Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Jim. No sage advice mate but I wouldn't text anything in my humble opinion you answered your D from your heart with no other agenda. With reflection you may have answered better and your interaction with W may have gone smoother but with reflection we would not be here

Just my pennies worth

Take care , Rd

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Jim, I agree with RD about not texting. Rather than say anything, just be how you want to be next time. We all have days where it's hard to maintain a pma - luckily for me, my H is never around to see it!!!

Chin up & have a good week, Jim.

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Jim, WW is irrational you said so.

Just change that which you do with D and don't wallow in the rest it is WW noise it seems. I would not text, just change things for your D and yourself.

One handover blunder isn't fatal considering WW tears previously. If she is irrational again and you have changed the interaction then " WW I can see why you think XXXX, but I don't agree lets agree to disagree on this"

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
You know, Jim, I can honestly say ditto what Toots, Vanilla and rd said before me, because they are far more wise than I. wink

Let me say, from my experience, this whole thing is tough. Unlike you, I didn't have young children in the mix and I struggled every single day to stay positive. I would sit at my desk at work and cry. Or I would cry all the way to work or all the way home or many more days than I care to admit, both.

There is no denying that it is probably one of the single toughest things a person ever has to deal with and adding young children to the mix, I can only imagine, makes it even tougher.

You are doing well. You are working on yourself and you have a GREAT attitude from where I'm sitting. One little blunder on your part is not the end of the world...it just means you are human.

Many prayers, hugs and much support coming at you from me and the Molly dog. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Jim m what did you decide ? Did you send message ? Be interested to know

Take care , Rd

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi RD,

Thanks for asking. And thank you to everyone for the input and support.

Your spot on though, with reflection i would do so many things differently. I'd also give my 31 year old self a good kicking.

I let my better judgement (AKA you good people) decide, and so didn't send anything. I still feel like I should apologise because she was right (if not understanding) but its very difficult for me to unpick the emotions of it.

It would have been obvious that I was upset, and I know that's why I wasn't as positive as I should have been and also why I allowed myself to get sucked into a disagreement and also why I drifted in topic to some of the issues that were upsetting me.

Given what I know she said in the past (albeit several months ago now) she may well have interpreted my upset as me trying to make her feel bad, so it possible didn't matter what I said.

An apology might be appropriate but it wouldn't really change anything. Its more important that I remember for all the future times and part of that may be having more of a fall back, go to answer ready.

Something like:
I understand this is important to you and I'm happy to talk about it but I would prefer to do it at another time when I'm not as upset as I am now. I think that's more likely to be constructive. Feel free to ring me after........

Its been a bit of an emotional couple of weeks for me and i'm not really sure why. I think its the more OM1 is involved with the kids and more positive changes I see in my XW (doing all the things I'd practically begged her to do when we were together) the more acutely I'm feeling the loss. I guess its just another stage of grief as I let go and accept what has gone a little bit more. (although this morning I woke up and rolled over expecting my XW to be there even though she hasn't been for nearly 11 months)

S2 is doing OK with it all but he has never really known any different after all he wasn't even 18 months old at BD. D4 gets upset most days but not for very long, usually asking to see mummy but sometimes because she doesn't want to leave me. Either way I make sure they know they are loved and I hope that I'm doing the right things to make the best of this that I can for them.

Struggling a bit with social GAL for the weekend without the kids but I have a couple of household projects lined up instead, one of which I'm really excited to get cracking on.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Jim. It's back to the old 24 hour rule just to give yourself time to step back and think

Re the OM and your kids , of course it's upsetting and your a way better man than me about it. From what I read in your posts here and to others your obviously a very caring , excellent dad Your kids know they are loved and you are doing a great job under very hard circumstances.

Re having a lm answer ready next time , I think it's a great idea but maybe a shirt one that doesn't mention so much

Good luck with the house projects and have a great weekend

Take care. Rd

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hey Jim, just checking in to see how you are doing?? I hope you are having a good weekend and getting on with that house project you were all excited about?

I'm glad you decided not to send that message. Sometimes doing nothing is the best way...

I agree with what RD said - you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances. I think we all go through emotional periods and it is part of moving through this process. The main thing is to keep moving in a good direction - and eventually we will get to a good place in our lives....

Take care lovely Jim xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi All,

I had a good weekend in the end. Out for dinner on friday night with friends, met someone for coffee on saturday then met another group of friends for coffee today. In amongst that I did a few little productive things around the house, nothing too dramatic but useful.

I've also been trying to sort out the arrangements for my holiday next year which has been really positive to do even if it is a long time away.

I did manage to get out on my bike (the pedal kind) a couple of times and am slowly building up the mileage - definitely a lot more enjoyable than running even if it does take longer.

As for XW, well we have seperate lives now and the only reason we have any communication at all is the kids. If it weren't for them then I believe that the next time I heard from her would be when we move forward with the divorce paperwork - that's not how it is obviously because we have two amazing children together but it is the acceptance of that reality (which is now nearly a year old and in truth much older than that) that has the emotional impact on me.

Not helped by the fact that in every two week period I go 6 days (5 nights) without any communication with my kids.

But my life does seem to be moving in a good direction and although I know I will at times feel a bit down about what happened as long as I don't wallow then that's fine.

Thanks for checking in.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Jim

I sense resignation in your tone.

I was concerned about your next handover, is that tomorrow?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard