LBS trying to get it right

[sandi2]

I want to wear my ring but I am not sure if it is just to remind me what I have lost will it give her the message that I have given up on our marriage and I am moving on if I remove it

Have you read the link on what detachment really means?

As you may know we are living in the same house when it comes to going out and doing things obviously I have to think of my four children and being there for them....this was one of the things my wife said was the cause of her deciding to S was me not spending enough time with them so I have changed my working hours so I am arround at breakfast time so that I am always there

How does she act with you always being there? Has she said anything about it, other than asking for more space?

How many days should I look to GAL each week do I suggest 3 days each or just see how it lays.. currently we have suggested she does a Saturday I do a Sunday evening

Suggest to whom, your W? Don't spend all your GAL with kids. To me, that's not GAL, that's just being a parent.

The other was me.not spending enough time with her making Her feel loved and cherished so I know I cannot do anything about W

Has she actually said she wants you to spend more time with her NOW? Has she told you she wants you to do things to cause her to feel more love & cherished NOW? When she complained about this, was it not in regards to the past, before she wanted to separate?

[ATPeace]

Hi sandi2

I have read the link on detachment I will re read it to try to understand further

I have now taken off my ring I think I was mainly keeping it on to remind me what I had lost and to channel my thought on keeping doing all the right things things that I should have done in the past but I realise I do not need a ring to do this.

She acts fine arround me to be honest. We get along well. We are not fighting she still cooks for me and I cook for her and our children she does my laundry and I do hers. I know he mindset and mine are at different points. I think she is happy that I am arround in the mornings to help with the breakfast and the school runs and it is nice for me to see the kids before they go off to school.

She wanted her own space which his fair enough so I have started to convert the home office into a downstairs bedrrom I guess the point I was making was during the M she felt I was not there for her enough I did not spend the quality of tie with her to make her feel special and when she dropped the B I flipped myself 180 and was trying to spend a lot of my time in her company and she felt I was crowding her so I now try to give her more space as this is what she asked for.

No she has not asked me to do more things with her she has not asked me to try to make her feal loved and cherished NOW this was what she wated during the M. Now she says do not worry about me you need to be there for the kids become w better father.

I know I have to detach I will re read the thread on detaching but it is just so hard to let go on a relationship of 25 years

Day to day I honestly do not know how I am going to cope with us not being an us

Having the support from here is keeping me going
Thank you

Gary

[ATPeace]

I have a question re GAL

my W suggested that she goes out on Saturday nights and I go out Sunday nights she has got plans for two weeks time but I have a friend that wants me to go out with him on the same Saturday night what do you think I should do if I go out then this may/will cause her problems with her going out but in the same breath I would like to see a friend and start GAL Myself

[Fogg]

Just make sure you're taking off the ring because that's what you want. Not to get a reaction from W or prove anything to anyone.

Detaching is a long difficult process and something that won't happen overnight. GAL and finding what you love to do, being happy, these are ways you detach over time. Respecting your W's decision to leave you and showing her and yourself you can live without her if needed.

We tell you the M is over and this is the truth. At this point in she wants to be single. However, don't confuse letting go for giving up. You let go of what happens with her and accept she may never come back. She might, things change. You can always keep hope the two of you will end up together and have a chance to rebuild a new M. Nothing wrong with that,it's what I still pray for daily. It's what I ultimately want. I'm just not in denial that this may not happen,but I will be ok either way. Just like you will. Time will heal the wounds, you just have to take it day by day.

[Fogg]

You have a few options if you do want to go.

Talk to her and see if there is a way both of you can have your plan. Work together.

Find a baby sitter and go out with your friend.

See if your friend can go out another night.

However, you can't just go with thd friend and screw her plans over when she let you know of them in advance, that wouldn't be respectful. Nothing wrong with wanting to see your friend but you have to work with her still because of the children. If her taking all Saturdays will conflict with you work it out with her to maybe swap each week.

[ATPeace]

Fogg

Thank you for your support I am greatful

We are at 2 completely different points

I want to work to saving the M and She is looking at moving forward with little or no interest in saving it

I do not see a way back from this so got to try to move on

Thank you all

Will post again soon

[ATPeace]

I am a long way from giving up I just do not have any idea how long she can walk away before she will never turn back she might be at this point already I just feel the longer she walks the further she will go and the less chance I will have of her coming back

Sorry to go on

Gary

[ATPeace]

I keep reading the rules and I am trying my best to follow them

but I want to want to write her a letter apologising for how I made her do feel during the M
I want to write saying things will be different
To let her know I have made mistakes and not been the husband I should have been
To remind her the good times
I feel othe best years of our M was still to come
Remind her of our wedding vows for better or worse in sickness and in health

This cannot be the best for our children
I know it is not the best for me surely after 17 years marriage there has to be a part of her that still would consider my needs and feelings I inow I still consider hers

I know she is so very sad for making this choice
Deep down I know she still loves me

BUT I KNOW I CANNOT DO THIS
[censored] [censored] [censored] why did I [censored] this up

[WhyUs]

Ghost,

I wrote that exact letter to my WW. It did not do a thing to help the situation. Of course, my WW was having an EA so it may be different for you. I would wait to get advice from a vet before doing it.

[Fogg]

Write any letter you want and put it on here as as outlet but don't send it or give it to her. That would be full of you pursuit and more of the same to her. Here's the thing. She knows you love her,she knows you want to do anything so save the M, everything you said, she knows you will say that. She doesn't want/doesn't believe it. Everytime you say "things will be different" you are showing her they wont. You want to save your M, stop talking.

Consistent actions over time are what will show her. Not just a few weeks but months and months. When you change for yourself, that is the only time she can believe you will.

Here's an example. You said before she was angry that you put yourself first and didn't consider her. Right now she wants to be single and separate. You want to be M. You not accepting her feeling and still putting yourself first,that is showing you haven't changed.

Move forward with your life and change, for you. It may just be what saves your M.