Thanks Zeus!! I am so glad U are so straight forward that is what I need! You are right I have been to lazy and unwilling to change! I'm scared of change And scared of losing everything! You are right that is exactly the pattern and he does call me craZy! I need to accept that I can create my own happiness! I think I am overwhelmed by taking on all those fears at one time! So Let's start with one! I will look back and decide today what one I should focus on! The big picture is emotional independence but I need to work towards that baby steps! I have thought many times why do I keep going back? I have people tell me I am the only person who will put up with him! They are right I deserve respect and that is not what I am getting! I am just plain scared of what life will be like making all these changes! Will he grow up and follow me? What if he doesn't?! I am just scared to death! I will look and think deep into what I can do to change these behaviors! Thanks again zeus
Toots Zeus has offered me great insight! I guess I knew it was unhealthy but not this unhealthy! I will keep trudging ahead! Thanks for stopping by! Any advice is welcome
I am just plain scared of what life will be like making all these changes! Will he grow up and follow me? What if he doesn't?!
You're asking all the right questions.
When this thought pops up maybe be ready to counter it with asking yourself "what if I keep going down the same cheeseless tunnel"? The fear of the unknown is scary, but growing stronger can't result in a worse outcome than more of the same.
Another fear that may be underlying is the fear that you can't do this anyway, so why bother? I have battled some of these thoughts in other areas recently. I am watching a lot of motivational videos right now. One that struck me is in regards to baby steps. Instead of setting lofty goals that are intimidating that can result in failure, loss of confidence, and defeat...set TINY goals that CAN'T be missed. For example, when trying to lose weight, set a goal of walking for just one minute. You CAN'T fail. Then increase it 30 seconds a day. Or whatever. That way you're building on a pattern of successes, and you'll have growing confidence because you're taking action and sticking to your plan.
So I like keeping it simple, keeping it small, taking baby steps, but doing so every day with growing confidence!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I agree an U feeling fear is I won't succeed/can't do it! I'm so afraid of the dynamics changing for worse and loosing him as even a friend! I do agree I set goals for a week and then when I fail I just say I will start over but feel bad I couldn't do something so simple as not say ILY for a week maybe I can see daily goals???
Weird thing happened...we were loading tools for races and he said "can you move that over there babe" I noticed he said it I said nothing (180 I would usually comment I heard it or ask y he said it) but the weird Thing is it used to make me feel happy or sad depending on my day but today I HONESTLY felt nothing! It was sad because that is something that always made me happy but I'm sure it didn't mean anything probably a slip up! I did as you said Zeus and looked at the emotion his actions/words made me feel and answer was nothing! Small steps
D8 went to stay with grandma tonight of course H decides he is staying with OW instead of coming home! I am not suprised. Zeus you told me to look at my feelings. My feelings are anger but I know anger is a mask feeling I need to look deeper so I did! I see jealousy because he is with her and not home where I think he should be. I see sadness because I feel they have been spending more time together than normal. I also see I can not control his choices so I may as well let it go tell him to have a good time and not show my emotions as that will only push him further away! Conversation: Me: d8 is staying at grandmas tonight H: ok? When will she be back Me: I will get her when I get off work so you don't have to worry about it! H: im staying with OW Me: have a good time
I have decided today at least that I can not make him come home! My only options are to show my anger/control issues tell him he is irresponsible I think he is doing the wrong thing blah blah OR I can say have a good time (180 Cuz I would usually throw a fit) and leave it alone! Come home from work tomorrow and PMA and spend time with d8 before she goes to other grandmas house! It [censored] holding these feelings in but for now it is what's best! I will just keep singing the frozen song let it go let it go! I am sure since this is the first time I reacted like this he will expect me to be mean tomorrow but I will NOT! I am going to have a good few hours with D and he can join if he wants if not that's his choice! Again I can not control him only me! I would consider this a second victory for the day! I also know he will not believe the changes until I am consistent! I'm open to feedback? Am I heading down a different tunnel?
Unsure about the tunnel thing im new here but I want to congratulate you on recognizing the small victories. I too do that. I think it helps to be able to say good job you didnt txt him all day.. makes me challenge myself to do the same the next day. I think that references your crawl status.. haha keep up the positive responses even if they are difficult because that is the 180 he needs to hear and see. Good luck today with your challenges... take comfort in knowing your not alone.
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Lonlee thanks for stopping by im peerry new here too! It is comforting being able to 'talk' to others in situations like ours instead of people who only want to take sides! I agree with small goals just like Zeus told me set small daily goals to build confidence! My goal today is PMA even though im upset he didn't come home im more upset he didn't drop bank card off so I could get gas told him last night I needed it back! The irresponsibility is what angers me mainly because that is not him!
Thanks Zeus!! I am so glad U are so straight forward that is what I need! You are right I have been to lazy and unwilling to change! I'm scared of change And scared of losing everything! You are right that is exactly the pattern and he does call me craZy! I need to accept that I can create my own happiness! I think I am overwhelmed by taking on all those fears at one time! So Let's start with one! I will look back and decide today what one I should focus on! The big picture is emotional independence but I need to work towards that baby steps! I have thought many times why do I keep going back? I have people tell me I am the only person who will put up with him! They are right I deserve respect and that is not what I am getting! I am just plain scared of what life will be like making all these changes! Will he grow up and follow me? What if he doesn't?! I am just scared to death! I will look and think deep into what I can do to change these behaviors! Thanks again zeus
I felt the same way and I understand your fears. The thing is you can't hold on to a wave--and that is what I was trying to do. The more I tried to hang on, the worst things got and I ended up losing EVERYTHING in one awful night. Everything I was afraid of losing was gone. And after that the goal was to start getting back the things that were most important and honestly once that process started I started to feel like I was getting back control over my life. Before I didn't have control, and that was what the fear was--that was what made me hold on for dear life. But life (and an awful H) kept trying to shake me off until they succeeded.
Things are going to change. They have to for your life to get better, and there is nothing you can do about it. Somethings are going to have be lost, but chances are those are the things that you will be better off without anyway. The fear of something is often worse than the thing itself.
I remember when my son was young and he wanted to do the monkey bars, but he was so afraid of falling that he would end up just hanging there. Finally, one day I had him go on the bars and told him to just drop--just let go. He did, realized that dropping from the monkey bars wasn't such a scary thing, and the next time he got up there he was able to make it across. He had conquered his fears. I think that is what I am going through right now. I was forced to let go--I felt what life was like when everything I thought I wanted was gone--and it made me realize which parts of that life are worth getting back. I don't know how I would have handled things if I let go and let things happen when I felt I still had control over things. Maybe I couldn't have learned the lessons I am learning if things went in a more civil way. Or maybe things would have moved along and I would have gradually ended up in the same place I am heading. I know for me, I always need a huge wake up call to make a change because I have always been so resistant. The last time I went through what I call a TOWER MOMENT (I tarot reference) it paved the way for me to grow up and start my adult life--I met H and we had two beautiful children and had at least 10 happy years together (best of my life so far I think)--and 3 not so happy--and the last 2 quite awful. And it had ended in yet another tower moment. I am hoping the next phase of my life will bring some even more wonderful things.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
4mykid, Zues has given you something solid to think about. Take it to heart.
Like mustard, what I picked up on is that you are operating from a place of fear. I did, too, for a long time. Fear of financial implications, fear of social backlash, fear my children's lives would be ruined. Fear I wasn't good enough, attractive enough, savvy enough to be on my own. But when I looked at each of those and faced them, I realized they weren't completely true. Someone smart made be verbalize exactly what I thought was going to happen, and in the end it was all something I could handle. Some of the fears had some truth, my social world has changed, but in a good way quite frankly. Some of them were bunk to start with, I've always been attractive even though I'm not built like Kate Moss. Point is, 4, identify those fears, face them. I think you'll find dealing with them is less frightening than not.
