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Rouky Offline OP
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It felt so good to do a bit of cleaning up. Can't believe how much stuff I have kept over the years!

H popped round to see girls. I asked him if he wanted to stay for tea. He said he didn't know if housemate had cooked for him. I said fine and I'll leave it up to you. He replied saying: " go on one little bite".

This where I need help from anyone. With my job, I'm surrounded by noise all the time, so don't really like silence. Tonight at the table I made conversation with H. One of the things he said to me was that I was too cold.

My question is shall I STFU and let him initiate the conversation? Or carry on talking?

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Just drove by his old workplace, and where she is still working. I felt like an arrow crossing my body. I'm wondering if I'll ever go over this.

Any thoughts on me always initiating the conversation when I'm with H?

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pimhouse,

I feel the same way has you on so many levels. It looks like you are starting to do good by setting boundaries. I hope things start to turn around for you soon. I agree with Vapo that you have to start focusing on yourself. It is hard, I am having trouble with it as well. Like you, I am starting to question why am even doing this anymore.

Good luck


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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This morning H picked up kids for their holidays' week with him. Was sad but told myself that he is their father, and I do the same when I take them to see my family.

I was hurt as he didn't come his normal way and really panicked inside that he was back with her! I kept my happy me and once they were gone, struggled not to cry. I decided to examine the situation more clearly.

It was good to write down my fellings, and looked at what I could do, how and why I felt this way. For most of it, I realised that it was out of my control. I can't control what he does with OW, but I realised that I'd be the one hurt if I let it hold of me and that it'd spoil my day. I'd be the only one hurt, so I let it go.

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Hi pimhouse. Sorry that you are dealing with this. With the help of the DB and DR books and this website I am fighting my way through the disintegration of my marriage. I have found through my reading here that all of our situations are very similar. Something snaps in our spouses and they suddenly become a person who is foreign to us. My w's therapist called it an awakening. I would call it something else. What I have found great comfort in is in following the advise given here to work on myself and to accept that I am a decent person who tried very hard in my marriage. While I made many mistakes therein, I did the best I could. My 180's and GAL activities are giving me clarity, peace and hope for the future. While it is too late to save my marriage, my having gotten myself in shape, reconnecting with family and friends, getting my financial house in order and focusing on my son has brought me to a much healthier place. Through detaching from my wife I am gaining clarity about myself and my marriage that helps me face each new day and challenge. I hope that you can learn some of the techniques explained here and that you will find that as Michele says that your having pulled away from your husband will draw him back toward you. Perhaps it will not save your marriage but it can lead to a much happier, peaceful you.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Rouky Offline OP
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Thanks for your reply shotgun. I'm not too sure what to do to pull away as I see him every other day as he comes over to see his kids.

Now I don't really know what to do.

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That's tough. The hardest thing for me to do is to let go. Keep reading here and get yourself together. Trust me that if you get in shape, GAL and pretty yourself up he will notice. So will everyone else. You have the advantage of working on a man. We are easy! Explore your interests and expand your talents. All of this will help you feel better about yourself and that is very attractive.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Sorry I intended to suggest that you ask him to take the kids for a walk or have a friend or relative meet him while you go shopping or to the library or go for a workout.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Rouky Offline OP
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Your comment, Shotgun, made me laugh. Thank you. I always thought that men were hard work :-)!

I know when my H has a decision there is no way back, but I guess I can only make those changes for myself!

I already asked him to look after kids for me while I was supposed to attend a diner party, but had to ring him as was running late he hadn't turn up! (Despite reminder texted to him on that very same day).

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I think the toughest thing about custody is worrying about ex-spouse showing up on time. I'm lucky that s13 can be alone at home until his mom shows up. I would suspect that his running late may be his attempt to control things or show you who is boss. He probably can't imagine you moving on or with another person yet but when he does it will have a profound impact on him. I just read through your earlier posts and thought it was interesting how my wife had done almost the exact same thing to me as your husband did. There was a point where she told me how tough my cancer treatment had been on her. While I'm sure it was I don't think that she had to tell me that while I was so sick. Most of the stories here are very similar. These WAS's all become totally self absorbed and can see no point of view but there own. To bad there isn't a pill for such stupidity!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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