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Hi BW! I know. Poor Matt's circumstances got to me too. I will be more thoughtful on here.

I think you worked really hard in that conversation. It must have been emotionally hard for you, and him following when you were upset wasn't his best move. I liked how you realized your mistakes and are committed to working on them. I don't think we can have perfect DB conversations all the time, but when we do slip, we need to just be more careful in the future. I think Zues has some good suggestions in there for you too.

Good job trying to work with him and be present!

*Hugs*
E


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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Erinn, thank you for reinforcing my point but also doing it with the encouragement and support my last post fell short in. From where BT was I think she gave her all, I just happen to think she is truly within grasp of not only saving her M but making it better, and for that I am rooting strongly.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Absolutely, Zues! I think your post had a lot of great insight which is just as important as encouragement. We need people to be straight with us so that we can recognize our weak areas and grow stronger.

E


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Joined: Jan 2015
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Hi BT. How are you doing?


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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You did a very nice job w/this conversation. He's upset that your family is coming to town because he doesn't know if they know about the situation. They like to keep things status quo and have everyone think that things are okay. He's concerned that he will be judged for what he's done by your family. That's the stressors he's got going on w/them being there and also, he would have to keep up appearances too.

Notice how he used the word divorce to try to get you to chance your mind? They like to toss that threat around when they feel that they are being pushed up against the wall. It's their way of getting us to back off and when he saw you weren't, he slowly changed his tune. This was an excellent move on your part to stand your ground on your family visiting.

No matter what you do or don't do, right now, he'll pick it to death and tell you that you are insensitive. Bottom line, that's projection on his part. His empathy chip is broken and of course he doesn't understand why you would care about the affair. To him, it was a booty call w/no strings attached.

How can you understand what he feels or is thinking when he doesn't understand himself? If he doesn't share things w/you, you certainly can't pull out the good old crystal ball and find out. You aren't a mind reader.

Listen to what he has to say, sift through the garbage coming out of his mouth and only take away what is meaningful. Trust me, if you sit quietly and listen, you'll find out more about what your h is doing and what he is actually thinking. They do tend to spill the beans more if you show them attention and truly listen.

I do hope that you can enjoy your vacation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job, this was interesting for me to read. It explains why my H has not told his family yet. He even puts his ring back on when he's around the family. Thanks for the insight.

BT, what are you doing this week?


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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There are a lot of interesting thoughts and insights in this thread!

I recognize many of these attitudes from my WH. Lots of weird statements and I think he said it best when he said his feelings and thoughts are changing all the time.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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I just got back into town/civilization from a great week with family. Spent the entire time pretty much outdoors fishing and enjoying nature. Good for the soul!! Spent little time thinking about H until the last couple of days. Sad just wondering if we will ever have vacations together again. We both love the outdoors and had talked about future plans prior to BD. Have not seen or heard from H since last Thursday before family arrived, but he is working. Family just left this am, so cleaning and then going out for drinks later.
--------------------------
Thanks to Zues, Painter, Elly and Job for responding to my last post.

Zues, I think what you read on here vs. my actual conversations with H are two different things. I haven't really been clarifying on here what is more internal dialogue/what I want to say vs. what I actually say to H. Still, I do realize I did get too defensive about my choice to have my family come visit, but I did not actually say much of what I actually posted on here. I am sure it probably showed in my tone though. I was more venting after the fact. I should have just validated and moved on. I suppose because they are my family it did tug more at my emotions which caused me to defend. Plus, why should he get to control that if I really can't control who he brings into home. As Job kind of eluded to, I think it was maybe more about lack of control over the situation that bothered H most. I guess I felt the need to defend my choice. I need to learn to validate and not defend. By not apologizing that should be sufficient.

With regard to preparing for the next guy, I was pretty sympathetic with H about that. More than I probably should have been, because I broke down and said that I did not want to make changes for another man. That I wanted to fix things for us, but if he won't work at it what choice am I left with? That just sounded too much like pleading, but I took the bait. Internally, yes, I am confused. It does not make sense if he is having A and ignoring me why he would care.

It does start to wear on me, both mentally and emotionally, when every past and present action and decision of mine gets to be critized, yet I am expected to turn a blind eye and zip up to all of my H's faults and poor decisions. You start to feel a bit beat down. I am now the family pet getting no love and attention and it stinks. Every now and then something is going to slip out in frustration. The reference to the text was not mentioned to H. Sure, I understand that why my H was upset, but I don't entirely agree with it or think it is fair. Finding the right way to respond in those cases is hard. I am really working on compassion and empathy, but it gets hard when you get zilch in return from WS. It is hurtful, but yes, I understand he has felt that way for years. I am glad that you seem to have so much hope for my M, because I am feeling a bit hopeless these days. This DBing is hard stuff!!

Job, don't think the divorce card had anything to do with family visit. More about my sharp comments about his A and telling him it is lying and deceitful to have A. He also asked what my definition of an A was. When I asked him, he did not have an answer. Not sure what that was about.

E, thanks for the support. I am trying!!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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The funny thing BT...you ARE making changes for your next R. At this point I don't care about your WAH, he has done enough. The fact is once he BDs he's hypocritical as heck to think you should stay loyal. I want you to do anything and everything to put yourself in a good spot with a bright future. When I was talking about validating him, it wasn't even because I thought he necessarily deserved it, only that you're building muscles that are making you a stronger and better person. If you can act civilly now, think of what you can do during the course of a normal relationship!

I am glad you had a good time this week and were detached. Keep that going. The only reason you are upset about his treatment is that you are expecting him to behave like a mature adult. He's proven he won't, so keep grieving the loss of your M and getting stronger, and stay as emotionally detached as possible. Pick yourself up out of the muck you're in. Maybe he'll follow, maybe he won't.

You know this, I'm more just rooting you on and making sure you know that I am focusing on you because I want you to come out of this better off, whether that's a better M with him or not. Take care BT.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jan 2015
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BT, I very much understand the feeling about being beat down when we keep a PMA and they can be the way they are. I was thinking this morning that I really need to reread the boundary link that Cadet puts on the first page.

I'm thinking of you and rooting for you!

E


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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