get the divorce DONE and get your settlement money. You need to get your financial life figured out and that's an important piece of it.
Settling the financial aspects of the divorce (let's face it, you've been divorced in all but name only for quite some time) is an important step for you to finish. And it IN NO WAY prevents him from coming back IF he is really sincere, wants to do the work etc. You can even present it to him that way if you want - that maybe you'll get back together in the future, but for right now, you need the divorce done.
Odds are, things aren't working out with the OW - OR he simply isn't ready to pay up yet for the settlement. Don't feel like following through with the divorce is closing the door forever - plenty of people do remarry. IF he were totally sincere (which you doubt, I do too) - but IF he were, nothing is stopping him from stepping up to the plate and wooing you back AFTER a divorce.
The house sold with a $1,000 profit which is sitting in a bank account governed by his atty.
If only there was some settlement money and I would be on it like a monkey on a banana.
He spent a bunch of our retirement. I will get screwed no matter what.
BUT... I hear what everyone is saying. Today, I feel as if getting the settlement done may BE the thing I need to see in order for me to feel whatever.
I DO think though that his effort to see me at the Pretrial Hearing needs to go in the MLC Guinness Book. Is he going to bring a bottle of wine?
"Hey Baby... excuse me Judge..."
WTF
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Please forgive me in advance for the "tough love" but H is not on track for any Guiness World Record. They all act weird and this is textbook. H only said that because you are out of town and it would logically be his opportunity to spread you a few crumbs and keep his options open.
Heather he is not doing anything for you or your daughters. He is not capable and he is not doing anything to become capable.
Right now you are your own worst enemy. You are trying so hard not to move forward. If there is no money then get a divorce like yesterday. The expense of attorney fees are eating up everything. Move on sweetie - the rest of your life is waiting!
If he ever really shows up with a job and some real introspection then deal with it then. You are hurting your girls by holding on to this hot mess. You have to let go or you will be lost for years. Your words are not your actions and it is time to align these things for the good of all the people you love.
Sorry for the soapbox but I care so much for you and your girls. You can be the hero in your story. I put my faith in you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Heather, I want to correct one thing that I posted earlier today. Do not share the news about Ashville. If and when you are have some concrete plans and/or offers of employment, then you can advise him of what your plans are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
