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Thanks Heavy... I haven't been re-reading them. They are certainly juvenile nonsense, but also like I said up there, enlightening as to exactly when and how things began. Not really disturbing me. I'm actually glad I know now.

I really detached from my WW more this week than ever, which was painful but also good... long stretches where I was busy and didn't think about her. I wasn't home, so there could be no surprises with her showing up and potential arguments. I had the distraction of my good friend and her daughter, had a great dinner with the boys and another friend one night. And during this week - where in the beginning I even announced to her that I wanted to go a whole week without talking - she called me four times and left me two messages wanting to talk. So... she doesn't want me, but she doesn't want me detached.

In "real life," I have let my planted seeds grow - letting them be watered by time, distance, and prayer. I want her back, of course. But mostly, I want God's best for her. And that's been my prayer lately.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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DIff

That sounds good. I will try to pray that for my w as well - Gods plan.

That's all we can really do. My w and kids are back east so I have the whole week stretched out in front of me. Going to see a play tonight with a friend about Janis Joplin - which I have been wanting to see. Getting laundry done - and just digging out from being away. I will meet a friend tomorrow for brunch so I too am keeping up the staying busy front.

Keep on keeping on Diff. Always remember you are the prize which you are.


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Another thought I wanted to mention - for me it was helpful to not participate in the drama anymore. Drama kept everything going, kept emotions high, just was not good you know? I felt like I was being used a a bit player in their play and definitely showed I was not detached.

When I stopped doing that I began to feel stronger and more in control. I am not a bit player is their sordid play. I don't play their game, I stopped. For me it was a good decision and I only wish I could have done it sooner.

Anyway, just throught of that and wanted to put it out there.

Best - Heavy


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Yes Heavy... a big reason why I went to stay with my friend this week. It was easier to stay out of the circus that way. Gave me some space and distance. I think the next time I see her, we'll be more pleasant or at least civil to each other.

I'm headed out to meet some friends at a new beer place in town... over 300 taps, they say! Should be fun - it will be the first night, too, that I go out without my wedding ring. Just giving it a try, the being single thing... feels very strange, but it might help with the detachment. We'll see.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
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Taking my ring off was hard. I still have the indentations on my finger from where it sat for 20 years. My ring was nothing special, just a band with some small diamonds on the outside. I think it was called an eternity band. We had talked about getting new ones for our 20th anniverssary.

When our kids were born, I got the Mommy necklace with their names, birthdates and gemstone. I wear them around my neck and never take it off. My kids love to see me wear the charms and comment on them always. I always say, see I have you right next to my heart every day.

My W never did that. Never got a mothers ring, a necklace, nothing. I think I mentioned earlier too when she lost her wedding rings, I flipped out an turned the house upside down to locate them. W could not have cared less.

Looking back, I can now see all of this for what is really was. She just was't into any of this, marriage, family, minivan, none of it. She has told me so "Look the marriage was just better for you than it was for me".

I feel sorry for her now, she never really "got it" what it meant to be married, and to raise a family. She just didn't. Maybe she thought she did at one point, but now she doesn't. Does that make her a bad person, no, but just someone who I thought I knew. I never really did truly know her it appears.

I guess we never really know who people are.

As for getting to a civil and pleasant place, good for you. I know you can do it. For me, meh.

Are you on FB or Pinterist or twitter?

Last edited by HeavyD; 07/25/15 09:23 PM.

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Diff

I would agree with the others about continuing to read those emails. OW did get in W's head but it was still W's choice to pursue her. I do the same and focus on OM (just a week or so ago, lol) it just causes me to ruminate on them. Even if I learn a little about how much of a POS OM is, how does that really help me? It just keeps me attached and stops me from moving forward with my own issues and life.

Its great you got some time away and were able to have some fun. You are right about detaching and letting go, its a process that takes time and we can either delay that significantly or allow it to progress at its own natural rate. Time will get us through this, keep being awesome and you will be fine smile


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Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Another thought I wanted to mention - for me it was helpful to not participate in the drama anymore. Drama kept everything going, kept emotions high, just was not good you know? I felt like I was being used a a bit player in their play and definitely showed I was not detached.

When I stopped doing that I began to feel stronger and more in control. I am not a bit player is their sordid play. I don't play their game, I stopped. For me it was a good decision and I only wish I could have done it sooner.

Anyway, just throught of that and wanted to put it out there.

Best - Heavy


This. So incredibly much this. I've found that all there is to do is just back away and stop being the unifying force binding them together. Let them live their lives.

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I'm wondering if that's the case with my W too, Heavy. She wanted the marriage and the family - many times said she was glad to have finally settled down after all those years living abroad alone, joked that she didn't have to have kids herself because I already had them for her. But now, she's so completely distancing herself from any kind of family life. I don't know if this is a temporary condition on account of the affair, or if this really is the new her. Time will tell.

I'm on FB, Twitter, and Pinterest, yes. Are you?


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
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Thanks Fogg. Time is the only healer. I would say there is one way that learning more about the OW helps me: it reminds me that I'm the better option. My W doesn't see that and likely never will, and truthfully, there are days I can't see it, either. On the surface, she sure does look like much more fun right now. But really... these emails do not bother me. They just put things in context and actually helps me make sense of things. I'm not re-reading them or looking for new things to read. The good thing as far as healing and moving forward is that she is mostly out of the house and all their business takes place out of my view. I haven't seen WW in over a week, which is the longest I've not seen her since she was working overseas. It's progress. Painful progress, but progress.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
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Joined: May 2015
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Journaling - the first time I've seen her in over a week:

Went to brunch this morning with a friend and pulled up afterward to see W's car in the driveway. (How can it be that something that once filled your heart with joy can now fill it with dread?) Hadn't seen her in over a week, so I steeled myself to be as friendly as possible.

Looking painfully thin, she gave me a hug, poured an uncommonly early glass of red wine for herself (from a bottle that's been open for a week, so it must have been more like vinegar), and asked where I'd been since my car was in the garage. Things like this throw her off. She had even made my bed for me and organized things in the MBR.

We sat down and talked for a bit... she asked about the job, said it seemed like I was keeping busy, smiled, "That's good." (See, I think it eases her guilt to imagine I'm having a good and full life without her.) She admitted the work has been overwhelming, almost too much, some things have likely slipped through the cracks.

"But I love it," she insisted. I don't disbelieve her. But I also think she hates a lot of it - especially the uncertainty of it.

I said I was glad things were going so well for her, and she said, "Thank you for everything." "For what?" "Well, you did a lot of work in the beginning and so this success is partly yours." (That's the first time she's conceded any such thing since BD - usually it's more about how I should have just gotten a job.)

Then we discussed more separation issues, such as how the cell phone contract is up soon and we need to get new accounts, more details about splitting up the furniture, when to begin showing this house to potential renters, etc. I cannot pretend to be happy about these discussions, but we got through them without rancor. Then she started going around the house measuring the things she plans to keep, and is now talking with her brother on Skype.

Speaking of which, her sister-in-law texted me on Skype the other night, and we chatted for a while. She was expressing thanks for everything that W and I do to help her family (they immigrated here last year), and it's clear WW has not told them what's going on. Strange - I wonder if they even know she's moving.

Anyway, it's nice that because of my absence and all the GALing this past week, I don't feel like I need to leave or anything this afternoon while she's here. Although, this also feels a bit like cake eating - she's been anxious and pursuing this past week, and now that she knows where I am and I'm in the house with her, she's settled down. Even so, I'm just enjoying being home, and it's even not feeling oppressive having her here right now - I guess because we are not being adversarial. She'll be leaving soon, though, for a home inspection. And the strange dance will begin again...

Having my son over for dinner tonight, then going to bed early. I have a long week of training coming up for the job this week. Trying to get a PMA about it all. If I could do what I really want to do right now, I'd just get in my car and drive... and keep driving.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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