I'm finding that having no contact with him makes me feel distant from him. Won't he be feeling the same thing? Now the OW can fill the space that I am leaving.
That's the idea. As long as he's getting some of his emotional and physical needs met by you, and some by his OW, then he's never going to change the path he is on. Letting illicit affair partners be together, warts and all, can often take the mystique off of the relationship. So that's part of it.
But he also needs to feel like he's losing YOU. I've been at this here on this forum (as Starsky and previously two other usernames, going back over 11 years and over 25,000 posts, studying affairs) and I have never YET seen a marriage saved when there was infidelity involved, where the cheating spouse didn't have a credible fear that they were beginning to lose their betrayed spouse.
Until he credibly fears that he might lose you, you'll never get him back.
Now, don't get me wrong -- people caught up in affairs often don't CARE if they lose you, so it's not guaranteed to work. But I can guarantee you it WON'T work if he thinks he's just got you sitting there like a puppy dog as his "plan B" if things don't work out with his OW.
People value most that which is difficult to achieve, and us men especially like the the thrill of the hunt.
Also, I told him that this OW and him are not going to work out. She lives across the country and the relationship started with lies. I told him this was just a blip in our marriage and that he would come back to me. I also said that I would wait for him. That made him cry.
You can't teach an infidel. Stop trying to teach him. At best you can land little "truth darts" here and there, and if what you said above only gets said OCCASIONALLY (no more than once every couple of weeks) then okay -- those are actually two pretty good truth darts.
But more importantly, you do NOT want to communicate endless patience. Instead of "I will wait for you," it's best to say "I won't live in an open marriage. I don't want a divorce, but neither will I allow myself and our family to be disrespected like this. You need to know that, and you need to know that I won't wait forever. We both have some big decisions to make."
THAT is strong, and THAT is attractive. Neediness and supplication is never attractive.
Starsky
P.S. Look up a poster named Train, and read her threads. I'll ask her to stop by yours, too. She successfully DB'd her marriage using a combination of strength and flirty mysteriousness with her wayward husband.
I did tell him that I thought his time away would be good for both of us to figure out what we want. I have been feeling stronger without him here. I can see a future without him not that that is what I want obviously.
My kids do not know what's going on with us either. My D, who lives away from home, recently started asking when is Dad coming home. He couldn't give her an answer and neither could I. Then she just came out with it and asked what's going on.
I told my H and he decided he doesn't want to tell the kids over the phone so he's coming home for a couple of weeks. How should I handle his being home? How much should we tell the kids? I don't know if he'll reveal the OW. I doubt it.
Since I learned about the A, I have been taking better care of myself, bike riding, and I've lost over 20lbs. As a result of the weight loss, I have been able to wear my wedding ring again. So I've been wearing that and also a heart locket the my H gave me a couple of years ago. He definitely noticed that I was wearing both.
Now I'm thinking maybe I should take off my ring and locket to show him that I'm rethinking things. Would that be a good or bad move? I don't know. Should I keep my ring on or not?
How do I do the LRT without making it seem like I've moved on? I don't want H to think that. He's already told me to go ahead and date. He says maybe I'll find someone to make me happy.
My H is coming home for a few weeks tomorrow. I don't know how to act towards him. I haven't contacted him for a week now. Do I act as if everything is fine with me and that I'm getting on with my life? I really don't want to make the wrong move.
Another fear I have regarding the LRT is that it may be more of the same. One of the problems in our relationship is that neither one of us communicated our needs very well. We would give little hints but not fully put it out there and then expect the other person to be able to read their mind. We didn't want to hurt each others feelings.
If I'm acting as if I'm moving on and GAL and not communicating how I am really feeling, isn't that just more of the same behaviour?
I'm not a veteran here, but since nobody else has answered, I'll give it a try:
It sounds great that you have taken well care of yourself. The saying around here is 'become a partner that only a fool would leave' - meaning, show yourself from your best side.
Have a positive attitude, have plans (personally, I wouldn't date or pretend to date - I'd go out with girlfriends and do things with the kids, but I told my H that I wasn't looking to date, I was committed to my marriage as long as I was married).
Be informed. Know your rights, know what you need in order to become independent, use your support system. The more you know about your future, the more you feel that you can manage, the more confidence you will exude. But let H take the lead - you're not interested in getting a D, so don't make it easy for him.
When it comes to communication, I would be straightforward but keep it positive. The way I behaved towards H when I found out about his affair (he tried to say we were separated while I was away for a few months), was to answer his questions clearly, ask questions, but not throw fits or get upset. The calm communication helped demystify the A and OW quite a bit, I think.
My overall attitude was: I'm committed to saving my M. It will require work and I think I will be able to forgive, but H will have to do his part and things will have to be very different - obviously we were both unhappy and we have to figure that out.
And I have to wonder... He went to visit OW - is this the first time he has seen her? And he's coming back for a few weeks on his own initiative? I wonder if it wasn't so great there after all... But don't let him think you suspect that, if you do.
Does your D live nearby? Is your son also his son?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It was too late to add it to my post, but a crucial part of our progress has been how DB and DR, and especially the posts here on 180s, helped me find out what I needed to change about myself. It has been a journey of self-improvements just as much as a relationship rescue. And I like myself a lot better these days!
I just re-read your posts to see if I could find out when you first found out about OW and how long the A has been going on, how they met and when it turned in to a PA.
I realized you have been together since you were both 15! I guess your H is wondering about what he has missed out on... Maybe you should read about midlife crisis and see if you think it fits?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
