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Defacto Offline OP
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Journaling:
I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Had a wonderful time with the kids. We went to the circus and the zoo and I just cherished every moment with them.

Had a few phone interactions with STBX. She continues to mention missing me and the family. I validate and share when appropriate. She asked to have breakfast on Sunday morning but I tell her the kids and I already had plans for the zoo.
----
STBX called this morning. She is obviously still conflicted. She started by saying she was sorry. I aloofly asked her for what. She said for how everything fell apart so fast.

She said she just doesn't know how it will turn out. I ask her what she wants to happen. She said she doesn't know and asks me the same question. I respond by saying I'm not so sure either anymore.

She then talked about how she has thought about getting back together many times. She then asks if she could open up to me. I respond affirmatively. STBX says she would have a problem ML because of her marital rape allegation and she couldn't imagine being in a MR like that. I validate her concern, say that I would have some issues too, and mention that if we ever started to work on our relationship again, we would obviously need some help to work through everything. She agrees.

STBX then asked me if I was dating. I kind of laughed and told her that I wasn't ready for that yet and was spending all my energy on the kids. Somewhere in the conversation, I mention that I have learned a lot about myself that I would be able to apply to my next relationship with her or somebody else.

Then, STBX spent a lot of time talking about the group of friends she lost through all this. I just listened and validated. She got emotional recounting the difficulty of her lost friendships. I did say that time can heal a lot of things.

After a little while, I said that I had to run for work but if she wanted to continue this conversation some time to let me know. She tearfully thanked me and said she would. We then said our pleasant goodbyes.

STBX opened up a few times over the weekend but this call was a little more in depth than the previous calls. I plan to pull back a little over the next few days, as I will have the next three nights to myself.

As usual, I will try not to have any expectations. I feel like my best approach here is to be patient and continue to do what I have been doing.

Any feedback or suggestions?


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 121
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Good Job Def!!!

You are doing so well in your sitch. Very Inspiring. Keep it up.


T14 M5
SD15,D8,S6,D3
"Not Happy" 12/11/14
EA discovered 2/11/15
MC started 2/17/15
MC "put on hold" 4/3/15
W IC started 4/5/15
PA admitted 5/7/15
WW moves out 5/8/15
WW gets her own place 7/15/15
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Defacto Offline OP
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Thanks Jeff! Like anybody, I'm always second guessing myself though. Just need to be reminded that this is going to take a while to resolve, regardless of the outcome.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Def, I think you did really really well. Just to clarify - the marital rape allegation? Was that an allegation she made in respect of your M? Feel free not to answer if this is too personal a question.

The only part where I thought you should play it cool was this:

"but if she wanted to continue this conversation some time to let me know"

I'm being pedantic, but it looks a little like pursuit. She knows where you are if she wants to talk again, you don't need to offer....but really I think you did great in general - I'm only being picky!

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Defacto Offline OP
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Toots,
Thanks for checking in on me!
Totally agree how the invitation to STBX to talk further could be viewed as pursuit. I justify it, rightly or wrongly, as me planting a seed for her future pursuit if she wants to actually take me up on my offer. Kind of that back and forth dance.

I do want to clarify the marital tape allegation, especially as it could help me get some much needed perspective. STBX told me after BD during a MC session that sometime after the birth of S1 I pressured her into ML when she didn't want to. She does admit that she never asked me to stop during the incident in question. The incident was never discussed and we continued to ML months after the incident, including twice after BD. My STBX does have previous incidents of assault, with which I helped her to begin to deal with early in our R and felt I have been very supportive throughout. Even today, she admits that this only happened once during our R and she knows it is not in my nature.

I obviously take her allegation seriously and I understand that her feelings are paramount here. I can't stress enough that I feel horrible that I made her feel that way, even if not intended. However, a part of me can't help but think she is just using this isolated incident as some justification for her actions. Immediately after I exposed A, she also made other wild, untrue allegations that haven't been brought up since.

Just not sure how I should respond in the future if she continues to bring up this incident...


Last edited by Defacto; 07/27/15 05:41 PM.

Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
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Wow, de facto, my ww brought up the same thing. She said there were a couple times 4-5 throughout our 14 year history that she would have sex with me even though she didn't want to and wouldn't say no or ask to stop during. Looking back in those moments I guess I essentially wore her down by almost begging in a sense. Nothing physical or threatening like most assume when rape is brought up.

Every time happened after I was drinking, but no where near every time I drank did this occur. We would talk about it the next morning and it seemed to be ok and we'd continue to have sex.

She tried to get therapy, but in the end, didn't do the work or want to do the work to get past it.

I hate it because I take that extremely seriously and definitely don't consider myself someone who would take and violate someone else. However, if you say "ok" and have sex with me how do I know you don't want to. For me it felt like every sitcom you'd see. Married guy wants sex from his wife and she doesn't give in very often so he begs and pleads and eventually she say ok and he's happy.

That was a lot of our relationship, but I never constituted that as rape.


M-33
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S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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Interactions with W look great defacto, keep up the great work. That allegation she's made is tough with the situation you're in but I think your doing the beat you can. I can understand thinking it may be her justifying things that have happened. You atill validated her concerns and told her professional help would be needed. I'm not sure you can fully apologize for something that may or may not happened but you are respecting the fact that right now she has those feelings and aren't discounting them. In the future if things do change it can be something that's looked into deeper with help.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Originally Posted By: Ripken8
Wow, de facto, my ww brought up the same thing. She said there were a couple times 4-5 throughout our 14 year history that she would have sex with me even though she didn't want to and wouldn't say no or ask to stop during. Looking back in those moments I guess I essentially wore her down by almost begging in a sense. Nothing physical or threatening like most assume when rape is brought up.

Every time happened after I was drinking, but no where near every time I drank did this occur. We would talk about it the next morning and it seemed to be ok and we'd continue to have sex.

She tried to get therapy, but in the end, didn't do the work or want to do the work to get past it.

I hate it because I take that extremely seriously and definitely don't consider myself someone who would take and violate someone else. However, if you say "ok" and have sex with me how do I know you don't want to. For me it felt like every sitcom you'd see. Married guy wants sex from his wife and she doesn't give in very often so he begs and pleads and eventually she say ok and he's happy.

That was a lot of our relationship, but I never constituted that as rape.

Thanks for sharing from your personal sitch, Rip. I often wonder why my STBX didn't bring up this incident before BD but then I realize that she probably didn't feel safe sharing that with me due to the present state of MR. For me, just like with all the other issues in my sitch, I need to strongly consider how my STBX feels about the incident. Based on her past, I highly doubt she would exaggerate her feelings about something this serious. However, when she has mentioned this incident previously, she brings it up like a cataloging of my past wrongs to counteract her misdeeds. Like a "I know I did something wrong but do all of our friends know what you did wrong" kind of thing.
Originally Posted By: Fogg
Interactions with W look great defacto, keep up the great work. That allegation she's made is tough with the situation you're in but I think your doing the beat you can. I can understand thinking it may be her justifying things that have happened. You atill validated her concerns and told her professional help would be needed. I'm not sure you can fully apologize for something that may or may not happened but you are respecting the fact that right now she has those feelings and aren't discounting them. In the future if things do change it can be something that's looked into deeper with help.

Thanks Fogg. I think that is really the only way to deal with this incident in the future. I will respond with the sensitivity required when brought up again. If we ever R, this will be another item for the therapist to work with us on.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 630
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Defacto,

Great job interacting with your wife. It looks like things are moving in the right direction. I stated that your wife has lost a lot of friendships. Does she have friends that have stood by her during this time? Are there people who support what she as done?


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Originally Posted By: WhyUs
Defacto,

Great job interacting with your wife. It looks like things are moving in the right direction. I stated that your wife has lost a lot of friendships. Does she have friends that have stood by her during this time? Are there people who support what she as done?

Thanks for the support. Her closest friends know about the A. They have drifted apart because of they won't support her actions. She has made a lot of new friends at work. I'm sure they have supported her as some are divorced themselves but I don't know how much they know about everything.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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