Hoping to find some strength through a trying time.
Been married 8 years with 2 girls (6 & 3).
Big issues started in memorial day. We went to a friends house and my wife and a mutual friend were talking about photography. No issues there, but later in the evening and a few beers later she drops her phone and I picked it up for him. Quick glance showed me she's messaging this guy at the party. I tell her I want to leave and we go.
We get home and plop on the couch. I open the laptop and her Facebook is wide open when I do. And that's when I notice they're still messaging. I sit and watch her while she flirts back and forth with him till she calls him trouble and claims that she's trouble too. She immediately deletes that response and I blow up on her.
We get into a big fight and she claims it's because he pays attention to her where I don't and goes on to say she hasnt been happy for over five years.
The next day after cooling off she agrees to elimante contact with him and unfriends him.
A few weeks later I pull up to the commissary and she's there. We talk a few minutes and I go in as she's leaving. A couple minutes later he walks in. Confronted her and she claimed to not have seen him.
Fast forward a couple of months and we've been working on issues with rough spots here and there. Yesterday I asked to borrow her phone (which now has a PW on it and never did before).
She's on her phone constantly and a part of me feels like she's messaging him when she is. So I check her Facebook and there is he on the top of her Facebook searches but no messages from him. Confront her about and she says that search could have been from anytime but I know how Facebook works.
She denies she has had any contact with him but I can't shake the pit in my gut that's telling me otherwise. Just not sure what to do.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yuck. I've so been here. I suspected something was going on w/ my H off & on over the course of 3-4 months. I kept quiet until I found something concrete... him emailing back & forth w/ him mentioning meeting at a hotel & various other flirtatious comments. That same night I also found a picture of her on his phone. I confronted him then but he continued it up for 2 more weeks before I found more emails that showed me the affair was continuing. Then I confronted again & he was scared at this point & he suggested counseling & said he would definitely end it.
So I guess I would say get concrete evidence & then proceed? I think if I had only had flirtatious emails, we would have not gotten into counseling & he would not have officially ended it with her.
Sorry you are in this spot... it is a bad place to be.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
After I made the original post I confronted my wife and she convinced me that nothing was going on. I decided I didn't need this site. Boy, was I wrong.
To get into what's going on, you'll need to know that I'm in the military (USAF), and currently stationed in Belgium. We've been here for about a year and a half now.
We went back to the states to visit family last month. My wife is still there. We stayed with my parents, and went on a road trip with hers.
Things were awkward most of the time. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and she'd be on here phone (we were 7 hours behind Belgium time). I asked him 3-5 times while I was back in the states if she was having an affair. Always got a no, sometimes she made me feel guilty for asking.
I came back last Saturday and as what the plan always was, she stayed back with the girls so they could enjoy their grandparents for a couple more weeks before coming back to Belgium to start school.
When I left, I left a decent note. We vowed to each other to work on our issues when she got back, to seek counseling. Made love the morning before I left.
The whole last week goes by pretty decently. We're communicating pretty decently, and things to seem steady in the right direction.
This past Sunday I wake up and notice she hasn't even read my messages from when I went to bed that evening. She had every other night and for some reason my gut was telling me something was off.
I broke into her Facebook account and there was the affair in all it's glory. The same pictures she was sending to me of my kids she was also sending to him. They expressed their deep love for each other, their plans on building something great, and even the fact they've had sex.
Me shaking with rage, called her, messaged her, did anything to get a hold of her so I could yell at her, tell her I hated her and that I knew she was lying to me. Being 7 hours ahead, it was 900 AM and she was sound asleep.
I did the next thing I thought to do. I messaged one of her good friends here and revealed the affair. I messaged her sister, and my parents to reveal the affair. I told my supervisor.
I messaged him, and told him I knew about the affair with my wife. I told him he had better tell his wife before I did. I saved all of the messages on my phone.
The other guy is in the army unit that shares our base. He accused me of harassing him and threatened to press charges. He then messages my wife, not realizing I have access to her facebook, and asks if there was any truth in my allegations.
When she wakes up and sees what I found, she doesn't even message me. She messages him, dumbfounded about the fact that I found them.
Finally she messages me. She's angry with me, what is there to say she says. She tries to convince me they didn't have sex, even if it was in the messages. She later confesses to everything.
It's now Tuesday. The past few days have been some of the hardest and longest in my life. They have apparently broken off everything, blocked each other on facebook, my wife deactivated hers because of her shame.
My emotions are all over the place. One minute I tell her I want her to come back so we can fix this. The next I'm telling her to stay, that I can't get over this betrayal. I picture them having sex in my head and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I try to stay busy during the day. Go to the gym and work around the house. But in the evening, with me and the quiet house my thoughts and emotions fight to strangle me.
I'm going to schedule meetings with military therapists. I hope they can help me work through this pain. I feel so lost, i've never known hurt like this before.
Shimmy I hope they can help you too, however you have to help yourself right now.
There is no magic buttons or pills that will FIX this, just lots of hard work. Read the homework and start working on yourself, I was also in the Air Force a long time ago. Thank you for your service.
Are you eating, sleeping, exercising and just breathing? Start with those basics.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
