It seems like every time I am almost ready to say goodbye to this board, something comes up. Here we go:
Yesterday, S29 comes over and tells me that he is going to be getting married in April or May.
I've always known that my boys will all be getting married someday and I'd be attending their weddings with XW and OM in attendance. I've accepted that and am ok with that but.....
He then informs me that he is probably going to have the ceremony and XW's house!!!! Apparently. XW is ok with it. Matter of fact, she wants to have a couple of lunches before that with me and OM to "clear the air."
Please tell me that it is ok for me to not want to participate. I don't want lunch with her or the douchebag OM and I surely don't want to go to her house.
I don't know what surprises me the most, the fact that S29 thought it would be ok or the fact that XW wants me at her house. Hell, at one point I wasn't even allowed to have her address.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL????
S29 also stated that when he told XW he was getting married, she just shrugged it off and started talking about herself again. He even said, "It's all about her."
No sh!t.
Anyways, I told him I would go to the wedding, but not at XW's house. So....I may not be going to my own son's wedding unless it is at a different venue.
Am I wrong?
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Hi Tad - Yucky!! Well, I certainly wouldnt sign up for the 'clear the air' lunches. And perhaps say to your S - hey, have whatever wedding you want, but I gotta tell you - I truly dont feel comfortable being in attendance at a function hosted by your Mom & douche bag at their house...
great plan with the league - 'regular GAL' the best kind!
:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Generally, I would say at a wedding, it's the divorced parents' job to suck it up and not place a burden on their kids. Nonetheless - expecting you to go to a wedding at her house does seem a bit much.
Since it's obvious he doesn't want it there because mom is so supportive - what exactly IS the reason for your son's choice? Does she live in a palatial mansion? Is there no other free venue available? Did mom offer to pay for the wedding if they had it there?
I think it's entirely reasonable to tell son that you want to be at his wedding and that it's important to you, but that particular choice of venue is especially painful for you - then suggest some other options.
If it turns out this IS the only good free option - then I would buck up and go.
And me personally, I wouldn't want to spend an uncomfortable lunch with ex and her husband. I'd just reassure them that you won't misbehave - and then line up some totally hot chick to be your date
(Btw, I recently had a somewhat similar situation - my oldest son's college graduation party, held at my ex's house. He's remarried to an 18-years younger woman. Luckily for me, she is NOT the OW - they didn't start dating until about a year after we split. And I try not to hold the fact that she's Asian against her (my ex had an affair with an Asian woman, but really, that's not his current wife's fault, is it?).
Anyway, since I have nothing against her personally, that does make it better. But I'm still so angry at my ex for the ways he has not helped our kids since the divorce, I found I really could not stand to be around him. I made sure to be at opposite sides of the party at all times, and the one time he came and sat down near me I immediately found someone across the yard that I had to go talk to. It was awkward but I put on a sociable face for my kid - AND it didn't hurt to show up with my tall, dark and handsome boyfriend either
You have a long time to prepare, so make it your mission to have at least a good friend who can accompany you when the time comes.
It seems like every time I am almost ready to say goodbye to this board, something comes up. Here we go:
Yesterday, S29 comes over and tells me that he is going to be getting married in April or May.
I've always known that my boys will all be getting married someday and I'd be attending their weddings with XW and OM in attendance. I've accepted that and am ok with that but.....
He then informs me that he is probably going to have the ceremony and XW's house!!!! Apparently. XW is ok with it. Matter of fact, she wants to have a couple of lunches before that with me and OM to "clear the air."
Please tell me that it is ok for me to not want to participate. I don't want lunch with her or the douchebag OM and I surely don't want to go to her house.
I don't know what surprises me the most, the fact that S29 thought it would be ok or the fact that XW wants me at her house. Hell, at one point I wasn't even allowed to have her address.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL????
S29 also stated that when he told XW he was getting married, she just shrugged it off and started talking about herself again. He even said, "It's all about her."
No sh!t.
Anyways, I told him I would go to the wedding, but not at XW's house. So....I may not be going to my own son's wedding unless it is at a different venue.
Am I wrong?
Tad
Tad,
Hopefully it will be a long engagement so that your son and his bride will find another suitable option. After all, your son did say "It's all about her" Perhaps the gift of time will serve your son & his fiance well.
Did you see Michele's FB post today? It is "Before You Tie the Knot"
Check it out! Cristy
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Christy, I haven't read the article yet, but will check it out.
I forgot to mention, S29 also wants his brothers in the wedding. S24 also wants no part of it if it is at XW's. There is definitely a rip in the family.
As for the wedding. I believe they are thinking about having it there because it is a free venue. I'll do all it takes to find another one if I have to.
I am NOT going to lunch and I am NOT going to the wedding at XW's house. Period. I can suck it up somewhere else, but not there.
There is nothing that would keep me from any of my son's weddings except.....
It's the worst possible scenario. Only me...
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
City parks and beaches Elks Club halls or similar Some friends' apartment/condo complexes may have a clubhouse that can be rented Other friends or families homes
I think that is asking entirely too much of anyone too soon. Perhaps if you both were happily remarried and OM was not the 3rd person in your marriage. Perhaps if several years had passed...
Stay strong. You are doing well to set your boundary.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Tad, might it be an option for you to help with the cost of funding a modest venue for the wedding?? And maybe come up with a couple of other potential options for them to consider?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm going to have a bit of a lengthly post to you, but I really, really want you to hear me out.
First, I understand how you are feeling, COMPLETELY. I feel your pain, and I know what must be going through your mind. I lived this, probably to a greater extent, and I want to share my story and opinion before you make this decision.
My ex left me for OW when our daughter was 6 months old. I found later, that the cheating began in my pregnancy, my pregnancy that was on some levels a miracle. He left me at a time I was forming a bond with my daughter for this woman, brought her into our D's life almost immediately, and went onto marry her by the time our D was 3. I actually did not meet OW until after they were married. I didn't do it until I absolutely had to. My ex had surgery, was laid up, and I had to meet to exchange my D with her. Soon after that we had our first event together when my daughter graduated preschool.
I was about the most resistant person to OW. She was a homewrecker who stole family. I hated her with everything I had. But reality was, as long as they stayed together, she was going to be a part of my daughters life forever. And at this point, honestly, even if they divorced, and I'd never believed I would say this, I'd keep her in my daughter's life, even if he didn't.
My D7 has lots of events. she's in cheerleading and dance, and I know I have to see her at her games and recitals. Would I ever ever miss any of these events because she is there? OMG no! That would be the worst thing I could do to my daughter and myself. The wedding, the first baby..... we will all be there.
You actually have a gift in all of this. Your kids are grown. Wedding and grandkids are the only things you have to share. I desperately urge you not to miss your son's wedding even if it is held at her house. Then she wins, and you and your son lose. Lose out on one of the biggest days of your son's life. You cannot hand that power over to her. It is really not worth it in the least.
However, there is no reason for you to have lunch with the both of them. Or even talk to OM if you really don't want to. I do agree that if this is a financial reason that your son is choosing your ex's home, you can explain it makes you feel uncomfortable, explore other options with him, or offer to help financially. But if there is no other option, I really would urge you not to miss your son's wedding.
Why let them take really important special life events away from you and your son? Why give them that much power?
I say this all, because I have and am currently living it, and probably will be for the rest of my life, and I'd be dammed if those two ever take away precious moments in my my life and my daughter's life.
