XW wants lunch with me and...........OM

[tadpole1025]

Journaling:

My (what would have been) 30th anniversary came and went. They get easier, but this one was just a little rough because it was a big one - 30.

I wish I could be happy. All I want is to be happy. I have no fun and nothing to look forward to. I want to be happy more than anything. My "life" is in shambles.....not getting anywhere.

Got some good news from S29. NO part of his wedding or reception will be at XW's place. Thank God. That's one less thing that I have to deal with/worry about.

My life needs to get into high gear.....I have no life. No friends outside of work and I really don't even consider those "friends" with the exception of my lady friend. I have nobody. No family is left and no real friends. I'm starting to realize just how alone I am.

I think I might be slowly getting towards acceptance. Finally.

I did get out this weekend. Went and hung out at the casino for a while and treated myself to a nice dinner. Not really fun, but it did get me out.

Tad

[exquisitetobe]

Tad, if I may,
Acceptance is not only to accept their departure and move on but also accept your life as it is. You create your own life. Unfortunately, your x-wife doesn' t want to be part of it in the same way you do right now..
What needs to change in order for you to feel good ?? Because I garanty that if she was to come crying at your door tonight, you would be VERY reluctant in taking her in. So, it is not in relation to her !! What is it? When you find the answer, you will have reach acceptance in all it' s form and shape.

[Drew]

Tad,

You should really consider getting some professional help.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Exquisite and Drew.

I've been away for a while. Been trying to get my head straight. Just updating and shooting from the hip, but first:

Because if she was to come crying at your door tonight, you would be VERY reluctant in taking her in. So, it is not in relation to her !! What is it? When you find the answer, you will have reach acceptance in all it' s form and shape.

I'm not sure. For the most part, I think life is good. I have bad days and sometimes even bad weeks, but overall, I'm ok except for a few changes I've noticed in myself. Mostly, my love for animals and a strange desire to protect them. All of them. It's very very VERY strange. My stepbrother that I rarely talk to posted something on my Facebook page about going dove hunting back when we were kids. (Our grandfather used to take us.) I actually removed the post because I felt ashamed and didn't want anyone to know that I used to do that back when I was 10 years old. I felt terrible.

And yes, you are right. I DO NOT WANT EX BACK. Period. That "want" left long ago.

Drew, I've got mixed feelings about that. I've done it a few times in the past and wasn't really happy with it....may need to go again.

Just random stuff:

I haven't seen my "friend" at work in a while. She has been in Hawaii with her mom. She'll be back to work on Wednesday. I've kind of missed her. (Probably not good.) Her birthday is also Wednesday. I bought her a little glass handmade Penguin. That's her favorite animal. (Mine too.) She brought me a Penguin made out of stone a few months back when she went to Tucson. So, I'll give her the Penguin I got for her on Wednesday when she returns to work.

Last week on the way home from work, I was at a gas station and saw a little kitten roaming around the premises. I went back in and purchased some cat food and gave it to the cat. Two days later, I saw it dead in the road in front of the gas station. It physically made me sick. I was very sick to my stomach for about 30 minutes. (That's happened a few times.)

I've never been like this. As mentioned above, I used to hunt doves and quail and go fishing. To be honest, I just never cared. I think it is a good quality to have, but I think it is a little extreme with me.

My Arizona Cardinals are 2-0! I'm also in a fantasy league with S29. I'm also 2-0 in my league. Speaking of leagues, we are still considering joining a bowling league. Just haven't got around to it....

I've decided to actually do something for ME next summer. I'm going on a cruise. I've been thinking about going on a singles cruise or something for a while, but I've decided to take an Alaskan cruise instead. I want to see the whales.

With the exception of a restaurant here and there, I'm still not getting out. Was going to swim tonight, but it is getting cloudy and looking like rain.

I worked 60 hours this week. It was offered so I took it. I figured if I'm not going to do anything anyways, I might as well work and make some extra money.

I'm going to go for now. Just wanted to update.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
You have a good heart and the kindness you should the kitty was heartwarming. I'm only sorry that the little guy was killed the next day. Have you given any thought to possibly getting a kitten? They can be indoors and probably are no more work than what you experienced with your ratties? A kitten would be a great companion for you and they have just as much unconditional love as a rattie.

I think a cruise would do you a world of good and it would give you something to look forward to. The Alaskan cruises are great and the scenery is beautiful. You would certainly enjoy yourself.

Tad, you are going to be okay. It just takes time to dig out of the deep, dark hole. Take it one day at a time.

[exquisitetobe]

It' s good to hear from you Tad!
I am 6 yrs past BD and I have my days.. I' m wondering if it is LIFE in general or a by-product of my XH' s departure. Like you, I KNOW he is NOT welcome back in my life and therefore, I have to live the best life I can with what I have. And it is not perfect but life is good

[job]

Correction to my posting in the first paragraph:

"You have a good heart and the kindness you "showed" the kitty was heartwarming."

Sorry about the typo.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and Exquisite.

Have you given any thought to possibly getting a kitten?

I have thought about it, but I kind of want a little dog instead. I'm waiting until I get my own place next summer.

I am 6 yrs past BD and I have my days.. I' m wondering if it is LIFE in general or a by-product of my XH' s departure. Like you, I KNOW he is NOT welcome back in my life and therefore, I have to live the best life I can with what I have. And it is not perfect but life is good.

I agree. I think that I will forever be scarred by this, but it does get better. As Job says, it takes a long time to dig out of this deep, dark hole.

I thought today was the perfect day to start a new thread since today is the 5 year anniversary of bomb drop. It can be found here:

Five Years Ago Today

Tad

[forward]

I don't see many familiar names but yours is one. I hope things are going a bit better.

"I have no fun and nothing to look forward to. I want to be happy more than anything."

You can do this but you will have to do it yourself. What do you like to do? If you can't recall, what did you used to like to do? You can find ways to have fun again.